Mom had a stroke...now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Utah
Posts: 4
Mom had a stroke...now what?
My mother has been an alcoholic for about 10 years now...she's been in and out of rehab, had 2 or 3 DUIs, been estranged for several extended periods of time...basically has hit "rock bottom" and continued to dig multiple times. She moved from Utah to Colorado about 3 years ago, leaving my father for a man she "reunited with" during a HS reunion. Long story short, that didn't last long, as her drinking became a problem with him as well, and she's bounced around between men, jobs, and living situations since. I got married in August, and she came to the wedding and behaved herself (thank God), but has been actively drinking since.
On Thanksgiving evening 2 months ago, I got a call from a hospital in Denver saying she had a major stroke, and was in the ICU. It was a right sided stroke, so mostly just affected her mobility, and not her speech/cognition. My father and I made the decision to step up and help care for her, as we are her only lasting support system of any kind, and she has no real support in Colorado, besides her elderly mother.
My husband and I drove out on Dec. 30th to pick her up...she was discharged from the hospital, and we drove her back to Utah on the 1st of January. She is a minimum to moderate assist, so we had to move her into an Assisted Living near our house until she is independent and strong enough to be in an apartment.
My father, my husband and myself have spent countless hours, and a pretty big chunk of money since Thanksgiving making sure she is cared for, and has everything she needs. I take her shopping when she needs to go, we do her laundry, we pay for her care (>$3000/mo), etc. I sat her down last night and wanted to have a pretty frank discussion with her about where we need to go from here, and what is expected. I explained that I would give her a list of AA meetings in the area, and she could pick a meeting on whatever day/time she chooses, and I would take her to one or two meetings a week. She looked at me like I was from another planet and said "I'm not going to those, I don't need to, and you can't make me". I just stared back, startled, as I felt like I was talking to a 14 year old. I explained to her further that since we've taken over her finances since the stroke, we've seen a lot of late bills, huge debts, liquor store receipts, body shop bills from minor "accidents", etc. We've also been in contact with several of her past employers and landlords and heard multiple horror stories of her bad behavior over the past year or two. I told her all these facts, and explained that if she expects me (and my husband) to take care of her the way we have been, she needs to do her part and face the music, and buckle down and get into some type of recovery. She turned around in the wheelchair, and spouted off about only needing a stroke recovery group, that's all she will benefit from.
Anyone else can see she is clearly a disaster, and has completely lost control of her life. Her smoking and drinking are likely what caused the stroke, and she hasn't been able to keep a job in over 4 years. My husband suggested that if she doesn't agree to follow through with the suggestions we are lining up for her, we should just cut her off. Let her take care of herself, and make whatever decisions she chooses to make. I feel obligated to care for her, because I'm her only child, and she has burned all of her bridges...but at the same time, I want to protect myself, my sanity, and my family from her destructive/manipulative behavior. We had a perfectly fine "talk once a month when she's sober" detached relationship, but now since the stroke, I feel like I've been flung back into the middle of her tornado of destruction.
How do I keep firm boundaries, but also offer help to her at the same time? Do I cut her off if she chooses to ignore me? Or do I continue to spend my time/energy/emotions/money on helping her recover medically, even if she has no intentions of admitting she needs to be actively working on an alcohol recovery? I know you can't control another person's recovery, and I was doing perfectly fine with my boundaries before her stroke - but now I feel like I don't have the choice but to be involved in her life, as she now lives 2 miles away from me, and relies on me for so much. In a way, I feel like I've lost MY independence, and I'm being tossed back to the toxic lifestyle I worked so hard to distance myself from.
I'm feeling so torn, and don't know what the right thing to do is. Any help? I appreciate any feedback anyone takes the time to offer...
On Thanksgiving evening 2 months ago, I got a call from a hospital in Denver saying she had a major stroke, and was in the ICU. It was a right sided stroke, so mostly just affected her mobility, and not her speech/cognition. My father and I made the decision to step up and help care for her, as we are her only lasting support system of any kind, and she has no real support in Colorado, besides her elderly mother.
My husband and I drove out on Dec. 30th to pick her up...she was discharged from the hospital, and we drove her back to Utah on the 1st of January. She is a minimum to moderate assist, so we had to move her into an Assisted Living near our house until she is independent and strong enough to be in an apartment.
