HopefulmomtoD

As a recap, my ?RAS was in rehab and sober living for 7 months. We brought him home ~ six weeks ago. In that short time had managed to relapse (found out two weeks ago) and most likely get his GF pregnant.

When we found out he was drinking a few days before Christmas- we kicked him out by dropping him off at a rehab. Unfortunately, they did not admit him and he came back to our house begging to come home. He was never drinking again, please, please, please. Tears and lots of emotion/manipulation.

It was Christmas and cold out and we decided to give him one more chance. The past week he's attended AA meetings daily and gotten a sponsor. Of course, I'm the chauffeur to meetings and work and not really appreciated. We've limited contact with the girlfriend to daytime only when we could see him come home to make sure he was sober. Not ideal, but we didn't have testing set up and felt like his sobriety and our belief he was working the program was the number one priority.

Anyway, the point of my post. Last night, he was to attend an alcathon and meet with is sponsor. I questioned if that's what he was really doing. He swore up and down- gave me the schedule, etc.

This morning, we call and he admits he is not at the alcathon and that he went to his girlfriends for NYE shortly after we dropped him off.

We told him this is really it- stay at the girlfriends. We. Are. Done. I can not live with a liar another day. DH dropped off a bag with his things.

But, still I'm hurting. I'm worried. I'm catastrophizing. I'm sad. I fear he'll start drinking again but know that I can't control it. I hope this makes him grow up. We really have tried and done EVERYTHING. ; (

dollydo

There is nothing more that you can do, allow him the dignity to find his own way, unless he falls to his knees, he will never have a chance to get back up. Enabling and giving him a soft place to land is not the answer, it only makes everything worse.

"Most likely get his GF pregnant."

Please say that is not true...that would be very irresponsible...although I do understand, goes with the addict mentality. It is the child who would suffer.

I sam sorry that you are in pain, however, know that you have done the right thing.

HopefulmomtoD

I wish I could ... to say that this has been the week from hell, would be a major understatement.

Tish8782

I feel your pain, my son came back home after 3 months in a rehab, only to start drinking within a few days of staying home. He is schedule to go to court at the end of the month and possible do jail time. Trying to detach but it is so hard when it is your son. I feel you are very brave in your decision. I wish I will get that brave soon.

dandylion

Dear Hopefulmom, so many of us are/have walked in your shoes. In AA they have a saying--"Let go, and let God". I found that to be very helpful when I had to detach--to admit my powerlessness and turn it over to the universe. When I was finally able to do that, I felt the weight of responsibility lift from my shoulders.

When the A finally "gets" it that you have finally removed yourself from the equasion, they know it. I can imagine that your son figures that you are still good for a few more "rounds"---if he plays you right. Since we have always been there as the faithful backup, it seems that it takes a while for them to believe us. (that was true in my case).

I can't remember if you go to alanon. If not, you will find great comfort there among others who have gone through the same things and understand like no one else can.

Don't put your life and happiness on hold. He is still young and all things are still possible---but it might be a long process (his youth). Your stability and sobriety will give him a rolemodel for what a peaceful life looks like.

Please hang on to the serenity prayer.

sincerely, dandylion

redatlanta

Hopefulmom - I was hopeful it would work out. I'm sorry it turned out the way it did but I am glad you did what you did - it was the only right thing to do.

Thinking about you and sending (((hugs))).

HopefulmomtoD

Thanks everyone. It does help. I'm trying to keep moving on with my life and the days are getting a little easier.

His aunt reached out to him yesterday. She said that he told her he "has no idea why we kicked him out." He swears he is not drinking.

I don't know- will he ever "get it"? Is he so used to lying that he doesn't even think lies are big deals and that we are just supposed to somehow know when he is lying and when he telling is the truth?

In the meantime, I am working on my taxes. The amount of money spent on his health and recovery this past year is staggering. Not just us, but also health insurance through hospitalizations. And, what did he get out of it? What a waste.

Hopeworks

Hopefulmom,

I know you spent a lot of money on his recovery but the message he heard may not have been in vain. They are seeds that were planted and he now has some recovery in his head...

