Can't carry this alone anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1
Can't carry this alone anymore
Hi all, I am married to an alcoholic and we have a baby daughter. We have been together for a few years now and I have long known about his alcoholism - although it took him longer to admit to it. He is continuing to try to moderate his drinking and has cut down a lot. It is no longer every day and it is not to the excess that it used to be. The problem is not so much that he still drinks (obviously this is still a problem) but that he is so difficult to manage when he has been drinking.
We have had many discussions when he has been sober and he is in total agreement that he is incapable of making sound judgement calls after he has been drinking and will defer to me on certain decisions. This is especially important where our daughter is concerned. The problem is that, once he has had a drink, all of this goes out of the window. Any comment I make is treated with defensiveness and resentment.
He goes drinking to a friend's house once a week. Often he will only have a couple of beers (I can tell how many within a pint) and puts our daughter to bed. Tonight he was slurring his speech and admitted to me that he had drunk 6 pints of beer (in a short space of time). I am passed caring about this in terms of the effect on me but did tell him that he would not be able to take charge of our daughter as he was too intoxicated. I went to great pains to be as non-threatening about this as possible but he still kicked off accusing me of using her to make a point about his drinking and even taking her from me - don't worry, I demanded he give her back.
It ended up with him leaving. He would not have that 6 pints had affected him in any way and insisted that he was more than able to be in charge of our daughter. I refuse to put her in danger to satisfy his drunken ego.
The Jekyll to this Hyde is a truly wonderful man but I stopped justifying his drink - related behaviour a long time ago. He, unfortunately, has lots of reasons to justify his drinking including a CBT who told him that his alcoholism was merely a symptom of PTSD - so implying he was not responsible for it.
It is becoming exhausting trying to manage and preempt the lies, excuses and effects. Can someone just hold my hand please?
We have had many discussions when he has been sober and he is in total agreement that he is incapable of making sound judgement calls after he has been drinking and will defer to me on certain decisions. This is especially important where our daughter is concerned. The problem is that, once he has had a drink, all of this goes out of the window. Any comment I make is treated with defensiveness and resentment.
He goes drinking to a friend's house once a week. Often he will only have a couple of beers (I can tell how many within a pint) and puts our daughter to bed. Tonight he was slurring his speech and admitted to me that he had drunk 6 pints of beer (in a short space of time). I am passed caring about this in terms of the effect on me but did tell him that he would not be able to take charge of our daughter as he was too intoxicated. I went to great pains to be as non-threatening about this as possible but he still kicked off accusing me of using her to make a point about his drinking and even taking her from me - don't worry, I demanded he give her back.
It ended up with him leaving. He would not have that 6 pints had affected him in any way and insisted that he was more than able to be in charge of our daughter. I refuse to put her in danger to satisfy his drunken ego.
The Jekyll to this Hyde is a truly wonderful man but I stopped justifying his drink - related behaviour a long time ago. He, unfortunately, has lots of reasons to justify his drinking including a CBT who told him that his alcoholism was merely a symptom of PTSD - so implying he was not responsible for it.
It is becoming exhausting trying to manage and preempt the lies, excuses and effects. Can someone just hold my hand please?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Oh dear I am so sorry to hear that. Having a first child is difficult enough without adding alcoholism into the mix. I can only tell you that it is not really possible for an alcoholic to stop or control their disease.
I would urge you to attend Al-Anon meetings if you can. You should be able to find a list of meetings that are held in your area. This should at least give you some support and that helps a lot when you feel so alone. It means you can be with people who understand as few others can. People say alcoholism is progressive so things will not likely get any better. But if you can go to at least 6 meetings that will give Al-anon a chance. I wish I had known about it when I was newly married with my baby daughter because it would have saved both of us from so much pain.
You are right to continue to protect your daughter. You have already made a start in getting help. You are not alone. Keep posting. ((Hugs)).
I would urge you to attend Al-Anon meetings if you can. You should be able to find a list of meetings that are held in your area. This should at least give you some support and that helps a lot when you feel so alone. It means you can be with people who understand as few others can. People say alcoholism is progressive so things will not likely get any better. But if you can go to at least 6 meetings that will give Al-anon a chance. I wish I had known about it when I was newly married with my baby daughter because it would have saved both of us from so much pain.
You are right to continue to protect your daughter. You have already made a start in getting help. You are not alone. Keep posting. ((Hugs)).
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
This is a wonderful resource for support. You are not alone!
Please make yourself at home by reading, posting, and venting as often as needed.
Some of our stories are posted in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main page. The Stickies are permanent posts that have been preserved for the wisdom/insight they offer. I am always find inspiration when I read through the stickies.
Stick around, we care about you!
This is a wonderful resource for support. You are not alone!
Please make yourself at home by reading, posting, and venting as often as needed.
Some of our stories are posted in the Sticky Posts at the top of this main page. The Stickies are permanent posts that have been preserved for the wisdom/insight they offer. I am always find inspiration when I read through the stickies.
Stick around, we care about you!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I very much loved my guy, when sober. He was a wonderful, caring man who knew he had a problem. But just like you, that all was gone as soon as he drank. He was paranoid, defensive and angry. It was very much Dr. Jekyll/Mr.Hyde. Sadly over time, there was more and more drinking, and less and less of that wonderful man I loved.
Hang out and definitely take a look at the stickies!
Hang out and definitely take a look at the stickies!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
