Angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Angry
I have been on this forum for years and then went away and started under a new name because separated AH knew I use this site and figured out my name and attempted to throw things in my face that I had posted about.
Anyway, I am 7 months separated from AH and I am still as angry as ever. He has already moved on and in a relationship with the enabling girl he cheated on me with. I go to Alanon, attending counseling but I still have trouble of letting go of this resentment. I was such a loyal wife to him through his attempts at sobriety, etc...I feel so angry that he abandoned us, our family, left me in a financial mess.
We cannot even get along when it comes to coparenting. He is so unreasonable but I know...I shouldn't expect reason from an active A.
As I look toward 2013 I want a better life for myself and my children but I don't see how I get there. I feel as if I am just as angry as I was on day 1. I need support...I need someone on the other side of this to tell me that I will one day be happy again and that I am doing the right thing by keeping my children out of this alcoholic household. How is the man that was the center of this family and my heart now such a callous stranger??? I am hurting so much and nobody understands my pain. I need someone to tell me he is in dysfunction still and not in this happy relationship that he flaunts in my face and in front of our children.
I need to let go and I don't know how.
Anyway, I am 7 months separated from AH and I am still as angry as ever. He has already moved on and in a relationship with the enabling girl he cheated on me with. I go to Alanon, attending counseling but I still have trouble of letting go of this resentment. I was such a loyal wife to him through his attempts at sobriety, etc...I feel so angry that he abandoned us, our family, left me in a financial mess.
We cannot even get along when it comes to coparenting. He is so unreasonable but I know...I shouldn't expect reason from an active A.
As I look toward 2013 I want a better life for myself and my children but I don't see how I get there. I feel as if I am just as angry as I was on day 1. I need support...I need someone on the other side of this to tell me that I will one day be happy again and that I am doing the right thing by keeping my children out of this alcoholic household. How is the man that was the center of this family and my heart now such a callous stranger??? I am hurting so much and nobody understands my pain. I need someone to tell me he is in dysfunction still and not in this happy relationship that he flaunts in my face and in front of our children.
I need to let go and I don't know how.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
IMHO, it takes a long, long time to not need to hear that "he" is/has a problem. He may very well be spectacularly dysfunctional. What's more important is YOU. Whether he is or is not any given thing, you can be peaceful and loving to yourself.
I'm almost a year gone from a 20 year relationship. Not easy. I struggle still. But at least intellectually, I know that my worth does not depend on anyone but me.
Sorry for your pain. Breathe, read, pray, sleep, exercise, see good friends. I wish you peace and serenity.
I'm almost a year gone from a 20 year relationship. Not easy. I struggle still. But at least intellectually, I know that my worth does not depend on anyone but me.
Sorry for your pain. Breathe, read, pray, sleep, exercise, see good friends. I wish you peace and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
Alcholic's do not love and feel the way we do. It's hard for us to understand this. I'm still struggling with it. His love is the bottle. Only until he hits rock bottom and realizes himself that he needs help will he understand what he has lost. I understand what it feels like that you've tried so hard and he just throws it away like no big deal. He's incapable of having feelings. Be proud of yourself! I'm proud of you. Your children are proud too.
You have done all you could do....let 2013 be the year for you and your children!
Take care of yourself 😄
You have done all you could do....let 2013 be the year for you and your children!
Take care of yourself 😄
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I read this somewhere, cannot remember where:
" It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. The biggest wall you must climb is the one you have built in your mind. If you don’t control your attitude, then it will control you. Negative feelings are like weeds; if you don’t fully extract their roots, they will keep coming back. So take control of your destiny. Believe in yourself."
Anger does serve a purpose for awhile, then like acid, it will eat you from the inside out.
If you want a better 2013, make the past with your ex a guidepost, not a hitching post, he has moved on, it is up to you to do the same.
" It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see. The biggest wall you must climb is the one you have built in your mind. If you don’t control your attitude, then it will control you. Negative feelings are like weeds; if you don’t fully extract their roots, they will keep coming back. So take control of your destiny. Believe in yourself."
Anger does serve a purpose for awhile, then like acid, it will eat you from the inside out.
