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I thought I could handle it

Old 01-10-2013, 09:06 AM
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I thought I could handle it

So my RAH just showed up with his mom and a moving van. I didn't know it was going to be today. He had previously said that he was going to sign a 2 month lease, but he just said he signed a year lease. His mom won't let me talk to him. This is what she said to me: "They say he needs to be in recovery for a year. Do you want him to start drinking again? Do you want him to relapse?"
I guess "they" is the treatment center he is going to for his day program. Would they really tell him to leave his wife and kids? I mean, yes, I'm learning everyday that I have made some mistakes and I am a codependent and an enabler, but his dr/therapist is only hearing one side. Is that weird for me to say? I mean, he is doing this because someone is telling him to (his mom and supposedly the therapist and dr). He has said he does not want a divorce, he just wants time to heal. Am I extremely stupid? Is our marriage over and he is just too afraid to tell me? He specifically told the kids he would be gone 2 months, but now he has signed a year lease. I was feeling so good after reading all the feedback from my post yesterday and now I feel like I'm back to square one, sitting in the bedroom with the door closed, crying my eyes out, while my husband of 16 years moves out. Since he started his recovery, we haven't even had a real conversation. I feel like I at least deserve some sort of explanation.
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:28 AM
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Sorry you're in a tough situation today. I can imagine the pain when the van shows up without notice. If you're in your bedroom right now, take a few minutes to slowly breathe in and out with your eyes closed. Take control of yourself again.
The fact that his Mom showed up and is deciding who he can and can't talk to tells me your spouse has a lot of work to do. His Mom is controlling the situation, which is not healthy for him. Do you really want to live with that? "Do you want him to start drinking again? Do you want him to relapse?" STUPID questions. Of course you don't!!! But that's not up to you, and you aren't to blame if he does! You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it.
Doesn't sound (to me) like he's got it together yet. And Mom isn't helping. My personal feeling is you need the distance as much as he does, even if you don't see that yet. You need peace and calm to start on your own path of recovery.
There needs to be communication about how to handle the finances, child care, etc since this is a formal separation. To say the kids can come over whenever they want won't be helpful to you in the long run. You need a plan. I would suggest talking to an attorney about how to handle a seperation. You need to start taking control of some of this, and get things in order for YOU. Seems like he's in the drivers seat (or passenger seat and Mom is driving) and you're not making any decisions for you.
Talk to a lawyer, go to a meeting. You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay. You're going to be okay.
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:31 AM
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Simply, my suggestion is to go to an al-anon meeting, RIGHT AWAY!!! Please share. Just because he's going to treatment doesn't mean he has to move out, none of that makes sense to me, but at the same time, was your relationship unhealthy?

Addiction affects everyone, and on your side, I think mom needs to butt out. I agree he needs this time to take care of himself, but guess what???? You need support too.

Please go to a meeting. :ghug3
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:31 AM
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Good advice from Recovering2 - get a lawyer fast and start working on some boundaries - not only for you, but for the kids as well. They need to have a strong parental influence now, so show them that MOM is in control and will take care of them - they need to see/feel/experience that.

Hugs and prayers are with you!

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Old 01-10-2013, 09:32 AM
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No, you aren't stupid, but this type of situation can make you feel crazy at times. It REALLY is a one-day-at-a-time thing & sometimes all you CAN get a handle on is today.

That roller-coaster, up & down feeling that you keep going through is, unfortunately, very normal in my experience. The further you get in your own therapy/healing, the less you will feel this turbulence because you'll develop better defense mechanisms for handling everything.

FWIW, I didn't have a 'real' conversation with RAH for many weeks after he started his program either. I don't think it's too uncommon from what I've seen others share. At one point in his early recovery I actually remarked to him that it was too bad we had gone through our separation before he got sober (it lasted close to 2 yrs) because I could really see the NEED for it once he started getting sober. In early recovery, our conversations made no sense. He didn't know anything, couldn't predict anything & my frustrations had already hit a tipping point before all the new rules & regs of sobriety became a reality so I wasn't up for mollycoddling him, ya know? Outside of kids, finances, etc. we couldn't discuss much. (and honestly, even THAT was a stretch!)

But I definitely think his mom needs to stay out of business between the 2 of you. She sounds like she's got some blurry boundaries & codie behavior herself.

