Pelican

Hi Crazed and Welcome to the SR family!

In our Sticky Posts, I found an article based on the Hooks that keep us Hooked into unhealthy relationships. The article addresses the guilt we may feel, it addresses the Scarcity principle that keeps us in relationships, and other fears.

This article has been an inspiration for me. Here is a link to the article

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

ZiggyB

I don't think any of us can tell you if you're mentally ill or not. You can't diagnose yourself or someone else as BPD just from reading a website. According to my shrink, EVERYONE exhibits maladaptive personality quirks from time to time.

If you have concerns I would go see a professional... and not self diagnose

BoxinRotz

If I was crying to the man I loved over the phone and wanted to be with that man that I was crying to... I'd be damned if I go to sleep with another man at my side when I hang the phone up.

She's crying I love you and not doing a damn thing about it. She's quacking. A whole lotta something comes out of that mouth with crocodile tears yet she does nothing. And you buy into it. What are you waiting for? It seems to me that whatever it is, you'll be waiting a very, very long time.

Actions speak louder than words.

She is saying things and doing NOTHING!

lovingenabler

Hi Crazed!! Welcome!!

You have come to the right place I too have been in an on/off relationship with an alkie... it's a rough road to walk!!! We seem to believe that love can do it all!! That love can save us!!! And this is true, love can save us, but only each of us, individually!!! Your love can not save her and her love can not save you and that is why it is important that you love yourself above all.... I am no expert in this, I am barely learning this lesson myself....

Have you ever tried sitting down and writing a list of all of her virtues and defects? This helped me a great deal just recently when I broke up with my XABF 12 days ago.....

I was devastated, couldn't bring myself to think of anything else but him and us and what was I going to do and should I contact him or wait and should I call him for Christmas or wait and go to his house or wait or forget him or tell my friends or should I apologize and keep pretending that nothing was wrong or should I... aaaghh!!! CRAZINESS!!! does this sound like you at times???

Well I suggest you grab pen and paper, fold the paper in half to create two columns and make a list...... on one side write down all of the positive things in your relationship; what is salvageable, what you still enjoy about her, her positive traits.... on the other column write all the negative things: the pain that has been caused, your worries, how it makes you feel, what doubts and insecurities you may have, etc...... it is very difficult to do this, it is more difficult than it sounds because it really takes some introspective, but above all it takes the guts to end our DENIAL!!!

it's not easy to sit there and write phrases such as: she calls me names, she blames me for her addiction, she is sleeping with another man......... it's truly hard but I assure you that if you accomplish it, this list will be truly liberating and it will give you a clear visual of where the scale is tipping.......and you will be able to answer the ultimate question: does this relationship fulfill me and make me happy?

Good luck to you, Crazed!!! Hang out here at SR as much as you need, read the forums, post as many times as necessary!!! there r a lot of loving people here willing to listen (err... read! hehehe) and give you honest advice!!! I hope you find peace in your heart.

EnglishGarden

Your behaviors sound like progressed codependency to me, not BPD. BPD is very extreme. You don't have the "tone" of it in your writing. But definitely full-blown late-stage codependency.

Have you read the Sticky links? There's a long list of codependent traits and my guess is that those will resonate with you.

We are all really a mess after the rollercoaster ride of a several-year relationship with an alcoholic or drug addict. You are being much too hard on yourself, but that trait is, of course, classic codependency.

I suggest Al-Anon meetings and counseling every week, give yourself the gift of compassionate listeners. You have isolated yourself and your mind with a damaged person and you need to be with healthy people on a regular basis. I promise you, you will clear up and get well, but you have to get in the car and go do it.