If you want a better 2013, make the past with your ex a guidepost, not a hitching post, he has moved on, it is up to you to do the same.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
iamthird-
I also started dealing with the drinking when an affair entered the picture. I am just shy of two years from being divorced and 2.5 years from when it all hit the fan.
One of the best things I did for myself was be gentle about time. Affair recovery work says it takes at least 2-5 years to recover....I am finding that time frame to be about right. I don't know about when alcohol is in the mix but the alcohol was harder for me to deal with truthfully. My ex married the woman he had an affair with shortly after we divorced.
It also said anger for an affair hits usually between 4months and a year. That was about my personal time frame (and I cycle through it now) as per the grief cycle.
I have found that 2012 has been less about feeling bad but I have not yet turned the corner to feeling good. The pain is not as intense any longer but it is only the last few months that I have set firm boundaries with extended family and mutual friends about us.
It is a process and takes time...please be easy on yourself. 2013 for me is the year I am going to start feeling good.
I also started dealing with the drinking when an affair entered the picture. I am just shy of two years from being divorced and 2.5 years from when it all hit the fan.
One of the best things I did for myself was be gentle about time. Affair recovery work says it takes at least 2-5 years to recover....I am finding that time frame to be about right. I don't know about when alcohol is in the mix but the alcohol was harder for me to deal with truthfully. My ex married the woman he had an affair with shortly after we divorced.
It also said anger for an affair hits usually between 4months and a year. That was about my personal time frame (and I cycle through it now) as per the grief cycle.
I have found that 2012 has been less about feeling bad but I have not yet turned the corner to feeling good. The pain is not as intense any longer but it is only the last few months that I have set firm boundaries with extended family and mutual friends about us.
It is a process and takes time...please be easy on yourself. 2013 for me is the year I am going to start feeling good.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
Iamthird.
I could have written that exact post....the only difference is that I only left four months ago, but everything else is the same. Same devoted loyal wife, same cheating husband, same new enabling awesome girlfriend. Same new callous man that I don't even know.
I just keep telling myself that more will be revealed. He has currently spent a ton of money on our children over the holidays (he could have cared less to see them before) and then made sure the whole darn town knew that he spent a ton of money. Apparently money means he is great and I find that to be frustrating....I just don't understand why people can't see what I see.
Sending you happy thoughts....
I could have written that exact post....the only difference is that I only left four months ago, but everything else is the same. Same devoted loyal wife, same cheating husband, same new enabling awesome girlfriend. Same new callous man that I don't even know.
I just keep telling myself that more will be revealed. He has currently spent a ton of money on our children over the holidays (he could have cared less to see them before) and then made sure the whole darn town knew that he spent a ton of money. Apparently money means he is great and I find that to be frustrating....I just don't understand why people can't see what I see.
Sending you happy thoughts....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hugs, iamthird.
I know the anger. When I first read Codependent No More, I was annoyed the whole way through until I hit the chapter on anger. OH! I'm ANGRY! Woah! Wow, am I ANGRY!
I'm not normally an angry person, and I hadn't been paying attention enough to identify just what I was feeling. But, that chapter slammed into me. That was me. And, you know what? I owned it. I was mad. At a lot of things, and not just my now XAH. i was mad at myself for allowing so much dysfunction in my life. I had every right to be mad, so i let it be for a while. Honestly, it's been many months, and I'm still processing some of that anger. But, as I begin to take back my own life again... Improving my living situation and my financial affairs... I've begun to let go of some of that anger. His current behavior has less of an effect on me all the time. My life is about me now. And, I have learned so much about myself and my other relationships in the last year, I don't regret this experience. (I can really only say that because I survived the experience though. Otherwise, I think I would have regretted it).
If you are still angry, I think there's a reason for it that you still need to work out, come to terms with, and learn how to establish boundaries to prevent that in the future.
You'll get there. Be patient and gentle with yourself. You deserve it.
More hugs,
Fathom
I know the anger. When I first read Codependent No More, I was annoyed the whole way through until I hit the chapter on anger. OH! I'm ANGRY! Woah! Wow, am I ANGRY!
