closure..dont get mad get even?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Van can
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closure..dont get mad get even?
MY aexbf was not an every day kinda drinker..but went to rehab after losing control and binging and claimed to " manage " when he was with me..He was not able to manage it..afetr experience and experience of him learly NOT being able to manage it, and me dumping him, followed by him beggng and pleading for me to take him back...the relationship finally ended when he decided to drop it one day out of he blue..after soooooooooooo may times of buying into his sob stories and crocodile tears I allowed myself to continue with this break up make up pattern ( which ahd clearly deteriorated my self esteem to nothing) and take him back...only to have him dump me because his anxiety was too high and he couldnt " trust me"...the only reason he felt he couldnt trust me is because he could tell I was on the fence about him for the bulk of our relationship, wondering if I should stick around or run for the hills..
its almost felt like he didnt want to get dumped for his drinking, and he wanted to be the one to do the dumping...because heaven forbid that he would be dumped for that..then he might have to look at it. I think rather than take responsibility for himself he decided to end it..fine by me...
but 3 months into single hood..I decide to write him and apologize for me part in the whole thing ( inspiring his anxiety, insecurities, ect) just your basic closure letter that you write in good faith and hope to mutually acknowledge/ apologize for the demise of the relationship.
Stuuuuupid me.
He wrote back, that it was easy for him to let me go because of somehting nasty i had said to him in one of our fights,..and did not once/ ever ackowldege that his drinking was the primary reason I was not able to take the relatioonship serioulsy..and why we had so many fights about his anxieties and him him him..
This made me absolutle furious. to this second I think I fanatasize about hurting him because I am so angry at his lack of accountabilty. its almost as if it never happened, his drinking episodes..and Im just the crazy lover he had.. he has oved onto another relationship ( literally 5 seconds afetr ours ended) and now they are happy and in love..
Im angry that he is not able to take responsibility for his actions and validate that he was just a **** up from day one.
please someone help me. I need advice on where to place this anger..
its almost felt like he didnt want to get dumped for his drinking, and he wanted to be the one to do the dumping...because heaven forbid that he would be dumped for that..then he might have to look at it. I think rather than take responsibility for himself he decided to end it..fine by me...
but 3 months into single hood..I decide to write him and apologize for me part in the whole thing ( inspiring his anxiety, insecurities, ect) just your basic closure letter that you write in good faith and hope to mutually acknowledge/ apologize for the demise of the relationship.
Stuuuuupid me.
He wrote back, that it was easy for him to let me go because of somehting nasty i had said to him in one of our fights,..and did not once/ ever ackowldege that his drinking was the primary reason I was not able to take the relatioonship serioulsy..and why we had so many fights about his anxieties and him him him..
This made me absolutle furious. to this second I think I fanatasize about hurting him because I am so angry at his lack of accountabilty. its almost as if it never happened, his drinking episodes..and Im just the crazy lover he had.. he has oved onto another relationship ( literally 5 seconds afetr ours ended) and now they are happy and in love..
Im angry that he is not able to take responsibility for his actions and validate that he was just a **** up from day one.
please someone help me. I need advice on where to place this anger..
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"Addicted to the Addicted" We get caught up in their illness,and we become ill ourselves. The fighting, breaking up, begging, getting back together, fighting..... it's not good for anyone. Until the A wants to make a change, there is nothing you can do about it. It's not so unusual for them to blame you and find a new buddy that doesn't challenge them. Try not to be hurt by that, it's not about you, it's about them and their distorted boundaries.
I'm glad you're here. Read "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Find an AlAnon meeting. Realize that the anger only affects you. It's okay to acknowledge anger about the unfairness of the loss. It took a lot of counseling for me to let go of the anger, and it wasn't a conscious decision. I literally realized one Saturday morning that I didn't feel angry, for the first time in 6 months. I knew I was healing.
Be gentle with yourself. Don't expect too much too soon. Take care of you.
I'm glad you're here. Read "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. Find an AlAnon meeting. Realize that the anger only affects you. It's okay to acknowledge anger about the unfairness of the loss. It took a lot of counseling for me to let go of the anger, and it wasn't a conscious decision. I literally realized one Saturday morning that I didn't feel angry, for the first time in 6 months. I knew I was healing.
Be gentle with yourself. Don't expect too much too soon. Take care of you.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hugs, Randy.
