seek

Please note the effects on YOUR physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health . . .

Mine in the last year:

My health really deteriorated and I can see why those in relationships with alcoholics have high disease and death rates themselves (read that somewhere - don't know where).

It is not a fun way to live.

The alcoholic I had so much grief over is my much loved grandson. I was (and still am) devastated that this is the outcome of all of the loving care I provided for him (that makes it sound like it's all about me, but I don't mean it that way - I mean, despite all of the loving care, this is the result and yes, that does make me feel my efforts were wasted).

amityville

you've summed up how i've been, i can tick every box there. am still feeling all those things but i'm starting to eat again..
i'm really sorry about your grandson, i haven't read any of your other posts so don't know your story, but it sounds like you did everything you could for him... being taken for granted like that because you love someone that much is so hard to take. it took me so long to admit that this person (xabf) was not worth the damage it was causing me. am not saying anyone is worthless! just that despite how much i loved him he just didn't care at all.
i hope you're having more good days than bad soon! am still up and down...but these things need time i guess,
thanks for posting this, take care xox

ZiggyB

I think I had all of those things and more...

The worst was the constant worrying, between wondering where he was and wondering when he would blow up at me again. After our breakup I had severe anxiety and guilt.

I still feel somewhat pessimistic and depressed (though that is getting better). Recovering from the verbal abuse will take some time, I think.

I definitely noticed some new wrinkles this year that I never noticed before...

please take care of YOU!

sadstate

Oh my gosh, I've just realized that I am in pain every day. My shoulders are so tight, and my heart has been racing at lot. ( I take heart medication) So I am ANGRY ! Angry that I have lived with my AH for 5 years and just now started alanon. I am angry that I cannot focus, angry that I hurt, angry that my life is a lie. Everyone thinks my life is wonderful and my husband is a great man. Sure he is , but he is killing me. Or his sickness is killing me. I am not angry that he is sick, I am angry that he doesnt take his medicine.... ALANON. Well he goes but isnt really comitted. I do not want to be this way or feel this way. I think all the time about leaving because of my health, but I dont. And that makes me angry about my indecisions. Sorry to rant, but I feel like I could have a nervous breakdown at any minute.

amityville

hi sadstae, just reading your post here, makes me think anger is a good and important feeling, i saw a thread here earlier about how anger is not a productive feeling..i have to say i disagree. in hindsight of my own experiences with xabf... more anger and less sympathy for him a few yrs back could have saved me alot of wasted time and pain! i read in anthony de mello's book 'awareness' that all anger comes from fear, if that's the case we must know on some level that we're in danger... anger needs to be acted on sometimes...
that's maybe just me being cynical in my own little bubble of hurt at the minute!
but i will never compromise my sanity and health for someone who doesn't care ever again.
rant all you want, it's healthy!!!
xox

Argnotthisagain

Panic attacks (already had PTSD from childhood. Depression too. But never had panic attacks like that before. Hyperventilation...called 911 cuz I couldnt breathe--scary!!!! Now that he's gone I still have heart pounding. I heard that once you have panic attacks, it's a physiological reaction that just happens unrelated to your emotional state.)

Developed Reflux and gall bladder probs--had to have surgery.
Weight gain then serious weight loss when it broke up.
Muscle spasms
Even got a huge boil on my back!

Most all of this is cleared up now, but I still am terribly depressed especially when alone. Huge fears that I will be alone forever. I've always been like that over breakups, though. Always picked poorly and the really emotionally damaged ones were the ones I bonded to the most--so when things inevitably exploded, I couldn't get over the person.

That's true in this case too. I should be proud of myself and relieved not to be living with anger and negativity and no sex and unpredictable rage attacks, but I've just mostly been self-pitying, unable to stop the flashbAcks to joyful moments with him feeling wanted and a sense of belonging, and now I just feel desperate for love. (Another consequence of train wreck I grew up with.)

Been too depressed to even post here and tell you all what's up with me. But here I am trying again.

ConfusedinCT

Thanks for the list, Seek. Now I don't have to write one. I too can put a check in every box. 2012 was the worst year in my life. Most unglued, most pain, most out of control. But I am determined not to let AH and whatever he is or is not doing define me or the rest of my life. I realize that he cannot be the source of my happiness (because no one human being can do that for us). As St. Augustine said, my heart will not rest until it rests in Thee. And I am not going to let him be the source of my unhappiness. I am trying to find joy and beauty in each day. I made a gratitude list and I try to add to it each day, if only to say - the sun is shining today, or I slept well last night. I keep busy with work, exercise, walks outside, friends, siblings, church, etc. Also got me some meds to combat my depression and am in counseling. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be here, but here I am. Don't give up and God bless.

amityville

panic attacks are horrible, strangely i haven't really had any since i moved away from him! am now on anti depressant though, and woke up last night with palpitations, not sure if that was because of the state my head is in or am i still getting used to the anti depressants..

Redheadsusie

I have aged I think 10 years - heartburn - anxiety- heart palpitations - not having my usual optimistic attitude. It tooks its toll on me. I will tell you I feel better physicall when I am not with him - but the codie in me misses the good and that makes me irritable as there was more bad than good! I hope 2013 is better for us all!

PippiLngstockng

If I work out at least an hour a day - better, 2 hours! I am strangely pretty great!

Unfortunately, during holidays when the children are on vacation, I don't have time for as much exercise as I need. Then I start feeling a bit batty and eat too much sugar...

Today ran for 2 hours and I am blissed out . Natural drugs, anyone ?! All of this trouble with AH has meant I am pretty darned fit right now!

