Not sure if I am doing this correctly...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Murfreesboro TN
Posts: 5
Not sure if I am doing this correctly...
But here goes... I am new to the whole forum thing... so if I do something that is not correct please let me know.
My husband is an alcoholic. He of course does not want to admit it. There for a while I would get angry. I would let him control me. But recently, I said enough was enough. I had gained bunches of weight, I was not me. I had let his lifestyle bring me down. He makes me feel like I can't leave his sight, he has to listen to every conversation, he has counted the text I had sent to people.
So, I said NO more, He can drink, he can be selfish he can ruin his life but this does not mean that he can ruin mine. I go to the gym, do things for me, I do not ask for permission I take care of myself.
However with that said, I still get so angry with him I can't stand it. I hate feeling alone. I hate not being able to talk to him. I hate not being able to share my accomplishments or my disappointments.
I am under so much stress with both of our families. Both parents have health issues. He seems to think that I am supposed to handle ALL of the family problems. All he has to do is drink and it will disappear for him.
I am very glad I found this site, I will be able to "voice" my concerns and hopefully get insight on how to keep my sanity.
My husband is an alcoholic. He of course does not want to admit it. There for a while I would get angry. I would let him control me. But recently, I said enough was enough. I had gained bunches of weight, I was not me. I had let his lifestyle bring me down. He makes me feel like I can't leave his sight, he has to listen to every conversation, he has counted the text I had sent to people.
So, I said NO more, He can drink, he can be selfish he can ruin his life but this does not mean that he can ruin mine. I go to the gym, do things for me, I do not ask for permission I take care of myself.
However with that said, I still get so angry with him I can't stand it. I hate feeling alone. I hate not being able to talk to him. I hate not being able to share my accomplishments or my disappointments.
I am under so much stress with both of our families. Both parents have health issues. He seems to think that I am supposed to handle ALL of the family problems. All he has to do is drink and it will disappear for him.
I am very glad I found this site, I will be able to "voice" my concerns and hopefully get insight on how to keep my sanity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
Just wanted to send you some encouragement. Glad that you have found us, sorry you have to be here. More enlightened people will come along soon to give you their words of wisdom, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Hugs and hope for you and your family.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I think you did a great introduction! Please spend as much time as needed reading, posting and venting. We understand.
I found the support I needed from like-minded individuals (and they weren't family or long time friends). I found these wonderful people at Alanon meetings in my community and on this website.
While living with active alcoholism in my home, I found the steps in the following post very helpful. I will share the link to a one of our sticky posts. Sticky posts are posts with lots of experience, strength and hope that have been permanently preserved for future reading. Here is the link that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I think you did a great introduction! Please spend as much time as needed reading, posting and venting. We understand.
I found the support I needed from like-minded individuals (and they weren't family or long time friends). I found these wonderful people at Alanon meetings in my community and on this website.
While living with active alcoholism in my home, I found the steps in the following post very helpful. I will share the link to a one of our sticky posts. Sticky posts are posts with lots of experience, strength and hope that have been permanently preserved for future reading. Here is the link that helped me:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, read around many insightful posts here, also take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this and the Family & Friends of Substance Abusers forum. Addiction is addiction. Really doesn't make any difference what their DOC is.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by greenviolin 
But here goes... I am new to the whole forum thing... so if I do something that is not correct please let me know.
But as far as I can tell, there is no incorrect way of posting on this site, as long as you are respectful of others. Word of warning though... when I first started posting, I came up against (what seemed like) some pretty harsh replies, which felt particularly rough given what was going on in my life with my ABF, and how fragile I was feeling. I must admit, some of it stung like hell, but I know none of it was meant to hurt me. Help comes in many different forms. Moreover, although we are all somewhat in the same boat, we all have our own stories, and we all deal with things differently. Some of us don't even take our own advice. This is just an unavoidable part of forum life.
This is why they say to read all you can and take from it what you like (or something along those lines). So do that. Sometimes you just need to vent, which is fine here. Sometimes you are looking for advice, and you will receive advice in many different forms. Some will jump out at you, and it is that advice which you should take to heart.
I hope you find some kind of understanding in the stories and advice from others. If you can't get support from your partner, you can get it here. There is a lot of kindness in these threads.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear greenviolin, just speaking from a western socialogical point of view---women are, most often, given the responsibility of the care-giving in families (including the spousal famiies). I know how difficult this becomes when there are lots of health issues.
