cr995

After having (for most of the time) a pretty uneventful xmas. Which btw way for me is pretty awesome after most of the xmas's I have had. I was chatting on skype to a mutual friend of myself and AH when without any warning he mentions info about AH and his new GF. I felt like I had just been stabbed through the heart!

Now I am just mad that I can no longer enjoy that almost happy feeling I had previously today. All I wanted to do this evening was enjoy eating my cheesecake and watching a movie. Now I know the cheesecake will still taste nice but that old familiar aching feeling in my chest is back. And for one moment I thought - Oh I'd love to trade places with the A. Get to pretend that nothing is wrong, everything is good and I am just a wonderful person. Feel no pain, no remorse just oblivion ! I feel like my HP has just whacked me over the head with a 2 by 4 for being too smug!

Then I start to ask myself why I feel like this , truth is no matter how I say AH is horrid and I'm better off without him bla bla, deep down inside (and maybe not even so deep down) I want to hear that he has broken up with GF because that will somehow be good for me! How I cannot fathom - because I know if I feel bad now - I'll surely feel worse if I'm stuck in a house in a strange country with him being drunk and either - withdrawn /drunk and oblivious/verbally abusive towards me. All the while living on a shrinking budget as his business goes through the floor.


While I don't want the possible future the GF has I am mad at him playing 'house' or 'let's pretend'or whatever with her. I do know what's wrong with me - I am sick but it still hurts.!!! Just the other day for the first time - instead of thinking the usual 'my life is empty and I'm scared' I thought my life is empty and whoa! I suddenly realized I get to fill it with whatever the hell I WANT! And I felt quite excited.

It took all my willpower today to NOT ask our mutual friend if the things he had just told me about AH and his GF were true or if he was just joking. But I did not succumb. I did not ask a single question about them - even though it felt like breathing in smoke - so uncomfortable to 'mind my own business'!
Anybody else get this?

Tuffgirl

Absolutely! I think anyone here can relate to this feeling. And I think its normal to not wish someone well who treated you poorly.

Just let the feeling pass - don't let it ruin your whole day! And know that over time, hearing stuff like this gets easier.

Hugs,
~T

ReflectingOnMe

I understand.

MsPINKAcres

what great steps you have taken toward changing your life ~
about not falling into the same ole trap of getting on the "drama" train

You wanted something different and YOU DID something different ~ please take a deep breath, wrap your arms around yourself & give yourself a big hug ~ although it hurt, you still did the brave thing & dared to be strong enough to not continue the cycle of dysfunction.

Although you may not feel all the benefits of that today, little by little I do believe that you will begin to enjoy the peace, serenity, sanity and safety of those choices ~

For me, lots of self-care on healthy, recovery oriented things helped me thru those days ~ I hope you can continue to do the same for you ~ and soon the ability to say "wait I really would care to not hear anything about ex BF if you don't mind please"

and then it won't be long - you will really meant it too ~

pink hugs ~

OhBoy

I am right there with you. For me, when I hear about STBXAW & her "acquaintances" I feel like I'm split down the middle between wanting to know all about it, wanting it to have horrible details/outcome and letting it go & minding my own business. I guess it's kind of like keeping a one foot in the past. I try to think about the future & it seems to take the pressure off.

iamthird

Im there too. You are not alone.