girlonfire

Hi, I'm very new here... not even sure I'm doing this right. I need advice. A year ago, I decided I didn't want to live on the same rollercoaster my AH had us on for over 3 years. I left him, joined Al-Anon and told him I wasn't coming home until he quit drinking. I kind of laugh at it now... how naive I was, he called begging the next day and I went home. Rollercoaster started again. Al-anon was helpful and I still speak with my sponsor. I've tried everything that most of you have tried... quit drinking, got the alcohol out of the house, made threats, nagged, didn't nag, etc. Just before Thanksgiving I had enough with the lying, hiding bottles, making me feel crazy, the arguing... it had become a completely, all-consuming, volatile environment (did I mention we have a 2 year old)? I made him move out and told him that to come back home, he had to get sober. I gave in again... of course... and 3 weeks later, I made him completely move out... just before Christmas. He's out of the house, and for the first time I feel... happy. I love him, but I feel at peace. No more volatile household! It's been 3 weeks again, and I have no desire to let him back. In fact, I'm realizing that, even if he gets sober, I have no interest in leading that life with him. Wondering if he's lying, when he's going to fall off the wagon... I feel like there will be a cloud always hanging over our marriage. BUT, my AH thinks we can get back together and he's pushing so hard. It's only been 3 weeks, but he hasn't made any attempt to go to AA. He constantly calls me depressed and I just get annoyed. He wants to take me out on dates and I cringe. He for the first time in forever is telling me how much he loves me, misses me, thinks I'm amazing... and it just angers me!! Too little, too late!! But now I feel like a giant a** not giving him yet another chance. Ok, he's still drinking, and he's not coming home until he's sober for awhile... but am I supposed to wait around for that to happen? I took vows! We have a boy who loves his father! But, I don't know that I can get past my anger and resentment! I don't think I can ever trust him again!!! Am I supposed to just get over it? Is this really something that is on my shoulders because it's what's best for my child? I really do love him and don't want to hurt him. But I don't know if I'm just in the honeymoon phase of having a peaceful household and that's why I'm not lonely, or do I really not want to be with him anymore? So confused, help!

Rosiepetal

Sorry for the rollercoaster ride.
It is more important for your child to have one healthy parent & I fear by staying with AH you will get sick yourself & then who looks after your child?
My advice, separate & then if AH does get sober you can always reconcile in time.

marie1960

girlonfire,

Welcome.

You truly do not have to decide the rest of your life today.

I understand your emotional rollercoaster. Like yourself, i never want to live/be involved with an active alkie again. I also know I could never be with a recovering alkie. I would be living on pins and needles anticipating the worst.

I think you are very wise in your acknowledgement of your situation, while we do not have a crystal ball to predict the future, your life experience has shown you what you DO NOT want in your life. Knowing that you no longer can accept his unacceptable behavior/actions is probably the first step in getting you and your child to a better place in life.

Addicts are master manipulators. He is currently quacking...... promising you the world, everything will be better , blah, blah, blah........ Addicts are also LIARS..... big fat liars.

I would turn the focus to myself and child. Do what is best for the both of you. Leave him to his own recovery if that is what he chooses. We truly cannot help them, they have to do it alone.

Hope you continue to post, we are here and we really do understand what you are going thru. Take care

PohsFriend

What she said.

My beloved wife is sleeping next to me with our two month old snuggled between us... Our life right now is so much better than when I kicked her out 12 months, 11 days and 21 hours ago. Since then she Has had a one day and a three day relapse but never got drunk that I saw... She stopped doing AA because she had to and made recovery her first priority because she wanted to in September.

We are all different and one size fits one. Our deal is working and it is built on a presumption that if she relapses she goes to rehab or just goes but neither I nor our baby nor my older child nor my wife can live with an active addict around, period.

He's out right now. You can define your own criteria for his coming back and staying or you can decide he doesn't but as many here say, nothing changes until something changes.... What's different?

