Sadconfused

Anyone here ever call one? What is the process and what do they actually do?

bamboo10

Never called one-and I have no clue what they do-but why not give it a shot? It couldn't hurt right?

Impurrfect

((Sadconfused)) -I've never called one, but know several people here who have. This is a "sticky" that is posted at the top of the forum and may give you some insight.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Abuse is NEVER okay, and DV people are trained to help so please call them if you are worried about your safety.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Sadconfused

Thanks, im nervous to call for some reason. I am going to ponder on it a little. Everytime i get serious about it or al anon or anything to help me i in some way feel like i am betraying him or somthing, then i tell myself that it doesnt matter because it hasnt happen in a while and then i freak out because i sound like one of the women i would have called weak 5 yrs ago and get mad that i am stupid enough to keep believing and trusting someone so unstable.

ReflectingOnMe

I think the nervousness is because it makes it REAL, it is because other people KNOW our secrets. I get that. I never told anyone when A disappointed me, hurt my feelings or scared me...I was protecting him; but who was protecting me?

Sending love and healing your way.

Sadconfused

Thank you, this is very much how i feel. No one knows about the chaos i live with and i guess as long as i dont tell anyone i can keep telling myself that its me and i am being dramatic and worse than it really is.

suki44883

Sadconfused, they won't DO anything unless you ask them to. What they will do is share with you information on how you can help yourself and what they CAN do for you if you want. Gathering information is never wrong and knowing what your options are can be a huge help if and when you decide it is time for you to leave.

I hope you'll keep posting here for support also. We do care.

PippiLngstockng

I called a DV hotline. Once, many years ago after my AH pushed me hard and I fell and When the police came they took him in for the night.
The hotline woman told me dv doesn't just stop and that's it, but tends to get progressively worse. I couldn't imagine what to do - with 4 young children. So I called my in laws and we all told AH to cut it out. He claims he was 2 years sober after that - who knows. He never went for treatment.

Fast forward to this summer and he's freaking terrified me again a couple of times. If I were less used to problems with him, it would probably be more.

I called a hotline again this fall. They gave good advice about getting a restraining order. This time this stuff isn't a total shock for me to hear. They also said it never gets better, just worse and is terrible for the children.

Now I have a dv advocate that I have met with a few times. She is working also with my lawyer to help figure out the best separation/divorce strategy.

I am kinda overwhelmed with all of the professionals in my life. But each one gets a different aspect of this mess. The Al Anon folks get their piece, the dv people another. She really gets the seriousness of my STBXAH's crazy and theeatening manner. Strangely, in this case it is comforting to have someone worried about me. AH has told so many friends and family that I am making it up that it is really important to have someone believe me. She also gives me advice on how to deal with him right now. And she referred me to - another professional - a specialist in trauma and violence in families, who I will be seeing tomorrow and later the children can get care with this specialist, too.

It makes it real, it feels surreal, but having a dv advocate turned out to be a pretty darned good idea!

Sadconfused

I guess i am still at thd point where i dont want anyone else involved, i am a very quiet pirvate person so that scares me a lot. Im just not sure it would help to call anyways, they are going to tell me what i already know and cant find the courage to implement. I am still thinking on.

StarCat

I have called.
If you want help finding your next step, they'll help. If you need another specialist - a lawyer or a place to stay or a therapist or whatever - they can get you a phone number and tell you somewhere that you can use for free or cheap. If you just want someone to talk to, they'll listen. If you just want someone to listen to, they'll talk.
Calling does make it real, but it also makes it manageable.

amy55

I also called a DV hotline. I didn't know what to say when I called, but I was desperate. My ex had my head so messed up that I was questioning myself again, beginning to think things were "normal" when deep down inside, I knew things were wrong. That was back in 2003. Perhaps the first time that I really admitted to myself that I was in an abusive relationship.

