ohwright

I am incredibly scared and alone right now. My husband has been struggling with alcohol abuse for many years. I was his drinking buddy for most of them, so I am not innocent, but I realized that it wasn't normal when I found bottles he had hid around the house, and bottles of wine that were half empty the night before were gone between when we went to bed and before he went to work the next morning. I love my husband. It pains me to feel so much hatred toward him for not getting his drinking under control and the lies about it are just as bad or worse than the drinking. He calls me crazy when I call him out on his drinking. I get soo angry. I feel helpless, and hopeless.

We were trying to conceive over the last 2 years when he began counseling and gained some control over the drinking. I had a miscarriage 2 months ago, and he continues to hurt me and himself with the abuse of alcohol. I told him last night that I didn't know how much more I could take. He knows I am struggling with the loss of our child, and puts more pain on me by drinking.

Last night after i found him passed out with a bottle of whiskey. I said separation seems to be the only way to go right now. I love him so much, but feel so much anger and betrayal at the same time. This is so painful. I've never felt so much pain and loneliness in my life, and I've had plenty. I just needed to share with others that have gone through the same situation, and maybe find some hope out there somewhere. He's an amazing husband when he's sober. I fear he can't overcome this problem and I'll have to choose a miserable lonely life without a family of my own. I don't know how I can ever be happy again.

redatlanta

Ohwright - Welcome to SR but sorry why you are here.

I came here looking for the magic pill to make my relapsing AH stop drinking and instead found recovery for myself. First, I truly learned about alcoholism and secondly I began going to Al Anon.

AH is now RAH - almost 2 months. There is hope for you - whether or not there is for your relationship and AH getting sober no one can say - sobriety is 100% up to him. I can tell you that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Sorry for what you are going through I know the miscarriage was terribly painful and with your AH drinking problems things are probably overwhelming you.

Lots of wonderful people here - post often and read, read, read. Al Anon would be a great place for you......

dollydo

Welcome...I am not telling you what to do, however, sometimes it's better to just move on. Addicts make lousy parents, and a child should never be raised in a home were addiction is present.

You sound young, there can be a future for you, with a non addicted man.

I am sorry about your child, unfortunately, as long as he is drinking, he will never be mentally present to console or support you. He has a disease that has no cure, and without a strong recovery program he will get worse, this is a progressive disease.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, knowledge is power, you need to understand what you are dealing with and how his disease will adversely affect your relationship. Love does not conquer all, and when addiction is present, there is only one person in the relationship, the other is busy wooing their first love...their DOC.

sesh

So sorry you're going through this.
I know it feels like you can not be happy ever again, but life is a strange thing, and it has a habit of teaching us great lessons through painful experiences.
I have been to hell and back, lived through so many things I rather not remember, but I can tell you I am a very happy woman today. It is as they say one step at the time, one breath at the time.
This place has been a life saver for me. I have learned a lot here, and I found my way to the happier life, it wasn't as I imagined it to be, but from what I know now and from who I am now, I can tell you it is ever better.
It is all up to you, what you decide to do.
I strongly advise you to stick around and give this place a chance, read as much as you can, write all that you're feeling and your journey will begin. It might not feel so for a while, but trust me it will.
If there is one thing I truly learned that has helped me move forward, it is that life is only what you make of it, and there is always a choice.

I wish you well

ZiggyB

Hi,
I am sorry... your story sounds a lot like mine in some ways. I did drink sometimes with axbf, but I found bottles hidden too... if there was a half empty bottle of wine in the fridge it would be finished by the time I got up in the morning. He would be out with his friends getting drunk on martinis and forget all about me or accidentally "fall asleep." He was always at the bar in the evenings spending lots of money and smoking, which were things he told me he wouldn't do. About 6 months ago we broke up. I got angry and tired of it. I felt totally helpless too. It didn't end the way I wanted it to, with him quitting drinking and us living happily ever after. He was an amazing man too when he wasn't drinking and being verbally abusive, unreliable and negligent.... It was a terrible grieving process but I think I am truly in a better place now.

I hope you find yourself in a better place soon. Maybe check out some Al-anon meetings to help you cope.

ziggy

thislonelygirl

Lonely girl here. Lol.
I 100 percent understand the loneliness.
I also understand how when mourning happens the a is off in their own world and instead of leaning on them we are forced to lean on ourselves. Its not fair to be with someone and feel so isolated in the relationship because their relationship is with the bottle.
I hope everything works out for you in the end and I am sorry for the loss of your child.
As a parent regardless when and how....that loss is a devastating one.

Tuffgirl

Welcome, ohwright. First of all - "innocent" means nothing here. It's ok for adults to drink. I drank with my X-alcoholic husband. I am not an alcoholic, but he was (is). Wasn't my fault I could control drinking and he couldn't. I still drink today, and I don't feel ashamed nor guilty about it.

Secondly, making you feel crazy for calling him out on his addictive behavior is a common tactic for addicts. Here's a popular site for a good description of how addicts protect their addictions: Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Lastly, I am very sorry for the loss of your baby. You are grieving, be gentle with yourself. And take good care of yourself. Keep coming back!
~T

PippiLngstockng

I had a miscarriage 7 years ago. Even with 3 children, I experienced a very difficult sense of loss that no one could understand except others who'd had a miscarriage themselves. My AH made it so much worse though. This episode set him to drinking more and fighting with me. I began to see that my husband's behaviors were worsening and I decided not to have another child.

2 months later my AH came home under the influence. Even though I was supposed to wait on getting pregnant for another 2 months, my AH wasn't in his right mind and I conceived that night.

I welcome my little girl and each moment with her is an absolute joy!!!!!

However, there has been so much trouble in my relationship with STBXAH and now her siblings are going through a lot as a result, I am afraid she is at 6 seeing some rough times that I can't prtoect her completely from. My heart breaks for my children.

It is no pleasure having children with an actively drinking and abusive spouse. I long to free us from him and I am doing everything I can but their father is hell bent to fill their heads with lies so that they think that I am difficult and crazy rather than seeing that their father is manipulating, lying and abusing me.

I know having a miscarriage is a lonely and painful experience. It is an incredible blessing to have a child. But maybe your miscarriage was God's way of postponing your child's arrival until you get both of you to a better place.