I know alcoholism is out doing pushups and situps just itching to take another shot at us and it may win... I'm not happy because we won, just happy that we've made serious changes and progress and that what I can control today is all I worry about. I'm not naive, nor am I pessimistic but I think we are on the right path. My wife knows two things for certain.
1. We adore her, me particularly.
2. We won't watch her die and it's us or booze. She can't stay here if she drinks and can't take the baby if she leaves and is not sober.

Its not harsh or a dare... She knows that it would rip a hole in my heart if I ever had to break our family apart and I'd be devastated. I wouldn't be angry, would not be punishing her or mad at her... But she knows I'd do it.

...she's told me that it wasn't until I stopped enabling and she knew that drinking would cost her everything that she got serious about getting well.

So... Before you change the current arrangement what has to change? What will you and won't you agree to accept? What are the boundaries? How will they be measured? What if they are violated? IMHO all those questions need answers before the status quo reverts back to the old pattern.

Hope something in this makes sense.

CentralOhioDad

I think you are doing what needs to be done to protect yourself, and your small child. Many people can't make the decisions you've made with such conviction - you should be proud of that.

As stated by others, A's are master manipulators and con artists, they have one thing about which they are passionate - themselves. And they care about the bottle. You made a change that upset the apple cart, and A's hate those things, and those people, who mess with the status quo.

I totally understand that you don't want him back, even "if" he is taking steps toward recovery; but chances are he is not, because as long as he has hope of coming back.

You say you enjoy your peaceful, non-volatile household - sounds like heaven to me! You now have the space and time to figure out what YOU want, and what YOU and yor baby need. You have a right to be happy, to be calm, to be at peace in your own home.

Stop beating yourself up, and rather congratulate yourself on being strong.



C-OH Dad

newtothis22

What really helped me is when my therapist keeps reminding me that natural consequences HELP the alcoholic get well- not hurt them. When he is begging to come home and making promises and declaring his love for you- you are not being mean or cruel by making sure he is sober and working a recovery program before allowing him to come back home. You are setting healthy boundaries for you and your child. If you allow him back home too soon, he doesn't feel those consequences and it hurts his chances of recovery.

I kicked my AH out of the house 3 months ago after 20 years of marriage. He was a high functioning alcoholic and his drinking was pretty much a secret from the outside world. But I could no longer tolerate it when he became physically and verbally abusive towards me. Making him leave was the hardest thing I ever did. He begged and cried and declared his love for me, but with the help of my therapist and finally coming clean to my family about what was going on, I had the support I needed to stay strong. After hitting this "bottom", he went to his first AA meeting. He's been going to one almost every day since. He's been sober for 3 months and we are now working on our relationship.

I had to keep telling myself that a natural consequence of him drinking and abusing me was him spending Thanksgiving alone. That was SOOO hard. Afterall he was sober, and going to AA, so shouldn't I allow him to spend the holiday with his children? My natural tendency is to feel guilty and feel terrible for my AH, but I made a boundary that I needed him sober and working AA for 2 solid months before I would even CONSIDER having contact with him again.

I am new here, so I am not sure if its okay to give "advice" like this, but thought I would share my experience

m1k3

girlonfire, Welcome to SR. You have come to a place where people really get what you are saying because they have been there. Please read the stickies, permanent posts, at the top of the forum page. There is so much experience, strength and hope to be found there as well as a dictionary for all the acronyms used here.

In my case after years on the roller coaster I decided to get of and moved out from my AW. It's been almost 2 years now and I have no regrets. I can't have a relationship with someone I can't trust no matter how much I love them.

As for the vows, well didn't both of you take them? I finally figured out that is wasn't right that I should bind myself to someone who isn't capable of keeping her vows. Marriage vows are not a mutual suicide pact and there was no reason for me to go down with the ship as well.

So keep posting and reading, it really helps.

Your friend,

girlonfire

Many thanks to each and every one of you that shared your wisdom and kind words. You truly have made a difference in my life today.

