prodigal

My husband is rather absent-minded by nature, but you can imagine what he's like now that he's drinking excessively (and I do mean EXCESSIVELY!). I get so frustrated it's all I can do not to just start screaming my brains out - and at times I do vent on him, but all that gets me is his "Poor, poor me - see, she hates me because I'm stupid" routine.

Anyway, he keeps asking me questions about things I've already had entire discussions with him about. For cryin' out loud, the guy must remember SOMETHING! I mean, he's not drunk 24/7, although this weekend was a 48-hour bender. Needless to say, he didn't go to work today because he didn't feel "well" after getting only a few hours sleep last night. (Jeesh!)

So .... I have to deal with someone who acts like he's brain dead most of the time (or else he's just not listening to anything I say anyway) AND instead of being an aggressive drunk, he's the GREATEST passive-aggressive I've ever encountered - which is far more crazy-making than dealing with an aggressive person.

Has anyone out there dealt with a passive-aggressive and/or continually forgetful drunk? All I can think of to do at present is stay away from him, ignore him, and not speak to him - just avoid him so he doesn't make me go totally nuts!

Perfect example of his passive-aggression: He has been frequently bringing up the fact that the Army messed up his W-2 form and after almost three months we're still waiting for the amended form so we can file our taxes. Meanwhile, I rescheduled our vacation to Hawaii from May to August so we could afford to go with the big tax refund we'll be getting, which we should get by August if the Army bureaucrats get the lead out and sends us the amended form!

Well, all of a sudden tonight when I stupidly tried to once again have a rational discussion about this matter by telling him to STOP obsessing about something he cannot control (the amended W-2) and take a look at what IS rather than what IF so we could develop a financial strategy, I get the reply: "Well is was never in debt until I met YOU!" Fine. I went to the mall to buy a few clothing items for the first time in 18 months for our Hawaii vacation and I'm responsible for HIS debt (more like all the booze he charges being the cause, but .... well, you know what I mean!).

So I simply said, "Okay, I'll cancel the Hawaii vacation tomorrow and return all but a few clothing items to the store." That's when it hit me like a bolt out of the blue: he was going to keep harping on money matters until he wore me down so he could get his way. I know I'm not second-guessing on this one because he didn't so much as say, "Don't cancel yet," or "We'll reschedule a vacation when we get the finances straightened out." Besides, his input into this vacation was to label a file marked "honeymoon" and hand it to me to take care of the details.

Yep, this was to be OUR honeymoon and he showed virtually no interest. Boy, do I feel like a million dollars planning my own honeymoon! :uzi2:

P.S. - We couldn't take a honeymoon because shortly after we were married, he was deployed to Kuwait/Iraq for nine months. So ... between having to refresh his memory (if there is any memory left to refresh) and his passive-aggression (too many instances to even bother boring you with), I'm trying not to scream until my eyeballs pop: "JUST FALL OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH AND GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!"

Gabe

Hey prodigal,
It is not possible to have a rational discussion with an active alcoholic. Oh you can try, but you will end up very frustrated. They don't remember much, and if you get them aggravated, they will just start singing the "It's All Your Fault" blues. Trust me, I've heard eleventy-seven verses of that tired song.
I'm sorry that your vacation is getting spoiled before it starts by his behavior.
Crazymakers are so very hard to deal with.
Hugs and serene thoughts coming your way.
Peace,
Gabe

prodigal

Thanks for your advice - I truly appreciate it! Yep, I've got a RAGING case of codependency. But I have hope - I've already lined up four f2f mtgs in my area for this week, starting tomorrow. Now I have to get the focus on me and STOP wasting the life I was given trying to reason with a drunk. Serenity will come with time, but it's sure a rough road to get there!

Gabe

Prodigal,
Well good for you. You are doing all the right things and thinking about yourself, go to the head of the class!
Serenity will come with time.
We're here to listen and offer support while you travel down the road.
Peace,
Gabe

bookworm

OMG Prodigal....are you living with my partner??
No, just kidding.
G is also rather..um....vacant at the best of times. It used to drive me up the wall. Anything remotely to do with the real world seems to completely bewilder him. You know, like the fact that life will be a lot easier if you a) work for a living, b) pay your bills on time c)cooperate with people in authority...he once said to me "rules are great...for everyone else." I didn't take him too seriously at the time but I should've, because he really meant it!! But of course he doesn't understand that he makes his own life very unnecessarily difficult because he refuses to follow those basic 'rules' that make life bearable and then complains when things don't go his way and then proceeds to blame me, his previous employer, the fly on the wall, the dripping tap and round and round he goes. I tell you it's a helluva show once he gets going.
Anyway, I wonder a lot whether the whole 'passive aggressive' thing has to do with that refusal to follow those basic, sensible rules of life. He doesn't want to be 'boring', so he rebels against these rules because he thinks he's special and he feels he doesn't need all this stupid 'rule' stuff. So then life gets a bit unhinged but he's so stubborn that he'll do anything to manipulate the situation so that he gets his way. He knows that there are certain lines you can't cross but he knows he wants to come out on top..maybe that's where the Pass/Agg thing comes in. I'm rambling..sorry.

