help i am drowning
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1
help i am drowning
hello
man am I glad to have found this place
my wife is a textbook case of depression and alcoholism
I am in the construction industry and have to work 4 hours from home or not work at all
i call shes drunk
i get home early shes drunk
she hides the booze not so well
when I confront her it is all my fault
when I am home it is like 2 ships in the night
we speak of nothing of consequence and generally avoid each other
due to my harrasment and nickels worth of free advice she now hates me i think
in our marriage I found bought and remodeled a home ,make all the money,and am the one with hopes and dreams of the future
she is a couch potatoe and has contributed nothing
i would gladly stay and help her fight this if i saw any desire at all for her to do anything about anything
unfortunatly all i do see is resentment aggresion lies and sabotage
i feel like everything that I have worked very hard to create is in jeapardy due to her selfish behavior
my head is not in my bussiness
after spending quite a few hours reading other posts on this site i have relized
1 i cant fix this
2 i am an enabler
3 this is not uncommon
4 that for my own mental health that I cannot continue this farce
i have studied alanon and will attend my first meeting tommorow evening
but I have at least one question that I have yet to find an answer for
1 if I am to not to make a scene and let her find bottom than how far can I let her pull me and our 3 year old son down with her? my suffering is mine and I can cope or leave or whatever .my boy however is stuck. we live in a state that regularly awards crack moms the kids over a responsible father.
so for me to walk would be tantamount to abandoning my son to a poor childhood and cause me to pay child support that would probably be subverted to my wifes lifestyle. i really want a whole happy family for my son and will do anything in my power to achieve this
please if anyone has a good answer i am all ears
thank you
man am I glad to have found this place
my wife is a textbook case of depression and alcoholism
I am in the construction industry and have to work 4 hours from home or not work at all
i call shes drunk
i get home early shes drunk
she hides the booze not so well
when I confront her it is all my fault
when I am home it is like 2 ships in the night
we speak of nothing of consequence and generally avoid each other
due to my harrasment and nickels worth of free advice she now hates me i think
in our marriage I found bought and remodeled a home ,make all the money,and am the one with hopes and dreams of the future
she is a couch potatoe and has contributed nothing
i would gladly stay and help her fight this if i saw any desire at all for her to do anything about anything
unfortunatly all i do see is resentment aggresion lies and sabotage
i feel like everything that I have worked very hard to create is in jeapardy due to her selfish behavior
my head is not in my bussiness
after spending quite a few hours reading other posts on this site i have relized
1 i cant fix this
2 i am an enabler
3 this is not uncommon
4 that for my own mental health that I cannot continue this farce
i have studied alanon and will attend my first meeting tommorow evening
but I have at least one question that I have yet to find an answer for
1 if I am to not to make a scene and let her find bottom than how far can I let her pull me and our 3 year old son down with her? my suffering is mine and I can cope or leave or whatever .my boy however is stuck. we live in a state that regularly awards crack moms the kids over a responsible father.
so for me to walk would be tantamount to abandoning my son to a poor childhood and cause me to pay child support that would probably be subverted to my wifes lifestyle. i really want a whole happy family for my son and will do anything in my power to achieve this
please if anyone has a good answer i am all ears
thank you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
So sorry for what's happening and it sounds like you have a very good understanding of alcoholism and your inability to stop it.
Al Anon is the best place for you to wade through your final question - it was enlightening for me to accept it wasn't my problem, and that I didn't owe it to him to stay to make sure he was ok. He did end up quitting drinking (it was a relapse) but that's another story.
It sounds like you have already determined your future - you believe she will be awarded custody, you won't do that to your son (thank goodness) therefore you have no choice. That's how I read it anyway.
Regardless of what you think, or hear, or have seen you should talk to an attorney about this situation before you make up your mind that nothing can be done about it because your state is 'one of those states". Maybe it is what you say, maybe its not - might just need to build your case a little.
Regardless my personal opinion is that no child for any reason should be brought up in an alcoholic or addicted home. I don't care if it means losing everything - you are right a child doesn't have a choice and you need to make it for him. Read through the posts on here of what happens to children raised in this type of environment. It makes me so damn mad that anyone would subject their child to it - the likelyhood that he will end up marrying an alkie or being one himself is very very high.
Keep posting and reading - many hugs to you I have a lot of compassion for you and what it happening to you.
Al Anon is the best place for you to wade through your final question - it was enlightening for me to accept it wasn't my problem, and that I didn't owe it to him to stay to make sure he was ok. He did end up quitting drinking (it was a relapse) but that's another story.
It sounds like you have already determined your future - you believe she will be awarded custody, you won't do that to your son (thank goodness) therefore you have no choice. That's how I read it anyway.
Regardless of what you think, or hear, or have seen you should talk to an attorney about this situation before you make up your mind that nothing can be done about it because your state is 'one of those states". Maybe it is what you say, maybe its not - might just need to build your case a little.
Regardless my personal opinion is that no child for any reason should be brought up in an alcoholic or addicted home. I don't care if it means losing everything - you are right a child doesn't have a choice and you need to make it for him. Read through the posts on here of what happens to children raised in this type of environment. It makes me so damn mad that anyone would subject their child to it - the likelyhood that he will end up marrying an alkie or being one himself is very very high.