So sorry you are in such distress. It is leading somewhere good, I think. This is the dark storm at sea but land is up ahead. Meetings and counseling will get you to a good safe place.

mydream

Hello Crazed! I'm sitting here bawling reading this forum. I am going through the same situation so I feel your pain. I moved out and left my fiance in October because I felt that he chose alcohol over me. He was devastated and was calling and texting saying that I promised that we would grow old together and be together forever and I told him I thought that too, but I didn't know I would have to take a back seat to his drinking buddies and his social drinking life. Before I left he was drinking 3-4 nights per week but he would start at 3pm and come home around 11ish where he couldn't even stand up. After I left, he is now drinking every day and night, started doing cocaine, lost his job of 12 years and is hanging around with some trashy woman who is 16 years younger than him while he continues to text me telling me he misses me.

I also feel guilty for leaving, but I know it was the right thing to do. I pray that when he hits the bottom, if he is not there yet, he will wake up and ask for help. However, now that I am reading these forums, I'm afraid if he does want to get help, I will forever be on a rollercoster ride and I don't know if my heart can handle that.

I too feel like I love him more than I have ever loved and I don't understand why things have to be so hard, but I guess we need to take everyones advice and put our time and effort into healing ourselves and maybe once we are ok with who we are, the right relationship will come along.

lovingenabler

I am always impressed by how much pain is embedded in these posts on SR...... And every time I read someone's painful story, I feel a special loving warmth in my heart. I feel understood, and I feel compassionate, and united with this huge community of codependents who are barely discovering that they did not cause it, can not control it nor cure it.....

SR is truly a family and it is full of love and desire to live a more fulfilled life.

I love it here!!!

Crazed

So after waiting all yesterday, and all today, not a single text message received. No contact at all. My interpretation - "She doesn't care anymore."

So has anyone else experienced this:

1) The thought of breakup (divorce) has often paralyzed me. I have used it as an excuse to not marry the AG (including not wanting to rush into being a step-dad "for the kid's sake (manipulation on my part)", concerned about alcoholic chaos being present in the rest of our life, etc). "It just needs to be right." Fortunately, for the past 5 years there has been relapse after relapse, so I did not get much pressure.
2) Once the break up happens (because I did not commit to marry), I seem to be OK (at least functioning). It is not until the offending party meets someone else, and when I know they are physically in each other's presence. This is when I am at my deepest depression (non-functioning).

Right now I know the ex has become involved with someone, but at this current time (like right now), they are not physically together. As such, I am in between non-functional and functioning. If I find out they are together, I will again be crushed.

Is this a control thing??

lovingenabler

Just reading this post makes me tired............. It reminds me of when I was actively trying to control his drinking......... You are only hurting yourself, my dear Crazed

Try to do some meditation. There are plenty of good ones on Youtube to get your mind off of her at least 10 minutes at a time. Good luck and stay positive, think of YOU and your life. You really do not need her. Wish her well and let her go. That is what I am working on myself One day we will understand.

ZiggyB

I would say you are smart for not wanting to marry an alcoholic, but if she takes up with someone else you need to learn how to deal with it. It sounds to me like you might be suffering from jealousy. In my experience that happens out of insecurity. It sounds to me like you need to learn how to let go, stop trying to control the outcomes, etc.

Part of you recognizes she may never get better and you don't want alcoholic chaos in your life. Then another part of you is afraid to let go...

I can say for myself when I realized my ex was never going to stop drinking and care about what I wanted, I began to withdraw from him and his friends and the relationship fell apart from there. Yes, it has been painful but it also needed to happen.

EnglishGarden

What is keeping you from seeing a therapist, Crazed? It could really help you sort things out.

Crazed

I think a therapist may be my next stop.

fourmaggie

I agree with this also....

no harm in this...

in al anon, we take our time to progress things and dont rush until at least a year under our belt....

this time its for you...

ShootingStar1

I also think a therapist would be very helpful - it certainly has been for me.

Here's a thought... Try looking back at what you've posted from the beginning of this thread and see how much of it relates to what YOU want, solely for yourself, what would be good solely for YOU.

I don't think there is very much here about just you, and that may be a key to why you are having such trouble letting go. If you can focus, just for a bit, on only what YOU need, you'll start to be able then to ask "Does this behavior of hers (or mine) get me toward what I need to be healthy, happy, and whole?"