Recognizing our own part in the dynamics is a really important step in recovering from any breakup or other difficult relationship issue, and I think it shows that you are a healthy person practicing self-awareness. In my experience, many people struggle with self-awareness. Addicts seem particularly oblivious to the concept. My XAH would yell at me whenever I suggested he pay more attention to his words and actions because then maybe my reactions would make more sense (like, I only respond positively to his advances when he hasn't been verbally abusive within the last 10 minutes. Low bar, I know.).
So, self-awareness and introspection is good, but be careful who you share it with and also be aware of your own motives for sharing. What was the reaction you were hoping for, and is that a reasonable expectation of someone so emotionally immature? There's a saying around here, "Don't go to the hardware store looking for bread." Right now, your X is caught up in the chaos of his addiction. He is not capable of giving you the kind of relationship you want and deserve. He can change that, but it's his choice to put in the real recovery work.
Stick around and keep posting. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. There's so much wisdom and support in these threads.
Take care of yourself,
Fathom
Recognizing our own part in the dynamics is a really important step in recovering from any breakup or other difficult relationship issue, and I think it shows that you are a healthy person practicing self-awareness. In my experience, many people struggle with self-awareness. Addicts seem particularly oblivious to the concept. My XAH would yell at me whenever I suggested he pay more attention to his words and actions because then maybe my reactions would make more sense (like, I only respond positively to his advances when he hasn't been verbally abusive within the last 10 minutes. Low bar, I know.).
So, self-awareness and introspection is good, but be careful who you share it with and also be aware of your own motives for sharing. What was the reaction you were hoping for, and is that a reasonable expectation of someone so emotionally immature? There's a saying around here, "Don't go to the hardware store looking for bread." Right now, your X is caught up in the chaos of his addiction. He is not capable of giving you the kind of relationship you want and deserve. He can change that, but it's his choice to put in the real recovery work.
Stick around and keep posting. Read the stickies at the top of this forum. There's so much wisdom and support in these threads.
Take care of yourself,
Fathom
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
The only thing you should be feeling for his new friend/girl-friend is pity. No he is not happy, no he is not in love!!! He is just happy he can drink and make someone "happy" while doing so without getting "the ultimatum" once a month............
I was that new girlfriend once, u know???? when my XABF dumped his girlfriend of 11 years (10 years living together), just took all his things and abandoned the house, unannounced, while she was at a concert, and left her to pay a 2 br apartment rent by herself!
Three weeks later I was in bed with him, it just happened casually one night, after having one too many beers together. For me, it was a casual "slip", a date that ended in sex. two dates, three dates, twelve dates and I slowly fell in love with him and became his new enabler. Gosh, do they know how to work that charm!!!!!
The poor ex-girlfriend e-mailed him for well over a year. One day I even found that he had sent her an e-mail full of pictures of the two of them together, trying to remind her of the good old times, NINE MONTHS AFTER HAVING DUMPED HER!!!!!!!!! And there she was, the whole time, begging for him to return!!! Completely trapped in this nasty illness of codependency!!!
Lucky enough for her, she ran into us one day. He had been denying that he was dating anyone else, FOR A WHOLE YEAR!!! HE DENIED ME!!! She ran into us holding hands at a train station, and after that day, she never wrote him again. I am happy to inform you that two years later we ran into her
She was holding hands with another man, a healthy-looking younger fellah....
I was happy for her that day, happy that she was dating someone else, happy that she looked happy, that she had gotten over him and moved on to (hopefully) better things!!! Sad part is, I knew that I had taken her place..... I was sad for myself......
But that has all come to an end now, and I encourage you to be grateful for that..... it's over. He is gone! Count your blessings... if he contacts you ask him to stay out of your life forever....... Don't hate the person, hate the disease!!! He is a 6-year-old inside....immature, irresponsible..... But you know better now, and you mustn't waste another minute being unhappy........
Best wishes to you, you are not alone!!!! Keep posting as necessary... We are on the same boat you and I feel free to write me any time.
I was that new girlfriend once, u know???? when my XABF dumped his girlfriend of 11 years (10 years living together), just took all his things and abandoned the house, unannounced, while she was at a concert, and left her to pay a 2 br apartment rent by herself!
