MarliMac

Hi, everyone, I'm new here, but I've been reading like crazy the past few days. Thank you so much for all the information and sharing your stories. I don't feel as alone anymore.

I arrived here by googling "alcoholic husband has a girlfriend." I was at my wits end about what to do with my A. The girlfriend thing was the last straw.

My A is a high functioning A who's beginning to spiral into - low functioning? Whatever, the past few years he has started to last about 6-8 months in jobs and his health is deteriorating despite me, the enabler, propping him up. He's a software engineer who's losing his mental sharpness, so yeah, there's that.

In June, he got a new job with a software firm in New Jersey (after 6 months in an alcoholic stupor after having been fired from his last job in NYC), though we live in upstate NY.

So, he's commuting to NJ for the week and coming home on weekends. A few weeks ago he said he was not drinking during the week anymore and that he wanted to "cut down" and get healthier. Hope! I was guardedly hopeful although we've played this game before and nothing ever came of it. He started playing bridge a couple of times a week, which was kinda weird since we've been married 12 years and he's never wanted to go back to bridge in all this time even though he was good at it once but I thought it couldn't hurt. This is where he got his girlfriend. I'm not sure what's up with that. So far I think they're just having phone sex. He hasn't been able to have sex in years. Of course, that's my fault because I'm cold and frigid and boring and not a good wife. *eyeroll*

Anyway, the girlfriend thing really opened my eyes to the reality of our life. A came home the Friday before Xmas and went on a 4 day binge, drinking all day and night, spending hours on the phone with - let's call her C, the girlfriend. I walked in on phone sex a few times. He tried to lie and tell me C was just a friend and a lesbian! LOL. So sad. I looked on our phone bill and he has logged 664 minutes on the phone with her in ten days or so.

So, I checked his phone Tuesday morning while he was passed out and found all those emails and calls and I went through the house pouring out all the booze. I know that won't really help, but it was cathartic for me. I waited for him to wake up and told him that I wasn't putting up with a girlfriend on top of the alcoholism and that I was filing for divorce.

That was Tuesday morning and I haven't cooked or cleaned or talked to him since. He's just been laying on the couch presumably setting up his next enabler, C. I don't know and don't care anymore. He said he was leaving Friday, but of course he didn't. Then, this morning, he goes into the bathroom and I hear a crash. I didn't go in to check on him. A couple of minutes go by and he comes staggering into the kitchen where I'm making coffee and falls on the floor. He has a small cut on his lip. He says he passed out while on the toilet. I call 911.

So, he's at the hospital. I'm not sure what to do now. I'm not planning to go to the hospital. It's snowing hard here anyway, so I guess I have a plausible excuse for now.

So, a few details I see i left out. I'm 54, A is 56. We've been married 12 years. He's Canadian and just got his green card in September. He's been an alcoholic for probably 20 years or so. He was a serious alcoholic for many years before we married, yes, he lied and hid it from me for a while.

Katiekate

Hi Marlimac, welcome.

At this point in my recovery I would not go to the hospital.

Sounds like you are sick of it, so understandable.

So the question is , what do you want to do.

You sound strong and done.

We are here, we care, please keep posting.
Katie

dollydo

Do what is in your best interest, me I wouldn't go, I'd let his girlfriend visit him. You don't need a plausible excuse, no, is a complete sentence.

Keep posting, keep reading, it will help.

MarliMac

Thank you so much. All of you at this forum have helped me learn to be strong and stop caretaking for A. I'm kind of thinking of calling his mom and others and letting the cat out of the bag about how serious A's alcoholism really is. Pondering.

Also, I'm wondering what to tell the hospital when they call me to come get him. I wonder if they can get him to go to rehab. I really don't want him to come home all pathetic, pressuring me to take care of him. I've been down that road before.

julee39

My dad has been married to an alcoholic for about 10 years now. She has progressively gotten worse and worse. She had multiple hospital stays due to alcohol related health issue as well as multiple falls. He finally had enough after she would go to treatment, swear she would stop, then start up again. On and on. A few months ago, she ended up in the hospital after he found her on the ground in their home and called 911. She had bumped her head and had a brain bleed. She chose to go to a very expensive inpatient rehab after her hospital stay and he then decided he was done. He called her parents and told them and he left their home for a time after she got out of rehab so she could get her stuff and move out.
She is now with her parents and he is free. It was not an easy thing for him to do, and I know it hurts him, but at some point you have exhausted all other avenues and if they go back to the drinking, they go back.
But by calling her parents, he knew someone else knew what was going on and he could take his hands off.
I am sorry for this hurtful situation you are in. How painful to know that he is spending intimate time with another woman. This is a great place to get support!

dollydo

"Also, I'm wondering what to tell the hospital when they call me to come get him. I wonder if they can get him to go to rehab. I really don't want him to come home all pathetic, pressuring me to take care of him. I've been down that road before. "

I'd give them the GF's number or that of his parents, let him go to one of those two places or rehab, it is his choice. He is an adult, allow him the dignity to become a responsible adult, time for him to put on his big boy pants, if he can figure out how to
buy and drink liquor, he can figure out how to find recovery.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this, however, you have choices. Make good ones...for you.

secondwind

Great advise

MarliMac

Thanks for the ideas. His mom is in Canada, a long way away. Not sure about C, I think she's in Memphis or something. I guess I could call both of them and tell them he's in the hospital and that I refuse to take responsibility for him anymore.

