Romanticizing the past, anyone?
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Location: Hillsborough, NJ
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Romanticizing the past, anyone?
Gosh, that's been me lately....here's what I did to snap out of it...
Hope this will help many of the members out there who have recently decided to go N.C. with an romantic partner....
Ok...here is goes...
#1 I am in charge of my self-esteem..
#2 If someone treats me poorly, it's a reflection on them,not me...
#3 Ok, so you had some good times with (insert his or her name here) but let us not forget the following:
Birthday present-Oh, yes....that's right, I don't recall receiving one, or a card for that matter. Unacceptable.
There was a particular weekend that I was going through something really difficult and he was too busy drinking with this "troll" of a drinking buddy who he insisted was "just a friend...." Give me a BREAK!!!
Oh, the second hand smoke was delightful to deal with also...I just LOVED that...NOT!!!
The mood swings were a plus....I sure did enjoy feeling on edge thinking I did something to provoke his sudden disinterest in me....
Sex? GRRRREAT in the beginning...
Towards the end? It was a joke, at best.....
This (by the way) was another thing I was "passively" blammed for....
Let's see what else....oh, dating someone who's out of touch with reality is a real joy, let me tell you....
Stay around someone like this long enough and you'll start believing too....
Not only did I stand up to him and in some ways for him, more importantly I stood up for myself!
All these guys are unfortunately "too far gone" to even begin to realize what they threw away...
Does it hurt more on "our side" of the fence?
Actually, it probably does....
However, this is not due to weakness, it's actually quite the opposite....
If "he" or "she" hasn't felt it yet, it's only because they are too busy stuffing their feelings down with the bottle and/or with someone else....
I don't know about anyone else, but for me...
If all I was to him was a means to take his pain away, then THANK GOD almighty I am not that to him any longer....
I deserve someone who is going to give me as much or more than I give them...
Settling for the crumbs that all these guys have thrown my way all these years is no longer good enough for me....
In fact, it never was...
Only, now I KNOW it!!!!
Sure, "he" may be with someone else, but trust me, she's not you....
Chances are his illness has progressed, which means his choices in who he associates with will likely follow suit....
After I ackowledged all of this "stuff" that's been on my mind as it relates to my own life and (perhaps?) some lives of the people on SR, I asked God for the following:
Please help me release all my resentments around this person....
The only person it's hurting now is me....
I must be reminded that while I am rightfully hurt and disappointed by the outcome of the situation, he's not necessarily better off....
He has an illness that impairs his choices...
For this reason, I choose forgiveness...
When I orginally wrote this, it was New Year's Eve....
I continued by saying: New Year's Eve is coming and it scares me....
Yet, I know I can do nothing about him or anyone else for that matter who decides to drink too much and get behind the wheel.....
God, (and I say this in a caring way....)
Let this be the night he gets caught....
It may be the "cure" that he needs....
Amen.
ahhhh....Seeing things how they really are and not how I want them to be has been a HUGE part of my recovery.....
Anyway...I hope my experience, strength, and hope has helped someone out there!
Hope this will help many of the members out there who have recently decided to go N.C. with an romantic partner....
Ok...here is goes...
#1 I am in charge of my self-esteem..
#2 If someone treats me poorly, it's a reflection on them,not me...
#3 Ok, so you had some good times with (insert his or her name here) but let us not forget the following:
Birthday present-Oh, yes....that's right, I don't recall receiving one, or a card for that matter. Unacceptable.
There was a particular weekend that I was going through something really difficult and he was too busy drinking with this "troll" of a drinking buddy who he insisted was "just a friend...." Give me a BREAK!!!
Oh, the second hand smoke was delightful to deal with also...I just LOVED that...NOT!!!
The mood swings were a plus....I sure did enjoy feeling on edge thinking I did something to provoke his sudden disinterest in me....
Sex? GRRRREAT in the beginning...
Towards the end? It was a joke, at best.....
This (by the way) was another thing I was "passively" blammed for....