I'm not normally an angry person, and I hadn't been paying attention enough to identify just what I was feeling. But, that chapter slammed into me. That was me. And, you know what? I owned it. I was mad. At a lot of things, and not just my now XAH. i was mad at myself for allowing so much dysfunction in my life. I had every right to be mad, so i let it be for a while. Honestly, it's been many months, and I'm still processing some of that anger. But, as I begin to take back my own life again... Improving my living situation and my financial affairs... I've begun to let go of some of that anger. His current behavior has less of an effect on me all the time. My life is about me now. And, I have learned so much about myself and my other relationships in the last year, I don't regret this experience. (I can really only say that because I survived the experience though. Otherwise, I think I would have regretted it).
If you are still angry, I think there's a reason for it that you still need to work out, come to terms with, and learn how to establish boundaries to prevent that in the future.
You'll get there. Be patient and gentle with yourself. You deserve it.
More hugs,
Fathom
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Aristotle said: "Anyone can become angry-that is easy. but to be angry with the right person to the right degree at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way - that is not easy."
Anger is a toxic emotion if we continue to brood upon the past wrongs of others. It has been said it is like poison we want to give that person yet we drink it ourselves. At a certain point we must deal with the unforgiveness that is unresovable with the offender in order to find the peace and serenity we need to move on in life.
I found my peace through the steps ... it is completely letting go of what is beyond our control. Life is not fair and while we expect justice it does not mean that we will find in the conventional sense. We find it in ourselves however!
You know the truth! You know the rational and reasonable truth of the past relationship ... what he is "showing" the world is not reality and even if it were... you have to let it go! It is toxic... poison.
Controlling our "feeling" the emotional side of ourselves is a mastery that sets us free... truly free.
You are on a journey... an exciting journey.
A sponsor and the steps are what set me free from my toxic childhood and poor emotional IQ. I now accept what I cannot change and am at peace.
Trudging the path to the mountaintop is hard work...but worth it. He sure ain't worth suffering the poison!
Anger is a toxic emotion if we continue to brood upon the past wrongs of others. It has been said it is like poison we want to give that person yet we drink it ourselves. At a certain point we must deal with the unforgiveness that is unresovable with the offender in order to find the peace and serenity we need to move on in life.
I found my peace through the steps ... it is completely letting go of what is beyond our control. Life is not fair and while we expect justice it does not mean that we will find in the conventional sense. We find it in ourselves however!
You know the truth! You know the rational and reasonable truth of the past relationship ... what he is "showing" the world is not reality and even if it were... you have to let it go! It is toxic... poison.
Controlling our "feeling" the emotional side of ourselves is a mastery that sets us free... truly free.
You are on a journey... an exciting journey.
A sponsor and the steps are what set me free from my toxic childhood and poor emotional IQ. I now accept what I cannot change and am at peace.
Trudging the path to the mountaintop is hard work...but worth it. He sure ain't worth suffering the poison!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
DO something special for yourself and celebrate you! I am alone tonight too - well not really I am celebrated 2013 with Extreme the Greyhound! You will get through this as I will - we just need to give it time - easier said then done right but we can do this! 2013 is gonna be better for you - I know it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Sevierville, Tennnessee
Posts: 9
I feel your pain!
Originally Posted by iamthird 
I have been on this forum for years and then went away and started under a new name because separated AH knew I use this site and figured out my name and attempted to throw things in my face that I had posted about.
Anyway, I am 7 months separated from AH and I am still as angry as ever. He has already moved on and in a relationship with the enabling girl he cheated on me with. I go to Alanon, attending counseling but I still have trouble of letting go of this resentment. I was such a loyal wife to him through his attempts at sobriety, etc...I feel so angry that he abandoned us, our family, left me in a financial mess.
We cannot even get along when it comes to coparenting. He is so unreasonable but I know...I shouldn't expect reason from an active A.
As I look toward 2013 I want a better life for myself and my children but I don't see how I get there. I feel as if I am just as angry as I was on day 1. I need support...I need someone on the other side of this to tell me that I will one day be happy again and that I am doing the right thing by keeping my children out of this alcoholic household. How is the man that was the center of this family and my heart now such a callous stranger??? I am hurting so much and nobody understands my pain. I need someone to tell me he is in dysfunction still and not in this happy relationship that he flaunts in my face and in front of our children.
I need to let go and I don't know how.
