Justshy

I've been reading posts for a few days now, this is my first time posting. I have no idea what to do. My husband of 16 years has always drank, but it became extreme about 4 years ago (the same time it came out that he was having an affair). We moved past the affair (I think) but his drinking increased.to make a long story short, the past month has been the worst. He drank all day at work then would head to the bar and not come home until after midnight. Each morning he would promise our kids that he would be home, but he would never show up until late. Finally, his luck ran out almost 2 weeks ago and he was in a minor accident and charged with a DUI. Things went from bad to worse and 3 days later he was involved in another fender bender and he agreed to go to a local rehab/detox facility the next day. He was there for 3 days and is currently in a day program and also attends AA meetings each day. I completely understand that he needs to work on getting himself better, but I am also concerned about our relationship. For the past month he has told me everyday that he wants a divorce, then the next morning says it was just the alcohol talking. His parents came to town the day after he left rehab and he has been stayin with them and our kids in a hotel and basically refusing to see me (saying I am negative, an enabler, and codependent). I understand he is learning all of these new things in the meetings, but it also seems like he is just looking to blame me. He said he doesn't thing he should come home to this "negative" environment and wants to get an apartment to "work on himself". This seems drastic and unfair. How does he know how things will be at home if he hasn't been here "undrunk"? Yes, ideally I want him to come home, work his program and us live happily ever after as a family. I know I'm not very patient and I feel like I should be "doing" something proactive, rather than moping around waiting to see what happens. Suggestions?

Tuffgirl

Welcome, justshy, to the crazy train ride of addictions. In my experience, it doesn't end with stopping drinking either. Read as much as you can about alcoholism and its effects on the brain and psychology of people. Much damage has been done that will need lots of time to heal. A lot of "quacking" happens in early sobriety like it does when they are drinking (search the term here for lots of funny threads on what quacking means).

My only suggestion to you is to take this time to work on yourself. You've been through a lot, too...don't you deserve your own recovery? Alcoholism is a family disease, after all. Have you tried Al-Anon? A personal therapist?

Keep reading and keep coming back,
~T

Recovering2

If he's "blaming" you then he hasn't learned all there is to learn in treatment. Stopping the blame game is a big part of it. Only HE is responsible for his drinking, and his recovery. YOU are not responsible. You didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it. So don't listen to the blame, it's the A's way of avoiding responsibility.
He may be right in not coming home however. If he is still involved in what's called "stinkin thinkin" it won't help to be in the same space together. And you need your space for your own recovery.
My gut tells me he is a long way from being recovered. He is sober right now, but that's different than recovery. Take what he says with a grain of salt. Keep your focus right now on you, not him. Self care. Go to AlAnon, write here, take care of yourself. I wish you the best.

Carol Star

Alanon saved me. It helped me get a grip on the thinking and actions of the alcoholic and it helped me change the only thing I could- Me.