Let's see what else....oh, dating someone who's out of touch with reality is a real joy, let me tell you....
Stay around someone like this long enough and you'll start believing too....
Not only did I stand up to him and in some ways for him, more importantly I stood up for myself!
All these guys are unfortunately "too far gone" to even begin to realize what they threw away...
Does it hurt more on "our side" of the fence?
Actually, it probably does....
However, this is not due to weakness, it's actually quite the opposite....
If "he" or "she" hasn't felt it yet, it's only because they are too busy stuffing their feelings down with the bottle and/or with someone else....
I don't know about anyone else, but for me...
If all I was to him was a means to take his pain away, then THANK GOD almighty I am not that to him any longer....
I deserve someone who is going to give me as much or more than I give them...
Settling for the crumbs that all these guys have thrown my way all these years is no longer good enough for me....
In fact, it never was...
Only, now I KNOW it!!!!
Sure, "he" may be with someone else, but trust me, she's not you....
Chances are his illness has progressed, which means his choices in who he associates with will likely follow suit....
After I ackowledged all of this "stuff" that's been on my mind as it relates to my own life and (perhaps?) some lives of the people on SR, I asked God for the following:
Please help me release all my resentments around this person....
The only person it's hurting now is me....
I must be reminded that while I am rightfully hurt and disappointed by the outcome of the situation, he's not necessarily better off....
He has an illness that impairs his choices...
For this reason, I choose forgiveness...
When I orginally wrote this, it was New Year's Eve....
I continued by saying: New Year's Eve is coming and it scares me....
Yet, I know I can do nothing about him or anyone else for that matter who decides to drink too much and get behind the wheel.....
God, (and I say this in a caring way....)
Let this be the night he gets caught....
It may be the "cure" that he needs....
Amen.
ahhhh....Seeing things how they really are and not how I want them to be has been a HUGE part of my recovery.....
Anyway...I hope my experience, strength, and hope has helped someone out there!
Last edited by Diva76; 01-02-2013 at 02:26 PM. Reason: I spotted a typo...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
That was awesome, i so needed to read that today, after I contacted him for no reason and of course got no response...thank you!
(((Broken Rose)))
You are welcome, my friend!
I went through the same thing....
I know how hard it is not to take it personally (especially when it's happening to you)
In the beginning, I had to work really hard on that and sometimes I still do, which is why I started this thread....
(((Broken Rose)))
You are welcome, my friend!
I went through the same thing....
I know how hard it is not to take it personally (especially when it's happening to you)
In the beginning, I had to work really hard on that and sometimes I still do, which is why I started this thread....
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
*sigh*
Lmao on the drinking buddy troll comment - I was dealing with that too and it drove me nuts.
Second hand smoke? Mood swings?? ditto. Glad it's all gone.
Let's hope for a release to all our resentments for the New Year!
Lmao on the drinking buddy troll comment - I was dealing with that too and it drove me nuts.
Second hand smoke? Mood swings?? ditto. Glad it's all gone.
Let's hope for a release to all our resentments for the New Year!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
'If "he" or "she" hasn't felt it yet, it's only because they are too busy stuffing their feelings down with the bottle and/or with someone else.... (dIVA76)
^^^^^ This is so very true^^^^. The inability of an addict to process the hurt and pain that they leave us to deal with......
"He has an illness that impairs his choices...
For this reason, I choose forgiveness... (Diva76)
^^^ very well said^^^^
Thanks for this post, it helps keep my feet planted firmly on the ground.
^^^^^ This is so very true^^^^. The inability of an addict to process the hurt and pain that they leave us to deal with......
"He has an illness that impairs his choices...
For this reason, I choose forgiveness... (Diva76)
^^^ very well said^^^^
Thanks for this post, it helps keep my feet planted firmly on the ground.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
Aaahgghhhh.... No birthday present for me this year 
no Christmas present this year either.... And, um..... No Christmas present last year either... "i will save it for when u get back from visiting ur family" was a favorite recurring excuse..
