When the local bar is RABF's meeting place
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
When the local bar is RABF's meeting place
My RABF just left for the local bar... not to drink, but to meet an electrician.
This bar is notorious for the peer pressure among its patrons to drink round after round after round.
I realise this must sound strange so I'll explain. We live in a small village and everyone knows everyone. The men who live here can usually be found drunk at the bar - any time of the day or night.
I don't have the best memories of that bar given the times RABF disappeared there for sometimes up to eight hours at a time. I've been inside a couple of times myself (in a vain attempt to control the drinking). It's a horribly depressing place full of old, depressed, local bachelors with barely two zlote to rub together... yet they always manage to find money to buy booze. RABF never saw it like this, and instead found it full of characters. Things would always end up messy and his excuse was that he "couldn't" leave when he "wanted" (after the usual "15, 20 minutes" spiel he would give me) as people kept buying him rounds so he would have to buy them one and so on... I always got the "It's not my fault", "I couldn't help it", etc etc crap from him when he would eventually stagger in in the middle of the night, the table still full of now cold food I'd stupidly prepared for him hours before.
Sorry... getting to the point now. So, we need the electrician to fit our stove, and that is apparently the only place he knows he can find him.
It's 7.30pm and I'm uneasy to say the least. He hasn't given me any reason to worry. No slips. But I wonder why on earth he would go to such a place, particularly at this time of the day, particularly given he is only recently sober, and particularly given he had some upsetting news today. I am trying to go limp, but that familiar tightness in my chest is creeping up as each minute passes in spite of it all.
Incidentally, he gave me the usual "15, 20 minutes" spiel this time too, which is now up.
Sigh. I'm guessing even if he does come home without a drink that tightness in my chest is unlikely to ever go away for good.
This bar is notorious for the peer pressure among its patrons to drink round after round after round.
I realise this must sound strange so I'll explain. We live in a small village and everyone knows everyone. The men who live here can usually be found drunk at the bar - any time of the day or night.
I don't have the best memories of that bar given the times RABF disappeared there for sometimes up to eight hours at a time. I've been inside a couple of times myself (in a vain attempt to control the drinking). It's a horribly depressing place full of old, depressed, local bachelors with barely two zlote to rub together... yet they always manage to find money to buy booze. RABF never saw it like this, and instead found it full of characters. Things would always end up messy and his excuse was that he "couldn't" leave when he "wanted" (after the usual "15, 20 minutes" spiel he would give me) as people kept buying him rounds so he would have to buy them one and so on... I always got the "It's not my fault", "I couldn't help it", etc etc crap from him when he would eventually stagger in in the middle of the night, the table still full of now cold food I'd stupidly prepared for him hours before.
Sorry... getting to the point now. So, we need the electrician to fit our stove, and that is apparently the only place he knows he can find him.
It's 7.30pm and I'm uneasy to say the least. He hasn't given me any reason to worry. No slips. But I wonder why on earth he would go to such a place, particularly at this time of the day, particularly given he is only recently sober, and particularly given he had some upsetting news today. I am trying to go limp, but that familiar tightness in my chest is creeping up as each minute passes in spite of it all.
Incidentally, he gave me the usual "15, 20 minutes" spiel this time too, which is now up.
Sigh. I'm guessing even if he does come home without a drink that tightness in my chest is unlikely to ever go away for good.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
It's 7.30pm and I'm uneasy to say the least. He hasn't given me any reason to worry. No slips. But I wonder why on earth he would go to such a place, particularly at this time of the day, particularly given he is only recently sober, and particularly given he had some upsetting news today. I am trying to go limp, but that familiar tightness in my chest is creeping up as each minute passes in spite of it all.
Why can't he call the guy?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
As a small town girl...I could NEVER find a place to hide. Everyone knows where you live, who your barber/stylist is, where your day job is, which church you attend and what you drive. Going to the bar seems a little off. IMHO...
take what you want and leave the rest..
take what you want and leave the rest..
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I agree that if he's going to drink, he's going to drink. But I also understand your side. My RABF has been out of treatment 4 days, and is attending his industry conference in 2 weeks. Ugh. Happy hour gatherings, dinners with bar service. Etc. It also causes a little tightness in my chest.