Three weeks later I was in bed with him, it just happened casually one night, after having one too many beers together. For me, it was a casual "slip", a date that ended in sex. two dates, three dates, twelve dates and I slowly fell in love with him and became his new enabler. Gosh, do they know how to work that charm!!!!!
The poor ex-girlfriend e-mailed him for well over a year. One day I even found that he had sent her an e-mail full of pictures of the two of them together, trying to remind her of the good old times, NINE MONTHS AFTER HAVING DUMPED HER!!!!!!!!! And there she was, the whole time, begging for him to return!!! Completely trapped in this nasty illness of codependency!!!
Lucky enough for her, she ran into us one day. He had been denying that he was dating anyone else, FOR A WHOLE YEAR!!! HE DENIED ME!!! She ran into us holding hands at a train station, and after that day, she never wrote him again. I am happy to inform you that two years later we ran into her
She was holding hands with another man, a healthy-looking younger fellah....I was happy for her that day, happy that she was dating someone else, happy that she looked happy, that she had gotten over him and moved on to (hopefully) better things!!! Sad part is, I knew that I had taken her place..... I was sad for myself......
But that has all come to an end now, and I encourage you to be grateful for that..... it's over. He is gone! Count your blessings... if he contacts you ask him to stay out of your life forever....... Don't hate the person, hate the disease!!! He is a 6-year-old inside....immature, irresponsible..... But you know better now, and you mustn't waste another minute being unhappy........
Best wishes to you, you are not alone!!!! Keep posting as necessary... We are on the same boat you and I
feel free to write me any time.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Revenge is not worth the cost, I just don't get it.
My ex, who I am just now realizing was is an alcoholic really got twisted toward the end. When she found an opening - a place to hit me, she would double down with a sadistic grin.
She did her best to ruin me and several people asked why I did not "pay her back"
My answer was "because this isn't middle school and I'm not like her".
How does anyone truly wish to harm someone they once loved?
He/she started it is such a load of crap.
My ex f'd me over hard in the divorce, publicly tried to humiliate me and tried to trash my reputation in a small industry where I'm usually a keynote speaker type " thought leader".
She sent a snide note from outdated used to be our favorite hotel in Cannes to say "living well is the best revenge"
My response? " People who are well don't sit around all day plotting revenge, get a f---ing life"
I'm sure he 'deserves' it in your mind but why not focus on being your best self? If you need him to regret losing you then be your best, not your worst.
Keep this in mind: being bitter is like taking poison then waiting for the other person to die.
Don't mean to attack you while you are hurting, truly mean this as a supportive friend - don't ever let someone else turn you into something you are not.
My ex, who I am just now realizing was is an alcoholic really got twisted toward the end. When she found an opening - a place to hit me, she would double down with a sadistic grin.
She did her best to ruin me and several people asked why I did not "pay her back"
My answer was "because this isn't middle school and I'm not like her".
How does anyone truly wish to harm someone they once loved?
He/she started it is such a load of crap.
My ex f'd me over hard in the divorce, publicly tried to humiliate me and tried to trash my reputation in a small industry where I'm usually a keynote speaker type " thought leader".
She sent a snide note from outdated used to be our favorite hotel in Cannes to say "living well is the best revenge"
My response? " People who are well don't sit around all day plotting revenge, get a f---ing life"
I'm sure he 'deserves' it in your mind but why not focus on being your best self? If you need him to regret losing you then be your best, not your worst.
Keep this in mind: being bitter is like taking poison then waiting for the other person to die.
Don't mean to attack you while you are hurting, truly mean this as a supportive friend - don't ever let someone else turn you into something you are not.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by PohsFriend 
Revenge is not worth the cost, I just don't get it....My response? " People who are well don't sit around all day plotting revenge, get a f---ing life".
When you're hurting like that, you thoughts become skewed. But try to imagine how you will feel once the dust settles if you do seek revenge. You will have that nasty feeling lingering in the pit of your stomach that you did something wrong to someone (even if they deserved it) to deal with. Then imagine if you had managed to leave it all be. You will feel much lighter because of it.
Don't buy into the dysfunction of this person or it may well rub off onto you. Try to direct that anger towards something more worthwhile and less damaging such as your work or exercise. You'll feel all the better for it while simultaneously improving your life and avoiding later regret.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
They say the best revenge is a life well lived and my experience is that this is 100% true and accurate.
