lovingenabler

I have gone through so much pain with his alcoholism and in trying to support him and be there for him that I wish he would at least commit to getting better....

I have not been in direct contact with him since the breakup (only still have him on FB, where he very ocassionally "likes" my posts), so I don't know what is going through his mind right now, but I just hate to loose my music companion, the person who would go play live music with me and then come home and cuddle with me.

I suspect that he is not drinking for the moment, to prove to himself that he is not an alcoholic. This was a constant tactic of his to fool me and his family. He uploads pictures of him playing music and captions them: drinking tea and playing music.... etc...... but I don't want to be naive and fall for that quacking (again)... QUACK QUACK!

I feel so happy for those of you who were lucky enough to have your SO seek out help and walk the road to sobriety....

I just wish I would have that same luck..... I guess it's never too late and my breakup is still recent and anything can happen. I know that I have taken a HUGE step in firmly deciding not to take him back while he is actively drinking and I am VERY VERY proud of myself for that.

I am also grateful that I am "only" 26 years old and that I "only" spent 3 years of my life with him...... I'm trying to be more grateful than resentful these days

redatlanta

I do understand how you feel and I wish for you that you get what you want - hard to lose a SO and best friend too.

I am very happy with RAH I love our life. In 5 years if he falls off the wagon and we end up splitting I am sure I will think to myself why the hell didn't I run way back when.

You just never know what you are going to end up with sweetie, I have him and somewhere deep down inside me is a feeling, or an expectation that he won't stay sober forever.

jessiec

My RABF chose recovery ... After I chose to leave him. I was prepared to never again have him in my life -- he crossed the line and had run out of chances.

If you would have told me months ago that today would now be 182 days sober -- and committed to AA, which he continually rejected -- I would have never believed it.

Whenever know what the future holds, just as another poster says! All I know is that there is a better life for you ahead, with or without him! Life with an active A just isn't a life.

LoveMeNow

My husband sought recovery in May. He goes to 2 meetings a day faithfully. Basically, I was home alone every night but I enjoy my alone time so I didn't care. However, I know many people who find recovery very lonely.

Anyway, I was very supportive, went to outings, conventions, parties, a few speaker meetings. But most importantly, I worked on my own recovery too.

I found out Thursday he relapsed as he continued to count his clean days. This is the life of being with an addict. The unknown is always there. The odds of long term sobriety are slim. Kind of hard to build a future with all the unknowns unless you can financially afford your lifestyle without their income too and can survive the roller coaster ride.

Today, I am envious of those people who are in a relationship without any addiction!

P.S. IMO, there are many who are still depending on their SO/husband/wife's sobriety for their own happiness. They are only better if they are. That's a very dangerous an scary way to live life. I know, I have done it.

dollydo

Jealous no, in recovery or not, dealing with someone who's mind is geared towards addictive behaviors, has issues no matter what. I personally have never met one that was mentally well-balanced, all have had many issues, immaturity, depression, chemical imbalances, being impulsive, anger issues and so forth.

Could just be the group that I have met, or it could be that they were like that before addiction took them over. I really don't know, all I know, is that someone else can deal with them, I pass.

Florence

I hope this isn't a sidetrack. Just... what do you do with that knowledge? I feel the same way. This is the reason I haven't gone back to him -- knowing there's such a slim change for life-long sobriety.

Well, that and what DollyDo said.

I love my RAH and I believe that he's a good person trying to figure out how to live a sober, productive life despite his mental illness and addiction. I didn't sign up for this, but it's nonetheless a factor here.

PippiLngstockng

I'll own up - I'm jealous of them, too . Even with all that everyone has piped in with! Wluldn't it be lovely if he rock solidly admitted to the alcoholism, cried and apologized and said he'd never do it again, went to a recovery program - even for a day! Ya know what?! I'd even be happy if he drank - in front of me! Where I could see the actual booze and how much he consumed and how it effected him along the way!!

Anything tangible would be worth celebrating. The day last spring when my AH finally yelled, "yeah, I am a f***ing alcoholic!", that was actually a great gift he gave me. A rare moment of truth.

