They just took my A to the hospital
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"Honestly, I'm kind of afraid of him. He hasn't hit me in a few years, but he has hit me before. Enough to make me walk on eggshells around him. God, I can't believe I've been DOING that, how stupid. Writing it makes me realize how ridiculous my life has been."
Yes, I agree, however, the most important thing is that you are now going to make a change, no one should live in fear, no one has the right to physically abuse another, this is a real deal breaker, be safe, do whatever it takes.
Yes, I agree, however, the most important thing is that you are now going to make a change, no one should live in fear, no one has the right to physically abuse another, this is a real deal breaker, be safe, do whatever it takes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 21
I just had a long talk with his mom and she was very supportive, so that's good. I also emailed C and told her A was in the hospital and that he was a serious, long-term alcoholic. At least she knows.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
It is healthy for you to set your boundaries, and insist they be respected. So if you don't want him home while he's actively drinking or in another reship, then he doesn't come home. Period! "No." is a complete sentence. When you say no, you don't need to justify/explain/rationalize. You get to just say "no" and leave it at that.
I would not call his family. I learned that when dealing with my ABF. I tried to reach out, only to have him twist my words and play on their sympathies. I ended up the bad guy.....they didn't believe me....right up until the day he went into treatment. I also looked back and asked myself how I put up with things when they were so bad. My counselor explained that just as the A builds a high level of tolerance to the alcohol, we build a high level of tolerance to the behaviors.
I would call the hospital and ask to speak with a Social Worker about your husband. Give that person the contact numbers they can use at discharge...and give instructions that you are NOT to be contacted to pick him up.
If you're worried about physical contact, get an order of protection and change your locks. Take care of you first and foremost. He won't change if he doesn't have to. No consequence = No change
I would not call his family. I learned that when dealing with my ABF. I tried to reach out, only to have him twist my words and play on their sympathies. I ended up the bad guy.....they didn't believe me....right up until the day he went into treatment. I also looked back and asked myself how I put up with things when they were so bad. My counselor explained that just as the A builds a high level of tolerance to the alcohol, we build a high level of tolerance to the behaviors.
I would call the hospital and ask to speak with a Social Worker about your husband. Give that person the contact numbers they can use at discharge...and give instructions that you are NOT to be contacted to pick him up.
If you're worried about physical contact, get an order of protection and change your locks. Take care of you first and foremost. He won't change if he doesn't have to. No consequence = No change
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Oh Gosh - I hate hearing that you are scared of him that is a terrible way to live.
I wouldn't pick his ass up at the hospital if it meant I'd go to jail. I hope he is in for a couple of days and it gives you time to figure things out.
I wouldn't pick his ass up at the hospital if it meant I'd go to jail. I hope he is in for a couple of days and it gives you time to figure things out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
I'd like to suggest the "other women syndrome thread" . It was enlightening to say the least (for me anyway). Also..I understand being fearful. I would minimize the impact it was having on me just in case I didn't leave..just so I didn't tarnish others' opinions of him..their opinions of me. I hope you find solace here..I most certainly have. Peace be with you.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Hello, MarliMac. I am very sorry you are dealing with all this mayhem right now. Gosh, that's a lot.
As I certainly understand where the other posters on this thread are coming from, i want to point out a few things to consider before making your next move.
- You are dealing with an abuser here so the 'normal' rules don't apply. When dealing with an abuser, you should never purposely enflame the situation. It is highly advised to keep things calm while you go quietly about making YOUR plans to leave.
- You most likely do not have the legal right to kick him out and change the locks. The home you share is his legal residence and he has as much right to be there as you do. I believe that nothing short of a restraining order, legal separation and/or divorce judgement can force him to leave the house.
- I could be wrong, but since the physical violence took place long ago, I don't think you'd have grounds for obtaining a restraining order at this time. You could call the police station and inquire about that. Did you file a report and was he arrested the last time he hit you?
- If you are afraid, the best thing you can do is leave. But you have to do it safely. If you can't leave at this time, then it is best to consult a DV counselor and an attorney. The DV counselor will help you come up with a safety plan as well as help re-build your self-esteem, and an attorney will keep you advised of your legal rights and file necessary papers.
Stay calm, think things through, and PLEASE seek counseling.
There are many useful stickies to be read here on the subject of abuse. Please read them.
A DV counselor can be reached by phone at 800-799-SAFE.
As I certainly understand where the other posters on this thread are coming from, i want to point out a few things to consider before making your next move.