You have my greatest empathy in this situation. I would encourage you to get as much help as you can from outside sources, Often, people are not aware of what is actually available. I have found that the local chapters of The Council on Aging very helpful in finding resources. Personally, I would just pick up the phone and call them and got a very nice social worker to listen and to help. But, there are also lots of other resources.
I empathize with you.
sincerely, dandylion
You have my greatest empathy in this situation. I would encourage you to get as much help as you can from outside sources, Often, people are not aware of what is actually available. I have found that the local chapters of The Council on Aging very helpful in finding resources. Personally, I would just pick up the phone and call them and got a very nice social worker to listen and to help. But, there are also lots of other resources.
I empathize with you.
sincerely, dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
There are lots of wonderful people here - I just went through 9 years of care taking with my 2 parents and sadly they both passed recently. I handled all of that without AH support- it actually irritated him when I would cry watching them suffer- they had emphysema and Cancer - both heinous diseases. Anyway- I am sorry you are having to go through this somewhat alone - I found my AH to be extremely selfish and the world was all about him- just because someone needed to go to chemo - he wasn't gonna let it change his drinking schedule. uggghhh- here to talk whenever you need it. Hang in there!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Murfreesboro TN
Posts: 5
I wish that it were that easy... My dad has mental issues after his mitral valve replacement he is only 70, in August he completed his chemo, my mother (65) has been diagnosed with severe brain atrophy.. MIL is on dialysis.... I am looking at putting my mom in a nursing home after the holidays the state has already told us she could not live alone and they are going to put her in a home... this is not what I want but my dad will not let me and my bothers do what is necessary for the state to take over everything... I have to take my MIL to dialysis on Tuesdays and Thursdays.... I have to get up earlier than normal to take her.... I get so upset with AH because he does not have to take her... he feels he can drink all night long ... when he does this, I get no sleep and I have to drive 45 min to work EVERY day, on Tuesdays and Thursday he works from home.. does he take me into consideration... NO... does he help with my parents.. NO... they live 100 miles from me and I can not get him to help me with anything... I get so tired of the selfishness. Thank you for reading my post and for the advice. One day this mess may get sorted out..:-)
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Can you clarify why You have to take His mother to dialysis on Tuesday and Thursday?
Also, what is he doing that keeps you up all night? Are you able to sleep separately on his all nighters?
Also, what is he doing that keeps you up all night? Are you able to sleep separately on his all nighters?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Murfreesboro TN
Posts: 5
I told him I would take her.. I have to get up and go to work, so I did not see the harm in taking her to dialysis. He does not want to get up early to take her (image that) he does not have to drive in that day... I was just trying to be nice (as usual) So now he has taken advantage of me again... it something that I am trying to work on. He needs to grow up and take responsibility of his family... I know I do not need to alter my schedule for him or his family. I know this... I am trying to correct MY behavior. Every action has a reaction.
At this time, I do not have anywhere else to sleep. I am working on this issue as well.
For years, I schedule the few activities I have around him and his band. I have recently started doing things that I wanted to do... if it interfered with his plans, so sorry. I have a personal trainer I see 3 times a week, I run on the treadmill at the gym, I am going to go to church, I am going to play at the retirement homes with my violin teacher on Tuesday nights, I am going to be me...if this is wrong please tell me, but I am trying to find me.. If I can accomplish all of these things, I will be stronger and can face whatever he throws at me when I tell him, you are sleeping elsewhere.I am hopeful this will be in the near future.
At this time, I do not have anywhere else to sleep. I am working on this issue as well.
For years, I schedule the few activities I have around him and his band. I have recently started doing things that I wanted to do... if it interfered with his plans, so sorry. I have a personal trainer I see 3 times a week, I run on the treadmill at the gym, I am going to go to church, I am going to play at the retirement homes with my violin teacher on Tuesday nights, I am going to be me...if this is wrong please tell me, but I am trying to find me.. If I can accomplish all of these things, I will be stronger and can face whatever he throws at me when I tell him, you are sleeping elsewhere.I am hopeful this will be in the near future.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
In recovery, I learned about H.A.L.T. Halt is a personal recognition technique. I have learned that when I am experiencing HALT, I do not make healthy decisions. HALT indicates the following, I am:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
If I am any one or more of those, I risk making poor choices. Tired is a big one for me. I need my sleep. While living with active alcoholism, I tried several things to ensure my sleep. Earplugs. Couch. Air mattress. Each with various results. When I finally had enough of living with active addiction, I had been sleeping on an air mattress every night.