Hang in there, bad days are definitely going to happen. :ghug3
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:48 AM
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Hello Justshy, I'm sorry you are in such pain. It is a shame that they just showed up like that. If you had been given any notice, you might have been able to make arrangements to be elsewhere at the time.

I agree that his 'Mommy' is getting a bit too involved, but he is allowing that to happen, and there is nothing you can do about that.

I know this hurts. It hurt when my first husband moved out to be with his girlfriend and filed for divorce. I, too, just wanted to talk to him, to get some sort of resolution. I suppose, though, what I really wanted to do was to talk him out of what he was doing. Sadly, that never would have worked, and I would have given away every last shred of my self esteem in begging him to stay.

I know how much all of this hurts. I understand how hard it is to not have a resolution and the answers you want 'right now'! Unfortunately, life just does not work that way.

Your husband has made the decision to move out. He has signed a 1-year lease. Those things are facts and there is nothing, and I mean nothing, you can do about it. A year is a long time, and much may happen in the meantime.

I hope that you will take the time over the next year to become the best you that you can be. If that requires counseling, then I think it would be well worth it. You deserve to be centered and happy, and your children deserve a happy and healthy Mom!

Maybe do something just for you this evening--I know that sounds trite, but popcorn and a few home improvement shows on HGTV usually improve my mood quite a bit. I hope that you will try to get some rest tonight, too. If I'm sleep deprived, the whole world seems depressing to me.

Please take good care of yourself and those precious children!
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:55 AM
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Hang in there - none of this is in your control. There is nothing you can do to make his choices any different than they are. All you can do is first preserve, and then make YOUR life better. Hang in there! Rooting for you.

Get busy - with decorating YOUR house, with YOUR friends, doing YOUR hobbies, with YOUR kids. Take him out of your mind, and work hard to discover what truly makes you happy when he is not a factor in your day to day. This is harder than it sounds. Maybe its flower arrangements. Maybe its baking. Maybe its restoring an old motorcycle.

Check out Pinterest.com DIY. That keeps me busy for HOURS! And has GREAT ideas for fun times with the kiddos. YOU CAN DO THIS!! :ghug3
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:01 AM
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Some very good posts above me. I too, would recommend that you go see an attorney, an agreement for support might be in order, you need to protect your children.

I am sorry, I feel your pain.
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:08 AM
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Right now, I am so devastated over my breakup, that even others people's slight need of me/my attention/my assistance spins me right out of control. I can't make decisions about food, housing, etc. and I am not an alcoholic. If I was dependent on an actual drug; I suppose it would be that much harder. Try not to look at the big picture yet. Take one day a time. Not living in the same house doesn't necessarily mean you are headed for divorce. For right now it means that you are living apart. I am so sorry that this is so painful for you, but we are here and we are listening.
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Old 01-10-2013, 10:15 AM
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Have to agree Mom and hubby's actions were unacceptable. BUT, it happened,and now it's done. As difficult as it maybe let it go, and really make an effort to focus on YOU.

You need support too, hope you can reconnect with family and friends, surround yourself with people who care about you. It really helps. I will also suggest you get to an Al-Anon meeting.

Why he has enlisted his mom to be his mouth piece i do not know, but if she is too overbearing, it really is ok to take a step back, and not speak or engage with her.

The weekend is approaching, maybe getting out and doing something with your kids, or a girlfriend can lift your spirits.

It sucks when we are forced to live with others decisions/choices, I hate that so out of control feeling, but only YOU can change this. Acceptance is your answer, it is what it is right now, you can't do a damn thing for AH, so take some deep breaths and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, everything happens for a reason, and go forward.

We will be here with you. (((((hugs)))))
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:48 AM
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Justshy, I'd suggest trying - impossible, painful, but try - to separate this out into two separate umbrellas of issues.

The first is your feelings, your pain, the devastation he brought while you were together, and the devastating way he has left.

The second is the actual facts and actions of what is happening to you, and the legal and economic consequences of his leaving the marital home without discussion and signing his own 1 year lease without any legal determination of what his obligations to you and your children are.

Call a lawyer this afternoon. It is so important that not a day go by without you having appropriate legal counsel to protect you and your kids. You need an attorney to file paperwork to stop him from removing joint assets. He has already taken something in that moving van. He may have actually legally abandoned you, and that has consequences. (I'm not talking emotional abandonment - I'm talking legal.)

