Sadconfused

I spent most of my weekend laying around in pj's watching netflix on my daughters tablet while she cuddled and played. It was a quiet, only because i didnt engage ABF. I left him be to drink and play his game and that is what he did with the exception a trip to walmart in which he sat on the car with the kid while i went in.

For a long time i could live like this, i just at left him alone and my life goes on quietly yet very boring and unfulfilling. I live like a single parent without the peace, comfort, and benifits. I dont want it anymore, i want better. If i am going to be alone in every other aspect than i am going to be physically alone as well. Im tried of being a vitcim feeling forced to sit here unhappy blaming him and my father when i am the only keeping myself here.

Though all my thinking i have come to.the conclussion that a lot of the reason i stay is because i am expected to, my dad is one of those if you have a kid you stay together people. He has had heart problems for 10 yrs or so. He was an A up to that point. He was sober for 7 yrs and started back uo about 3 yrs ago. But back when he first stopped drinking i was about 17. I started telling myself that i had to keep everything calm for hin so i didnt cause him to have a heart attack which meant always doing what he wanted and nothing to upset him. I know that leaving ABF will upset him and i guess disappoint him and tgat scares me as well. I am letting them both run my life, i have given up my freedom and rights to make decisions for myself and do what makes me happy to them. I want to do so many things that i dont do because it will upset them or they wont agree with it. I dont want that anymore, i want me back.

No real point to my post, just thinking and rambling.

MsPINKAcres

((sadconfused))

keep searching & finding out what is healthiest for you & your child ~ remember you deserve to be happy, joyous and free in your life ~

It's about what you and your HP think is best for you - not anyone else

pink hugs!

bamboo10

You need to do what is best for yourself and your child. I know it is hard to think of disappointing your dad but he is a grown adult. You need to do the best for yourself.

Sadconfused

It must smell my lack of interest, he is laying it on thick today. Texting me with i love yous and i love you a lots. Typical after a weekend up being selfish. This is the hardest part for me cause its so easy to for me to just let it go and mantain what little normalcy i have left but i know that isnt going to fix anything and the boy he is right now is mostly an act even though he reminds me so of the person i once knew

Recovering2

A healthy Dad would not be disappointed if his daughter left an unhealthy alcoholic relationship and reclaimed her happiness. I just read in "The Language of Letting Go" that loving your family doesn't mean accepting their decisions and not respecting your own. Put yourself and your child first. Sounds like you are realizing as you have detached from the ABF's behavior, you are seeing that there is more to life than your current situation. I applaud you for realizing that. I don't know if you go to AlAnon, but you will find the support to make the right decision.