That's the key to Alanon. Walking your own side of the street, figuring out what you need and tending to it.

Hope that helps, we're all here for and with you.

ShootingStar1

djayr

Man your post reminds me of my own super tangled up 18 year marriage to AW. Especially the part about you feeling bad and feeling guilty.

My thought is what your gut told you when you re-read what you wrote and thought, "why am I putting up with all this nonsense?!?" But boy, do I ever understand the back and forth, feeling compatible in so many ways, but so compromised and crappy in others.

All I can say is take care of yourself. I think I've gotten so used to AW lying and being a nightmare, that the minute she does anything nice or good or thoughtful (especially to me), oh it just warms my heart! Pathetic but true.

I've learned a lot from reading my old posts or journals (especially ones from 10 years ago that say, "I'm done, I can't take this lying anymore and I do NOT trust this woman!) ... Followed by the realization that nothing. ever. changes. Even over a decade.

I really appreciated your post. Keep your sense of humor and have some fun with people you like to be with. Life is short.

marie1960

You have been with this woman for 13 years now.

Nothing has changed. This is who she is.

I wouldn't be too worried about this new guy getting the "new improved, recovered" life with her. Her track record says otherwise. While you have paid your dues, and YES you deserve happiness, personally I do not believe you will ever have it with her. TOO Much has happened, and we all know you just can't sweep all that emotion under the rug......

I too kept a scorecard tally in my head, I really believed that I paid the price, and we deserved happiness......... well I threw that scorecard right out the window..... that scorecard was holding me back, addicts do not truly care about our feelings and needs, they just DON"T get it.

I would concentrate on making sure I did not loose anymore of myself, and my one precious life on this toxic situation. This is it, no dress rehearsal, no do overs. Time for you to make your TODAY count. YOU matter.

Sending you tons of support as you sort this out. just know I am rooting for you!!

wicked

Crazed,

I read your post from today, then came here to read some of your story. This quote is from EnglishGarden. She puts it so well.
This post was in January of this year. Six months ago. Do you feel you have made any progress in your codependency program/programs?

I am asking, because this has been my experience. I have not been able to tell my addicted son to get out of my house. I HAVE to do it for my own sanity, but when?
This is so awful and I know how you are struggling. My son is schizophrenic, and I am trying to get his Social Security back. (He has already been awarded for mental disorder) but it stopped when he went to prison.
So, now, my "reason" for him staying here is to at least get the real story on the Social Security situation. Sadly, I cannot believe what he says about it. And, since he has paranoia, it is difficult to separate the truth from reality.
Once I get reality, I will then tell him to find another place.
I am going thru my own mental emotional turmoils, this is taking the little energy I have to survive.
God, sometimes, I just do not want to get up and do anything, but I have to keep moving. Keep doing something or I will be paralyzed in place.

I wonder if you are getting passed the paralyzed part. Your AGF does sound like a borderline and there is no winning there. She would have to commit so hard to therapy and different meds it seems insurmountable, and add in, most borderlines would not identify themselves as being so.

I am pretty sure my son does not think he is schizophenic, it comes on with drug use and abuse. He does methadone now, but not long before back to the more dangerous drug.

I cannot watch him crash and burn again. It is heart breaking and in his eyes, I see the paranoia and it is terrifying to see.

This is his life and as terribly hard it will be, it is his decision to make.
He could get help and live a better life, but he is choosing chaos.

As long as your girlfriend chooses chaos (and if she is borderline and alcoholic that will be the default choice) you must choose peace.

Peace is at the eye of the storm, chaos is the whirling funnel cloud.
Expecting love from the whirling funnel cloud is futile, and you will get hurt badly in the process, caught up in the chaos.

Stay low to the ground Crazed and wait for her to pass over.

Beth

PS
Sorry for the long rambling post. Just wanted to share how hard it is to stay in peace when chaos is withing earshot. I know, I have decisions and choices to make.

Hammer

wow. Late to the party.

Bro. Do you understand that English Garden nailed the whole enchilada for you MONTHS ago, now?