I was just fantasizing about our good times together when I logged on and read this.... Thanks diva!!! Its only been 10 days for me, but I already feel so much better... Though I must admit I am still "bracing for impact".... He has not contacted me ONCE!!! And something tells me this is too good to be true....
Sure, it might sound stupid, but I have even wondered if he might be considering recovery... But then I stop kidding myself and remind myself he is probably just busy out drinking...
Whatever!! Either way, time will tell and I will move on....
Mood swings, ditto.... Sex, every time less common and more systematic, though I will confess he always focused on me and was never trying to finish first.... But he never initiated it in the last few months
I have dated females in the past and was considering trying that out again!! How fun would it be when he found out?? Hahahahahhahaa!!! Eeeeevvvviiiillll and funnnn!!! Hurt some male egoooooooo!!!! Lol....
Have urselves a wonderful night!!! Hang in there and do not have a slip
you do not need him/her while he/she is sick.... They are a liability at best...
no Christmas present this year either.... And, um..... No Christmas present last year either... "i will save it for when u get back from visiting ur family" was a favorite recurring excuse..I was just fantasizing about our good times together when I logged on and read this.... Thanks diva!!! Its only been 10 days for me, but I already feel so much better... Though I must admit I am still "bracing for impact".... He has not contacted me ONCE!!! And something tells me this is too good to be true....
Sure, it might sound stupid, but I have even wondered if he might be considering recovery... But then I stop kidding myself and remind myself he is probably just busy out drinking...
Whatever!! Either way, time will tell and I will move on....
Mood swings, ditto.... Sex, every time less common and more systematic, though I will confess he always focused on me and was never trying to finish first.... But he never initiated it in the last few months
I have dated females in the past and was considering trying that out again!! How fun would it be when he found out?? Hahahahahhahaa!!! Eeeeevvvviiiillll and funnnn!!! Hurt some male egoooooooo!!!! Lol....
Have urselves a wonderful night!!! Hang in there and do not have a slip
you do not need him/her while he/she is sick.... They are a liability at best...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Hello everyone....
Wow! I am so glad, I was able to help, but more importantly, each and everyone of you has helped me too...
As far as the situation I was writing about, I am over the relationship, but am still processing how it has affected me....
Based on some of the responses, it seems like I was describing typical alcoholic behaviors....
For months, I was convinced that I just "didn't do it for him anymore...."
Of course, I didn't...
And that would be because, I wasn't willing to be one of the participants in a relationship where there was an active addiction going on....
Which in my humble opinion, is the healthier choice!
As the saying goes, Reality BITES, but if we don't choose to face it head on by taking care of ourselves and making choices that are in our own best interests, then we're no better than the addict who continues to be in denial.....
Sending loving thoughts to each and every one of you....
Linda
Wow! I am so glad, I was able to help, but more importantly, each and everyone of you has helped me too...
As far as the situation I was writing about, I am over the relationship, but am still processing how it has affected me....
Based on some of the responses, it seems like I was describing typical alcoholic behaviors....
For months, I was convinced that I just "didn't do it for him anymore...."
Of course, I didn't...
And that would be because, I wasn't willing to be one of the participants in a relationship where there was an active addiction going on....
Which in my humble opinion, is the healthier choice!
As the saying goes, Reality BITES, but if we don't choose to face it head on by taking care of ourselves and making choices that are in our own best interests, then we're no better than the addict who continues to be in denial.....
Sending loving thoughts to each and every one of you....
Linda
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 14
Diva, thank you so much for this post! Needed very badly to hear these things.
XABF has already moved on with other women and you're very right...those women are not me.
I have also been romanticizing the past, especially on New Year's Eve, but realized for every nice memory we had together, there were about 5 bad ones that cancel it out...so it's not as rosy as it appeared.
XABF has already moved on with other women and you're very right...those women are not me.