Would normies be jealous of that?! Guess not

lovingenabler

hahahahahahahhah!!! u got me there, pippi!!!

FireSprite

I think LoveMeNow makes some good points here - I'm one of those that finds RAH's recovery a very lonely process for me. Yes, I'm thrilled he's committed to recovery but putting all the pieces back together again isn't as magical as it all sounds. It's still a LOT of hard work on both sides & there are days that I wonder if we'll make it through at all. I still shoulder a lot of the responsibility in our household while he's working on threading his pieces back together again. Once he stripped away the alcohol, he still had big emotional issues to fix underneath. I don't have that feeling where I anticipate he will relapse, but I'd be a fool not to be prepared if it DOES happen either.

I'm not a pessimistic person, but the reality is that rebuilding a relationship after addiction is kind of like starting over again but without that great 'honeymoon' period new relationships tend to have; where you are so totally head-over-heels that you bounce around inside your love cloud & the negative things are more palatable when you take them in stride with all the new & exciting things as well. We live with different boundaries now & rebuilding trust in someone that has hurt you in countless & unexpected ways is (in some ways) a lot harder than building trust for the 1st time with someone who hasn't hurt you. (Could just be my personal opinion & character flaws, lol)

The truth is, I think, that whether we stay in a relationship with a RA or leave & move forward into new relationships, we all do it with a certain amount of damage & almost a loss of innocence & trust where relationships are concerned. That's part of what makes it SO important to work our own programs & figure out ways to minimize the overall impact of having an A in your life at all & for me personally, the only way to get My Happy back.

I too, envy those who never have addiction touch their lives!

lizatola

I don't envy anyone who is dealing with a recovering A or an active A. I do, however, envy those who never have addiction touch their lives in a personal and intimate way. I have heard too many stories about folks in AA who are active in their 20 plus years of recovery but their spouses in Al Anon still struggle with them and the selfish and childish behaviors, despite the recovery itself. My AH was dry for 15 years but because he had no real recovery, he was also a mess emotionally and verbally abusive at times. Real recovery takes so much work and effort for all involved, and there is no 'one size fits all' when it comes to getting 'better'. Most folks swear by AA, some don't though and real recovery is(in my eyes) about getting spiritually, mentally, emotionally sound and that is a HUGE fish to fry for anybody, let alone someone with an addiction.

m1k3

I don't envy those people because if I hadn't had the experience of living with alcoholism I would never have found about working a recovery and the life it leads to. I had to hit my bottom to open myself up to all the good that working recovery brings into my life, in particular compassion, patience, detachment and serenity.

If it hadn't been for that I would still be leading a life painted in grays rather than the colors I know now. I am much closer to my adult daughters, I am much closer to my grandchildren I am much close to myself the good and the bad and I can recognize how good life can be when you live it on purpose and wide awake rather than sleep walking through it.

Your friend,

Effected

I pray every day for some kind of revelation to make him want to quit. I know it won't be me. So I don't even go there.

PohsFriend

I guess I have one decided advantage, I knew when I decided to commit what the risks were.

Two things made it easier for me. First, I was a Stepford child.... Lol. Spent a lot of my life playing the part of what others wanted me to be.
Second, life's a pinball game and I'm on my 'extra ball'. Cancer gave me a death sentence and I gave cancer a two word reply. Once it was gone I started changing and stopped wasting time.

If she relapses five years from now I won't regret a damned thing. I may be broken hearted but While far from reckless, I am not going to let fear deprive me of joy.

Recovering2

I admit I am only envious of those who have never had to deal with addiction issues in their relationships. I am not envious of those with sober SO's, as I know that journey has it's pitfalls. My ABF has been out of his treatment program for 4 days, and is now doing out patient. I don't even call him Recovered yet, I'm just not sure. So while I work hard to stay focused on me, there are some butterflies if I'm honest. He's been through treatment and stayed sober before, so who knows what the future holds?

Recovering2

Oopsy...double post. Sorry