Ohm

I feel like I'm getting ready to crest the first drop in a roller coaster ride and am blindfolded. I can't see where I'm going.

I am an ACoA, and swore I would never marry an alcoholic. I think I have but I'm not sure. DH is an incredibly loyal and hard working employee. We haven't had any issues with DUIs. It's tough to know if there's a problem because my husband doesn't get mean when he drinks. He's actually happier and pleasant when he drinks. But he drinks when he's stressed. He made a comment months ago about how if things weren't so stressful at home, he wouldn't drink. The other day he told me if it wasn't for me he would easily be an alcoholic. I've suspected that he makes excuses to go to the store, and he comes home with more beer. Liquor disappears rather quickly, and I think DH is hiding his drinking.

He's had trouble in the past being able to stop drinking. He gets started and just goes and goes...His current drinking is not even in the ballpark of what it was when we first were dating. 9 years ago. We were going through some stressful relationship stuff, and so I blamed his drinking on me. If only I hadn't lied to him, he wouldn't be so hurt. He wouldn't drink. He spent many nights on the bathroom floor back then. I would be scared to find him not breathing. At times, I've protected him from things that I thought would send him into a drinking bout. I just remembered a time where he wrecked after a night of drinking. He passed a breathalyzer, but had fallen asleep at the wheel because he was so tired from drinking and being up so late the night before. I just got a sick feeling in my stomach. I blamed all of that time period (the first year we were dating) on me.

I've been going to alanon for a couple of weeks. We've been in marriage counseling for a few months and I've been going to individual therapy since early last year. I went originally for issues with my childhood and family of origin, and slowly have been encouraged to deal with my present issues.

I've been reading co-dependent no more and boy does it describe me. I'm still working through it. My husband and I both don't express our anger well. So many people have looked at our relationship and thought we were so great and healthy, but I knew better. Those comments made me uncomfortable. I knew there was something wrong but I just didn't know what it was. I knew I was unhappy but didn't know why. Everything looked fine, everyone acted fine. So I just thought there was something wrong with me. Why couldn't I be happy, if everyone else thought I had such a great relationship?

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for here. I'm starting to feel stressed and angry all the time, but I don't know why I'm stressed or what I'm angry at. I'm scared too...scared to raise my child in an alcoholic home, scared that if I heal and DH doesn't that we won't stay together.

Someone at al-anon last night told me "If it feels like a problem, it is." But my therapist cautioned me against "catastrophizing". Our marriage counselor didn't seem to worry too much about the red flag behavior I described to her. She thought it was more cautionary stuff. Things to watch out for. So I don't know if I'm overreacting and projecting my alcoholic father on my husband or if he actually does have issues. I'm so confused.

I'm scared to leave my toddler with DH if I have a meeting to go to, because I don't trust him not to have more than 1 drink. I've counted beers before I left before, so I at least know I'm not crazy when I suspect that he's been drinking. I wonder if I'm strict for worrying about 1 beer while he's the sole adult in the household. Afterall, I've poured myself a glass of wine while I cook dinner...and I'm watching our child by myself. But the last time, it was 2 beers...ok 2 beers in 2 hours. I say to myself, "That's reasonable, right?" But I worry...what happens if DH needs to drive our toddler somewhere? What happens if it's not just 2 beers? Am I borrowing trouble by worrying about those things or am I being realistic?

I'm rambling...I'm only just starting to let myself feel these things so everything is coming out in a big pile and I don't know how to sort through it all. I've realized I need more support than one meeting a week, and a therapist that thinks I'm catastrophizing. So I am here.

Samalone

Im new here and youve done way more than I have in terms of seeking help therapy/alanom etc...but as far as the"ive only had 2 (or 3) beers" thing, in my experience that is usually bogus..my wife used to convince me to "just get some beers itll help me taper"..meanwhile shed be chuggin vodka on the sly..if you have a suspicion its pretty much certain to be on the money..anyway good luck & take care..

akalacha

Ohm, Welcome to SR. You're in the right place. I agree with ¨if it feels like a problem it is.¨ It's true there is nothing to be gained by ¨catastrophizing¨ but I don't think you're doing that. It sounds like you've opened your eyes to the situation and are being practical and realistic about it. Especially with a child in the house, you HAVE to think about these things. I don't have children but in my opinion, for what it's worth, I would not leave the child alone with him. Some alanon meetings have childcare, maybe you can find one that does. Or do you have family or friends who could care for your child while you go to a meeting? Keep reading here, there is so much good information. I know others will have more to share too.

Recovering2

You think it's a problem....it is a problem. Sounds like there's a history of issues with alcohol. If you're counselor doesn't have a background in addiction, they may not be as tuned in to the issues. Our first counselor seemed to always skirt the issue when drinking came up, I realized over time (and conversations) that our counselor had some drinking issues!!!
You blamed yourself for his drinking early in your relationship? You didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. You are NOT to blame for his decision to drink. I'm glad you're going to AlAnon. Many of them have childcare available. Start to work on your issues, but don't take on his.