My father, my husband and myself have spent countless hours, and a pretty big chunk of money since Thanksgiving making sure she is cared for, and has everything she needs. I take her shopping when she needs to go, we do her laundry, we pay for her care (>$3000/mo), etc. I sat her down last night and wanted to have a pretty frank discussion with her about where we need to go from here, and what is expected. I explained that I would give her a list of AA meetings in the area, and she could pick a meeting on whatever day/time she chooses, and I would take her to one or two meetings a week. She looked at me like I was from another planet and said "I'm not going to those, I don't need to, and you can't make me". I just stared back, startled, as I felt like I was talking to a 14 year old. I explained to her further that since we've taken over her finances since the stroke, we've seen a lot of late bills, huge debts, liquor store receipts, body shop bills from minor "accidents", etc. We've also been in contact with several of her past employers and landlords and heard multiple horror stories of her bad behavior over the past year or two. I told her all these facts, and explained that if she expects me (and my husband) to take care of her the way we have been, she needs to do her part and face the music, and buckle down and get into some type of recovery. She turned around in the wheelchair, and spouted off about only needing a stroke recovery group, that's all she will benefit from.
Anyone else can see she is clearly a disaster, and has completely lost control of her life. Her smoking and drinking are likely what caused the stroke, and she hasn't been able to keep a job in over 4 years. My husband suggested that if she doesn't agree to follow through with the suggestions we are lining up for her, we should just cut her off. Let her take care of herself, and make whatever decisions she chooses to make. I feel obligated to care for her, because I'm her only child, and she has burned all of her bridges...but at the same time, I want to protect myself, my sanity, and my family from her destructive/manipulative behavior. We had a perfectly fine "talk once a month when she's sober" detached relationship, but now since the stroke, I feel like I've been flung back into the middle of her tornado of destruction.
How do I keep firm boundaries, but also offer help to her at the same time? Do I cut her off if she chooses to ignore me? Or do I continue to spend my time/energy/emotions/money on helping her recover medically, even if she has no intentions of admitting she needs to be actively working on an alcohol recovery? I know you can't control another person's recovery, and I was doing perfectly fine with my boundaries before her stroke - but now I feel like I don't have the choice but to be involved in her life, as she now lives 2 miles away from me, and relies on me for so much. In a way, I feel like I've lost MY independence, and I'm being tossed back to the toxic lifestyle I worked so hard to distance myself from.
I'm feeling so torn, and don't know what the right thing to do is. Any help? I appreciate any feedback anyone takes the time to offer...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Is there a support group for stroke victims in your community? It may be helpful to her.
I am sorry for the situation. My mother in law suffered a major stroke of the left side brain in October. She has paralysis and loss of speech. She is 70 and never drank or smoked. It is a life changing experience for everyone.
I am sorry for the situation. My mother in law suffered a major stroke of the left side brain in October. She has paralysis and loss of speech. She is 70 and never drank or smoked. It is a life changing experience for everyone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
This is a very stressful situation. Part of what is so hard about it is weighing what is important and what is not.
You've just married and made a real commitment to your husband and your marriage. We all have only so much energy and time to give, and remember, you are free to choose what is best for YOU.
Maybe following your husband's approach - which is right in line with Alanon - would let you honor your commitment to him and your marriage, and let your mother make her own choices and then live with what she chose, what she created.
She is clearly taking whatever she can get from whomever she can get it without an iota of feeling of responsibility. You don't have to accept that bargain if you don't want to. She is an adult and she needs to live with the consequences of her choices, even if they are unpalatable.
Not saying that you should do that, just that you can feel free and entitled to make that choice without guilt.
ShootingStar1
You've just married and made a real commitment to your husband and your marriage. We all have only so much energy and time to give, and remember, you are free to choose what is best for YOU.
Maybe following your husband's approach - which is right in line with Alanon - would let you honor your commitment to him and your marriage, and let your mother make her own choices and then live with what she chose, what she created.
She is clearly taking whatever she can get from whomever she can get it without an iota of feeling of responsibility. You don't have to accept that bargain if you don't want to. She is an adult and she needs to live with the consequences of her choices, even if they are unpalatable.
Not saying that you should do that, just that you can feel free and entitled to make that choice without guilt.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
I think it would be a good idea to get opinions from experts - maybe a social worker or therapist who specializes in addiction.
If you and your dad have enough money, you might consider setting up a system where she gets basics paid for but you step out of the day-to-day picture and perhaps only visit occasionally . . .
It is a highly personal decision.
Pray for insight.
I personally don't believe you "should" have to pay for her mistakes in terms of your mental or emotional well-being, or your time and happiness (marriage) - but only you can decide what is "right" in this case.
If you and your dad have enough money, you might consider setting up a system where she gets basics paid for but you step out of the day-to-day picture and perhaps only visit occasionally . . .
It is a highly personal decision.
Pray for insight.
I personally don't believe you "should" have to pay for her mistakes in terms of your mental or emotional well-being, or your time and happiness (marriage) - but only you can decide what is "right" in this case.
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