JellyBean123

Just wanted to say congrats on the new baby! And you are not alone...
Id like to give advice, I see so many posts I want to reply to but I am not in a constructive place right now myself. I will only pass on my toxic thoughts right now so I am trying to keep my mouth shut lol.
But congrats!! I just lovers babies!! Im going to go pinch my 3 year olds cheecks now while he will still let me lol.

newmama

I'm sure this comes as no surprise to anyone, but here we are 7 months later and the drinking has started back up again. Not only is he drinking again, but a whole bunch of the behaviors from back when we were in couple's counseling (we went weekly for 2 years straight and made a lot of progress) have popped back up. I guess even though I knew this was a possibility, I'm still heartbroken.

I could tell from his behavior that he was drinking again and was looking for a time that he was sober that we could talk about it. Recently he came home from work in time to spend time with our child (he hadn't seen her for a few days because of his work sched and the baby's bedtime) It sounded like they were having so much fun and I got some work done thinking they were getting some nice one-on-one time. Well about an hour later it was the baby's bedtime and I came over to say goodnight and that's when it hit me that he was WASTED. I mean totally smashed. He hadn't arrived home that way or I never would've handed our baby over to him. So, I guess during the precious little time he gets to spend with her, he used that to binge drink.

Even though my general rule is not to confront him when he's drinking (I've yet to ever have a productive conversation with a drunk person)... I couldn't help myself. I was so angry! Disappointed that he was relapsing, furious that I'd been lied to and that he thinks any of this behavior is ok, and most of all that he'd do any of this while caring for our child. So after the baby was asleep I asked him what was going on and he blamed me (BIG SURPRISE!) I know that this is what alcoholics do and I'm not impacted by those accusations because I know it's untrue. The conversation was totally unproductive except that I made it 100% clear that he can live like this if he wants to, but I will not. He promised to make a plan and let me know what he's going to do (counseling, etc.)

So it's been over a week and still no plan. On top of that I know that he is still drinking. He's not getting wasted, but he's drinking hard alcohol at the restaurant where he picks up dinner on some nights. I'm sure he's up to all kinds of other drinking too, but I don't think it's healthy for me to get into the trap of playing detective. I'm trying so hard to balance everything with taking care of my baby, being a new mom, work, trying to find time to take care of me too (this is the toughest one to achieve) ... that I just don't know what to do with a relapse piled on top of it all.

I think where I am with this is ... 1. this is clearly a relapse and it's not over, 2. being lied to is crazy-making and a non-negotiable for me, 3. I can't keep me or my child in a toxic environment. But this is where I get stuck. I mean there's no option of us all continuing to live together while he's drinking and lying. Do I give him an ultimatum that he either gets sober and works on himself or he has to move out? Based on past experiences, it feels like this relapse is just starting and he doesn't sound even close to admitting the full scope of what's going on and what it all means.

I feel so alone in this and I'm wondering what kind of thoughts or encouragement y'all might have...

Celticgirl

I am sorry for what you're going through. I know how you feel. About ten years ago, when our children were 4 and 2, I found my husband was drinking secretively. I had known he was acting weird sometimes, I would confront him, he would deny it, and a fight would start. I realize now (and probably did then) that it was pointless to argue with a drunk, but I was so angry and hurt and afraid. You know how it feels - like you've been kicked in the stomach. It's awful.

I would ask him why he was hiding it. He'd say he didn't know. Finally, after about a year and a half, he went out one night after an argument. I called his cell phone and told him it was over and I didn't want him anymore. He moved in with his parents for a while but then came home. He stopped drinking for a year, which was very peaceful, but I kept drinking, so it probably wasn't the healthiest thing for me to do.

He's been back drinking since then. Socially, but there's been some issues lately, including an arrest for a DUI after two weeks of not drinking. He swears he's done now. I believe him and I am also done. We need to support each other right now in the face of this. I stayed with him because I love him.

I think you should talk to your counselor and see what the best answer is. Alanon will help as well. Good luck and let us know what happens.

honeypig

He is being pretty clear with you about not having any interest in getting sober, wouldn't you say? How would it make a difference for him to make promises and plans about getting sober when his actions are shouting that he does NOT plan to get sober? And wouldn't you still end up wondering if he was really sober or still sneaking, given his past behavior? (My A is a consummate hider, practically impossible to tell most of the time.)