I talked with someone on the phone for over an hour. I guess that first time, I just called for some kind of validation that I was not "crazy". Didn't even know how to start the phone call. I think I started it with "I don't know what to say, I don't know why I called". The person I talked to was very kind and gentle, she drew some information out of me as to why I would call, and once I started talking, I had a very hard time stopping. I wasn't used to being listened to. I'm not even sure if I remember anything this person had really said to me, other then she had listened to me, was not judgemental, was caring, and told me to call back whenever I needed to.

I felt safe when I was on the phone, it felt good to be able to tell someone what I was going through, I felt validated, and no longer "crazy".

I kept the number on my phone, (would not suggest this, if you abf checks your phone).

Didn't call back for another 2 months. The reason I called again, was because my ex had grabbed me by the neck so hard that he left his hand imprint on my neck, then he threw me to the floor.

I grabbed my purse with my cellphone and left the house. Locked myself in the car, and waited for him to go to sleep. I then called the hotline number. When I told them what had happened, they asked me if I wanted them to call the police, I told them no, then they asked me if I wanted to go to the shelter, I couldn't believe I actually said yes. They then transferred my call to the local shelter.

When I talked to them we made arrangements for how I can get there, I told them that I could drive, they did offer to have the police come to my house to get me out, or even wait at the end of the block. They told me to drive to a shopping mall, and when I got there to call them back, that they would give me the rest of the directions then. This was to ensure the safety of the others at the shelter.

The address to the shelters are not public knowledge. You are not allowed in unless they know you are coming, then they buzz you in. So when I got to the shopping mall I called them back, and they gave me the rest of the directions to get there.

Once there I just sat and talked, they asked me some questions, and asked me how I wanted to proceed. They advised me of my options, talked to me about a restraining order, told me that they have a lawyer that works pro bono with them.

They also had group therapy 2 times a week, if you had left with only the clothes on your back, they also had clothes, they could also set you up for job interviews, or get you job training.

They did not try to talk me into leaving my ex, they did explain that things get progressively worse, but they allowed me to make my own decision.

This was the beginning of my training in "abuse". They will not tell you what to do, because you have been told so many times what to do, by your abuser, they just want you to feel safe, and empower you to make your own decisions, when you feel that the time is right.

That belief in me alone, was enough to empower me, I started to go to therapy shortly after that, I even told my ex where I was going, and why. (Not recommended in the majority of abuse cases). It may have taken me 5 years after that to finally leave, but it was the beginning of taking my life back.

(((((((((hugs))))))))) to you, it's a big decision. Just know that I believe in you, the way they believed in me.

Sadconfused

Thank you, the stories help a lot. Im not calling today, im not sure what i would say and i dont have a lot of time before he gets home. Its nice to now its there.

Recovering2

There is no harm in gathering information. Doens't mean anyone has to get involved, or that you have to act on anything. But getting the information only helps you make better choices. Why not consider an AlAnon meeting? You don't have to share, or talk at all. You don't have to tell anyone who the addict is, or why you're there. You can just listen. You may gain some wisdom, and some strength. I think that first meeting is scary for all of us!! But it always ends up being positive. Consider it a "self care" meeting.
I'm sorry you're hurting, and wish you peace.

DMC

I used to answer that phone. I worked in a shelter for awhile, and YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

You can be as anonymous as you want to be, and not judged.
There are a lot of resources out there, and the hotline is often the easiest way to learn about them.

Hugs to you.
D

newtothis22

I totally know what you mean. After finally telling a therapist about the physical stuff that was going on in my marriage for the past 6 years or so, I felt relieved, but mostly felt like I had betrayed my AH. I had protected "our secret" from outsiders for so long that I had an intense feeling of shame, and the need to protect him and our relationship. I was advised by my therapist to call the DV hotline and make a safe exit plan because I was considering leaving him. I did call a few weeks later, and the person on the line was SO supportive. She didn't judge, or even give advice, she just listened and told me to call back whenever I needed.

You should definitely call if you need a shoulder to lean on, or if you feel afraid. It is completely anonymous and it is good to know there are options out there! Best of luck.