I have to somehow let it go. I told him I didn't think it was a wise idea this soon out of rehab. He said he'll be fine. Okay. He knows how I feel, I will not bring it up again.
You will know soon enough, and there is nothing you can do to change it in the meantime.
I have to somehow let it go. I told him I didn't think it was a wise idea this soon out of rehab. He said he'll be fine. Okay. He knows how I feel, I will not bring it up again.
You will know soon enough, and there is nothing you can do to change it in the meantime.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
When my XAH left he didn't ask me to drop him off at his new apartment (he couldn't drive his car as he drove it home drunk, crashed it and has left it rusting on the lawn for 3 years) he asked me to drop him off at the local bar! Except he, of course, doesn't have a problem with alcohol and drugs 
he has never abused me it's all my imagination and I'm CRAZY and just making it all up.
he has never abused me it's all my imagination and I'm CRAZY and just making it all up.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
There is a bar two blocks from my house, the parking lot is always full. I have lived in this house for 8 years, I never set foot in the place. Because others in the neighborhood
frequent the bar, doesn't mean that I have to, of coarse, I am not an addict.
If he is "really" in recovery, there are a thousand other places to meet an electrican. His
actions speak for themselves.
He is not in recovery, he is smoking pot, that is not recovery, in any way, shape or form. He is not RABF, he ABF,and, most likely he is just doing what addicts do.
Is this really the kind of life you want to live? Don't you think that you deserve so much better? Have you read Codependent No More? Been to Alanon meetings? What about cynical one's blogs?
Please start working on you, in order for this relationship to work, you both need to get healthy.
frequent the bar, doesn't mean that I have to, of coarse, I am not an addict.
If he is "really" in recovery, there are a thousand other places to meet an electrican. His
actions speak for themselves.
He is not in recovery, he is smoking pot, that is not recovery, in any way, shape or form. He is not RABF, he ABF,and, most likely he is just doing what addicts do.
Is this really the kind of life you want to live? Don't you think that you deserve so much better? Have you read Codependent No More? Been to Alanon meetings? What about cynical one's blogs?
Please start working on you, in order for this relationship to work, you both need to get healthy.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
OMG, I went through this same thing. "I just have to swing by the bar to............you name it. My AXF would claim not to have anyone's phone number, but he knew he could find them at the bar.
When he wasn't drinking, I used to joke that he needed to send smoke signals, ha ha ha.
In reality, not so funny. Just another crazy QUACK!
When he wasn't drinking, I used to joke that he needed to send smoke signals, ha ha ha.
In reality, not so funny. Just another crazy QUACK!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
I am a recovered A, and a loved one of an A, and I can tell you one thing...you couldn't pay me enough to go meet ANYONE in a place that I used to use. Lets be real here, there are a million places he could meet the guy, he just WANTED to meet him at the bar.
It is time for you to stop focusing on him, and to start focusing on you. You can't control him, you can't make him be logical, you can't make him not go meet people at bars.. all you can do is work on making yourself emotionally, spiritually, physiaclly fit..so you can start living your life for YOU and not for him.
I know you care about him, but it is time you care about yourself more. He is a grown man and if he wants to go meet people at bars, well that is his choice. You also have the choice however, not to sit around worrying hoping that he doens't drink.
It is time for you to stop focusing on him, and to start focusing on you. You can't control him, you can't make him be logical, you can't make him not go meet people at bars.. all you can do is work on making yourself emotionally, spiritually, physiaclly fit..so you can start living your life for YOU and not for him.
I know you care about him, but it is time you care about yourself more. He is a grown man and if he wants to go meet people at bars, well that is his choice. You also have the choice however, not to sit around worrying hoping that he doens't drink.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
No al anon or Starbucks in that country? Damn.
Doesn't sound like a big town. Maybe next time he could have the guy meet him at the house next time?
I used to get in a lot more trouble... A few years back a friend asked if I was going to go out and look for some trouble to get into while in Vegas for business... I just smiled and told him that when I don't look for trouble it usually winds up chasing me down the street at 2am in a little black dress holding a butcher knife. I grew up and realized that I get in a lot less trouble when I don't enter situations that I can imagine ending badly without burning too much imagination...