I have also been romanticizing the past, especially on New Year's Eve, but realized for every nice memory we had together, there were about 5 bad ones that cancel it out...so it's not as rosy as it appeared.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Thank you so much for starting this thread The holidays triggered my fantasizing again about my EXRAB. If he were still actively using/drinking it would be much easier to let go of this fantasizing I do but because he's sober and in the program I keep thinking "we'll maybe he's different now, better now, more lovable, selfless, etc..."
I'm using what helped you by recalling all of the heartbreak but my brain keep redirecting back to what if he's much better now?
Any suggestions would be very appreciated
I'm using what helped you by recalling all of the heartbreak but my brain keep redirecting back to what if he's much better now?
Any suggestions would be very appreciated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Question:So how. Long have you been
Single again?
Answer: I've been single since September of 2011...
I dated a lot over the summer, but haven't really met anybody worth my time....
Question: Have you actively look for some one
New to give you what you desire?
Or aleast focus some of your attention
in this direction?
Answer: At the moment, I'm not actively looking....I'm less than a year away from becoming a certified teacher, so I don't want to risk that for any potential relationship drama.....
Comment: I mean.. I started dating again.
That's when I was over 40 too.
Scary...yes it was.
Getting out of my comfortzone
And all....
Plenty of young hot babes half
my age...I sure know how to
Attract them.
Some were really nice.
Others ...well just wanted to
have fun....
My reply: Ummm...I'm not over 40 yet! (lol!!!) I'll be 37 in March....
May I ask why it was "out of your comfort zone" to date someone half your age?
Seems quite comfortable to me actually....(Meaning, you already know going into a situation like that is not likely to be a long term thing...) Yes, there are exceptions, but I think you know what I'm trying to say here!
Comment: I felt a little bit rediculous dating
Women half my age ...but hey
it wasn't. As waked living with
my exagf....
My reply: I can certainly understand the comparison!
Comment:Moving forward with my life.
My reply:Good for you! So am I!!!!
Comment:The journey had to begin somewhere.
I definitely wasn't. Walking eggshells.
My reply: I don't miss walking on eggshells either....
Comment:Stopped wondering or worrying
About my ex...after the third
Or forth women. It takes
whatever it takes...
I learn how to say .." oh hell no"
To some of those women I dated.
My reply: Isn't it amazing what we thought was a "healthy" relationship PRIOR to recovery.....When I look back on what I thought was "love" makes me want to cringe now.....
Comment:That's. Progress for aka..
Mr. Yes man.lmao
My reply: Good for you! I'm glad you're making progress...woo-hoo!!!!
Single again?
Answer: I've been single since September of 2011...
I dated a lot over the summer, but haven't really met anybody worth my time....
Question: Have you actively look for some one
New to give you what you desire?
Or aleast focus some of your attention
in this direction?
Answer: At the moment, I'm not actively looking....I'm less than a year away from becoming a certified teacher, so I don't want to risk that for any potential relationship drama.....
Comment: I mean.. I started dating again.
That's when I was over 40 too.
Scary...yes it was.
Getting out of my comfortzone
And all....
Plenty of young hot babes half
my age...I sure know how to
Attract them.
Some were really nice.
Others ...well just wanted to
have fun....
My reply: Ummm...I'm not over 40 yet! (lol!!!) I'll be 37 in March....
May I ask why it was "out of your comfort zone" to date someone half your age?
Seems quite comfortable to me actually....(Meaning, you already know going into a situation like that is not likely to be a long term thing...) Yes, there are exceptions, but I think you know what I'm trying to say here!
Comment: I felt a little bit rediculous dating
Women half my age ...but hey
it wasn't. As waked living with
my exagf....
My reply: I can certainly understand the comparison!
Comment:Moving forward with my life.
My reply:Good for you! So am I!!!!
Comment:The journey had to begin somewhere.
I definitely wasn't. Walking eggshells.
My reply: I don't miss walking on eggshells either....
Comment:Stopped wondering or worrying
About my ex...after the third
Or forth women. It takes
whatever it takes...
I learn how to say .." oh hell no"
To some of those women I dated.