I did what you did - just stayed away and quietly got on with my stuff. Whenever he started with the guilt trips and the anger I just told him that he could say whatever he liked to me, but that it was up to me whether or not I chose to accept his s**t. Needless to say, I didn't. I feel much, much better, even though he's started drinking again after having some 7 or 8 days off the booze. It's a permanent mind set now.
((((Prodigal)))))
Big HugZ
Sandra

Digits101010

Prodigal - Hugzatchya you sweet angel!! **{Big un from me to you}}

My Dad's an active alcoholic and forgets everything leading my poor Mom to rage in a second. My SO is a passive/agressive, remembers everything, but sounds like he has something in common with yours in that sometimes he can't say outright what's on his mind. So as he gently leads me through a series of manipulative [...and I really doubt he knew this to be such a definable trait in him] comments, I eventually guess the right answer and win the prize which can be anything from his worming out of a luncheon with friends to his really hanging me dry.

Fortunately this hasn't happened recently. Maybe it would help you to know the other side - from where I, in my active drinking, was coming from...I did the same thing...I was passive/agressive. It was based in fear. I feared you'd hate me or torture me if I knew the truth and told you so instead I'd devise a way for you to *have the idea.* With my SO - who is not an active alcoholic - when he'd do the same thing after I got into being healthy instead of allowing him the slow torture of himself and myself I'd ask him outright: "Are you saying this because you want me to return the dresses?"

It's getting so it's comfortable for him to express his truth to me and mine to him without our having to go through with the game of "guessing what I'm really after this time!" I realized I wasn't giving him any credit nor myself. But being yours is active all I can do is tell you I emphathize and to encourage you that you don't have to play the game he sets up. You can get to the root of it and ask: "Do you want to not have a honeymoon?" By being clear like that maybe he'll *hear* it....

Love, light, warmth and prayers,
Digits

splendra

Podigal-

If your H is in the service I am sure that there is counseling available to help you cope with your H's behavior. If he misses enough work his CO might get involved. Check out what is available to you. Also every city has alanon meetings I think it would be avery good idea for you to see about attending some meetings. Your sanity has to come first in your situation. Get to some meetings and keep posting and reading here.
(((((((((((((((((BIGHUG))))))))))))))))))))

Magichappens

Hey prodigal,
It is hard to figure 'em out drunk or sober. Mine's sober, but still does things that I think are crazy. Alanon has helped me a lot to realize that we just aren't motivated by the same things. Some things I am just going to have to do for myself to be happy. Vacations are one. He can't take one. For some reason, he feels like it's a waste of time. For years I felt guilty for "wasting time". Now I know that for me, it's not a waste of time. I need it to rejuvenate. I get run down. I have to take time to refill my spiritual sails. I can be more productive that way. I wish we felt the same about these things, but we don't. That's reality. I won't feel guilty for taking time for me. If he doesn't see it that way, it's his problem. I see him wearing himself down. His health is getting worse. And he thinks I'm crazy. And better yet, I used to believe him! LOL! Hugs, Magic

Lorelai

Prodigal -
Hi! I guess we are all married to the same guy!
My husband does a lot of the same things. He obsesses about things he can do nothing about and does nothing about the things he can. He stills hold grudges over things that happened to him ten years ago !

I have realized that, whenever I talk to him about something he doesn't want to deal with, he finds something to say to me and tries to send me off onto a guilt filled, self defending tangent. I know when he's doing that now and I just pause and say "That's not what we're talking about." and look at him with a confused look. It drives him crazy that I don't start defending myself.

He also forgets everything. This has only started over the last couple of years. He can call people that he just talked to an hour ago and have the same conversation over again not remembering that he ever talked to them. You can have some fun with it though - sometimes I throw out his old digusting shirts and when he asks about them, I say "You told me to throw it out." He can't say anything about it because he doesn't remember whether he told me to or not. :-)
Mean, I know but it makes me smile anyway and helps to clean out the closet.
Hang in there - L

Magichappens

Lorelai,........ :LMAO ...Good one!