How else am I suppose to show support??
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
How else am I suppose to show support??
So my husband that has been sober for 9 months continues with is cruel streak of being critical of every aspect of me. And since I have found the support of this website, I am better prepared when he tries to pick fights with me. But he knows how to get my jugular vein...like by calling me fat (tonight he said he has never seen anyone whose belly sticks out so far...FYI.. I am a size 10) or saying mean things about my miscarriage and my hopes to have second child one day (he said everyone at his AA meeting were laughing at me because that morning I talked about "maybe one day" having a sibling for our daughter and then later told my husband, after a cruel streak, that I thought we should separate. I guess am not allowed to dream that our family may get back on track) Even though I know he is telling lies to hurt me, they fact he feels the need to attack me hurts even more.
Tonight his big claim is that I don't do anything to "support him".
1) I pulled my petition for divorce when he promised to get sober in order to support him, our marriage and our family
2) I met with a woman from AA that he organized because he wanted me to "understand" AA. She said I could reach out to her anytime, but when I did, I got and not so good vibe and later learned my husband had told her not to talk with me anymore. (I don't think he wants her to hear the "real" story from me of what goes in our home and his cruelty.)
3) We went to therapy and it wasn't a right fit, so we switched to an addiction therapist who is 20+ year sober so he understands. This therapist is awesome and doesn't let my husband get away with lame excuses. But now My husband has refused to go back for 2 months. I have scheduled my own appointment alone even though I feel we both need to go for it to be affective.
4)I have spoken to people and AA (including his father) and people from Al Anon that I was put in contact with to try to understand.
5) I have bought 3 different books and have done a ton of online research
6) I have joined this website. Which he has said that he won't listen to anything I say about it because it is not strictly Al Anon and may not follow the 12 steps.
7) I have made MULTIPLE changes in my family, personal and social life so not to "rock" his boat.
I have not gone to an Al Anon meeting, but that is because the local one is a building that I am affiliated with for work and I really want to keep my personal and professional life separate. Tonight I found another meeting 30 min away, but that will take some planning since I am a single mom most week days while he travels for work.
So...what am I missing? Is there a form of support I am not trying? I have to say the "loving support" has been tough because he is so cruel at times that it is hard to be loving and affectionate to someone that just tore me apart. But I have been trying to at least kiss him hello and goodbye. I use to leave nice cards in his suitcase, but I am struggling even doing that now. I am just worn down down down. Any suggestions would be helpful....I am really at wits end.
Meanwhile, it is another night sleeping in the spare room because I am still feeling too hurt by his comments today to want to be near him.
Tonight his big claim is that I don't do anything to "support him".
1) I pulled my petition for divorce when he promised to get sober in order to support him, our marriage and our family
2) I met with a woman from AA that he organized because he wanted me to "understand" AA. She said I could reach out to her anytime, but when I did, I got and not so good vibe and later learned my husband had told her not to talk with me anymore. (I don't think he wants her to hear the "real" story from me of what goes in our home and his cruelty.)
3) We went to therapy and it wasn't a right fit, so we switched to an addiction therapist who is 20+ year sober so he understands. This therapist is awesome and doesn't let my husband get away with lame excuses. But now My husband has refused to go back for 2 months. I have scheduled my own appointment alone even though I feel we both need to go for it to be affective.
4)I have spoken to people and AA (including his father) and people from Al Anon that I was put in contact with to try to understand.
5) I have bought 3 different books and have done a ton of online research
6) I have joined this website. Which he has said that he won't listen to anything I say about it because it is not strictly Al Anon and may not follow the 12 steps.
7) I have made MULTIPLE changes in my family, personal and social life so not to "rock" his boat.
I have not gone to an Al Anon meeting, but that is because the local one is a building that I am affiliated with for work and I really want to keep my personal and professional life separate. Tonight I found another meeting 30 min away, but that will take some planning since I am a single mom most week days while he travels for work.