Did you get involved w/Alanon, as so many suggested? If not, I would strongly recommend you do so now. Alanon will help you put the focus where it belongs--on YOU and what YOU can do to start moving towards the life you want. It sucks that things are as they are, but you've seen the facts now. You have to decide what's acceptable to you and your child.

Bear in mind also that alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will not get better but only worse as time goes on.

4MyBoys

NewMama,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. My XAH was he same way. He used to just drink beer but when the sneaking of whiskey came into the picture the entire game changed. At the time I had two small boys 7 and 3. I have only gotten him to admit 1 time that there "may" be an issue with drinking so I had to leave. He still continues to drink.....

I guess just wanted to say a couple things to you that were said to me, when I first joined here. First, your husband is drinking around your baby. Would you let a babysitter drink and be around your child? Why is it ok for your husband?

The sneaking and lying. I hated this the most I think. How can a marriage work with this involved? I don't know why we cover for this as spouses. If they were lying about sleeping with someone or blowing all the families money on crack or gambling I don't think we would cover for them.

What it boils down to it what can you do to make your life better? I think he has made his decision, right? He is drinking. He is still drinking. He is going to keep drinking because so far there have been no consequences. You say the lying is non negotiable but that isn't true because you are still living with it. I am not sure what is right for you but I would recommend listening to his actions not his words and then decide what is best for you and your baby because right now he is just looking out for what is best for him and not the rest of the family.

Take what you want and leave the rest.
4MyBoys

atalose

ultimatums don't work unless you have your own plan in place of leaving your residence if he does not.

How has al-anon been working for YOU? What have you been doing for YOU in these past months?

newmama

Thanks everyone... it helps so much to not feel completely alone in the way I'm feeling. I hear what you are saying about him having made his choice... that is true, he has.

To answer a few questions... I've done quite a bit of research and have been reading and doing a workbook that my counselor recommended. I've been working on applying all of these things to my life (not just in my relationship, but in all ways.) I have not formally attended Al-Anon. I think the biggest reason is because I'm an atheist. I've looked into all the ways that people connect with the term "God", but I haven't made sense of what that looks like for me.

With a baby in the house it's been tough trying to juggle everything and still have time for me. I am currently taking a class about getting more balance when becoming a new mom... and I'm optimistic about that.

When we were down this road before... an ultimatum was given and he moved out of the house for a few months. When he was sober he moved back in and things were good for almost two years until January when he relapsed. The relapse lasted about 3 weeks and he re-committed, behavior changed and he didn't move out. Seeing as this new relapse just started happening, I don't think it means that I've backed down on my non-negotiable. I think I'm just trying to figure things out and put together a plan... and that's part of what's brought me here.

dandylion

Newmomma, lots of athiests attend alanon. Yes, having had 3 babies, I know the value of having balance with a new baby. One thing I know for sure--there is NO balance while l iving with an active alcoholic!! (LOL).

dandylion

Mango blast

You're not alone at all. Sending good wishes your way. ((((hugs))))

Wish I had some words of wisdom, but tonight I'm just soaking them in and gaining insight and strength. My thanks to all who share here.

nbay2013

Newmomma, I am an Atheist and while I found all the god stuff annoying; I managed to tune it out for the bigger cause. Kind of like Christmas. I enjoy it for the party and good feelings; not for religion. When people approached me with god stuff I just thanked them and told them I was a Atheist. It never went further. Actually what bothered me the most about Al-Anon was no cross talk. I would have probably done better in a support group. I didn't have time to start going to coffee after meetings or pot lucks to get deeper. I have learned SO MUCH more here than a year in Al-Anon. However, initially, Al-Anon was intensely needed by me. My tools are this forum, therapy, and reading Buddhist type books.

wife1020

Newmama
I have three kids and I am currently separated from my hopefully recovering AH.
It took me several years to realize that
1. You cant talk or argue to him after he has been drinking
2. All he will do is blame you
3. You need to make plans for you and your baby to live somewhere and be safe and stable without him.
4. It is not okay to leave the baby with him at any time right now. He is not stable. How awful would you feel if something happened?
5. You deserve better. Dont put up with this behavior.

I keep a little calender/journal thing and its heartbreaking for me to go back a year, two years even and see my little notes to myself about how he was passed out that night or how we argued after I accused of drinking. I wish I had not put up with this for as long as I did. My kids are aware of too much at such young ages. Dont let that happen to your baby.

Florence

Newmama, it's not safe for him to be alone with the baby while he's been drinking. This is what the final straw for me was. I discovered him smashed while trying to care for our infant daughter twice. Both times I kicked him out -- this last time for good.