Stewing and plotting and getting eaten alive by vengeful thoughts is hurting only one person - and it is not him. He still has control over your thoughts and feelings and he probably isn't spending two minutes thinking about you and if he is it is numbed by alcohol and twisted by his own bent reality.
I do understand the anger and frustration over the lack of validation and clusure but leaving it behind puts your power and your happiness back in your court.
Stewing and plotting and getting eaten alive by vengeful thoughts is hurting only one person - and it is not him. He still has control over your thoughts and feelings and he probably isn't spending two minutes thinking about you and if he is it is numbed by alcohol and twisted by his own bent reality.
I do understand the anger and frustration over the lack of validation and clusure but leaving it behind puts your power and your happiness back in your court.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by Randy32
I'm angry that he is not able to take responsibility for his actions and validate that he was just a **** up from day one.
You give yourself closure. For me, that looked like forgiveness to myself for getting involved in this mess to begin with, and over time, a small amount of forgiveness to my exAH for simply being an addict who is so controlled by a substance that he doesn't know how to relate to other people.
I spent a lot of time hoping for responsibility and accountability, until it finally dawned on me that I'd have more of a chance running into the abominable snowman than I would getting any kind of amends from the exAH.
Have you read "Women Who Love Too Much?" I highly recommend it.
Peace,
~T
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
When I first left my wife rage was barely adequate to describe how I felt. However by posting and reading here and attending Al-Anon my anger began to cool.
It takes a while but things do get better. Once I focused on my own issues and working a recovery to get my life back in order I found that I didn't need that anger anymore. That I could have a good, healthy and sane life without her.
Don't swallow your anger but don't let it consume you. My anger was just the catalyst that I needed to start working my recovery, maybe yours can do the same.
((((Hugs))))
Edit: TG, just read your post, it seems like we have been on the same wavelength and timing a lot lately. Except you always seem to get in just before me.
Your friend,
It takes a while but things do get better. Once I focused on my own issues and working a recovery to get my life back in order I found that I didn't need that anger anymore. That I could have a good, healthy and sane life without her.
Don't swallow your anger but don't let it consume you. My anger was just the catalyst that I needed to start working my recovery, maybe yours can do the same.
((((Hugs))))
Edit: TG, just read your post, it seems like we have been on the same wavelength and timing a lot lately. Except you always seem to get in just before me.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I understand your anger. I was very angry after I left my EXAH. Why didn't he take the opportunity of practicing what he learned in rehab? Instead he went right back to active addiction.
It is okay to be angry. What I learned was it hurts me to hang onto that anger and form a resentment.
It robs me of the sunlight of the spirit.
Sending you hugs of support.
I understand your anger. I was very angry after I left my EXAH. Why didn't he take the opportunity of practicing what he learned in rehab? Instead he went right back to active addiction.
It is okay to be angry. What I learned was it hurts me to hang onto that anger and form a resentment.
It robs me of the sunlight of the spirit.
Sending you hugs of support.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I am sorry about this... I had the same EXACT thing thing happen to me, tried writing the ex an e-mail about 3-4 months after the breakup which he became verbally abusive and frightening. The whole episode scared me so much I was under psychiatric care and benzos for a month afterwards.
My email said something like, "I was sorry we couldn't make things work and I wished him well". He wrote back and said he was still angry at me over something I said during the breakup and I was not forgiven, and he also made some other snide and hostile comments about "my problems".
He will never take responsibility for his behavior and how his alcoholic drinking, lying and poor behavior drove a wedge between us. I believe they are either in denial or the truth is too nasty for them to admit to. I have no idea of he is dating someone else but if he is, I feel sorry for the poor woman. I broke up with him many times only to have him begging to come back to me. I was totally sucked in, and of course he could be quite nice and charming when he wanted to be (google: cycle of abuse for more information on that one).
What do you do with the anger? That is a good question. I spent months feeling angry and depressed. I'm quite sure he is talking sh*t about me all over town. The only thing you can really do is to just leave him in the past and focus on yourself now. It is easier said than done. I have done lots of extensive journaling and have been to see a therapist. I am not ready to date at all because I felt trapped in the codependency and could not let him go until the relationship made me mentally ill. Now I want to work on being able to be happy alone. I've just been focusing on myself, my hobbies and things I want to do.
