New to the forums
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
New to the forums
I finally decided to join these forums. My husband is an alcoholic. He was sober for a few months but I'm pretty sure he started drinking again. Hes been coming home with a slurred voice and stumbling and tells me I'm crazy and I need to stop accusing him when hes done nothing wrong. He makes me feel crazy. See I'm so alone with no one to turn to or talk to. I told a couple of close friends about the problem but I can tell for them its a great burden to carry and his family seems to make both his and my anxiety worse when I turn to them.
Anyway I just need some friends who understand the hell I'm going through. I hope as an online community you guys will accept me. I'm sick of the guilt and shame I always feel. Like I'm driving him to drink whenever I get upset. That I have no control over the situation and I'm at the mercy of his disease. The thing is I don't hate my husband but I hate how the disease possesses my husband and turns him into someone completely different.
Sorry this is turning into a pity party for myself. I wrote him a letter while he was sleeping tonight. It was really therapeutic and made me feel a little more in control of the situation. I'm going to schedule an appointment to talk to a psychologist too. I know I need someone to talk to.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Anyway I just need some friends who understand the hell I'm going through. I hope as an online community you guys will accept me. I'm sick of the guilt and shame I always feel. Like I'm driving him to drink whenever I get upset. That I have no control over the situation and I'm at the mercy of his disease. The thing is I don't hate my husband but I hate how the disease possesses my husband and turns him into someone completely different.
Sorry this is turning into a pity party for myself. I wrote him a letter while he was sleeping tonight. It was really therapeutic and made me feel a little more in control of the situation. I'm going to schedule an appointment to talk to a psychologist too. I know I need someone to talk to.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Hi banana!
You came to the right place. Of course we will accept you, we are all in your shoes, the user shoes or both as in my case. Everybody starts here in Newcomers, ad one of us can point you in the right direction. We have a great and caring group over in friends and families of alcoholics. Head on over there introduce yourself, and read all of the stickies at the top when you feel the need for some support without having to respond. The forum is here:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You might find that Alanon meetings in your area can really help. Being with others who have been in your shoes can really help. And they can tap you into the best local counselors and resources too. Not all psychologists are well trained for us.
Welcome again!
You came to the right place. Of course we will accept you, we are all in your shoes, the user shoes or both as in my case. Everybody starts here in Newcomers, ad one of us can point you in the right direction. We have a great and caring group over in friends and families of alcoholics. Head on over there introduce yourself, and read all of the stickies at the top when you feel the need for some support without having to respond. The forum is here:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
You might find that Alanon meetings in your area can really help. Being with others who have been in your shoes can really help. And they can tap you into the best local counselors and resources too. Not all psychologists are well trained for us.
Welcome again!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Oops!
Ok I missed the header, thought it was newcomers. But the rest still holds. I am a recovered alcoholic with an AW, who is in counseling for her anger issues and doing much better. I took care of me and my issues which let me let her own her own issues and not make them all mine too.
Ok I missed the header, thought it was newcomers. But the rest still holds. I am a recovered alcoholic with an AW, who is in counseling for her anger issues and doing much better. I took care of me and my issues which let me let her own her own issues and not make them all mine too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
This is the perfect place to receive understanding and compassion. Welcome and vent away! I know my xabf made me feel crazy..the situation still does at times, yet being on SR reminds me of the nature of alcoholism. I know from experience that it feels as though you are at the mercy of the disease..you really are not. Look for threads about setting boundries. Those ones helped immensely. You will find so much wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Welcome bananapancakes.
I think we all know the feeling of being called crazy and paranoid by an alcoholic. Mine used to blame me for his drinking at times (only when he was drunk), but could never tell me what it was I was doing to force the bottle to his lips. God knows, if he had an answer to that one I would have been overjoyed and stopped what I was doing immediately! Still, I felt guilty anyway. But that guilt has largely faded as I now know it didn't matter what I did, he was always going to drink anyway. Bad day - take a drink. Good day - take a drink. Special occasion - take a drink. Boring day - take a drink. Angry at GF - take a drink. Happy with GF - take a drink. It's beyond your control.
I'm not saying your husband has started drinking again, but even if he hasn't, the paranoia leaks over into your life when your partner quits, and after all the false promises you're not sure what to believe anymore. My partner quit over a month ago now, and I drove myself crazy at the start searching for bottles, sniffing glasses he'd been drinking out of, and kissing him deeply to try to taste it on him. I never did, but I started to realise how pathetic and unfair I was becoming when kisses became tests rather than expressions of love (though I'm pretty sure I was testing him OUT of love.... but anyway).
I hope you can find some support in these pages to try to let go of that useless guilt. In the meantime, you are allowed to have a pity party here.