Set my boundaries and stick with them.
I don't have to decide my life today.
Stop beating myself up.
He broke our vows too...

But, something I still can't wrap my head around - I feel like I've had a year to realize my marriage was truly falling apart and to finally kick him out, I had to accept that he may never come back and divorce may be the only option... so I've built a wall. I really don't want to get hurt again. I really don't want another trip on the rollercoaster. I don't have faith that he'll get better anytime soon. I still love him, don't trust him, and don't see a future with him anymore... BUT, is this because I've just gone through all of this and am numb (again in the honeymoon stage of my peaceful home), or is this a feeling that passes? Is my anger clouding my judgement? Have any of you gone through this?

Thank you again... girl on fire.

Pelican

I hope this peaceful feeling of a tranquil home continues for you and your son. I think we are talking about the same thing ~ I call it serenity. My serenity. and it is priceless.

I have been on the ride with active alcoholism from my loved one. I got off/on that ride so many times. Through SR, Alanon and self-improvement books I have learned that I have control of my serenity. I don't have to give it away to make someone else feel better about their choices. I am responsible for my serenity. They are responsible for their own serenity.

I agree with Mike, aka mlk3, that my marriage vows were not a suicide pact. I was on a fast moving train of destruction. I had the right to get off the train. I also had the responsibility as the sane, sober parent to remove the children from the chaos/drama of active addiction.

In my recovery, I came to accept:

Some people can stay in my heart, but not in my life.

m1k3

girlonfire, yeah I went through that. I had the anger, rage really, and periods of contentment and then periods of doubt and confusion. Still do but not near as bad.

So, yes it does get better, especially if you are willing to work on yourself. There have been studies that show spouses of alcoholics suffer trauma similar to those of soldiers serving in war zones. It takes a while to heal. Al-Anon and this site were/are great helps for me. Others have had success with therapy. The big thing is not to ignore or minimize what has happened to you.

I can honestly say that by working on myself that I am in a much better place than I have been in years and I hear that same message for others here and in Al-Anon as well.

Your friend,

Florence

I'm in the same holding pattern now. After his latest relapse, I kicked my AH out of the house and changed the locks on the doors.

I needed some peace. I was done with the marriage and immediately got a consultation with an attorney, only to find out I was nowhere near having my ducks in a row to consider divorce, much less the retainer fee.

So, I did nothing. He's living with his parents, doing whatever he does, and I'm at home with the kids, living without worry of his antics, relapses, and chaos. We are friendly and he sees the kids weekly and we occasionally hang out sometimes, but only because to my knowledge he is sober and working a program in some capacity. He's still too self-important to do ALL of the pieces of the program advised by his treatment team, and is way too concerned with the amount of prestige he's getting from his low-rent job to work on our marriage, but I have just taken that in as evidence that he's not where *I* need him to be to consider reconciliation at all. So I don't.

I'm just living my life. Not ready to date, not looking for it. I'm diving back into my hobbies, cleaning house literally and metaphorically. It's great. You don't have to make any decisions. AND! You also don't have to second-guess yourself. Just feel your feelings. Stop talking yourself out of them.

marie1960

"I don't have faith that he'll get better anytime soon. I still love him, don't trust him, and don't see a future with him anymore... " (girlonfire)

^^^^^I felt exactly the same way^^^^

I believe my inner voice/gut instinct, (whatever you want to call it) was talking away, and I just wasn't understanding or listening to what it was saying. This is what caused all the awful noise in my head. In retrospect, I spent 5 years in a very dark place. Consumed by another's addiction. Embarassed and ashamed of my choices, yet clinging to ...... BUT..... " I love him, it will get better, tomorrow will be better, he will be sorry and we will start over" That tomorrow never came.......

Faith, hope, and love belong to YOU. Believe in yourself, trust your instincts. You and your child deserve a life free of addiction.

Your current feelings and emotions are normal. I think your head and your heart are trying to come to terms with the truth, and the reality of your situation.

Sending you tons of support.