Time definitely helps... and after hanging out here on SR I realized blame shifting is very common for an alcoholic. It is sooo difficult not to take it personally I know. My one comfort is I know he has had a history of troubled relationships that ended badly, so I don't think it's just me. Somehow I thought things between us would be different, but he needs some professional help and I'm helping ME now.
I am sorry about this... I had the same EXACT thing thing happen to me, tried writing the ex an e-mail about 3-4 months after the breakup which he became verbally abusive and frightening. The whole episode scared me so much I was under psychiatric care and benzos for a month afterwards.
My email said something like, "I was sorry we couldn't make things work and I wished him well". He wrote back and said he was still angry at me over something I said during the breakup and I was not forgiven, and he also made some other snide and hostile comments about "my problems".
He will never take responsibility for his behavior and how his alcoholic drinking, lying and poor behavior drove a wedge between us. I believe they are either in denial or the truth is too nasty for them to admit to. I have no idea of he is dating someone else but if he is, I feel sorry for the poor woman. I broke up with him many times only to have him begging to come back to me. I was totally sucked in, and of course he could be quite nice and charming when he wanted to be (google: cycle of abuse for more information on that one).
What do you do with the anger? That is a good question. I spent months feeling angry and depressed. I'm quite sure he is talking sh*t about me all over town. The only thing you can really do is to just leave him in the past and focus on yourself now. It is easier said than done. I have done lots of extensive journaling and have been to see a therapist. I am not ready to date at all because I felt trapped in the codependency and could not let him go until the relationship made me mentally ill. Now I want to work on being able to be happy alone. I've just been focusing on myself, my hobbies and things I want to do.
Time definitely helps... and after hanging out here on SR I realized blame shifting is very common for an alcoholic. It is sooo difficult not to take it personally I know. My one comfort is I know he has had a history of troubled relationships that ended badly, so I don't think it's just me. Somehow I thought things between us would be different, but he needs some professional help and I'm helping ME now.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
I understand your anger. I was very angry after I left my EXAH. Why didn't he take the opportunity of practicing what he learned in rehab? Instead he went right back to active addiction.
It is okay to be angry. What I learned was it hurts me to hang onto that anger and form a resentment.
It robs me of the sunlight of the spirit.
Sending you hugs of support.
I understand your anger. I was very angry after I left my EXAH. Why didn't he take the opportunity of practicing what he learned in rehab? Instead he went right back to active addiction.
It is okay to be angry. What I learned was it hurts me to hang onto that anger and form a resentment.
It robs me of the sunlight of the spirit.
Sending you hugs of support.
but this is what addicts do...they take hostages and you happened to be one...
move on, move forward, try a 12 step program...but its time for the steps of grieving to help
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Hillsborough, NJ
Posts: 267
[QUOTE=lovingenabler;3743380]The only thing you should be feeling for his new friend/girl-friend is pity. No he is not happy, no he is not in love!!! He is just happy he can drink and make someone "happy" while doing so without getting "the ultimatum" once a month............
Thank you, lovingenabler...I needed to hear that!
To the orginal poster, just know that you are not alone in how you are feeling...
I got "blamed" for the relationship not working out either...
Then when he asked me what I thought the problem was, I didn't hesistate to tell him.....
The mistake we (meaning you and I) made was thinking that an addict has the ability to be accountable for their part in things...
Until they do some kind of recovery work, it's always going to be someone else's fault....
Good for you, though for owning your part in things...(I did the same thing months later...)
If you feel in your heart that you made things right on your end, then your job as it relates to this situation is done....
Re: the anger....Oh my goodness....I can relate...
My take on it....Acknowledge the anger, supressing it will do you no good, but holding onto won't either....
I can remember being so angry with an ex-boyfriend of mine from several years ago, that I once said I wished he'd drop dead....
It actually hurts me that I was ever that "far gone" so to speak...
While I may never like some of the (ahem) "things" he pulled during our time together, I can honestly say I wouldn't want him to drop dead either....
Believe me, there was a time that I NEVER thought I'd get past all the emotionality of that particular relationship, but I did...and you can too!
All the best,
Linda
Thank you, lovingenabler...I needed to hear that!
To the orginal poster, just know that you are not alone in how you are feeling...
I got "blamed" for the relationship not working out either...
Then when he asked me what I thought the problem was, I didn't hesistate to tell him.....