So...what am I missing? Is there a form of support I am not trying? I have to say the "loving support" has been tough because he is so cruel at times that it is hard to be loving and affectionate to someone that just tore me apart. But I have been trying to at least kiss him hello and goodbye. I use to leave nice cards in his suitcase, but I am struggling even doing that now. I am just worn down down down. Any suggestions would be helpful....I am really at wits end.
Meanwhile, it is another night sleeping in the spare room because I am still feeling too hurt by his comments today to want to be near him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Wow, you must be exhausted! May I ask, what do you do that is just for you? How do you take care of yourself? Do you get any time to yourself? I hope so. It sounds like you do so much in an effort to support him, I have to wonder who is taking care of you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Funny you should ask what I do for myself....since that is another one of his latest jabs....that all I ever talk about is "Me Me Me" time. There is very little time I can spend on my own guilt free. Our daughter is almost 2 and I have only been away from her 1 night (about 6 weeks ago) and he is still throwing it my face. I am going on a free trip I earned through work for 4 nights in March and he is already trying to make me feel guilty about it. (meanwhile he was away for work 120-130 nights last year) I work full time too. Our therapist even said I need more "me" time, but he seems to have blocked that out.
I am VERY lucky that I have a very supportive family that do their best to help me. But my parent's are 3 hours away. And my sister that is local travels for work a lot.
I am VERY lucky that I have a very supportive family that do their best to help me. But my parent's are 3 hours away. And my sister that is local travels for work a lot.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I read your other post and I want to say Laurie's reply was right on when she shared that sometimes when a drunk asshat gets sober, all you have is a sober asshat.
His words are a form of abuse. Verbal abuse. You deserve better.
If you feel like you are done, then you are done.
This is your one precious life, and you have the right to decide how you will spend it.
When I finally realized my happiness was important and my life mattered too, I also realized I wanted better for my children.
I left because I no longer wanted to model unhealthy behavior to my children.
I did not want my son to grow up and treat women the way my husband treated me.
I also did not want my daughter growing up and accepting the unacceptable behavior I was accepting.
I wanted better for them and myself.
Keep coming back. We care about you!
I read your other post and I want to say Laurie's reply was right on when she shared that sometimes when a drunk asshat gets sober, all you have is a sober asshat.
His words are a form of abuse. Verbal abuse. You deserve better.
If you feel like you are done, then you are done.
This is your one precious life, and you have the right to decide how you will spend it.
When I finally realized my happiness was important and my life mattered too, I also realized I wanted better for my children.
I left because I no longer wanted to model unhealthy behavior to my children.
I did not want my son to grow up and treat women the way my husband treated me.
I also did not want my daughter growing up and accepting the unacceptable behavior I was accepting.
I wanted better for them and myself.
Keep coming back. We care about you!
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm so very sorry to hear about all the abuse you are receiving! Because that's what this is, abuse. I think you know rationally that his criticisms are not based in fact. No one deserves to be spoken to in the way he is speaking to you.
I don't think it has anything to do with his alcoholicsm.
I don't think it has anything to do with your support or lack of support.
I hope you can get to an Al-Anon meeting soon. If you are not comfortable with that, perhaps individual couneling would work better.
I'm sorry you are having to endure this! Many hugs, HG
I don't think it has anything to do with his alcoholicsm.
I don't think it has anything to do with your support or lack of support.
I hope you can get to an Al-Anon meeting soon. If you are not comfortable with that, perhaps individual couneling would work better.
I'm sorry you are having to endure this! Many hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Wow, reading what he has said, all I can think of is "what a jerk!"
What are you missing? Well, here's my take on that, for what its worth, having just ended a marriage that went along the same lines as yours. He's mad as heck at you for coming between him and his addiction. He probably wasn't ready to stop drinking, and is doing this for you, and is totally resentful because of it. He can't acknowledge this to you, may not even be consciously aware of it, so it all comes out sideways as constant criticism. He feels like a loser, that you are somehow "one-upping" him by not being an addict, so he finds these areas where he can take the knife and give it a few extra twists. It's all rooted in shame and low self-esteem.
People don't talk to each other like that who are happy and like each other; have high levels of respect and consideration for each other.