- You are dealing with an abuser here so the 'normal' rules don't apply. When dealing with an abuser, you should never purposely enflame the situation. It is highly advised to keep things calm while you go quietly about making YOUR plans to leave.
- You most likely do not have the legal right to kick him out and change the locks. The home you share is his legal residence and he has as much right to be there as you do. I believe that nothing short of a restraining order, legal separation and/or divorce judgement can force him to leave the house.
- I could be wrong, but since the physical violence took place long ago, I don't think you'd have grounds for obtaining a restraining order at this time. You could call the police station and inquire about that. Did you file a report and was he arrested the last time he hit you?
- If you are afraid, the best thing you can do is leave. But you have to do it safely. If you can't leave at this time, then it is best to consult a DV counselor and an attorney. The DV counselor will help you come up with a safety plan as well as help re-build your self-esteem, and an attorney will keep you advised of your legal rights and file necessary papers.
Stay calm, think things through, and PLEASE seek counseling.
There are many useful stickies to be read here on the subject of abuse. Please read them.
A DV counselor can be reached by phone at 800-799-SAFE.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
The having a girlfriend is a boundary breaker for me- there also is/was the hitting and the active drinking. If it was me- I would go to Alanon and start working the program you wish he would work. Sounds like his disease is progressing and nothing we do will stop it. I guess his primary care doc knows what is going on. Treatment won't work unless he wants it. I would want to live seperate considering the girlfriend. I would talk to his family. I would talk to a lawyer- what are your options? What can you live with ? To your own self be true. I got to the point I could not live with the bull----. I am divorced 5 years and it wasn't easy but I am happy.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by MarliMac 
Thank you so much. All of you at this forum have helped me learn to be strong and stop caretaking for A. I'm kind of thinking of calling his mom and others and letting the cat out of the bag about how serious A's alcoholism really is. Pondering.
Read my history if you want some insight on a very specific case of: "telling his family just how bad his drinking was" and how that turned out........
Long story short: mother went bananas, called him up and told him he was an ignorant fool and he would pay for all the harm he had caused me. he managed to convince his family i was crazy, told them my most intimate secrets that I had foolishly shared with him before knowing he was an alkie. he dumped me. his family turned their backs on me, asked me to never come to their house again, cut me off the family phone plan I was in. he quit drinking for a few months to prove to his family that he did NOT AT ALL have a drinking problem. proceeded to tease me into taking him back, by acting polite, sober, guilt-tripping me for having "ruined his family", calling me a family murderer, and saying he loved me so much that he would be willing to FORGIVE ME *aaaaarrgggghhhhh!!!*
Older mom and dad retired and went back to their country of origin, he never told them he and I had gotten back together, I attempted to stop enabling after months later I realized he was back to his old ways, he dumped me last week. he said he couldn't handle my bitterness, he couldn't continue to lie to his family about "us', i was mentally ill and needed help, and the list goes on.................
i advise that you be sure what you are getting into by telling his family. be ready to walk away forever if they don't respond according to plans. buy a few books filled with information, "UNDER THE INFLUENCE" comes to mind.... present those books to his family, ask them to be patient so you guys can work it out together before confronting him....if you plan on performing an intervention, seek professional help....
but honestly, what I would do, based on personal experience, is walk away and say goodbye forever.......
i send you my best!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 21
Update: So, he's finally gone, this morning. I'm OK.
When he got home from the hospital Sunday afternoon he smashed the glass in the back door because it was locked. Luckily, I was in the next room so I opened the door before he killed himself on the glass. He was in a rage, screaming and threatening. He grabbed my phone, so I went next door and called the cops. He told the cops he wanted me out of the house. They explained that it was my house, too. In the end he sort of calmed down and told the cops that he would stay away from me and that he was leaving on Tuesday.
I'm exhausted from all the tension but OK. I read threads on SR, and even got some smiles from the Quacker thread.
Yesterday we talked briefly. He's going to find an apartment in NJ. We're leaving the finances as they are for now. He'll come back once in a couple of weeks to get the rest of his stuff and some dishes for his apt.
He says he's quitting drinking. He hasn't had any booze as far as I know since Christmas morning.
I don't know what his diagnosis was in the hospital. Because of HIPPA laws, they won't tell me and of course AH pretends it was nothing. He says the doctors told him to see a cardiologist and not to drive until he does. He's ignoring that advice, of course. He says he'll see a cardiologist in NJ. We'll see.
Maybe this is his bottom, who knows. He does seem pretty scared about his health.