The mistake we (meaning you and I) made was thinking that an addict has the ability to be accountable for their part in things...
Until they do some kind of recovery work, it's always going to be someone else's fault....
Good for you, though for owning your part in things...(I did the same thing months later...)
If you feel in your heart that you made things right on your end, then your job as it relates to this situation is done....
Re: the anger....Oh my goodness....I can relate...
My take on it....Acknowledge the anger, supressing it will do you no good, but holding onto won't either....
I can remember being so angry with an ex-boyfriend of mine from several years ago, that I once said I wished he'd drop dead....
It actually hurts me that I was ever that "far gone" so to speak...
While I may never like some of the (ahem) "things" he pulled during our time together, I can honestly say I wouldn't want him to drop dead either....
Believe me, there was a time that I NEVER thought I'd get past all the emotionality of that particular relationship, but I did...and you can too!
All the best,
Linda
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Sorry for your hurt.
I left my alcoholic boyfriend because the drinking had taken its toll on our relationship & he wasn't getting any better.
BUT.........in his sick mind, the relationship wasn't working out so he was drinking more in the hope that I'd dump him!
Whatever.
He went straight to an old ex & hooked up & is with her today but in the mean time he has cheated on her & has upset her several times with his drinking.
I had contact with him a while back & we talked & it turned out he regretted some of the stuff he did when we were together eg. embarassing me in front of my friends & their families & being horrible to our kids.
So you see, nothing really makes sense in their world. I think they do feel regret but it is easier to paint a rosier picture of themselves & blame someone else rather than face their alcoholism.
All we can do is make a healthier life for ourselves & to focus on ourselves.
Hugs.
I left my alcoholic boyfriend because the drinking had taken its toll on our relationship & he wasn't getting any better.
BUT.........in his sick mind, the relationship wasn't working out so he was drinking more in the hope that I'd dump him!
Whatever.
He went straight to an old ex & hooked up & is with her today but in the mean time he has cheated on her & has upset her several times with his drinking.
I had contact with him a while back & we talked & it turned out he regretted some of the stuff he did when we were together eg. embarassing me in front of my friends & their families & being horrible to our kids.
So you see, nothing really makes sense in their world. I think they do feel regret but it is easier to paint a rosier picture of themselves & blame someone else rather than face their alcoholism.
All we can do is make a healthier life for ourselves & to focus on ourselves.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I too do not understand revenge - its a dangerous tool if played with someone who accepts the challenge.
I also don't understand why people think that the other person has moved on to a life of happiness and joy just because they tell us so or because somewhere in our skewed minds we want to believe it because it fuels the anger.
Do you really think he left your relationship and magically all his issues disappeared? No - he moved on to another and carried the same BS along with him. Haven't we all ran into someone be it a former love interest, ex friend or boss and put on a united front to let them know we are simply fabulous when we aren't? Its human nature or rather ego.
This kind of anger I believe is directed more at ourselves rather than the other person - anger for trying, anger for accepting, anger for putting yourself through hell, mostly anger for being fooled again and again and again.
Perhaps working on forgiving yourself will help you.
I also don't understand why people think that the other person has moved on to a life of happiness and joy just because they tell us so or because somewhere in our skewed minds we want to believe it because it fuels the anger.
Do you really think he left your relationship and magically all his issues disappeared? No - he moved on to another and carried the same BS along with him. Haven't we all ran into someone be it a former love interest, ex friend or boss and put on a united front to let them know we are simply fabulous when we aren't? Its human nature or rather ego.
This kind of anger I believe is directed more at ourselves rather than the other person - anger for trying, anger for accepting, anger for putting yourself through hell, mostly anger for being fooled again and again and again.
Perhaps working on forgiving yourself will help you.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My sponser asks me " what is your motive ?" Running things by another recovery person really helps. I cannot be objective about my stuff but others can. It will calm down in time. We can't have expectations that a "using" person will be rational though. Their thinking is so messed up. Step 1.- we are powerless over everyone but us. I can change my reaction. They say " don't Let them live in your head rent free....." Meeting makers make it.......
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I hope you get to Alanon, it will help a great deal. Codependency is alcoholism without the booze. We're obsessed with the alcoholic and like all addictions, suffer from denial. I really needed outside help, Alanon saved my life.
God bless.
God bless.
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