Soooo, what can you do about it? I really view it as two choices, from my own experiences. You can either leave this marriage (even just temporarily...just to step aside and have some space to breath and think clearly) and insist he get back into counseling and insist this behavior be dealt with right away, or you can simply develop a very thick skin, stay away when he even hints at being mean, and understand its part of the nature of addictions, and in a few years, this may go away, as he grows more confident in sobriety. Be very forgiving and don't take this crap personally.
My AA and Al-Anon friends all recommended three years sober before some real personality changes would happen. I made it about 18 months before I just lost it, and we weren't even living together anymore. I have an email where I said "I can't tolerate the constant barrage of criticism anymore" and his response was along the lines of "it's all made up in your head". *SIGH* I think some guys weren't built for intimacy with women, and I married one of those guys!
It remains to be seen if yours is like this, or just plain old mad because he can't drink like "normal people". Regardless, continue seeking support for you, because this kind of abuse really wears down our own self esteem and can make us physically sick if we let it.
A good book I read a few months ago is "Women Who Love Too Much". It helped me to identify my own dysfunction, so maybe next time around for me, I can find a man who doesn't feel compelled to pick on me to make himself feel better.
Peace,
~T
What are you missing? Well, here's my take on that, for what its worth, having just ended a marriage that went along the same lines as yours. He's mad as heck at you for coming between him and his addiction. He probably wasn't ready to stop drinking, and is doing this for you, and is totally resentful because of it. He can't acknowledge this to you, may not even be consciously aware of it, so it all comes out sideways as constant criticism. He feels like a loser, that you are somehow "one-upping" him by not being an addict, so he finds these areas where he can take the knife and give it a few extra twists. It's all rooted in shame and low self-esteem.
People don't talk to each other like that who are happy and like each other; have high levels of respect and consideration for each other.
Soooo, what can you do about it? I really view it as two choices, from my own experiences. You can either leave this marriage (even just temporarily...just to step aside and have some space to breath and think clearly) and insist he get back into counseling and insist this behavior be dealt with right away, or you can simply develop a very thick skin, stay away when he even hints at being mean, and understand its part of the nature of addictions, and in a few years, this may go away, as he grows more confident in sobriety. Be very forgiving and don't take this crap personally.
My AA and Al-Anon friends all recommended three years sober before some real personality changes would happen. I made it about 18 months before I just lost it, and we weren't even living together anymore. I have an email where I said "I can't tolerate the constant barrage of criticism anymore" and his response was along the lines of "it's all made up in your head". *SIGH* I think some guys weren't built for intimacy with women, and I married one of those guys!
It remains to be seen if yours is like this, or just plain old mad because he can't drink like "normal people". Regardless, continue seeking support for you, because this kind of abuse really wears down our own self esteem and can make us physically sick if we let it.
A good book I read a few months ago is "Women Who Love Too Much". It helped me to identify my own dysfunction, so maybe next time around for me, I can find a man who doesn't feel compelled to pick on me to make himself feel better.
Peace,
~T
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Why are you posing this as a question?
You know his demands are unreasonable. You know that you have done all you can. I suspect that you are posing this in a "poor me" question form to get sympathy and to avoid taking action.
Why not just say what you think about his behavior in a direct way, rather than manipulating everyone else to condemn him. Why don't YOU answer the question that you pose. I have a feeling that if you let yourself communicate directly and take responsibility for your own opinions, it could be the first step toward a better future for yourself and your daughter.
You know his demands are unreasonable. You know that you have done all you can. I suspect that you are posing this in a "poor me" question form to get sympathy and to avoid taking action.
Why not just say what you think about his behavior in a direct way, rather than manipulating everyone else to condemn him. Why don't YOU answer the question that you pose. I have a feeling that if you let yourself communicate directly and take responsibility for your own opinions, it could be the first step toward a better future for yourself and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
AYP101, there's probably not any one thing you can do. We try everything, usually with mixed or poor results. The problem is that we can't convince or coerce anyone into sobriety, happiness, or recovery.
Whenever I had a peaceful moment to myself, I asked myself, "Can I live like this? Forever?" The answer was usually no.
