selfishness and recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 14
selfishness and recovery
I am trying to cope with the ongoing self centeredness of my AD who is in rehab for the first time.
Her dear brother has helped her for many years, been a wonderful mentor to her and was instrumental in her decision to finally seek the help she needed and go to rehab. He visits her every week. However when he sees her AD never asks how he is, even though he has had a very hard life of late; a terribly ill wife and demanding toddler, job troubles, difficult living situation.
Today when he went to visit AD she acted as if the people she is in rehab with were more important to her than her brother. This hurts him very badly. Of course when I visited her today it was much the same, but I am accustomed to being second, third, or fourth in matter of importance in her life. She rarely if ever inquires about my life, my struggles, my needs. Her brother, who has done backflips for her sake, is wondering if he will ever see his loving sister again or is she lost forever in a world of addiction and addiction recovery that he will never be a part of.
This entire process is so very painful, it is tearing a loving, giving family apart and I am powerless to do anything about it. I went to an al anon meeting tonight and found it quite useless. Many people talking about their own painful paths, but no one to consult about my particular process and the poor siblings of my AD who's lives will be forever affected by the loss of their once wonderful sister.
The process of recovery seems as selfish as the disease itself. AD is so absorbed in her needs, as the recovering addict, that she seems oblivious to the pain it has caused her family and what life is like for those of us now living without her.
Do addicts ever make it back from the sea of selfishness that removes them from those that have loved and cared for them all their lives?
Her dear brother has helped her for many years, been a wonderful mentor to her and was instrumental in her decision to finally seek the help she needed and go to rehab. He visits her every week. However when he sees her AD never asks how he is, even though he has had a very hard life of late; a terribly ill wife and demanding toddler, job troubles, difficult living situation.
Today when he went to visit AD she acted as if the people she is in rehab with were more important to her than her brother. This hurts him very badly. Of course when I visited her today it was much the same, but I am accustomed to being second, third, or fourth in matter of importance in her life. She rarely if ever inquires about my life, my struggles, my needs. Her brother, who has done backflips for her sake, is wondering if he will ever see his loving sister again or is she lost forever in a world of addiction and addiction recovery that he will never be a part of.
This entire process is so very painful, it is tearing a loving, giving family apart and I am powerless to do anything about it. I went to an al anon meeting tonight and found it quite useless. Many people talking about their own painful paths, but no one to consult about my particular process and the poor siblings of my AD who's lives will be forever affected by the loss of their once wonderful sister.
The process of recovery seems as selfish as the disease itself. AD is so absorbed in her needs, as the recovering addict, that she seems oblivious to the pain it has caused her family and what life is like for those of us now living without her.
Do addicts ever make it back from the sea of selfishness that removes them from those that have loved and cared for them all their lives?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
sometimes they do make it back, nano. but until such time, you have to take care of yourself & teach your family to do the same. these folks are really good at helping families of addicts:
Families Anonymous | For Relatives & Friends Concerned About the Use of Drugs or Related Behavioral Problems
and of course come back here.....you will get loads of input from people who have been on all sides of this discussion.
I wish you well...
Families Anonymous | For Relatives & Friends Concerned About the Use of Drugs or Related Behavioral Problems
and of course come back here.....you will get loads of input from people who have been on all sides of this discussion.
I wish you well...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Nano,
So sorry to hear about your family and the ongoing pain of loving an addict even when they are starting on the journey of abstinence and potential recovery.
I hope her brother and yourself will try some more alanon meetings (not all are alike and you need to find a match). I found the miracle happened for me (letting go completely and loving unconditionally without worrying and controlling once I did the steps myself).
The meetings and sharing are helpful too but the change for me and true peace came after the steps.
As for the A now in a rehab... well... thats just geography. She is still the same person with the same defects and just going to rehab doesn't really change much... yet. Hopefully she will get on a path of true authentic recovery of spiritual, moral growth and the sweet person she used to be will return... or not.
Removing the alcohol is only the first step... a necessary one but only the first step in a long journey. When drinking the ego and complete selfishness becomes ingrained and part of the personality and peeling off those layers and layers of now natural behavior and mindset doesn't happen easily or quickly.
Is her rehab a 12 step based recovery program and is she committed to that approach in her recovery plan? If she immerses herself into that goal of completing the steps with a strong sponsor she will eventually deal with her behaviors and thought processes as she does each step. Usually rehabs do not want you to obtain a sponsor or go past step three in their facility as they don't want anyone conflicting with whatever treatment approach they are using with their own program.
Don't expect too much too soon. Let her get dry... that is tough by itself as her brain and body are used to being alcohol soaked and it is a mental and physical battle to even feel normal again. She is may be experiencing a pink cloud effect that will fade in time and things may even get even more challenging for the family.
Have you been reading any literature about alcoholism and codependency? Do you have an addictions counselor for you and the family? If you can work those in to your life it will help sooooo much to understand the A... they are baffling for sure!
And do keep trying to find an alanon group you click with... worth the effort looking. Oh... open AA meetings are great for understanding and I do recommend the Big Book... the steps are in it and a lot of great info on alcoholics and relationships.
So sorry to hear about your family and the ongoing pain of loving an addict even when they are starting on the journey of abstinence and potential recovery.