In my recovery, I learned it is okay to change my mind. If I take on more than I can reasonably handle, I need to speak up and let others know that I am unable to fulfill my prior committment. If taking MIL to dialysis is not working for you, state your intention to end the arrangement. I would calmly state that the arrangement is too much strain on you and after XXX date, you will no longer be able to take MIL to her appointments. (this gives the other adults, MIL and AH, time to make different arrangements).
Have you done any reading on codependency? I found the information in Melody Beatties "Codependent No More" very helpful in learning to set new boundaries for myself, stop trying to control others, stop playing a victim and learning to love myself.
Taking care of yourself is a healthy activity. Most codies (nickname for codependents) don't know how to take care of self. In Al Anon I learned the airplane safety analogy:
Prior to take-off, every flight goes through safety recommendations in the event of an emergency. This includes telling passengers to put on their own air mask before attempting to assist other passengers.
You are learning to put on your own air mask. Good on you.
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
If I am any one or more of those, I risk making poor choices. Tired is a big one for me. I need my sleep. While living with active alcoholism, I tried several things to ensure my sleep. Earplugs. Couch. Air mattress. Each with various results. When I finally had enough of living with active addiction, I had been sleeping on an air mattress every night.
In my recovery, I learned it is okay to change my mind. If I take on more than I can reasonably handle, I need to speak up and let others know that I am unable to fulfill my prior committment. If taking MIL to dialysis is not working for you, state your intention to end the arrangement. I would calmly state that the arrangement is too much strain on you and after XXX date, you will no longer be able to take MIL to her appointments. (this gives the other adults, MIL and AH, time to make different arrangements).
Have you done any reading on codependency? I found the information in Melody Beatties "Codependent No More" very helpful in learning to set new boundaries for myself, stop trying to control others, stop playing a victim and learning to love myself.
Taking care of yourself is a healthy activity. Most codies (nickname for codependents) don't know how to take care of self. In Al Anon I learned the airplane safety analogy:
Prior to take-off, every flight goes through safety recommendations in the event of an emergency. This includes telling passengers to put on their own air mask before attempting to assist other passengers.
You are learning to put on your own air mask. Good on you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 6
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I know exactly how you feel.
The "asking for permission" to do something for yourself is something I have not been able to get over yet. Still working on putting "me" first.
That responsibility of everything must weigh on you. Hopefully, doing things just for you helps!
The "asking for permission" to do something for yourself is something I have not been able to get over yet. Still working on putting "me" first.
That responsibility of everything must weigh on you. Hopefully, doing things just for you helps!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Good for you Greenviolin!
And do not think that you are being "bad or mean" when you set reasonable boundaries and change what has become expected of you by others by your past behaviors.
We "train" others how to treat us by what we tolerate and for a codie like me that meant I emeshed my every moment into making myself a martyr and hero by giving all of my time and energy to others. Somehow I thought unselfish behavior and extreme generosity would spark the same in my A and others but sadly, it only encourages them to take you even more for granted and expect you to do more and more.
At least that was my experience. They would become more lazy and expectant while I would become more resentful and exhausted. It is the "alcoholic dance" and it simply is not healthy.
Unraveling it is a bit more complicated and if you go "cold turkey" they will be highly resentful and expect backlash behaviors from them. A willing slave is something that is not hard to give up!
A good rule of thumb is do not do for an alcoholic what they are capable of doing for themselves. If his mother or father need care then it is his responsibility to provide it and if he is unwilling to stay sober or do it then it is his responsibility to find another way. It is not your job and if you take it on it becomes your job and he gets off scot free with no consequences (enabling).
Recovery for us codies (and I am card carrying) means learning balance and normal and how to take care of ourselves without guilt.
You are on a journey... keep on the path as it is so WORTH IT!!!!
And do not think that you are being "bad or mean" when you set reasonable boundaries and change what has become expected of you by others by your past behaviors.
We "train" others how to treat us by what we tolerate and for a codie like me that meant I emeshed my every moment into making myself a martyr and hero by giving all of my time and energy to others. Somehow I thought unselfish behavior and extreme generosity would spark the same in my A and others but sadly, it only encourages them to take you even more for granted and expect you to do more and more.
