Redheadsusie

today I am angry..... angry that AH texted me and said thank you for waking me up - now I am seeing my daughters, now I am working out- now I am trying to get myself straight. He has no obligations financially now- can do what he wants - no family to answer to- life is good he says. I want this separation - I know the road won't be easy - but I don't want to be angry- I understand it for what it is I think- I am pissed at myself- I gave this man 13 years of my life and over and over and over again he said I will get straight and I trusted that. Dumb ass me right? I am truly happy he is trying and I really want him to be ok in my heart - but also I m not getting younger - I am 48 - never thought I would be without a partner at this age or maybe forever. I have always supported myself so that is nothing new - and when AH was here he was just a jerk most of the time and yelled at me when I asked for any help with anything or tried to have adult conversations. If he had to pay for 1/3 of a utility bill ( that is all he would pay) he said I stole all his money. Anyway- I am reading codependent no more- relying on faith- and my family. I think I am uspet because my youngest and I looked at colleges yesterday and I am realizing come Fall I will be alone (except for the wonderful Greyhound Extreme). That scares the heck out of me - but truly I was alone with AH so why am I upset. This too shall pass ( I hope) . Damnit!

redatlanta

Sweetie - 48 is young.....you have a long life ahead of you.

I'm sorry for your anger it would seem that AH has turned his life around right? No one turns their life around in two days. I hope that he does eventually.

(((hugs))) and this WILL pass,,,,,dammit!

Redheadsusie

I am going to start meetings next week- I have had a therapist and he is awesome. Now I am crying- I feel insane- I hate it! Going to the gym- people will think I am the crazy lady walking the track crying- hopefully I can hold it together. :-(

Bubovski

Hi Susie.
You seem to be having a huge battle with yourself.
Forty eight is quite young; no probbies moving on.
The past is a bucket of ashes unless you keep on stoking.
Did you mean working out at the gym?Thats really good for tension.

dollydo

Hon, I am 65 and live alone, totally by choice. I do not need a man to fullfill me, I like my company. I have many friends and am very active. Yes, I am alone, but not lonely.

I have read up on this topic before as it is a common thread here from the women, most are fearful of being without a man and therefor stay no matter what. I have never been able to wrap my head around that thinking although it has been written that "A women secures her emotional well being/self worth from having a man, a man, from having a good career".

Could be some truth in that statement, I really don't know.

In any case, you are certainly not old and have alot of living to do, take this opportunity to do so.

My best wises for 2013!

LaTeeDa

Feelings aren't facts. You don't have to DO anything with them, other than feel them. I like the visualization of waves. Picture yourself standing on the beach and a wave washes over you. It's powerful and you have to remain steady or it will knock you down. But, if you just stay put, it will recede. That's how feelings are. They can come on strong, but they pass.

L

redatlanta

Susie - When I found out that AH was for sure drinking I was doing a wedding that day - a big one, lots of bridesmaids and the bride of course, several hours. Tears poured all day and I told them I was having allergies. Talk about a buzz kill on a wedding day.

Lord knows what that really thought - sometimes you just need a good cry!

Hope you feel better after the gym

Tuffgirl

Over time, these emotions pass. I am at 8 months out, 4 divorced, and I can honestly say I feel them less often as each day goes by. It just takes time. Try not to force yourself into feeling something just because you think you should. Just learn to be with your emotions.

P.S. I just came home from the grocery store, where the checker was telling me about her husband of 30 years leaving her for a much, much younger personal trainer. I had never seen her before, didn't know her, but she felt compelled to tell me this story. So you are not the only "crazy" lady out there in the world today, feeling scorned and bitter. It happens; you'll bounce back, and all will be ok eventually.

me01

I really do know how u feel but i never gave my ex partner that long but after a year and half i feel so low in my life at the min coz we are both in recovery but mine is cociane and his is drink ive been clean since last october but since then he as relapse 3 times and i jst feel i'm at my wits end with him coz i've always been there for him and when i needed him the most he wasn't there i understand he is at a bad place rite now but on the 21/12/12 i found the courage to walk away coz my mother is goin in hospital in jan to give my father a kidney transplant so i need to be strong and stay clean then a few days later he rang me and told me he was in hospital coz he as tried to take his own life and me silly ass goes running, my heart runing away with my self again, jst feel lost and cant find away out xx

Redheadsusie

Thank you so much for the words of support - I didn't cry at the gym so that is good - had a great walk and that was good too. I need to just take it one day at a time and keep moving forward! I do not want to go backwards- I have done that too many times and it got me nowhere! You guys are awesome!

Rosiepetal

Hi Susie
So sorry you're struggling but yes it will pass but noone can speed up the clock of recovery.
I was angry for about 3 years after 20yr marriage split.
It's an adjustment in life & it will be better for you eventually, I promise.
You can parent on your own too, don't worry about that.
Hugs, hang in there.
:ghug3