Maylie

I also agree that if you are questioning whether there is a problem, then there probally is. Whenever someone feels the need to rationalize why he or she drinks or uses drugs that is a huge red flag for me. A normal drinker doesn't pick up a beer and then proceed to explain why it is okay to have a beer. In my experience, people only rationalize and give excuses when they know that they shouldn't be doing it, or if they are trying to convince themselves what they are doing is okay.

With a small child in the house, you can never be too careful. Have you expressed these feelings with him? If he doesn't have a drinking problem I would think that he would say "okay I didn't know it was bothering you, I won't drink while I'm alone with him". On the other hand, if he gets defensive and starts rationalizing drinking well then there is a problem.

Keep reading and posting on here. The most important thing is to put yourself and your child first. Try to avoid worrying about triggering his drinking, all it will do is harm your emotional help. You can't stop him from drinking, and you can't cause him to drink either. He is a grown man and that is on him.

Ohm

Thanks for the replies.

I have told my husband that I would not be comfortable if he drank while watching our son. He said "yes, I know" and I thought that was the end of it. It makes me feel like I'm setting a double standard because like I said, I've had a glass of wine while watching him before. I think I drank half of it. It didn't occur to me until after I cooked dinner that I was being a hypocrite.

I'm not sure what I will do for childcare (the meeting I've been going to doesn't have it, maybe I need to change places), but I do not trust him to watch our toddler right now. That's sad to admit.

Oh and on the subject of a counselor...I know my individual one has a history of alcohol abuse. She's told me she has a history of abuse herself. I wonder if she's reluctant to call it like it is in this case. Hmm. He is getting ready to go to an individual therapist so I'm looking forward to that. I didn't tell him why I was going to alanon, just that I am going. I don't harp on him about drinking, but it does concern me both for his physical and emotional health. I've told him so. I've also told him that I'm scared to raise kids in an alcoholic home, that I won't do it.

I feel much better after the weekend. I read something along the lines of "one day at a time". The advice was about choosing whether you were going to leave a relationship. It said "Are you going to leave him today?" and if the answer is no, then to do what you need to do today. I'm not in a dangerous situation, I do need to find a regular babysitter, but other than that I think I am ok to ride this out for a while and see where counseling/al-anon gets us.

pattyG

Good luck, Ohm. It seems like you have really looked at this and processed it well. My observations would be people without an addiction don't pass out on a bathroom floor or crash their car. Whether it is consciously or subconsciously, you recognize he drinks to deal with his problems, which is why you walk on eggshells and filter information. Ultimately, as others have said, he should have enough respect for your feelings that not drinking when he is caring for your child should be no big deal.

wildhorses

Oh my gosh... I'm new here and I was looking through all the posts and couldn't find anyone that was really going through the SAME thing I am... so I searched "alcoholic father husband" and found your post...

I am stuck feeling the same confusion about my husband!! I don't know what to do. He has had one DUI before and we have had many fights about his drinking, but he keeps saying I'm crazy and that I have a messed up view on drinking because of my "daddy issues" as he calls it. He keep saying "Im not your dad!!" but is he?? He isn't a junkie or a severe disfunctional alcoholic but he drinks more than I think is normal... he disagrees.

I just wish I had some solid proof that he is drinking more than I know about. I guess I've had proof before but he's so good at explaining it away and I fall for it every time. I'm here tonight because he went to a St. Pattys day parade ALL day (all day drinking) and I didn't hear from him all day until I get a knock on the door and it's a cop telling me I need to go pick my husband up down the street and drive his truck home because he got pulled over and they are going to be nice and let him ride home with me. UGH.

I yelled at my husband but he didn't say sorry... he got mad back at ME! He said again, Im not your dad... He told me to shutup and slammed the door and went to pass out. But this is a one time incident so where do you draw the line??? I could go on and on but there's too much to say. I really feel for you and I wish I knew what to do also.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. Sounds to me like you know what you're dealing with, but want someone to confirm it for you.

Regardless of whether or not he is an alcoholic, his drinking bothers you, so Al-Anon is the place to be. Hope you will stick around here, too. There is lots of good support and wisdom to be had. For now, it's enough to know that you didn't CAUSE the drinking, you can't CONTROL it, and you can't CURE it.

Hopeworks

Hi Ladies,

Another ACOA with "daddy issues" (according to my XA!) here to share with you that I have learned a LOT on this website, alanon and by reading every book I could get my hands on regarding alcoholism, codependence and being an adult child of an alcoholic.

It changed my life. it changed my thinking. I am happy and free today.

I learned that red flags are not party favors and not to collect them in the future. For you gals the red flags are not to ignored even when the A shouts "your crazy... you have daddy issues... I don't drink too much... yada... yada... yada..." we call it quacking around here.

We are wired to have instincts and when we have kids we are sensitive to their safety... do not ignore those intuitive feelings. My XA almost burned the house down several times and was perfectly normal when I left! My kids are grown (not his) and so he was only endangering himself and my possessions.