Long term care with a counselor really helped me figure this out.
Whenever I had a peaceful moment to myself, I asked myself, "Can I live like this? Forever?" The answer was usually no.
Long term care with a counselor really helped me figure this out.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
AYP101, it is not your job to support his recovery. That's his job. If you were to die tomorrow would that mean it would be impossible for him to recover? I don't think so. I heard a lot of that your not supporting me from my wife as if it was my responsibility. Sorry but at that time I wasn't do a very good job of supporting myself let alone shouldering that responsibility. What I did learn was in her case the more I heard that the more I knew she was giving herself permission to drink and it would be my fault because I didn't support her.
For me the time to leave was when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. Once I reached that point staying wasn't even an option any more.
Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself and know that we are here to support you.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
For me the time to leave was when the pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving. Once I reached that point staying wasn't even an option any more.
Be gentle with yourself, take care of yourself and know that we are here to support you.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 218
Originally Posted by AYP101 
So my husband that has been sober for 9 months continues with is cruel streak of being critical of every aspect of me. And since I have found the support of this website, I am better prepared when he tries to pick fights with me. But he knows how to get my jugular vein...like by calling me fat (tonight he said he has never seen anyone whose belly sticks out so far...FYI.. I am a size 10) or saying mean things about my miscarriage and my hopes to have second child one day (he said everyone at his AA meeting were laughing at me because that morning I talked about "maybe one day" having a sibling for our daughter and then later told my husband, after a cruel streak, that I thought we should separate. I guess am not allowed to dream that our family may get back on track) Even though I know he is telling lies to hurt me, they fact he feels the need to attack me hurts even more.
Tonight his big claim is that I don't do anything to "support him".
1) I pulled my petition for divorce when he promised to get sober in order to support him, our marriage and our family
2) I met with a woman from AA that he organized because he wanted me to "understand" AA. She said I could reach out to her anytime, but when I did, I got and not so good vibe and later learned my husband had told her not to talk with me anymore. (I don't think he wants her to hear the "real" story from me of what goes in our home and his cruelty.)
3) We went to therapy and it wasn't a right fit, so we switched to an addiction therapist who is 20+ year sober so he understands. This therapist is awesome and doesn't let my husband get away with lame excuses. But now My husband has refused to go back for 2 months. I have scheduled my own appointment alone even though I feel we both need to go for it to be affective.
4)I have spoken to people and AA (including his father) and people from Al Anon that I was put in contact with to try to understand.
5) I have bought 3 different books and have done a ton of online research
6) I have joined this website. Which he has said that he won't listen to anything I say about it because it is not strictly Al Anon and may not follow the 12 steps.
7) I have made MULTIPLE changes in my family, personal and social life so not to "rock" his boat.
I have not gone to an Al Anon meeting, but that is because the local one is a building that I am affiliated with for work and I really want to keep my personal and professional life separate. Tonight I found another meeting 30 min away, but that will take some planning since I am a single mom most week days while he travels for work.
So...what am I missing? Is there a form of support I am not trying? I have to say the "loving support" has been tough because he is so cruel at times that it is hard to be loving and affectionate to someone that just tore me apart. But I have been trying to at least kiss him hello and goodbye. I use to leave nice cards in his suitcase, but I am struggling even doing that now. I am just worn down down down. Any suggestions would be helpful....I am really at wits end.
Meanwhile, it is another night sleeping in the spare room because I am still feeling too hurt by his comments today to want to be near him.
Tonight his big claim is that I don't do anything to "support him".
1) I pulled my petition for divorce when he promised to get sober in order to support him, our marriage and our family
2) I met with a woman from AA that he organized because he wanted me to "understand" AA. She said I could reach out to her anytime, but when I did, I got and not so good vibe and later learned my husband had told her not to talk with me anymore. (I don't think he wants her to hear the "real" story from me of what goes in our home and his cruelty.)
3) We went to therapy and it wasn't a right fit, so we switched to an addiction therapist who is 20+ year sober so he understands. This therapist is awesome and doesn't let my husband get away with lame excuses. But now My husband has refused to go back for 2 months. I have scheduled my own appointment alone even though I feel we both need to go for it to be affective.