Anyway, I am 7 months separated from AH and I am still as angry as ever. He has already moved on and in a relationship with the enabling girl he cheated on me with. I go to Alanon, attending counseling but I still have trouble of letting go of this resentment. I was such a loyal wife to him through his attempts at sobriety, etc...I feel so angry that he abandoned us, our family, left me in a financial mess.
We cannot even get along when it comes to coparenting. He is so unreasonable but I know...I shouldn't expect reason from an active A.
As I look toward 2013 I want a better life for myself and my children but I don't see how I get there. I feel as if I am just as angry as I was on day 1. I need support...I need someone on the other side of this to tell me that I will one day be happy again and that I am doing the right thing by keeping my children out of this alcoholic household. How is the man that was the center of this family and my heart now such a callous stranger??? I am hurting so much and nobody understands my pain. I need someone to tell me he is in dysfunction still and not in this happy relationship that he flaunts in my face and in front of our children.
I need to let go and I don't know how.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
I had a great deal of anger before we separated. i felt angry all the time and I often did not even know why . After we separated I was sad and hurt-I'm sure those are your emotions as well. Perhaps the anger is protecting you from those emotions but you eventually have to feel all of them. Anger can protect us but it can also alienate us. You recognize it as something you want to change. Ask yourself, when you feel angry why it is you feel that way. I discovered that many time my anger was really another strong emotion. Anger was familiar. The other emotions were not.
Another thing that worked for me when I imagined he was having a fabulous life without me and taken up with someone else was to really think about the things that I did not miss and think about her having to put up with it now. Things like the way he played the same songs over and over again. The way he left a mess in the kitchen after drinking. The smell the morning after. The always being late because he would not get up on time. I try to remember these things when I miss him the most and I do appreciate the freedom and serenity I have now in my life. Good luck to you. It is a difficult process. Make this year about enjoying yourself and your children.
Another thing that worked for me when I imagined he was having a fabulous life without me and taken up with someone else was to really think about the things that I did not miss and think about her having to put up with it now. Things like the way he played the same songs over and over again. The way he left a mess in the kitchen after drinking. The smell the morning after. The always being late because he would not get up on time. I try to remember these things when I miss him the most and I do appreciate the freedom and serenity I have now in my life. Good luck to you. It is a difficult process. Make this year about enjoying yourself and your children.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by jamaicamecrazy
Things like the way he played the same songs over and over again. The way he left a mess in the kitchen after drinking. The smell the morning after. The always being late because he would not get up on time.
Never getting up on time to get to work.
In the last nearly 4 months since I made him leave I know he has been absent from work MORE THAN 18+ days. Can you imagine? He used to use the kids as an excuse to not go to work to nurse his binge hangovers: "Can't be at work today, the kids are sick with a stomach virus". AND WHEN HE SENT THOSE EMAILS HIS KIDS WERE ON THE BUS ON THEIR WAY TO SCHOOL. He used not only me but his kids. What a F*cking F*cking F*ck!
The wasted energy pleading with him to get up to go to work; to stop drinking, it's late, to stop playing loud music, it's late; to go to bed and STFU; to not cook, you are drunk. And he ALWAYS just did whatever he wanted to do.
Hey here's a You tube clip I like, the singer sings about F*cking F*cking F*cks:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Sorry for your pain.
I was angry for a good few years after my husband ran off with my best mate & me & the kids lost our home to them.
For 2 years (& still occasionally now) I had nightmares about it all.
I hated that I was angry.
It did pass eventually but it took a very long time.
Anger is part of the grieving process.
The end of a 20 yr relationship for me did take a long time.
I was angry for a good few years after my husband ran off with my best mate & me & the kids lost our home to them.
For 2 years (& still occasionally now) I had nightmares about it all.
I hated that I was angry.
It did pass eventually but it took a very long time.
Anger is part of the grieving process.
The end of a 20 yr relationship for me did take a long time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
I feel better knowing my anger is normal and warranted and I will do my best to understand where it comes from. Im alone with kids here on New Years Day and I realize I have everything and he is the one missing these precious moments. I am going to make 2013 my year.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by iamthird
I feel better knowing my anger is normal and warranted and I will do my best to understand where it comes from. Im alone with kids here on New Years Day and I realize I have everything and he is the one missing these precious moments. I am going to make 2013 my year.
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