I think we all know the feeling of being called crazy and paranoid by an alcoholic. Mine used to blame me for his drinking at times (only when he was drunk), but could never tell me what it was I was doing to force the bottle to his lips. God knows, if he had an answer to that one I would have been overjoyed and stopped what I was doing immediately! Still, I felt guilty anyway. But that guilt has largely faded as I now know it didn't matter what I did, he was always going to drink anyway. Bad day - take a drink. Good day - take a drink. Special occasion - take a drink. Boring day - take a drink. Angry at GF - take a drink. Happy with GF - take a drink. It's beyond your control.
I'm not saying your husband has started drinking again, but even if he hasn't, the paranoia leaks over into your life when your partner quits, and after all the false promises you're not sure what to believe anymore. My partner quit over a month ago now, and I drove myself crazy at the start searching for bottles, sniffing glasses he'd been drinking out of, and kissing him deeply to try to taste it on him. I never did, but I started to realise how pathetic and unfair I was becoming when kisses became tests rather than expressions of love (though I'm pretty sure I was testing him OUT of love.... but anyway).
I hope you can find some support in these pages to try to let go of that useless guilt. In the meantime, you are allowed to have a pity party here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Bananapancakes,
Welcome! You will find lots of support and information on this website. If you read the stickies at the top of the forum it is a great start in finding answers that will set you free from a lot of your anxiety and guilt.
You will learn that NONE of us were able to stop our loved ones from drinking nor were we responsible for their choosing to drink. That is completely on the A! You ... nor I... are simply not powerful enough to have any influence on drinking choices of others.
And ... being abstinent is just that. Not drinking for a short period does not solve the deep problems and issues of an alcoholic. Being abstinent is not "authentic recovery" and the best guage for this is what actions are being taken instead of words being said.
If he says "I am not drinking" but he acts like he is still drinking and you are affected in the same way as when you knew he was drinking then nothing has changed! The behavior is the same whether he is a white knuckling dry drunk, a sneak drinking, lying A or just a sober ass hat (Wring the alcohol out of an asshat and sometimes all you have left is sober asshat).
The best way to determine someone's resolve to do whatever it takes to become sober is to look at what they are doing to insure they do not drink. The best indicator of a dedicated person is what action they are taking... what help they are seeking. Is he going to AA everyday? Does he have sponsor. Is he pursuing personal and spiritual growth?
If not AA does he have another support program in place? If not... it is unlikely much will change. Anyone can stop drinking but it is the staying stopped drinking that most find extremely difficult without an outside support program.
None of this is your responsibility! It is his life, his choices and the best way to help him is to help you with your own recovery. So take care of you! Keep coming back... we understand and we do care.
Welcome! You will find lots of support and information on this website. If you read the stickies at the top of the forum it is a great start in finding answers that will set you free from a lot of your anxiety and guilt.
You will learn that NONE of us were able to stop our loved ones from drinking nor were we responsible for their choosing to drink. That is completely on the A! You ... nor I... are simply not powerful enough to have any influence on drinking choices of others.
And ... being abstinent is just that. Not drinking for a short period does not solve the deep problems and issues of an alcoholic. Being abstinent is not "authentic recovery" and the best guage for this is what actions are being taken instead of words being said.
If he says "I am not drinking" but he acts like he is still drinking and you are affected in the same way as when you knew he was drinking then nothing has changed! The behavior is the same whether he is a white knuckling dry drunk, a sneak drinking, lying A or just a sober ass hat (Wring the alcohol out of an asshat and sometimes all you have left is sober asshat).
The best way to determine someone's resolve to do whatever it takes to become sober is to look at what they are doing to insure they do not drink. The best indicator of a dedicated person is what action they are taking... what help they are seeking. Is he going to AA everyday? Does he have sponsor. Is he pursuing personal and spiritual growth?
If not AA does he have another support program in place? If not... it is unlikely much will change. Anyone can stop drinking but it is the staying stopped drinking that most find extremely difficult without an outside support program.
None of this is your responsibility! It is his life, his choices and the best way to help him is to help you with your own recovery. So take care of you! Keep coming back... we understand and we do care.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as often as needed. We understand. We are here to support you, and
You are not Crazy!
Some of our stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this main forum page. Those posts are called the Sticky posts.
One of my favorite stickies contains steps that helped me while living with an alcoholic. Here is a link to that sticky post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Please make yourself at home by reading, posting and venting as often as needed. We understand. We are here to support you, and
You are not Crazy!
Some of our stories are in the permanent posts at the top of this main forum page. Those posts are called the Sticky posts.
One of my favorite stickies contains steps that helped me while living with an alcoholic. Here is a link to that sticky post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm not saying your husband has started drinking again, but even if he hasn't, the paranoia leaks over into your life when your partner quits, and after all the false promises you're not sure what to believe anymore. My partner quit over a month ago now, and I drove myself crazy at the start searching for bottles, sniffing glasses he'd been drinking out of, and kissing him deeply to try to taste it on him. I never did, but I started to realise how pathetic and unfair I was becoming when kisses became tests rather than expressions of love
My AH was drinking on the sly for a long time. He denied it and I believed him -- why would he lie to me? (lol, sigh) -- until I saw him physically outside drinking with my own eyes and heard him deny it when I asked what he was doing. For a long time I felt crazy. I knew he had some disordered thinking about booze, but no idea that he was a full-blown, physically-addicted alcoholic. My denial was strong and my ignorance about addiction didn't help either.