So my health seems good! I have PTSD from AH's scary behavior, but it is getting better. Thank God for that

ZiggyB

Me too... It's weird how I still miss mine even though he was making me a mess. I had gastritis which mysteriously went away... I also had bad plantar fasciitis which seems to have improved a lot. Of course he thought I just had anxiety issues but it's funny how much more relaxed I felt after he left. I need to learn that I don't need to take on endless amounts of suffering in order to make a relationship work!

Momzo

Seek, I've had most of those symptoms last year....I thought it was me. Up until apx six months ago....I found myself drinking more than the social drink. I quickly realized why I was doing that and stopped. The past six months I tried to understand what was going on in my life. I was so lonely even though he lived with me. I knew what I had to do for me and my physical and mental health. It's the hardest thing I ever did. He's been gone since 12/16/12. Already I feel 100% better...my aches are gone. My swollen eyes from crying are gone. My heart is still in two pieces. Sometimes it feels like I can actually feel it breaking.

I have been back on my workout routine and I'm feeling better about myself. It's nice not to hear him call me names like fat a**, cottage cheese a**, no one will ever love you..etc..then ironically he wakes up the next day and tells me how beautiful I am and how he loves me.

We all need to stick together. Life is good and my goal for 2013 is to be happy with myself😻

jessiec

When my RABF was drinking (now 6 mths sober!!!!), I:

Suffered panic attacks/headaches
Gained weight
Stopped exercising (the later I got together with him, the drunker he'd be)
Had sleep issues (bad dreams, insomnia worrying if he was safe)

And six months later through the grace of God:
I've weaned off two anxiety medications
I'm thinner
I sleep sweetly
I'm peaceful
I have a lot more time now that I'm not babysitting a grown man!

redatlanta

When he was relapsing I was just upset - no sleep issues but sad and worried which caused.......

Shingles. All over my shoulder and back. Fun Fun.

I also developed some new wrinkles. Those are going bye bye tomorrow treating myself to some botox.

As for the 9 pounds I gained I really gained that over Nov/Dec but I am blaming him ha ha ha.

seek

Thank you to all who responded . . .my list was incomplete . . .I forgot the crazy PTSD attacks that made me practically dysfunctional and housebound - the loss of faith, the absolute utter terror, the rage, the loss of my sense of humor (which was pretty amazing at one time) the loss of joy and appreciation - almost the loss of the will to live . . .the loss of trust in people (including all of my family members who were pitted against each other due to the outrageous, unrelenting stress) . . .the loss of understanding of how this nightmare could possibly happen . . .

Most days of 2012 were sheer survival . . .

I applaud all of us for getting through these extremely difficult trials and for learning that we MUST take care of ourselves - that we MUST put our interests first (I never would have thought I would think that but survival does that to you) . . .

I got a full blood panel recently and I am already eating more healthily, exercising most days . . .I am thinking of making a CD of hypnotic suggestions to assist me in not thinking about my grandson . . .in training my mind to think other thoughts . . .

I have a lot of issues to work on: Fear of bad news (phone calls), fear of being asked to do stuff I don't want to do (fear of abandonment) - lots of work to do, but I do feel a little healthier at the moment.

I wish all of you strength and courage and the best 2013.

FindingJoy

The additions to my list...which continued after my EXABF got sober:

Severe adult acne (that 15 Dermatologists couldn't get under control so I'm on Accutane and I'm still on it.....this is a very strong medication with side effects)

Hair loss

Ate way too much sugar

Passed out on treadmill while running

Lost focus and I'm a laser focus type person...apparently my laser focus on him messed me all up.

I'm getting healthier every day. This thread is another great reminder that I don't want that life back.

seek

I think when you're in it, it's just sheer survival. I have a reprieve at the moment, but the craziness could recur anytime, as we all know.

I have to find a way to protect myself.

I see how vulnerable I am because yesterday, I went to visit an elderly relative that does not live close to me and has "people" looking after him from a distance - anyway, I could not sleep thinking about him and worrying about him and I am not even close to him. This is what my mind does - it just latches on to other people's problems and tries to fix everything . . .it is not even conscious.

And it is complicated by the fact that I do feel truly duty-bound - it's a strong conviction and belief - so I can't just pretend I don't care. Today I will try to do what I can at a distance and hope it is enough and hope that I don't get sucked in any further. I can't just turn my back on people. I know many alcoholics in my life who would have had come away from the visit with no concerns, what-so-ever. But I see things and feel I must at least try to do something. I can't ignore stuff. But there has to be something to protect me and I don't know what it is going to be. I prayed and prayed all night and had intrusive thoughts all night.

firebolt

This all makes me so angry at A's. I've never had an anxiety attack in my life until last year. I know I should focus on myself healing, but DAMN.

lillamy

I don't mean for this to be offensive; I just want to share what my sponsor said to me when I listed all the ailments I've had that I could directly relate to being married to an A. She listened politely and then said, "And when are you going to take the power back?"

I told her it wasn't that easy. That 20 years of stress, pain, fear, etc had physical results in my body. She smiled and said, "And when are you going to take your power back?"

What I finally figured out that she meant was this: If I slip on the ice and twist my ankle, I may in the moment be mad at the property manager for not sanding the sidewalk. But then I wrap my ankle. I ice it. I might get crutches. And then I start rehabilitating it. I don't sit around thinking about how angry I am at the ice. Or the property manager. I focus on what I do have power over, and let go of that which I don't. And the cause of my health problems is one of those things I don't.

Take what you want and leave the rest, as always.

Punkin50

oh how i understand all of the above completely!!