Recovering2

For those of you in relationships with Recovering A's....is this normal? My ABF completed 45 days of in patient treatment in another state, and returned home this past weekend. He is entering an IOP, and has already met with a local psychologist who specializes in addiction recovery (recommended by his treatment facility). He is attending AA daily. So he's doing the work.

My frustration is with our communication. Since he's been home, his communication with me has been very surface. What do we want to do for dinner, do I need something from the grocery store, what errands are we doing today, etc etc. No actual meaningful discussions. On day 3, I finally told him that this was not okay with me. So he agreed to sit and talk. We talked about his experience in treatment, and we got into our feelings about where we are now. He has a very unhealthy re'ship with a very dependent adult daughter, we talked about his plans to deal with that re'ship. It was an emotional conversation for both of us, but good.

That was the last conversation like that. He's back to very generic surface stuff. Even keeping things from me, like dinner plans with said daughter. I don't care that they have dinner together at all, but there was a deliberate effort to keep me from finding out. That's hard for me, but I didn't say anything.

We tried to talk again 2 nights ago, but he immediately shut down and said he would talk but he's afraid I'll get upset. Then he went to bed, so that was it. When I got home last night, I decided to go back to my "loving detachment" and give him space. He didn't talk to me all night.

Is this normal? I feel like it's the old communication patterns he always had...now the only difference is he's sober. And I don't think it's fair to use me (or how I may react) as an excuse to not talk. If I held onto believing he would follow old patterns, then I would still be expecting him to drink.

I'm not reacting like I usually would have back in the chaos. I'm going to AlAnon, doing my readings, church, counseling, etc. I am going to ask someone in my group to sponsor me next meeting, and start working the steps. I just want to know if this is to be expected in early recovery, and I should give him space. Or is this a red flag that he is unable to risk any emotional depth with me?

Thanks for reading......

onceuponatime2

Alcoholics often still have problems with communication, and dealing with problems especially early in recovery. It doesn't just all go away once they become sober. It is good that he is seeking some type of help. Like you said those of us who live with them have also adapted disfunctional ways in how we respond to them and we need help too. I think it is good that you are seeking help for yourself that really is the only thing you can do. Work on yourself and allow him to work on his own recovery.

BadCompany

Recovery is gradual. Don't just lower your expectations, get rid of them. Just wait and see what happens. If he is doing all the right stuff, he will get there. It took a long time to get into this mess, give it more than two months for things to straighten out.

EnglishGarden

My understanding is that people in early recovery have muddled minds which need several months to stabilize, so maybe he just isn't able yet to formulate feelings into words.

For myself, when I revert to "surface" communication with a person, it is usually because I fear being myself because of the risk of being judged. So I keep things general.

Alcoholics struggle with a lot of bad memories about their failures and behaviors, and I expect early sobriety is a time of feeling very very fragile. I know that even in my early recovery in Al-Anon and therapy, I used to wince and brace if I thought someone was going to judge me for all the mistakes I'd made.

Can you concentrate on your own recovery for awhile and let the relationship issues rest for several months and allow your partnership to be cordial but not intimate right now? I have not been in your specific situation, but I do know how raw a person can be in early recovery or early therapy. For example, my son is not an addict but he did suffer two years of major depression right after college. And I found a good doctor for him, a psychiatrist. And for the first few months of weekly therapy, my son could sit with the doctor only 20 minutes. That's how fragile he was.

It is now 7 years later, and he still see this doctor once a month, for their therapeutic relationship blossomed. But early on, everyone just needed to be patient.

So maybe you can find a way to let time and your Higher Power open the way for sincere communication. When we try to control these matters with our egos, we usually get it wrong.

It's great you are getting your own support and help. I wish you much more serenity as time goes by.

PohsFriend

This!

I so get how you feel because I did too. Ok, now you are sober so I can tell you all the crap I've been storing up!

I've learned to wait til Poh is ready to talk. She's learned that if she gives me time and space I will reach a better conclusion on my own and that's reduced the strife around here 90%.