If you can't find a lawyer - try a friend who's been divorced or separated, your pastor, or call the Domestic Violence in your town. If you don't know where to find them, call your police station on the non-emergency phone line, and they will be able to direct you.

No, I'm not saying that this is domestic violence - it isn't. But it is imperative that you get your legal rights represented immediately and documents filed with the Court on an emergency basis to protect you and your kids. If you wait until tomorrow, that is Friday and the weekend is coming. You need to make sure you have access to bank accounts and money, and that your credit cards are not cancelled.

I'm not a lawyer, so take my words with a grain of salt. We're all here with you, so post as often as you want.

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Old 01-10-2013, 12:11 PM
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I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

The truth is that you do have to go through it. Who knows why exactly his mother is there with him, perhaps he asked her because he wouldn't be strong enough to face you, perhaps she's just a busybody. Either way, he/his mother has came to some decisions regarding his recovery. Now, you are left dealing with it.

Everyone thus far has given you some great advice.

I know it hurts real bad, but I promise, it gets better. Focus on yourself for a bit and on your children. I think you will find that they are just as scared and confused as you are. Like firebolt said, Pinterest has some awesome kidlet ideas and adult craft stuff too!

For about the first month without my husband,I just kept on saying, I just have to do the next right thing (a mantra i read at SR that gets brought up often). And eventually the next right thing was easier and I didn't have to have such tunnel vision. Is it a struggle some days? Yes. But is it worth it, for my well being and that of my children? Yes.

Sending you happy thoughts
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Old 01-10-2013, 12:25 PM
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When I felt like I was spinning out of control and looking at others for validation and comfort, my therapist advised that I really focus on self-care, emphasis on "self." She advised to do things that make me feel pampered, like taking a hot bath, getting snuggled up in big-collared sweaters or soft blankets, thick socks, and drinking warm beverages like herbal teas. She advocated finding good smells, nice lotions, and bathing myself in small things that feel -- literally FEEL -- good and warm and solid.

She also had me do some "safe place" kinds of exercises and meditations that actually helped after a lot of practice, and still do. This part was hilarious because I have absolutely no patience for this kind of thing, and had to train myself to not fear looking ridiculous or feeling like a dork for giving it a try. Pride and vanity are my downfall.

I second the suggestions of the people that urge you to *do* some things that don't involve thinking about him. Since my AH is gone, I've taken the time to incrementally clean out my house and do some silly and not-silly household crafts and spend time with the kids. Things got really bad when my inability to get past the betrayal sucked all the joy out of the household for the kids, so I had to yank myself back to stability and find ways of interacting with them that was just us, just fun, emotionally safe, and bad consequence free. We go out to eat when we can, and go on bike rides when it's warm, and the oldest and I paint together. We even made cat toys one night.

It does get better, one step at a time.

I also suggest that you at least get a consultation with a lawyer, even if you're not willing to file for divorce. Be prepared to pay the $200 fee, but oftentimes they "waive" that to convince you to come back to them when you file. At the very least, you'll have your ducks in a row, which means you will be better emotionally armed for the next battle.
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Old 01-10-2013, 01:47 PM
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Everyone has given good advice which I agree with.

I have a practical idea. My kids are grown and gone. The day they left I would spend that night rearranging the furniture and fussing with the rooms left behind. It seemed trite, but (a) it kept me busy and (b) it wore me out so I could sleep that night. It also meant that (c) when I woke up the next morning I wasn't looking at an area that had been recently vacated, with holes where furniture etc. had been, but a room that had been "rearranged/ redecorated". It made the next morning, and the next and the next... just a little easier.

I think this may help you too?
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Old 01-10-2013, 05:28 PM
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I really appreciate everyone's responses. I am truly wiped out today so I'm going to read through them again tomorrow with a clear head. One thing to add...the kids went to dinner with my husband and his mom tonight. My 10 year old son came home and said Grammy was talking about how some people aren't meant to be together, etc. Holy cow, who does that? I am just going to remain calm, she is only here until Monday. I can't control what she says or thinks or does.
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Old 01-10-2013, 09:21 PM
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" I am just going to remain calm, she is only here until Monday. I can't control what she says or thinks or does."

YAY!!! Now that's a change in behavior! Small steps....you're doing great. You're right, you can't control your M-in-law so take the high road. That sentiment holds true for your husband too. All you can too is watch your behavior, and stay steady for your kids.

I hope you get a good nights rest, you deserve it.
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