Honestly, I'm kind of afraid of him. He hasn't hit me in a few years, but he has hit me before. Enough to make me walk on eggshells around him. God, I can't believe I've been DOING that, how stupid. Writing it makes me realize how ridiculous my life has been.

He's going to be in a rage when I don't let him come home.

OneDayAtATyme

If you are scared of him go file a protective order against him where he cant come back to the home. Maybe write him a letter and send it to the hospital and tell you that you can't take no more and you are just done with the entire situation. Good Luck Stay strong !!!

OhBoy

Sorry your going through this. When I found out about STBXAW' boyfriend(s) I wanted to instantly be done with her, kick her out & file the papers. I confronted her about it & she said the "friend" thing. Also said she blacks out & doesn't know/remember what she has done (well THAT excuses it!). I didn't take immediate action though. What I did was I began to take steps towards a divorce. Started making a plan, evaluating my options while trying to keep an open mind about if she did seek recovery then maybe there was hope. My gut reaction & my brain were telling me that there was really no hope for us, but I kept that door open just a tiny crack, IF that situation arose. It never did & I filed. But I am glad I gave myself a few months to really think it through & wrap my brain around it. It would have been way more difficult for me to handle if I didn't take the time. I was fortunate as I was in no immediate danger or had other factors that would have pressured me into a quick decision. When the time came I knew it & was at peace with my decision knowing I did all I could & had a good plan in place.

With him being in the hospital at least you can take comfort in that he is in good hands & not yours to deal with. Could be a great time for reflection? Remember, this is not a decision that needs to be resolved TODAY. Sounds like he might need some time for reflection as well. If he gets lonely because you won't come, let C come visit his sorry @$$!

lovesunandsnow

Keep being strong for yourself. He got him self into this and now he can figure it out. If your afraid of him please call the police or file an order for him to not come back to the house. I'm not sure about your state but there was a law in my state that gave me a domestic volience order that gave me 14 days for him to not come back to the house. Not sure of the details but look into it, that way he might not be able to come right home and have to really figure out his own and you wouldn't have to make any calls he would.

Don't beat yourself up while this is going on, be kind to yourself and know things will work out. Have faith and keep posting and reading.

MarliMac

You're right, I need to be patient and take my time. On Tuesday, when I made my stand,I told him I was OK with a separation for the time being. I really just want him out of the house so I can work on me. I also want some time to plan for being on my own.

OneDayAtATyme, I don't think I can get a protection order fast enough. I'm betting they want him to leave the hospital by this evening. That's what happened last time. He passed out on the Metro North train into NYC and someone called an ambulance. They only kept him a few hoursa at the hospital.

I made sure the EMTs knew they were dealing with an alcoholic this time. So, maybe they will dig a little deeper into what's wrong with him. It was kind of funny, he was glaring at me while I told the EMTs that he was an alcoholic and had been on a 4 day binge followed by 4 days of no booze. He would have called me all kinds of names if all those people hadn't been there.

Fandy

can you change the locks on the door today? If he gets violent with you or threatens verbally, call the police, press charges...you should not have to be afraid.

if he gets discharged from the hospital, he can call a taxi, but he will want to come straight to the house.

CAPTAINZING2000

I hope, you continue posting on here. There is a lot of love and support. Have you thought of going to Al Anon in your area?

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. When the hospital calls to say "come pick him up"? I'd just say "no, he's not welcome here". Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Now, that doesn't mean he won't get a cab or ambulance to still bring him home, but maybe not.

I agree with the protective order. You shouldn't have to live in fear of what he may do. Is there anywhere you can go, for a while at least, to get away from him if he comes home? I realize HE should be the one to leave, but sometimes they are pretty stubborn, laws vary about making him leave, but it may be an option that will give you time to think.

I'm glad you found us, and that you are posting/reading. The great folks here have been a Godsend for me, and plenty of others I think

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MarliMac

I'm snowed in here, I doubt I can get anyone out here today. Anyway, he left with no keys, so he can't get in unless I let him in. We're in a super-rural area of little country towns. I kinda doubt he'll be able to get a taxi. The roads between where the house is and the hospital get really bad in this kind of weather. Maybe I should call the hospital and see what they're doing with him. Otherwise he might just show up.

Hopeworks

I would have already packed his stuff and rented a storage unit and deposited it there and changed the locks.

Of course I did that about 5 times before it stuck

MarliMac

Yes, i checked around and the nearest one is 45 minutes awaqy. I wish there were one closer. I may still go to the far one.

I'm so happy I found all of you! Thanks for the support and caring.

MarliMac

OK, I called the hospital and they say they admitted him, so I don't think he'll be trying to come home today. They asked if I wanted to talk to him and I said no.

CAPTAINZING2000

We alcoholics have a long list of character defects that go along with the drinking. The drinking itself is bad enough compound it with the fact he appears to be fooling around would make it real difficult to be forgiving of him