ReflectingOnMe

I stopped and saw my ex-exbf yesterday. Not the A whom I am working on getting over. This ex-ex and I had been together 10 yrs and raised his 2 and my 1 together. I hadn't seen him in 4 yrs and just moved back in with my parents (who live in the same small town as he does). He was (is?) a pothead. He was manipulative, aggressive and lazy. Didn't want to work, mow the yard, pick up after himself, watch his own kids, etc (BOY can I pick 'em!). I dated him for 2 yrs and knew I didn't want to be with him; but by then I loved his children as if they were my own. They were 1 and 2 when we started dating; we had them the majority of the time and I knew I would lose them (which I did). When I broke up with him; he went into stalker mode, kept all my things, threatened me when I moved out and I was scared of him. WHY THE H?** did I stop in and see him?! My loneliness, the three glasses of wine I had with dinner? My need to feel wanted? My need for answers?

I cannot imagine what I was thinking. I made it clear to him that I just wanted to apologize for being so COLD to him when we broke up. I have never really loved a man until my recent xabf, I didn't realize how much hurt you put someone through by cutting them completely out of your life with no explanation; no opportunity to work on things...just blink and gone. I didn't realize how crazy it could make the other person. I had spent the last few years of our relationship together hating him and resenting him. After we broke up I hated him even more and did not want to see him or remember that he existed. I completely cut him and everyone associated with him out.

I made it clear to him that I don't want us to be friends or date (ACK - h?**s no!); but that I wanted both of us to be able to move on from the hurt that we caused each other...to be able to not run the other direction when we saw another. He apologized for all of it...scaring me; putting me in a position where I had to leave..he thanked me for it..said he learned a lot about himself and who he is and what he wants. That he is ashamed of how things went.

Quacking? Perhaps, but d*#& do I feel better about walking out the front door of my parents house! I apologized (not for breaking up with him) but for how I broke up with him, for hating him and resenting him and acting like it was all his fault. That HE was the problem; when we both were. I enable and I understand that now.

I must say, I am freaking out that I approached him; but I can now say that part of my life is now clear with my conscious.