I managed my XA's recovery for years and forced him into rehabs numerous times. Today... after kicking my XA out back in February of 2012 and his careening around the country drunk as a coot, going to jail twice and burning up his car at a casino... well... he finally broke up with alcohol for good. He is working an incredibly intense authentic program of recovery and his life is so way on track.

And I am real happy for him but I am staying off the crazy train this time... even strong recovery can go south. I am now gunshy and way too smart to jump back into the frying pan. Still love him awful though but glad he is 3000 miles away.

Point of story. My XA said he kept drinking trying to blot out all the recovery in his head! It can be a real buzzkiller and if they are going to drink I sure want 'em to be miserable while they are doing it! LOL.

So...right now your son is not feeding the white dog...he is feeding the black dog. But when he switches up and starts feeding the white dog of his own choice he will already have a few tools of recovery in his tool box.

Anyway... take heart. It was not in vain and I do suggest you track down an alanon group you like. Promise you it will make a huge difference and help you find peace and serenity.

HopefulmomtoD

Thanks, Hopeworks.

I'm trying hard to listen to all of the wisdom here at SR and keep hands off and trust that he will do better on his own.

I'd be lying, though, if I didn't fear him being a homeless drunk out in the cold and/or dead. Its very hard not to go and rescue him and believe that this time it will be different. This is really harder, for me, I think- as he is not a mean drunk at all.

Anyway, I'm trying. And, I agree about alanon. I read a lot here, and have a few close friends that I confide in, but I'm sure it couldn't hurt.

Hopeworks

I know exactly how you are feeling... if we could just get them to LISTEN to us! And do what we SAY! Then they would be OK!

But sadly, when we helicopter and control we actually hurt them and the recovery. It's hard for me to admit this...it is humbling. But it is clearly true in my own case.

Yes... my "forcing" him into recovery got him to "hear" and go through the motions to appease me but he wasn't done with alcohol. It was manipulations on his part to keep his comfy life and codie GF spinning all his plates along with her own.

So I spent 4 long years agonizing over my XA so I could kill his buzz a little bit with forced rehab stints that resulted in relapse after relapse (relapse vacations I called them) and he now admits.

Kicking him into what ended up being homelessness after he spent all his money in casinos, burned up his car and went to jail twice...well...it was finally his bottom. Still shaking my head at the insanity of all that...but that is what it took for him.

Now...my XA is an alcoholics alcoholic and could get his own chapter in the Big Book of the future if he stays on track. I am talking crazy, insane drunkalogue stories that can top anyone in the nation....

and he is sober as the judge and talking to him is amazing. He has done 60 meetings in 60 days and is working the steps. He is completely dedicated to a life of AA as his only way out of his alcoholism... and he despised AA. Hated it hated it hated. Tried everything else. EVERYTHING.

so... if my bottom drunk can make it after 15 years of severe alcoholism so can your son...but he has to want it like his next breath of air. Desperately and willing to do whatever it takes. He is still in denial sounds like.

so... take care of you. You can find a place of peace and hope. When he is ready he will seek out answers and you put some pricey seeds of recovery in his head! They may be worth the price someday.

Seren

At the moment, my stepson is living in an SLE for men in another state. When he was actively drinking and using, he was a scary man....but he always managed to find someplace to sleep and something to eat. Addicts are very resourceful. After all, they have been scheming and manipulating to maintain their relationship with their DOC all this time, right? They can turn that resourcefulness toward finding a place to stay.

It is hard not to worry, but Mr. HG and I kept telling ourselves that he managed to get himself into this pickle, he can figure a way out. We just gave him the dignity to make his own choices and live his own life.

Hang in there!

redatlanta

It make take awhile for him to acknowledge his mistakes - he is very young. Still on mom & dad's payroll while in school - separation anxiety is common for any young person who makes the step of being out on their own - in this case not by choice (well kind of you told him what was coming if he didn't get it together).

The sooner he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired the sooner he may realize he wants a different life.

HopefulmomtoD

He texted me this afternoon. Said he was sorry, doing ok, and still going to meetings everyday. He said didn't have any idea what he was going to do, but that his sponsor was helping him.

Overall, probably the best text I could have gotten. He didn't ask for help and told me he loved me- and he is working on his sobriety.

One day at a time.