My reply: Isn't it amazing what we thought was a "healthy" relationship PRIOR to recovery.....When I look back on what I thought was "love" makes me want to cringe now.....
Comment:That's. Progress for aka..
Mr. Yes man.lmao
My reply: Good for you! I'm glad you're making progress...woo-hoo!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by FindingJoy 
Thank you so much for starting this thread The holidays triggered my fantasizing again about my EXRAB. If he were still actively using/drinking it would be much easier to let go of this fantasizing I do but because he's sober and in the program I keep thinking "we'll maybe he's different now, better now, more lovable, selfless, etc..."
I'm using what helped you by recalling all of the heartbreak but my brain keep redirecting back to what if he's much better now?
Any suggestions would be very appreciated
I'm using what helped you by recalling all of the heartbreak but my brain keep redirecting back to what if he's much better now?
Any suggestions would be very appreciated
Hello Finding Joy....
Awww....I bet I would feel triggered too, if my former partner went into recovery....(Especially, if the break-up was more recent....)
Did he go into recovery recently?
When did the two of you break up?
The early stages of recovery is a really delicate time for an addict...
Based on what I have learned, many addicts feel a lot of remorse for how they behaved while under the influence....
It's quite possible he is facing his feelings for the very first time in years.....and now that he's no longer numbing them with alcohol, he is likely feeling very vulnerable....
When I first began my healing process, it was suggested that I keep the focus on myself....
I'm not suggesting that you ignore your feelings about the situation, but at the same time, focusing on what he's doing or not doing means your forgetting about the other very important person in the matter, and that my friend is you!
Before recovery, I was so fixated on what a mess HIS life was, I failed to realize that my own life wasn't exactly going too well either.....
Please, whatever you do, do not base your self-worth on how he treated you....
I know this is easier said than done....but believe me, his compulsion to drink has nothing to do with you at all.....
Feel free to reach out anytime you need the extra support.....
When I first broke up with the guy who had a crush on me in middle school, (yes, I wrote ALL about it in my original posts) it was the people in the chat rooms, often very late at night, who helped me gain perspective on things....
Now that I am in a much better place, I would like to help others achieve the same peace of mind as I have....
At the moment, this all may seem impossible, but remember, these feelings you are currently experiencing will eventually pass....
Sending ((hugs)) your way!
Linda
Last edited by Diva76; 01-02-2013 at 09:34 PM. Reason: Apparently, I can't spell today...agh!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
"It would be a heck of a role playing switch
If people start fixing me...instead of me
fixing other people.lol"
I wish you were here to see how much that made me laugh just now!!!
Don't "they" say that laughter is a sign of healing??
I'm glad "it's all good" for you now, and that you're in a heathier place
If people start fixing me...instead of me
fixing other people.lol"
I wish you were here to see how much that made me laugh just now!!!
Don't "they" say that laughter is a sign of healing??
I'm glad "it's all good" for you now, and that you're in a heathier place
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
(Diva76) thanks for your reply. We were together for two years, I thought he was the man I was going to marry. I went NC in March of this year and then allowed my self to get pulled back in this October. I had just my toe in the water but for a Codie that's dangerous water.
He's been sober a year, worked all the steps and goes to about 5 meetings a week. Some of his behaviors are noticeably better but he is still very selfish, impatient, short tempered, and gets frustrated when I'm triggered or hurt about the past (recent past). He was actually more if an A-hole once sober.
I recently started to give him a little trust and about 8 out of 10 times he craps on it. I'm having a difficult time accepting that the alcohol and pils didn't make him selfish, mean, short, etc.... Perhaps that's part if his personality.
He knows and I know that behavior is unacceptable BUT THEN I start my fantasizing again like maybe I should give him more time I'm 35 and haven't met anyone else I connect to like him.
Or this one " first year of recovery is hard maybe he will be X Y and Z after a little more time.
I thought I had shakes him lose from my brain and heart.....it would be so much easier for me if he was using.