Another thing I learned is that therapists and alanon meetings are NOT created equal. Find the right person with the right credentials to help you sort out what is going on in the relationship. If your spouse is an A it will get worse... much worse... because it is progressive. Find a counselor well versed in addiction and relationships... you will know when find him or her! Keep seeking this person as they and alanon are the key for the lock to true understanding and healing for our own issues!

Keep coming back. Just talking about this stuff puts into a perspective that is enlightening... unknowingly we cooperate with denial so we can cope with the craziness!
Putting into words and looking at it on paper makes the absurdities of their behaviors so much more clear ... it helped me so much.

One day at a time. Your goal is to walk it out in peace and serenity and find the TRUTH about yourselves, what is real and what is right for you. Sort out the quacking from the truth and create boundaries for yourselves.

It works!

Hopeworks

Oh an my XA... whom I danced the alcoholic dance with for 4 years? He has been in and out of the rooms of AA and the rooms of jail cells for the past year.

Has been doing great for almost 5 months. Working and going to AA everyday or close to it. Been trying to get me back the ENTIRE time and wanting me to marry him.

I told him a year to a date two years to a possible commitment (we are 3000 miles apart).

So... my XA... the one who tells me I have "daddy issues" all the time just picked up a drink and was in Las Vegas within 24 hours sending me pics and "I love you" texts.

Gag a maggot.

This is the love of my life? Is this some kind of cosmic joke? No... I haven't batted an eyelash or cried a tear or tossed and turned sleepless.

Thanks my friends... had it not been for the past 3 years of wisdom of this website I would be a wreck right now...but instead, I am still happy and free as his recovery is his problem and I am staying in my hula hoop.

LadySage

My STBXAH also used to tell me that I was crazy and projecting my daddy issues onto him. He would lament that he was paying the price for what other men had done in my life (I had an alcoholic father and ex boyfriend too). He would always tell me "I'm not your dad" "I''m not XBF".

The irony is...he was partially right. If I didn't have daddy/ACOA issues I would have probably never been with him.

However, he was dead wrong on his idea that his drinking was somehow normal and his behaviors were appropriate in a healthy relationship.

My ex still eventually ended up turning into the shell of what he was sober, sucking the life out of our relationship, not being willing to work a recovery program and getting what looks to be a nasty felony dui/dws/hit & run a few weeks after we separated. Now he may lose his career also. I shudder to think about what all of this will do to his son. I know the pain of growing up with an alcoholic father (or one who drinks too much or has alcoholic behavior patterns).

If you have a gut feeling their drinking is out of control it probably is and even if it isn't extreme now, it may be destructive to a healthy family home. You don't need the husband to agree about his own issues.

Also, alcoholic family dynamics can exist even without alcohol in the home. Cutting back may not fix things. Stopping drinking may not fix things. Recovery and therapy may be needed either way.

The good news is that you can choose to start your recovery today, regardless of his actions.

LadySage

I think that was really hard for me to understand. I would think to myself...
"He may not be an alcoholic, his drinking bothers me, I am the one with the problem, I should change my attitude so I can accept him."

Then I got to "It doesn't matter if he uses the label alcoholic, his behavior is disruptive to my well being, I need to change my attitude and not accept less than what I deserve."

wildhorses

So today my husband is apologetic, he said sorry for telling me to shutup and everything...and he took my son to buy a brand new bike and helmet. He brought home pizza and brought me a plate. Hmm reminds me of something.. oh yeah, my dad! He used to be sooo nice the next day after a night of craziness, he would always bring me a candy bar. :/

I hate that it isn't a CLEAR and obvious line, it's so confusing. I don't even know if my husband is an alcoholic because he definitely isn't extreme like my dad is. He says he hardly ever drinks, but I wouldn't know because he owns a company and works ALL the time... so how would I know if he has a few beers at lunch or after work? He doesn't come home wasted, but sometimes I can tell he has had something. I've found those mini wine bottles under his truck seat, but he said they were his friends... and his friend validated that, so?? I always feel like the crazy one.

My mom always said she stayed with my dad because she was afraid of us kids being alone with him because he might drive us somewhere while intoxicated or he might not watch us and we could get lost or hurt. So she was going to leave after my brother and I were moved out... I'm 30 now and she is still with my dad.

I'm afraid of that being me, because I am also afraid to leave and have him take care of my son without me there. He is a good dad, but we separated before and I know he took my (then 3 year old) son to the lake with friends and they were drinking. He drove home. I don't know if he had more than a beer or two but it still bothers me.

I just wish he would do something extreme so it would be an easy choice. I almost wish I could catch him cheating on me!! Then I could leave without question! But he owns a company, and I don't work... I have nothing and I have nowhere to go either... can't go live with my mom because my dad lives there and I refuse to live there with him... God forbid my son find my dad passed out on the lawn like he does frequently.

Sorry I'm typing a lot, but it's helping me just to type it out.