4)I have spoken to people and AA (including his father) and people from Al Anon that I was put in contact with to try to understand.
5) I have bought 3 different books and have done a ton of online research
6) I have joined this website. Which he has said that he won't listen to anything I say about it because it is not strictly Al Anon and may not follow the 12 steps.
7) I have made MULTIPLE changes in my family, personal and social life so not to "rock" his boat.
I have not gone to an Al Anon meeting, but that is because the local one is a building that I am affiliated with for work and I really want to keep my personal and professional life separate. Tonight I found another meeting 30 min away, but that will take some planning since I am a single mom most week days while he travels for work.
So...what am I missing? Is there a form of support I am not trying? I have to say the "loving support" has been tough because he is so cruel at times that it is hard to be loving and affectionate to someone that just tore me apart. But I have been trying to at least kiss him hello and goodbye. I use to leave nice cards in his suitcase, but I am struggling even doing that now. I am just worn down down down. Any suggestions would be helpful....I am really at wits end.
Meanwhile, it is another night sleeping in the spare room because I am still feeling too hurt by his comments today to want to be near him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by miamifella
Why are you posing this as a question?
You know his demands are unreasonable. You know that you have done all you can. I suspect that you are posing this in a "poor me" question form to get sympathy and to avoid taking action.
Why not just say what you think about his behavior in a direct way, rather than manipulating everyone else to condemn him. Why don't YOU answer the question that you pose. I have a feeling that if you let yourself communicate directly and take responsibility for your own opinions, it could be the first step toward a better future for yourself and your daughter.
You know his demands are unreasonable. You know that you have done all you can. I suspect that you are posing this in a "poor me" question form to get sympathy and to avoid taking action.
Why not just say what you think about his behavior in a direct way, rather than manipulating everyone else to condemn him. Why don't YOU answer the question that you pose. I have a feeling that if you let yourself communicate directly and take responsibility for your own opinions, it could be the first step toward a better future for yourself and your daughter.
Does that make sense to you?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Richland Center, WI
Posts: 38
You have done nothing to deserve verbal attacks, he sounds like a jerk. I suspect he would be a jerk whether he was a recovering alcoholic or not. Just because you have a family together does not mean you have to stick around and take his nastiness while he is in recovery to show him your support.
I hope you can work on your recovery and are able to move forward with a more positive life in the future.
I hope you can work on your recovery and are able to move forward with a more positive life in the future.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Aems
Have you ever researched Narcissism to see if the profile fits your husband. The way he is treating you may not have anything to do with being in recovery. It may just be another aspect of his personality.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 5
Thanks to all of you for sharing your own personal stories and thoughts. It has given me a lot to think about.
Miamifella....while maybe your intentions were to be helpful (maybe?) your approach was harsh. Hopeworks....you were dead on with your reply and I thank you.
Miamifella....while maybe your intentions were to be helpful (maybe?) your approach was harsh. Hopeworks....you were dead on with your reply and I thank you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by AYP101
Thanks to all of you for sharing your own personal stories and thoughts. It has given me a lot to think about.
Miamifella....while maybe your intentions were to be helpful (maybe?) your approach was harsh. Hopeworks....you were dead on with your reply and I thank you.
Miamifella....while maybe your intentions were to be helpful (maybe?) your approach was harsh. Hopeworks....you were dead on with your reply and I thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by AYP101
Thanks to all of you for sharing your own personal stories and thoughts. It has given me a lot to think about.
Miamifella....while maybe your intentions were to be helpful (maybe?) your approach was harsh. Hopeworks....you were dead on with your reply and I thank you.
Miamifella....while maybe your intentions were to be helpful (maybe?) your approach was harsh. Hopeworks....you were dead on with your reply and I thank you.
Stick with the direction you are going ... thinking, questioning and seeking answers and others e,s and hope!
The time will come when you will know what is right, what is true and what is the right thing for you to do in your own life. That is the magic of recovery.
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