I hope her brother and yourself will try some more alanon meetings (not all are alike and you need to find a match). I found the miracle happened for me (letting go completely and loving unconditionally without worrying and controlling once I did the steps myself).
The meetings and sharing are helpful too but the change for me and true peace came after the steps.
As for the A now in a rehab... well... thats just geography. She is still the same person with the same defects and just going to rehab doesn't really change much... yet. Hopefully she will get on a path of true authentic recovery of spiritual, moral growth and the sweet person she used to be will return... or not.
Removing the alcohol is only the first step... a necessary one but only the first step in a long journey. When drinking the ego and complete selfishness becomes ingrained and part of the personality and peeling off those layers and layers of now natural behavior and mindset doesn't happen easily or quickly.
Is her rehab a 12 step based recovery program and is she committed to that approach in her recovery plan? If she immerses herself into that goal of completing the steps with a strong sponsor she will eventually deal with her behaviors and thought processes as she does each step. Usually rehabs do not want you to obtain a sponsor or go past step three in their facility as they don't want anyone conflicting with whatever treatment approach they are using with their own program.
Don't expect too much too soon. Let her get dry... that is tough by itself as her brain and body are used to being alcohol soaked and it is a mental and physical battle to even feel normal again. She is may be experiencing a pink cloud effect that will fade in time and things may even get even more challenging for the family.
Have you been reading any literature about alcoholism and codependency? Do you have an addictions counselor for you and the family? If you can work those in to your life it will help sooooo much to understand the A... they are baffling for sure!
And do keep trying to find an alanon group you click with... worth the effort looking. Oh... open AA meetings are great for understanding and I do recommend the Big Book... the steps are in it and a lot of great info on alcoholics and relationships.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Nano,
I am exasperated by the same character defects in my ?RAS. For Christmas, everyone (except his girlfriend) got zilch. Not a card. Not a dollar store gift. Nothing.
He takes and takes and takes. And, it is exhausting. I have no idea how he ended up being the person he is.
A friend offered that perhaps its like Maslow's hierarchy of needs ... they are so messed up themselves and trying to take care of their basic needs. They can not even think of others.
My RAS is back in AA and working with a sponsor. If he embraces the program and works the steps, I think some of his character defects will improve.
In the meantime, I am trying to focus on me and our family and not on him. He makes it hard because he causes a lot of drama and trouble and pain, though.
I am exasperated by the same character defects in my ?RAS. For Christmas, everyone (except his girlfriend) got zilch. Not a card. Not a dollar store gift. Nothing.
He takes and takes and takes. And, it is exhausting. I have no idea how he ended up being the person he is.
A friend offered that perhaps its like Maslow's hierarchy of needs ... they are so messed up themselves and trying to take care of their basic needs. They can not even think of others.
My RAS is back in AA and working with a sponsor. If he embraces the program and works the steps, I think some of his character defects will improve.
In the meantime, I am trying to focus on me and our family and not on him. He makes it hard because he causes a lot of drama and trouble and pain, though.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Some do, many do not. It is something the siblings will have to work out amongst themselves.
As for meetings I had to check out three or four before I found my fit. The aftermat of dealing with an addict can be as bad as it was when they were using.
As for meetings I had to check out three or four before I found my fit. The aftermat of dealing with an addict can be as bad as it was when they were using.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Active addiction and early recovery, I have found, are both very self-centered times for the addict/alcoholic. In active addiction, the only goal in life is to get more of the DOC and to use whatever means and whoever necessary to do so.
My own experience and in reading here for many years has shown me that early recovery is also a very self-centered time in that all the efforts of the alcoholic are put into learning a new way to live, to grow, to mature, to deal with adult responsibilities and all of life's ups and downs WITHOUT the DOC.
For my own stepson, we are still waiting for that time when the balance of life returns, when recovery friends are not the center of the universe but are just part of a whole network of friends. If my stepson continues with his recovery, I think he will get there...and think your daughter will, too.
My own experience and in reading here for many years has shown me that early recovery is also a very self-centered time in that all the efforts of the alcoholic are put into learning a new way to live, to grow, to mature, to deal with adult responsibilities and all of life's ups and downs WITHOUT the DOC.
For my own stepson, we are still waiting for that time when the balance of life returns, when recovery friends are not the center of the universe but are just part of a whole network of friends. If my stepson continues with his recovery, I think he will get there...and think your daughter will, too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 14
Thank you all for sharing your experience so honestly. The reality is so difficult to face. That there are so many with similar experiences and pain is strangely comforting and yet scary as hell. I feel now I must work to develop a whole new life and that my family must now struggle to attain a new identity that may or may not include the sister and daughter we once knew and loved. I am completely heartbroken but I know I have no choice but to move forward, step by step, and have faith that our collective future holds promise of many good memories to come.
Have any of you tried independent family counseling? If so, was it helpful? From what I understand about al anon, conversation is not a part of the meeting structure, correct? Am I hearing that there is a system of sponsorship for al anon members as there is for AA members? Is this the best way to "work the program?" Has anybody here had any experience with Women for Sobriety?
Have any of you tried independent family counseling? If so, was it helpful? From what I understand about al anon, conversation is not a part of the meeting structure, correct? Am I hearing that there is a system of sponsorship for al anon members as there is for AA members? Is this the best way to "work the program?" Has anybody here had any experience with Women for Sobriety?
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