I didn't ask about the girlfriend. As far as I'm concerned, he can have her and good riddance, since he isn't living here. I'll be vigilant on the finances and as soon as I suspect he's trying to screw me, I'll file for support. I doubt he will, though, he's really ignorant about anything to do with money and I handle it all, but we shall see.
When he got home from the hospital Sunday afternoon he smashed the glass in the back door because it was locked. Luckily, I was in the next room so I opened the door before he killed himself on the glass. He was in a rage, screaming and threatening. He grabbed my phone, so I went next door and called the cops. He told the cops he wanted me out of the house. They explained that it was my house, too. In the end he sort of calmed down and told the cops that he would stay away from me and that he was leaving on Tuesday.
I'm exhausted from all the tension but OK. I read threads on SR, and even got some smiles from the Quacker thread.
Yesterday we talked briefly. He's going to find an apartment in NJ. We're leaving the finances as they are for now. He'll come back once in a couple of weeks to get the rest of his stuff and some dishes for his apt.
He says he's quitting drinking. He hasn't had any booze as far as I know since Christmas morning.
I don't know what his diagnosis was in the hospital. Because of HIPPA laws, they won't tell me and of course AH pretends it was nothing. He says the doctors told him to see a cardiologist and not to drive until he does. He's ignoring that advice, of course. He says he'll see a cardiologist in NJ. We'll see.
Maybe this is his bottom, who knows. He does seem pretty scared about his health.
I didn't ask about the girlfriend. As far as I'm concerned, he can have her and good riddance, since he isn't living here. I'll be vigilant on the finances and as soon as I suspect he's trying to screw me, I'll file for support. I doubt he will, though, he's really ignorant about anything to do with money and I handle it all, but we shall see.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Thank you for the update -- I am sorry to hear he broke the glass to get in and was so upset, but I am very glad for you that he is gone.
Wishing you strength and sending you hugs as you navigate the waters of the separation, though it sounds like you have a terrific head on your shoulders.
Wishing you strength and sending you hugs as you navigate the waters of the separation, though it sounds like you have a terrific head on your shoulders.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for an update on you! I'm glad you are okay.
In separating from an alcoholic (even if he is no longer drinking, today), I found it best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
When it came to our finances, I had a separate account that he did not have access to. I made sure by having blocks on the account so that it can not be accessed by phone (he knew my SS#, my DOB, my maiden name, etc).
If you have money in a joint account, he may wipe out those funds. He is on the account. If you have money he can touch, prepare for the worst from an alocoholic who is losing his enabler!
Stay safe!
In separating from an alcoholic (even if he is no longer drinking, today), I found it best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
When it came to our finances, I had a separate account that he did not have access to. I made sure by having blocks on the account so that it can not be accessed by phone (he knew my SS#, my DOB, my maiden name, etc).
If you have money in a joint account, he may wipe out those funds. He is on the account. If you have money he can touch, prepare for the worst from an alocoholic who is losing his enabler!
Stay safe!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 21
Well, since he only got his green card a couple of months ago, EVERYTHING is in my name. I have accounts I can move money around in that he can't access and I can keep tabs on everything he spends. I can even shut off his phone if I want, lol. He's always been happy for me to do all the money stuff as long as he could lay on the couch and drink himself into oblivion whenever he wanted. (Every night.)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Originally Posted by MarliMac
Well, since he only got his green card a couple of months ago, EVERYTHING is in my name. I have accounts I can move money around in that he can't access and I can keep tabs on everything he spends. I can even shut off his phone if I want, lol. He's always been happy for me to do all the money stuff as long as he could lay on the couch and drink himself into oblivion whenever he wanted. (Every night.)
How these A's are able to twist up so many bright and strong women, myself included, is baffling...
it is a cunning disease.
It looks like your life is about to change!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 21
You know, I just realized how much worse everything got after he got his green card and didn't need me anymore. He had his final interview in September and I had to be there for that. It took him about a month or so to find his girlfriend after that. The drinking got worse, he would come home on Friday and start as soon as he walked in the door and drink the weekend away. When he would leave on Monday morning he was bleary-eyed and reeked of vodka, you know how when they're so saturated with booze that their skin even stinks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 21
You know what else is sad? I was just thinking about what "stuff" I would pack for him. Some clothes in a dresser, a few in the closet and....??? Nothing else, really. He did nothing but drink. He wasn't interested in anything but drinking and internet porn and playing Civ on his computer. All those things could be done on the couch with his vodka bottle at his side. No hobbies (which is why I was surprised when he announced he was playing bridge in NJ.) He never mowed or gardened or did anything around the house. No power tools. Nothing in the garage is his, just my lawn and gardening stuff.
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