Seek, don't worry about negativity or venting here. That is what this forum is for. Nobody came here who wasn't hurting.

Think of it as step 4 work. It isn't easy to display your pain and suffering to other people. I know that I have done quite a bit of my step 4 work here.

We are a community that shares a common point of reference and that is loving an alcoholic.

Your friend,

Thank you. There is healing in people sharing "sacred space."

I just want to note that these are some of my darkest thoughts and feelings . . .

I do try to focus on positive activities and thinking . . . praying, doing art projects where my grandson is surrounded by light . . .

I think part of my problem is that I am very angry at him but cannot tell him (he is not in a place where he can think of me or my feelings, he can be hostile so it isn't safe, etc.) . . .so I think I am saying some stuff here that I would like to say to him (and some of it would be hurtful to him, I am sure) . . .

There is that dynamic where you have to "walk on egg shells" - the "no talk rule" - you can't discuss certain things . . . even just differences of opinion, he shuts me down, talks over me, says he doesn't want to hear it - so there is no space for my thoughts or feelings - yet I have devoted 18 years to him and this past year I cannot tell you what I have done for him to assist with his recovery (visiting in rehab, helping to pay for SLE, going to every court appearance, etc.) . . .it's been a lot and he is not in a place where he appreciates that or can reciprocate, AND I continue to have worries - so it just gets to be too much sometimes.

To me your answer is here:

"I know I have hurt myself or other people, unconsciously, but once I became aware, then it is a different thing - doing something that you deliberately know is wrong or not healthy - I will never grasp that - there is nothing anyone could ever say that would make it make sense, because it doesn't."

We all hurt people. Self awareness is a process as you stated above - what would seem so obvious to you that his addiction is hurting other people perhaps isn't obvious to him. Maybe he thinks the only person who is hurting is HIM - I mean it is unfair that he would end up and alcoholic right? He didn't want to be one - My husband gets angry that he is bi polar. Alcoholism, bipolar, pancreatitis. He knows being an alcoholic caused some of his problems - but why the added ones and why is that some people never (seemingly) have the same issues that did the same?

Just because your grandson doesn't get it now doesn't mean he will never get it. Out of 4 children I was the bad apple and we were all raised exactly the same. Why? Hell if I know. My parents were exemplary I had an ideal, enviable childhood. Some of those bad character traits I had I still have, but they have changed direction instead of focusing them toward negative actions I turned them to positive - they have served me well. It took time. It took a lot of failing and trouble, but at my core the parental example and teachings were always there and slowly they integrated.

Detaching from him with love would be a good idea. I said it before will say it again - He is really young - young = stupid, ignorant and selfish. Lots of life experience that can't be taught, only learned, to come.

Hope today is a better day for you I will keep you in my thoughts.

I think redatlanta makes a great point. My DS is probably the most self UNaware person I know. I think he probably also thinks he is mostly hurting himself.

Thanks for this post/thread ... it helped me have an aha moment or two.

There are plenty of children raised in a loving, supportive environment who make bad choices. There are also plenty of children raised in an abusive, neglectful environment who grow up to be great people. There is no certainty, no "formula" for raising children. I can no more take the blame for my children's bad choices than I can take credit for their wise decisions. I did the best I could for them with the information and wisdom I had at the time. They get to do what they choose with what I taught them. Of course, I hope they make good decisions, yet I know they won't always.

Having said that--there's nothing wrong with being angry about it. Anger is part of the process. You have to pass through it on the way to acceptance. I was very angry for several months. Journaling helped me release it. Whether typing here, or writing in a notebook, I think getting it down in writing helps.

L

I don't see how the story of the prodigal son is sadistic--a father takes his "bad" son back when the bad son repents, and the good son is hurt because he's done the right thing all along and he doesn't get the woot-woot treatment that the bad son does. I don't like that story, frankly. But I think the theme is that forgiveness is not always logical.

The point of the story of Job is twofold: a) Bad stuff happens to good people, and b) Who are we to question God? This one I can accept a little better.

Just FYI

I definitely have to go back and read those two parables.

Can you share how it is for you - why you feel the story of Job is acceptable - re: not questioning God and his torture of Job? That one really bothered me and yes, I did identify with Job.

I questioned this one too a lot in the beginning. Until I realized life is a very short season if you believe in eternal life. Job was an example of a strong faith and would be rewarded externally for his unshakable faith.

The story of the prodigal son is about redemption and forgiveness. The father allowed his son to go off and make his own mistakes and when his son came home a different and changed man, the father embraced him and it.

I pray my son some day comes "home" a changed "man" and wants forgiveness. I have already forgiven him however, he is not done learning the lessons he needs in order to change. So, I have let him go and given him to God, his unconditionally, loving Father!

Do reread Job, you will notice that God does not torture him, Satan does, with God's permission. Satan wants to show that Job just likes god for his blessings, so he takes them all away to see what happens.

The next 20 chapters or so are somewhat interminable philosophizing with his "friends". Reading the first bit of this will sound familiar to those of us who have "friends", and most of us codependents have them.

The last couple chapters are where Job learns the life lessons from God. Good stuff in there.

If you are out off by the size of the book, read the first few chapters until his 3rd "friend" comes into the story. Then you can skip until the last couple chapters.

Blessings
Ken