The best way to determine someone's resolve to do whatever it takes to become sober is to look at what they are doing to insure they do not drink. The best indicator of a dedicated person is what action they are taking... what help they are seeking. Is he going to AA everyday? Does he have sponsor. Is he pursuing personal and spiritual growth?
If not AA does he have another support program in place? If not... it is unlikely much will change. Anyone can stop drinking but it is the staying stopped drinking that most find extremely difficult without an outside support program.
If not AA does he have another support program in place? If not... it is unlikely much will change. Anyone can stop drinking but it is the staying stopped drinking that most find extremely difficult without an outside support program.
I also have terrible anxiety and uncertainty gets me hopping.
I had to stop listening to what he was saying, and start looking at what he is doing. His promises meant nothing, his explanations, his armchair psychology, and his good intentions weren't enough to hang my hat on. He actually had to go to meetings. He actually had to get a sponsor and work the steps. He actually had to attend his counseling appointments and take his prescribed medication. THEN we could talk about what we were doing with ourselves. If not, there was nothing to say, and nowhere we could go together. At least, nowhere good.
Read everything you can about addiction, alcoholism, and how it affects the addict and their friends and family. Learn everything about it you're capable of learning. This will help you make educated decisions and give you a feeling of control over your decision-making. Hang out here and chat with us (in my experience, the folks on this board are very wise and extraordinarily helpful) and consider attending Al-Anon meetings in your area if they are available. All of us found that we needed significant support from people who have been through this to make sense of what was going on. Face to face is better, but if you can't find it at home, you can certainly find it here.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You are not alone. There is a great community of support on SR, and there is a great community of support at AlAnon. No judgement, blaming....only support.
My abf told me I was crazy as well, had me questioning my judgement. I learned over time to listen to my gut, it never steered me wrong. It's hard for friends to understand if they don't have addiciton in their life, because none of it will ever make sense to them. They mean well, but they don't get it. That's what is so great about AlAnon. People at those meetings get it! They get the "crazy" we feel, they get the confusion and the struggle we go through.
Remembering the 3 C's of addiction helps me. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. All you can do is learn to take care of you. Believe it or not, you can find peace even if the A is actively drinking.
I'm glad you found SR, welcome and post as often as you need. We're here.
My abf told me I was crazy as well, had me questioning my judgement. I learned over time to listen to my gut, it never steered me wrong. It's hard for friends to understand if they don't have addiciton in their life, because none of it will ever make sense to them. They mean well, but they don't get it. That's what is so great about AlAnon. People at those meetings get it! They get the "crazy" we feel, they get the confusion and the struggle we go through.
Remembering the 3 C's of addiction helps me. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. All you can do is learn to take care of you. Believe it or not, you can find peace even if the A is actively drinking.
I'm glad you found SR, welcome and post as often as you need. We're here.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by bananapancakes
He makes me feel crazy
I love your screen name. Are you a Jack Johnson fan?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 32
in terms of my name- haha I'm not really a huge Jack Johnson fan but it was the first thing I thought of last night.
Thanks everyone for the "action speaks louder than words" It really is true. My husband has gone to addiction meetings and has a sponsor but hes not consistent about going. He is consistent though about seeing a psychologist and taking prescribed anxiety medication. I talked to him this morning and he still swears hes been sober for months. He explained last night as his brain just "shuts down" when he is feeling anxious (which is why he starts losing coordination, etc). Has anyone else heard of anything like that? He wrote to his psychologist about the episode.
Hes used to smoke pot to help with his anxiety (and as a crutch to stop drinking) but he stopped doing that a few weeks ago to try to be truly sober. Its been quite a long rocky process for both of us.
Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. They really do help me and I feel a little less crazy. I definitely still have trust issues from when he used to drink and hide it.
Thanks everyone for the "action speaks louder than words" It really is true. My husband has gone to addiction meetings and has a sponsor but hes not consistent about going. He is consistent though about seeing a psychologist and taking prescribed anxiety medication. I talked to him this morning and he still swears hes been sober for months. He explained last night as his brain just "shuts down" when he is feeling anxious (which is why he starts losing coordination, etc). Has anyone else heard of anything like that? He wrote to his psychologist about the episode.
Hes used to smoke pot to help with his anxiety (and as a crutch to stop drinking) but he stopped doing that a few weeks ago to try to be truly sober. Its been quite a long rocky process for both of us.
Thanks everyone for the encouraging words. They really do help me and I feel a little less crazy. I definitely still have trust issues from when he used to drink and hide it.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