Keep posting and reading - many hugs to you I have a lot of compassion for you and what it happening to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
Yea, I relate. Last spring out pure desperation I started going to AlaNon. Things changed. I was given mental tools to apply to all sorts of day to day issues. I went to 2 meetings a week for months, got a sponsor and started working the steps. I read things here every night. Wow, simply wow. Last July my wife left and never came back. She sent ms an outline for divorce. My lawyer drew it up and it's done. We've been divorced since October after 27 years together.lots of tears but I didn't do it alone. Man, today I'm free, really free. I talked to her New Years Day. Apparently moving to Arizona and a new life didn't turn out so well. Not my problem today. Get to some meetings, things will start getting better very soon. Peace, Steve.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 186
Whether you stay or leave is up to you
If you are only staying because you think she would be awarded custody... talk to an attorney first. In contestes cases children are normally awarded a laywer of their own. That lawyer should do a good and fair investigation. You might be surprised.
That said...
When you stop protecting and enabling your wife things will normally get worse. I would make sure that your son is never left alone with your wife. Keep him in daycare... pick him up and drop him off if you can. Or pay for in home care for him. She doesnt seem to be capable of caring for a child.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
If you are only staying because you think she would be awarded custody... talk to an attorney first. In contestes cases children are normally awarded a laywer of their own. That lawyer should do a good and fair investigation. You might be surprised.
That said...
When you stop protecting and enabling your wife things will normally get worse. I would make sure that your son is never left alone with your wife. Keep him in daycare... pick him up and drop him off if you can. Or pay for in home care for him. She doesnt seem to be capable of caring for a child.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Recover53 has your best solution for now. Just as longtimers in AA tell the newly sober alcoholic to "listen to direction", I find that the same advice applies for the codependent ready to recover. Do what Recover53 has done, get to the Al-Anon meetings in whatever town you are working in or living in, and go to at least one--two or three even better--every week. When we do this, there seems a synchronistic response from our Higher Power and in due time, our problems find solutions.
It will be a better way to use your free time than passing that ship in the night.
Things will get better. Just put your shoes on and get to a meeting and keep going. Google Al-Anon and your state.
It will be a better way to use your free time than passing that ship in the night.
Things will get better. Just put your shoes on and get to a meeting and keep going. Google Al-Anon and your state.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
used1,
I just wanted to say I hope you were able to get the time to make that meeting. It takes a combination of desperation and courage to attend the first meeting but once there, it is all so easy. Just sit in a chair and listen and learn is all anyone has to do, not speak if one does not wish to, and there are great free materials, especially the pamphlet titled "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial." If you pick that one up, read it about ten times.
With your work it may be hard to get to a meeting as often as you wish, or if you need to scout around to different groups for one that seems a fit, that may take a bit of time, so I do want you to know SR is a great place to bring your concerns. There is a lot of recovery here. And we have fathers, too, like you trying to do the right thing at the right time with their children's protection in mind.
When someone in the family of alcoholism begins recovery, it always has an effect. But things do not always change for the better at first. When the codependent spouse begins to respond to the alcoholic's acting out in new and healthier ways, the alcoholic often gets crazier: maybe angrier, maybe more clinging, maybe threatens to leave or to find somebody else, and some get much more domineering. It varies. But sometimes the spouse gives up, throws in the towel, and thinks, "I'll just try to manage the alcoholic as best I can and maybe she'll get sober before too long." But what the spouse does not understand is that if the spouse continues behaviors which enable the status quo, then that "before too long" can turn into decades. Meanwhile, a child has lived all his days and nights with a parent who has messed up his mind. And he enters adolescence and adulthood with some deep wounds and a lot of confusion and pretty low self-esteem.
If you do decide to just stay, to wait this out for years, then please consider finding a counselor for your child as he grows, for you will never know what his experience of the alcoholic really is, he will never tell you. At least if you place him with a compassionate counselor, he will get good, neutral feedback. My son was 7 when I sent him to a counselor to recover from the effects of alcoholism in our family.
Hope things went okay tonight if you made it to Al-Anon.
I just wanted to say I hope you were able to get the time to make that meeting. It takes a combination of desperation and courage to attend the first meeting but once there, it is all so easy. Just sit in a chair and listen and learn is all anyone has to do, not speak if one does not wish to, and there are great free materials, especially the pamphlet titled "Alcoholism: A Merry-Go-Round Called Denial." If you pick that one up, read it about ten times.
With your work it may be hard to get to a meeting as often as you wish, or if you need to scout around to different groups for one that seems a fit, that may take a bit of time, so I do want you to know SR is a great place to bring your concerns. There is a lot of recovery here. And we have fathers, too, like you trying to do the right thing at the right time with their children's protection in mind.
When someone in the family of alcoholism begins recovery, it always has an effect. But things do not always change for the better at first. When the codependent spouse begins to respond to the alcoholic's acting out in new and healthier ways, the alcoholic often gets crazier: maybe angrier, maybe more clinging, maybe threatens to leave or to find somebody else, and some get much more domineering. It varies. But sometimes the spouse gives up, throws in the towel, and thinks, "I'll just try to manage the alcoholic as best I can and maybe she'll get sober before too long." But what the spouse does not understand is that if the spouse continues behaviors which enable the status quo, then that "before too long" can turn into decades. Meanwhile, a child has lived all his days and nights with a parent who has messed up his mind. And he enters adolescence and adulthood with some deep wounds and a lot of confusion and pretty low self-esteem.
If you do decide to just stay, to wait this out for years, then please consider finding a counselor for your child as he grows, for you will never know what his experience of the alcoholic really is, he will never tell you. At least if you place him with a compassionate counselor, he will get good, neutral feedback. My son was 7 when I sent him to a counselor to recover from the effects of alcoholism in our family.
Hope things went okay tonight if you made it to Al-Anon.
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