At least that was my experience. They would become more lazy and expectant while I would become more resentful and exhausted. It is the "alcoholic dance" and it simply is not healthy.
Unraveling it is a bit more complicated and if you go "cold turkey" they will be highly resentful and expect backlash behaviors from them. A willing slave is something that is not hard to give up!
A good rule of thumb is do not do for an alcoholic what they are capable of doing for themselves. If his mother or father need care then it is his responsibility to provide it and if he is unwilling to stay sober or do it then it is his responsibility to find another way. It is not your job and if you take it on it becomes your job and he gets off scot free with no consequences (enabling).
Recovery for us codies (and I am card carrying) means learning balance and normal and how to take care of ourselves without guilt.
You are on a journey... keep on the path as it is so WORTH IT!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Murfreesboro TN
Posts: 5
Happy New Year to All of you!!! Thank you so much for your encouragement. It really means a lot to me.
I hope I can continue on the right path. My goal for 2013 is to have mind, body and soul revived. I am tired of living in AH shadow, I am tired of taking on his responsibilities. It is time for me to get out of my shell and be me for a change. I am always afraid he will not like "me" but that is a chance I have to take. To be honest, I don't like him after 6pm. So if he does not like me I guess we will be even. :-) Life is a dance, one step at a time.
Pelican... thank you for the HALT info... When I am tired or hungry I get somewhat on the nasty side. That is why it bothers me that he says up and drinks ALL night. AH does not go out to drink, he buys it and brings it home. I DONOT pay for any of his alcohol. He starts in around 6pm and drinks until about 11pm.. He does the bulk of his drinking while he is cooking dinner. He is drinking on an empty stomach and it hits him rather quickly. I have to get up at 5am to be at work by 7am. When he comes to bed he has to make a lot of noise doing the nightly routine and then snores very loudly. I don't get much sleep, so I am tired... this means I am angry. Image that. I try to be civil but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I just go off... I do the name calling thing which I know is not the right thing to do... As of today, my goal is let him live his life and I will live mine. I will be pulling out the air mattress I am not sure if I will make him sleep on it, he has the problem not me, why should I have to give up my bed? of if I will just sleep on it til I buy a bed for me. I did tell him today that if he got passing out drunk on Monday or Wednesday nights he would have to take her to dialysis... She is his responsibility not mine, I have enough on my plate with my parents, I do not need to take on his responsibilities...He said he knew he had been drinking too much and was going to do better... Well he has fallen down the steps twice tonight... I did not help him up either... and was calling the doggies to come in... they were already in and he could barely make it up the steps to go to bed... So I am assuming he is watching it real close :-)
I hope I can continue on the right path. My goal for 2013 is to have mind, body and soul revived. I am tired of living in AH shadow, I am tired of taking on his responsibilities. It is time for me to get out of my shell and be me for a change. I am always afraid he will not like "me" but that is a chance I have to take. To be honest, I don't like him after 6pm. So if he does not like me I guess we will be even. :-) Life is a dance, one step at a time.
Pelican... thank you for the HALT info... When I am tired or hungry I get somewhat on the nasty side. That is why it bothers me that he says up and drinks ALL night. AH does not go out to drink, he buys it and brings it home. I DONOT pay for any of his alcohol. He starts in around 6pm and drinks until about 11pm.. He does the bulk of his drinking while he is cooking dinner. He is drinking on an empty stomach and it hits him rather quickly. I have to get up at 5am to be at work by 7am. When he comes to bed he has to make a lot of noise doing the nightly routine and then snores very loudly. I don't get much sleep, so I am tired... this means I am angry. Image that. I try to be civil but sometimes my emotions get the best of me and I just go off... I do the name calling thing which I know is not the right thing to do... As of today, my goal is let him live his life and I will live mine. I will be pulling out the air mattress I am not sure if I will make him sleep on it, he has the problem not me, why should I have to give up my bed? of if I will just sleep on it til I buy a bed for me. I did tell him today that if he got passing out drunk on Monday or Wednesday nights he would have to take her to dialysis... She is his responsibility not mine, I have enough on my plate with my parents, I do not need to take on his responsibilities...He said he knew he had been drinking too much and was going to do better... Well he has fallen down the steps twice tonight... I did not help him up either... and was calling the doggies to come in... they were already in and he could barely make it up the steps to go to bed... So I am assuming he is watching it real close :-)
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