I think our breakthru in communications came as I learned two things:
1. My therapist pointed out that we were playing tug of war. His sdvice was to drop the rope. My addendum o his rule is "...then the other person has to stop pulling or they'll fall on their ass and look stupid"
2. You know what I hate? What reaaaaallllly pisses me off? When she does to me the things that realllly **** her off when I do them. An example in your case ...and I'm guessing so work with me please... Don't you love it when you are NOT in the mood to discuss something and he (or anyone) keeps saying 'what's wrong? I know something's wrong... Why won't you tell me?". ...I'm pretty sure that conversation or one like it is what precedes headlines like "Woman stabs husband in the eye with shrimp fork".

So what I've learned to do is to think about why I am pissed off, think of an instance where I pissed her off in a similar fashion and then try to put myself in her shoes. I've had the same thing you are talking about. Telling her that her lack of concern for what I wanted to complain about was NOT OK! ...yeah that worked. Right up there with "stop being mad, be happy, Right now!"

I've gotten amazingly good responses to things like "honey, the other day when I got upset about x... I just wanted to apologize.... I remember that time when(situation was reversed) and I didn't like it. I know you are having a tough time and doing your best and I'm sorry I got flustered... When you are up to it, I'd really like to talk about (whatever) without us blaming or getting defensive. I'll work on it - love you".

Early recovery sucks. He used to use alcohol to numb his emotions from ...whatever... Now he's got to deal with that stuff sober, plus guilt, shame and you being pissed off and pressuring him to perform as you think he should. Ouch.

That sounded mean toward you - not my intention... Not saying you don't have every right to want him to make up for all he has put you through. Written words don't covey tone - mine is sympathetic here. It seems really unfair that they get a 'pass' for all the things you are frustrated, scared, hurt and worried about... But that's kinda how it works.
When my beloved bride had done something I was hurt, shocked, angry, etc about and told me she felt bad enough and I needed to go talk to someone at alanon because she couldn't deal with my feelings AND hers it was like WTF!!!!!!!!!!! You did this, I have every right to be pissed and you dare to bark at ME!

I get it. That's when you imagine looking sadly up at the imaginary judge and saying "And that's when I stabbed him in the ete with the shrimp fork your Honor, my bad..."

If you want to move forward, IMHO, you have to deal in the present ONLY. If you are dealing from fear of the next problem or anger over the last one you will be miserable and he will be too. You can't make someone happy... But miserable? That's totally doable.

If he's being an asshat right now then say so. If he is not then expecting him to make up for every prior incident if asshattedness is not reasonable.

Progress, not perfection. It took us almost a year to really get past defensiveness and frustration and realllly connect. What changed? I just got too damned tired to care who was right, apologized for my ****, forgave her **** and basically said enough already.... Then focused on today.

Guess what? He might relapse, people will remind you if that.... Yeah, well... You could drop dead tomorrow from a freak shrimp fork accident, are you fretting about that?
The past? Well it's instructive or destructive. Try driving while looking in the rear view mirror the whole time (...uhm... Not on my street though, k?)

You control one person - you. You control what you do NEXT, and right now...

Once I accepted that it got easier.... OMG, What if this woman I adore relapses ten years from now so badly that she runs off with another guy rather than going to rehab when I kick her out?
Simple - nothing. It will hurt like hell. ...so I'm not about to waste one minute of those X years... I'm gonna love the hell out of her every day until then.

...who knows, maybe the worst won't happen?

Hang in there, this is hard for him too. Take care of you and try your best not to tell him what he needs todo - thats his problem, yours is to be happy whether he flies like an eagle or goes splat

Progress, not perfection my friend. Today is a great day. Wife is sober, I'm saner, shrimp forks are hidden... Tomorrow looks good but we can deal with it tomorrow.

Recovering2

Thank you for the wise comments. I think in my gut I know to not push and give him time, just needed to hear it from others. Love the comment from BadCompany "Don't just lower your expectations, get rid of them." Guess I did have my own expectations of how things would be when he got home.

He is sober, I'm (a little) saner, and no shrimp forks since he's allergic to shrimp!!!! Tomorrow looks good but we can deal with it tomorrow.

PohsFriend

I'm serious - hide the shrimp forks ;-). Everyone

Take a breath and try not to obsess :-)

Recovering2

Don't need a fork....I would just give him a shrimp!

neferkamichael

Hopefully he putting out an honest effort to change his behavior so he is going to be ackward for some period of time. I hope all goes well for the both of you.