You know those morons who say "punch me in the stomach, I can take it"? Yeah, same deal as an alcoholic going to a bar a couple weeks into sobriety.
Doesn't sound like a big town. Maybe next time he could have the guy meet him at the house next time?
I used to get in a lot more trouble... A few years back a friend asked if I was going to go out and look for some trouble to get into while in Vegas for business... I just smiled and told him that when I don't look for trouble it usually winds up chasing me down the street at 2am in a little black dress holding a butcher knife. I grew up and realized that I get in a lot less trouble when I don't enter situations that I can imagine ending badly without burning too much imagination...
You know those morons who say "punch me in the stomach, I can take it"? Yeah, same deal as an alcoholic going to a bar a couple weeks into sobriety.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Nope. No Al Anon and no Starbucks. Although I think I did see one in one of the cities during a visit, but that's a fair way away.
Not that I'm trying to make excuses, but this village is really very odd (hope it's not rubbing off on me!), and the majority of its locals literally NEVER leave. Our next door neighbour, for example, had us pay a bill for him in the nearest town as he couldn't fathom going there himself. The bar is attached to a small shop, and that is the extent of the meeting places. Although the bar/shop is only about a 5 minute walk away, another neighbour (who I suspect has agoraphobia) won't even go that far, and waits for the regular food van which comes through every day or two. We got a pizza from the neighbouring town once and drew a crowd of people when we got back home who were curious about what it was.
I'm not making any negative comments on the lifestyles of these people, by the way, just giving some perspective. RABF doesn't really know the electrician who services the village, just that he would likely turn up at the bar, so that's why he met him there. I agree with Maylie though, it is strange that he would even want to go there at all. Sometimes I stupidly try to understand by recalling what it was like when I quit smoking. I didn't avoid any situation which might trigger my addiction. Then again, I was way to stubborn to start again. But cigarettes and alcohol are pretty poor comparisons when it comes to addiction.
Anyway, the good news is, there was definitely no drinking. RABF said it was weird drinking a coke in the bar, but that no one gave him grief or even seemed to notice! I take dollydo's point though that the pot smoking is not good. He lit one up as soon as he got home. It's just hard to be too upset about that when it's a marked improvement on him coming back from the bar (eventually) falling down drunk. A giggly pot head trumps an abusive alcoholic.
He has a therapy session in the city coming up and I will bring up the fact he might like to talk to the therapist about his pot smoking then.
In the meantime, I have not yet read Codependent No More, dollydo. I will try to download it now. It seems consensus is that this is the most important book for people in our shoes...?
Not that I'm trying to make excuses, but this village is really very odd (hope it's not rubbing off on me!), and the majority of its locals literally NEVER leave. Our next door neighbour, for example, had us pay a bill for him in the nearest town as he couldn't fathom going there himself. The bar is attached to a small shop, and that is the extent of the meeting places. Although the bar/shop is only about a 5 minute walk away, another neighbour (who I suspect has agoraphobia) won't even go that far, and waits for the regular food van which comes through every day or two. We got a pizza from the neighbouring town once and drew a crowd of people when we got back home who were curious about what it was.
I'm not making any negative comments on the lifestyles of these people, by the way, just giving some perspective. RABF doesn't really know the electrician who services the village, just that he would likely turn up at the bar, so that's why he met him there. I agree with Maylie though, it is strange that he would even want to go there at all. Sometimes I stupidly try to understand by recalling what it was like when I quit smoking. I didn't avoid any situation which might trigger my addiction. Then again, I was way to stubborn to start again. But cigarettes and alcohol are pretty poor comparisons when it comes to addiction.
Anyway, the good news is, there was definitely no drinking. RABF said it was weird drinking a coke in the bar, but that no one gave him grief or even seemed to notice! I take dollydo's point though that the pot smoking is not good. He lit one up as soon as he got home. It's just hard to be too upset about that when it's a marked improvement on him coming back from the bar (eventually) falling down drunk. A giggly pot head trumps an abusive alcoholic.
He has a therapy session in the city coming up and I will bring up the fact he might like to talk to the therapist about his pot smoking then.
In the meantime, I have not yet read Codependent No More, dollydo. I will try to download it now. It seems consensus is that this is the most important book for people in our shoes...?
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