You've been separated before. It's a situation you know. Whatever your feelings, give yourself permission to do the right thing and protect your child from her alcoholic father at whatever cost. Tell him he needs to find another place to live. If he needs time, give him a few days, no more. He could pack a bag and be out of the house tonight. When he does, change the locks on the door.

He made his decision. There's no waiting around for him to make a different one. It sucks, it hurts, it will be difficult, but I can tell you from experience that it's better on the other side. Imagine a life never walking on eggshells. Imagine a life never having to wonder if he will have an "accident" that will hurt you, another person, your children, or himself.

Get pissed off. Draw a line in the sand. Consider your full range of options, including the ones that don't involve him.

This is what I had to do. Your child's safety is non-negotiable. If he wants to self-destruct and play with fire, he has to do it on his time, not yours, and most certainly not your baby's.

P.S. I'm also an atheist. I finally came to the conclusion that whatever annoyed me about the God thing was in the way of me finding peace in my life. I participate in meditations and readings and whatnot without believing in God or being bothered by the God stuff either. As long as someone isn't shoving Jesus down my throat (which has never happened in any recovery circles I've been involved in), I'm good.

newmama

Hello! I wanted to give an update and also have a few new questions.

I realized through the work I've been doing and all of the helpful information here, that expecting anything different from my husband was unrealistic. He was only capable of short-term changes and nothing positive seemed to last more than 6 months. I realized that I was never going to be able to trust him to care for our child and with the issue that happened over the summer, there came a whole host of questionable behaviors.

As it turns out he now has a pain killer addiction and he's using pills and alcohol together. He also started compulsively shopping and buying an extreme number of things he does not need (300+ pairs of designer socks, for example!) In December I kicked him out and since then I have proof that he had been cheating on me for at least 6 months.

He has only seen our child for a total of 6 hours since December. He has not given me a dime for her care or even asked about her once in the entire time he's been gone. During one visit he actually took alcohol he had stashed in the house. I presume to hide the fact that he was drinking it during the visit (I was in another room and only later became aware he had access to alcohol).

It was actually a blessing that he wasn't trying to see our daughter because I don't think it's in her benefit to have contact with him and I have obvious safety concerns. I had not heard from him at all in over 2 months until this week. I actually had to contact him due to tax information needed from him and now he's asking to see her again. He is also not keeping up with his financial obligations, but continues to send messages (I presume for documentation purposes) stating that he is meeting his obligations.

I'm working with an attorney and expect to be filing initial papers as soon as possible. I am physically separated from him, but I'm still so overwhelmed. One thing I'm wondering about is how other people with children and Ex-A's do it. How do you know your children are safe during visits? How do you limit your children's exposure to the Ex-A's addictions? Are there any tips for how to structure things to limit or at least reduce his toxic reach?

theuncertainty

Sending hugs, Newmama. He can keep sending messages stating he's meeting his obligations, but if he's not actually doing anything, the messages aren't proof. If he hasn't paid any child support, he'll have no record of having given towards her care. (And that, actually, is really a very telling factor about his level of involvement. Not every man who separates from his wife waits for a court to tell him to pay child support. Some men are actually proactive and offer to help care for their children. I didn't know that.... AXH was one of the ones who ignored the State contacting him for over a year. And then I only got payments when they took steps to garnish his wages.)

For the last 2 questions in your post:

Document, clearly and concisely, the facts of his visits, dates, times, discovering hidden bottles after he's left, etc.

Make sure to relay that information to your attorney. Discuss with the attny: limited visitation options, supervised visitation, no overnights due to his drinking and her being so young. Make sure you can point out reason why you feel restrictions are needed. Reasons, not emotions. Ask about getting a temporary visitation schedule in place to cover between now and the divorce hearing(s).

I pushed for legal custody of DS because: AXH had never been involved in the major decisions related to DS's health, daycare, school, etc. The one time I did have to get AXH's approval, he stalled for MONTHS. AXH later voluntarily gave it up at the actual hearing. It means I have the sole responsibility to make decisions, I don't need his approval: medical, dental, school, etc. for DS.

Whether or not you want to ask for that will depend on whether your AH has ever been involved or whether or not he has been an obstructionist when you've tried to seek care for your DD.

As for how did I know DS was safe during visits... I had to trust my HP and I have to admit that was a bit hard to do. (((hugs)))