MakingMeHappy

I asked my AH to move out at the end of September. We have been married 19 years and have a daughter who recently turned 5. My H and I met when we were 19 years old and were married a long time before having a child. We both drank socially for years, but his drinking has become progressively worse since the birth of our daughter. The separation has been difficult but the space has really helped me begin to find my own happiness. I am starting to enjoy the little things in life that I didn't seem to even notice when living with the madness of alcohol and financial abuse over the past few years. For some reason, I am also finding it easier to see the patterns in his behavior and that is helping me let go a little more each day. Reading Codependent No More, the Language of Letting Go, this website, and many other books & articles also helps. I am having a difficult time explaining to my daughter what is happening to her family though. I have been in therapy since early October and she started therapy at the end of November. I wish I knew all the right things to say and do to make her feel loved and help her to know that she will be OK no matter what.

Jody675

its all in your actions. all kids need to feel secure is, predictable boundaries, love, routine, and smiles. when they can see that their parent looks happy, and can laugh and play games with them, then life will feel ok. its not easy for a child to go through separation. my kids were 6 and 7 when me and my ex separated, and it was hard on them, for i lost my mum that same year, and i didnt always do the right thing for them, but we got there in the end. still have tough times, but things are getting better. so just hang in there. you and your daughter will get through. just dont let her use the guilt card on you. remember that you are there to be her parent not her friend, and give her lots of cuddles and good times, but also enforce good dependable boundaries. sometimes the simple thing of making a cubbyhouse out of sheets and sleeping in there together, will build a lot of bridges. im sure you can think of many things that the two of you can do together. but dont forget that you need to grieve too. and grow to be your own person. so make sure you give yourself some time out for just yourself or with friends. both of you need time to heal and feel secure.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I think you are a good mom. I believe you are doing all the right things to help you both recover.

I try to look at the understanding of a 5 year old. She doesn't have a lot of life history to make comparisons to how other 5 year olds live. She knows that she has a loving mom that protects her, feeds her, meets her needs and nurtures her.

When she is older, she might notice some of the kids have two parents at home, she will also see lots of families with one adult at home. And she will still know she is loved in her home.

Your therapist and/or her therapist may have the words to help you express what is happening.

Keep reading and posting. We are here to support you. We care!

ReflectingOnMe

Welcome to SR! I have a 4 yr old (xabf's) granddaughter. Mine has a lot of questions about the break up and thinks we are getting back together even though she has been repeatedly reminded that we are not. Everything is so simple in their eyes and their precious little brains. I always answer her honestly. Sometimes she cries but usually she is fine. We were in the store the other day and she pointed to these gorgeous roses and said "grandma..grandpa won't ever buy these for you". I answered that he wouldnt and told her I would just buy them for myself. Oh the innocence! I am able to spend such great quality time with her now that I am not taking care of and picking up after A.

fourmaggie

when i started to be HONEST with me, i was honest with my kids...

i told them about what alcoholism is, in there terms...like using chocolate as a reference...(they got that!)...

I told them that people dont know how to handle things in life the right way...i told them about my GUT reactions, my anger all of it. and its not a reflection of them...but my behaviours are....i told them i am trying to get HEALTHY for me, and for our household...

kids are smart...she sees...dont stop the talks....it opens the air ways to alot of stuff of LIFE...

my kids now come to me for everything..emotions, anger all of it...and now we have words to tell each other on what we want and need....

people dont like me talking about my deceased husband to my kids....wtf? its THEIR dad, and i have all those wonderful and sad storys, if i dont tell about there dad, who will...its none of their business how i conduct the SADDNESS in my home, OPENLY to my kids...

just my 2 cents

MakingMeHappy

Thank you! I am trying to be as honest with her as possible...without "throwing her dad under the bus." I am an educator and I have seen some of my students go through this over the past two decades. I have always been the "outsider" in the past. Now it is me and my child going through these difficult times. I am beginning to understand the different points of view. I really want her to have a positive relationship with her father. More importantly, I need her to be safe both physically and emotionally no matter where she is. That's why I am so messed up right now. He has repeatedly demonstrated his dishonesty and lack of responsibility. His needs and wants always come first. When he lived with me I really thought that I could "control" that. (I know I didn't.) Now, I feel like I have no control. This whole thing sucks.

MakingMeHappy

Last night, AH had DD for an evening. He was late returning her as they were "at McDonald's." I questioned him through text messages if it was dinner or dessert. (He refuses to talk with me on the phone since I asked him to leave.) He did not respond. When she arrived home after her bedtime she said it was dinner. I am trying to provide him time with her but this is not the first time it has been brought to my attention that her needs are not being met. She eats lunch in PreK at 11 am. I get her to bed by 9 pm (I know it's kind of late). 8:45 dinner seems unreasonable to me. I couldn't get her to lay down until 9:40 last night. She has mentioned on other visits with him that she doesn't have to eat dinner when with daddy..."he lets me eat chips and junk food." I hoped that it was pure manipulation on her part because I only let her eat snacks after a well balanced dinner. I know that I am codependent. I am trying not to control him. However, I need her to be well cared for whether she is with me or him. I would appreciate advice...what should I be doing to ensure that her needs are met?

seek

I don't know - but can you get a mediator involved so you and your husband can agree to some ground rules and maybe consequences if those aren't met? You could meet with a social worker first and state your concerns and then ask the person to mediate - you could present it to him as strictly coming together to parent your daughter. That's what I would try to do . . .at least that way you could have some rules in force, re: appropriate dinner times, bed times, etc.

Lulu39

My kids are a lot older and my XAH is still an active alcoholic and drug user.

I send them to their father's WITH food, specifically breakfast food like croissants or pastries - this is so they can have something to eat in the morning while XAH is sleeping off his booze and drugs from the night before.

It must be so hard with a child as young as yours. I feel for you.

MakingMeHappy

I have hired an attorney for divorce. I just got the draft petition for dissolution of marriage today. I think that the parenting plan that we will create together will include our responsibilities. I hope that will help and that there will be consequences for not following the plan. He is currently on probation for his DUI and doesn't follow that court order though. Obviously, I am skeptical that he will follow through on anything that he agrees to in the parenting plan. I just keep wishing that he could be more responsible and put her first.

MakingMeHappy

Wow! It's really been a journey for me since the end of September. I think I may have finally helped my STBXAH by asking him to leave our home. He worked and made more in 3 months at the end of 2012 than he did in the past 5 years with me. (Even though he lied to me about his earnings the whole time he has been gone and tried to get me to give him money. Only recently when he realized that he wouldn't get much in taxes back without me did I find out the truth...W2s do not lie.) He has no choice now about being employed or not. No one is there to pay his bills for him any longer. We still communicate through texts and even then not well. I have accepted that. He has shown me who he is and I get it now. I am getting better at focusing attention on my own happiness and the happiness of my DD. I no longer desire to be with him, in fact I can barely stand to be with him for the few moments as we exchange custody of our DD. I hope he gets better someday for her but I don't expect it. I have been better about setting boundaries with him about ways to treat me in front of her and we have come to some agreements about proper care of a 5 year old that we can agree upon. I know he won't honor it all of the time but I do think he cares about her and will try. Hard times for sure, but I think I'm on the right track. I appreciate this site and the wisdom I have gotten from so many others who have already gone a similiar path in their own lives.