The truth is I feel his love about 60% of the time now and the rest sucks.
More words of wisdom pretty please.
BIG HUG back to you
He's been sober a year, worked all the steps and goes to about 5 meetings a week. Some of his behaviors are noticeably better but he is still very selfish, impatient, short tempered, and gets frustrated when I'm triggered or hurt about the past (recent past). He was actually more if an A-hole once sober.
I recently started to give him a little trust and about 8 out of 10 times he craps on it. I'm having a difficult time accepting that the alcohol and pils didn't make him selfish, mean, short, etc.... Perhaps that's part if his personality.
He knows and I know that behavior is unacceptable BUT THEN I start my fantasizing again like maybe I should give him more time I'm 35 and haven't met anyone else I connect to like him.
Or this one " first year of recovery is hard maybe he will be X Y and Z after a little more time.
I thought I had shakes him lose from my brain and heart.....it would be so much easier for me if he was using.
The truth is I feel his love about 60% of the time now and the rest sucks.
More words of wisdom pretty please.
BIG HUG back to you
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
I think it's natural around the holidays to "romanticize the past". I know that I have been personally wobbling in terms of NC with the X. I sometimes drift into the fantasy that he'll have an epiphany (at 62, with a 40 year drinking history) and realize that he and I could have a wonderful, sober, peaceful life together.
Then I wake up. In reality, I get texts (from the man who always HATED texting) proclaiming how I am the only one, and he'll never give up. When we do have some limited contact, it's mostly the same BS; I'll call you later....Um, does that mean later today, or this decade? Maybe we'll get together soon and do something......Am I supposed to be chasing him to set this up (a prior flaw of mine)?
It is playing with fire for me, but ultimately may be helpful for me to see exactly how his words and actions just don't line up.
I think that if I want to have a romantic interlude, I'll watch "Love Actually".
Good luck to all.
Then I wake up. In reality, I get texts (from the man who always HATED texting) proclaiming how I am the only one, and he'll never give up. When we do have some limited contact, it's mostly the same BS; I'll call you later....Um, does that mean later today, or this decade? Maybe we'll get together soon and do something......Am I supposed to be chasing him to set this up (a prior flaw of mine)?
It is playing with fire for me, but ultimately may be helpful for me to see exactly how his words and actions just don't line up.
I think that if I want to have a romantic interlude, I'll watch "Love Actually".
Good luck to all.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
I just remember a saying I learned on here, "just wait a little a more will be revealed."
Every time I turn over my anxious lack of patience over to God/Universe more is revealed each and every time. It's whether or not I make an excuse or try to deny the information revealed to me. Latey the info revealed has come in such a painful way so I can't deny it. In a way I'm thankful for this but damn reality can really suck and hurt sometimes.
Truth with my EXRAB is that even without the pills/alcohol he is still addicted to many other things food, shopping, and probably me!
He is in a ton of pain and lashes out on the closest person to him...me.
I need to stay strong for my self and not allow this tornado of a man to communicate with me even if he's discuised as a rainbow. Truth is each and every time in the past that rainbow turned into a violent storm ripping through my heart, life, house, etc... So to believe he's going to stay a rainbow THIS TIME is insanity and making my life unmanageable.
So thankful for this forum.
Every time I turn over my anxious lack of patience over to God/Universe more is revealed each and every time. It's whether or not I make an excuse or try to deny the information revealed to me. Latey the info revealed has come in such a painful way so I can't deny it. In a way I'm thankful for this but damn reality can really suck and hurt sometimes.
Truth with my EXRAB is that even without the pills/alcohol he is still addicted to many other things food, shopping, and probably me!
He is in a ton of pain and lashes out on the closest person to him...me.
I need to stay strong for my self and not allow this tornado of a man to communicate with me even if he's discuised as a rainbow. Truth is each and every time in the past that rainbow turned into a violent storm ripping through my heart, life, house, etc... So to believe he's going to stay a rainbow THIS TIME is insanity and making my life unmanageable.
So thankful for this forum.
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