Finally joined.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Finally joined.
I've been reading this forum for a while, and finally got the guts to join.
I was going insane with my alcoholic husband, and I was shocked when I realized I'm not alone. I was planning on going to an alanon meeting, but then I realized that I don't know if I want to live like this forever.
I've felt depressed, angry, sad for him, and have almost left twice now. I can't bring myself to leave him alone when he is struggling. It just seems unfair that his alcoholism affects me more than it affects him. He doesn't even realize because of the memory loss when he is obliterated.
I'm young and am scared that one day I'll regret not leaving. My life absolutely revolves around him, and it is beyond exhausting. From making sure he is still breathing to putting him to bed when he falls asleep on the toilet, I think he's too far gone. The worst part is that he thinks he isn't that bad! He has no appreciation for what I go through to make sure he is ok.
The kicker is that he's in the military. He notified his command that he's an alcoholic in need of help. He had an alcohol screening test, and the "doctor" determined he just has anxiety and self medicated with alcohol. They put him on Zoloft, but he stopped taking it long ago. Basically he bs'd the answers to the screening because he probably became embarrassed. Then when he got the answer he wanted: "you're not an alcoholic." He got even worse with his drinking.
Is alanon really a good idea for me, and how can I get him to get some help? Or is this completely hopeless?
I was going insane with my alcoholic husband, and I was shocked when I realized I'm not alone. I was planning on going to an alanon meeting, but then I realized that I don't know if I want to live like this forever.
I've felt depressed, angry, sad for him, and have almost left twice now. I can't bring myself to leave him alone when he is struggling. It just seems unfair that his alcoholism affects me more than it affects him. He doesn't even realize because of the memory loss when he is obliterated.
I'm young and am scared that one day I'll regret not leaving. My life absolutely revolves around him, and it is beyond exhausting. From making sure he is still breathing to putting him to bed when he falls asleep on the toilet, I think he's too far gone. The worst part is that he thinks he isn't that bad! He has no appreciation for what I go through to make sure he is ok.
The kicker is that he's in the military. He notified his command that he's an alcoholic in need of help. He had an alcohol screening test, and the "doctor" determined he just has anxiety and self medicated with alcohol. They put him on Zoloft, but he stopped taking it long ago. Basically he bs'd the answers to the screening because he probably became embarrassed. Then when he got the answer he wanted: "you're not an alcoholic." He got even worse with his drinking.
Is alanon really a good idea for me, and how can I get him to get some help? Or is this completely hopeless?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 141
For starters you've done the right thing by joining the forum 7xdowns.
I don't think that alaon would be a bad ideA, you will find people there who have gone through and are going through the same things as you.
I live with my mum and feell lucky that she's never been a big drinker, but she's had to put up with a lot because of my drinking. Often wondering if/when I come home what drunken horrors would i have to tell her.
Have you suggested that your husband maybe go to an aa meeting?
I don't think that alaon would be a bad ideA, you will find people there who have gone through and are going through the same things as you.
I live with my mum and feell lucky that she's never been a big drinker, but she's had to put up with a lot because of my drinking. Often wondering if/when I come home what drunken horrors would i have to tell her.
Have you suggested that your husband maybe go to an aa meeting?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
I've been begging him to go to aa. He went one time, but refuses to go again. I think he's dilusional and thinks, "I can do this myself." This was a year ago, and he's only gotten worse. He won't talk to anyone about it, and I have no idea how to convince him to get some sort of help.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
AlAnon, this forum, an individual therapist for you, a gym membership... are all good ideas because they represent your investment in yourself. Your health is important. I totally get what you are asking though. Why would I invest in this lifestyle of forever dealing with my issues with an alcoholic when alcohol was never my problem? One of the few times my therapist lost her poker face and guffawed is when I told her that I had failed my written drivers exam twice as a teenager because I refused to learn any little factoid about the legal drinking limit or anything related because I thought it wasn't relevant to my life. I actively did not pay attention in health class to anything regarding drugs or alcohol. So, now not only did he bring the chaos of alcoholism into my life, but I have to make it the center of my attention for MY recovery too? When did this stop being irrelevant? I thought I chose to make this irrelevant?!
Well, I've learned that I was naive, and that I set myself up to be easily manipulated because I was so good at avoiding discussions about alcoholism. AlAnon is really less about your alcoholic and more about learning about ourselves. I no longer resent the relevance of alcoholism in my life. It's not center stage despite my activity on this forum. Because I am learning about my own history, my own ways of thinking and reacting, and my own behaviors that I can change if I want to so that I can be healthy again. I do this regardless of what my XAH is doing, because its not about him.
Keep reading and posting when you want to. And, don't be afraid of trying out a few AlAnon meetings. Try out different ones because they all seem to have a different vibe. But, in my experience, they are all full of very supportive people who will completely understand what you are going through, even if you never feel like sharing your story with them. It can be incredibly soothing.
Many hugs,
Fathom
Well, I've learned that I was naive, and that I set myself up to be easily manipulated because I was so good at avoiding discussions about alcoholism. AlAnon is really less about your alcoholic and more about learning about ourselves. I no longer resent the relevance of alcoholism in my life. It's not center stage despite my activity on this forum. Because I am learning about my own history, my own ways of thinking and reacting, and my own behaviors that I can change if I want to so that I can be healthy again. I do this regardless of what my XAH is doing, because its not about him.
Keep reading and posting when you want to. And, don't be afraid of trying out a few AlAnon meetings. Try out different ones because they all seem to have a different vibe. But, in my experience, they are all full of very supportive people who will completely understand what you are going through, even if you never feel like sharing your story with them. It can be incredibly soothing.
Many hugs,
Fathom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Thanks for the advice, Fathom! I never thought about seeing a therapist. Maybe that would be worth my time. My mental health has seriously deteriorated, and I do have to take care of myself.
Asking if my situation was "hopeless" was kind of a loaded question. No one can really weigh in on that, and obviously if I'm not in the right frame of mind, I can't even answer that.
I really appreciate the replies!
Asking if my situation was "hopeless" was kind of a loaded question. No one can really weigh in on that, and obviously if I'm not in the right frame of mind, I can't even answer that.
I really appreciate the replies!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
The idea is to work on you, to get yourself healthy. There are many good books on Anger, Amazon has a host of them, both new and used. I would also take a peek at Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum ad cynical one's blogs, will get you headed in the right direction.
Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum ad cynical one's blogs, will get you headed in the right direction.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here. I'm both a recovering addict and have loved ones who are/were still active in addiction.
I came here, newly in recovery, and found my MAJOR problem was I am a codie (codependent). Had read all the recommended books, years ago, thought they were good for "those people" but I wasn't one of them. After spending 20+ years in a dead-end relationship with an alcoholic, turning to drugs to numb out my inability to FIX things, and finally hitting bottom in both respects, I got it.
I don't know about your husband, but my bf's didn't really care what their behavior was doing to me. They downplayed it, said "it's not that bad, I'm not really an alcoholic/addict" whatever. I thought I was going crazy.
Thanks to the great people here, I realized that I was NOT crazy and that the only person I could help was ME! It's taken time, there are still days I take one step forward and two steps back, but my life is SOO much better and doesn't depend on what the addict/alcoholic (A) is doing.
I hope you keep reading and posting and maybe check out an al-anon meeting. For me, the meetings help me keep the focus on me even when those around me are spinning out of control.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I came here, newly in recovery, and found my MAJOR problem was I am a codie (codependent). Had read all the recommended books, years ago, thought they were good for "those people" but I wasn't one of them. After spending 20+ years in a dead-end relationship with an alcoholic, turning to drugs to numb out my inability to FIX things, and finally hitting bottom in both respects, I got it.
I don't know about your husband, but my bf's didn't really care what their behavior was doing to me. They downplayed it, said "it's not that bad, I'm not really an alcoholic/addict" whatever. I thought I was going crazy.
Thanks to the great people here, I realized that I was NOT crazy and that the only person I could help was ME! It's taken time, there are still days I take one step forward and two steps back, but my life is SOO much better and doesn't depend on what the addict/alcoholic (A) is doing.
I hope you keep reading and posting and maybe check out an al-anon meeting. For me, the meetings help me keep the focus on me even when those around me are spinning out of control.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I went to a counselor first, found one that had a background in addiction. I learned that alcoholism is a "contagious" disease, in that we become sick right along with the A. I would check my A at night to be sure he was breathing, I would get him up and into bed, I counted bottles, poured stuff out, I worried when he was gone from the house. He would deny the issue, made me feel like I was going crazy. I had headaches, heartburn, lost weight, couldn't sleep. I was sick.
There is, sadly, nothing you can do if he doesn't seek help. You can't force it. Sometimes they have to experience the natural consequences and hit bottom. The only control you have is over you and your life. I started going to AlAnon, along with the counseling. I learned to detach from my A's behavior, and just focused on me. It was only when he realized he was alone that he sought treatment.
I don't know what the New Year holds in store for me. My A is still away in treatment, and I'm hopeful. But I have found a new peace through AlAnon and counseling. I have worked on self care. My friends have commented that the "old me" is back. I know that no matter what he does, I'm going to be okay. I never would have said that 4 months ago.
Take care of you this coming year, and keep reading/posting.
There is, sadly, nothing you can do if he doesn't seek help. You can't force it. Sometimes they have to experience the natural consequences and hit bottom. The only control you have is over you and your life. I started going to AlAnon, along with the counseling. I learned to detach from my A's behavior, and just focused on me. It was only when he realized he was alone that he sought treatment.
I don't know what the New Year holds in store for me. My A is still away in treatment, and I'm hopeful. But I have found a new peace through AlAnon and counseling. I have worked on self care. My friends have commented that the "old me" is back. I know that no matter what he does, I'm going to be okay. I never would have said that 4 months ago.
Take care of you this coming year, and keep reading/posting.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I don't have anything to add but to say ((((hugs)))) and you have found a place here at SR where people get what you are saying because they have been there.
Wishing you a happier 2013.
Your friend,
Wishing you a happier 2013.
Your friend,
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