julee39

Hello, I am not sure if I am in the right place or not. I am the mother of an 18 year old daughter who seems to have an alcohol problem.
We had her move out about 4 months ago due to many issues, disrespect, not being willing to look for a job or go to school, basically being non productive and irresponsible. She came home drunk once and urinated in her brothers garbage can, was staying out for days etc.
After she left she evidently began drinking constantly. Instead of trying to make herself a better person and wake up like I had hoped, she basically sunk!
I watched all of this on her facebook, daily self reports on facebook of all of the shots she had etc.
She came home for Thanksgiving and my husband and I thought we would give her another chance. We told her she could stay with us as long as she was responsible and looked for a job and did NOT drink! The first weekend she went out, she got drunk and told us how some friends had lured her out to a bonfire and she was the only that was drunk and they had began to kick her and threaten to throw her into the fire. She doesn't remember any of this but this is what her friends told her. At that point we told her she was to be home by 10 pm IF she was to go out at all and that if she ever came home drunk she would have to move out.
Well, she put in minimal effort to find a job, and a few times when she came home, my husband thought she was tipsy but we gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Last night she went out and when 10 came around, she did not come home. I waited up worried. I looked at her cell phone account and there was no activity on her phone after 8 pm. I waited up until 2 am when she came home. She was drunk! She had no idea where her phone was. She tried to deny drinking but she was very drunk! Then she admitted to taking a few shots. I told her to go to bed.
This morning I told her she needed to leave by Saturday. I have a 4 year old, 8 year old and 16 year old at home as well. I cannot have her continuing her destructive behavior, coming home drunk, putting the kids at risk. I slept with my door open last night as she threatened to cut herself.
I did a lot of soul searching and web searching and when I came across posts from parents of teens with alcoholism it fit! Is it still alcoholism if she is not physically addicted? It seems that she likes drinking and once she starts she cannot stop. BUT, she can go weeks without it.
When she woke up this morning her wrist is all swollen and she had no recollection of what happened. I tried to get her to see that this all could have been avoided if she had just NOT drank!
I know I have written a book here, I just need support. I feel so guilty, but I will not enable her any longer!

redatlanta

Alcoholism has many different faces - it doesn't have to be someone who drinks 24/7. Many alcoholics can go for periods of time without drinking - there is a difference between alcoholism and alcohol abuse. I cannot tell you whether your daughter is an alcoholic but she does seem to have issues with alcohol.

Kudos to you for not enabling - there will be others along who have kids that can give you more advice on how to handle the situation.

Welcome to the forum and sorry this is going on!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason you are here. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you, and we understand.

At the top of the forum pages are Sticky Posts. The Stickies are older, permanent posts that are preserved for future readings based on the wisdom they contain. I am always finding encouragement when I read the Stickies.

I would like to share a few of my favorite stickies with you.

One that helped me understand more about alcoholism is a post that contains excerpts from the book "Under the Influence". I highly recommend that book! Learning more about the addiction to alcohol and how every cell of the body can be affected helped me understand how powerful the addiction really can be for the addict. Here is the link to the Sticky Post that contains excerpts from that book:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

Another post that helped me learn more about dealing with alcoholism:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I know sending her away is a tough decision. I am sending you encouragement and support!

PohsFriend

You found the right place and Pelicans reading suggestions are super.

I have a 17 year old daughter and shudder at the thought of having to send her away. My qualifier for this group is my beloved wife, she began to get well exactly one year ago when I kicked her out.

Have you looked into al-anon for you? Would she go to rehab voluntarily?

Hang in there and keep the three C's in mind, you did not cause it, cant control it and cant cure it.

Welcome, it sucks that you looked for us but we are glad you fipound us

Recovering2

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but glad you found this site. It has been enormously helpful to me, as I know it will be to you.
Alcoholism doesn't mean you drink every day. Alot of them are bingers. They can go for "dry" periods, then they binge. She is physically addicted if she binges, and especially if she drinks to the point of not remembering. At 18 yrs of age there is time to let her experience the natural consequences of the disease and get help. Kudos for setting boundaries...boundaries create order. Keep those boundaries come Saturday, it may save her life in the end.

julee39

Wow, the tips for family members made me cry! How could I not realize we were here? I guess I just kept telling myself that she was just drinking like any other 18 year old drinks occasionally. But it is becoming clear that this is truly a problem. I don't get how someone can repeatedly drink themselves into oblivion. The patterns described in that post describe what we are dealing with to a T. And it is so nice to have permission to not feel guilty.
Thank you for sharing.

Jody675

i hope your daughter finds her way. when i was in my mid teens i use to binge drink. i use to get so drunk i had no idea where i was or what i was doing. i would vomit, or sleep around, and basically put myself into all sorts of stupid situations. after one particularly stupid night of drinking i realised my stupidity and just stopped. now thats not to say i dont drink socially now, as i do. its also not to say i haven't repeated drinking and done dumb stuff, but in general i am a responsible drinker. i hope your daughter will wake up to herself and realise the direction she is taking will lead to disaster. but it is her choice. but you have done the right thing by not enabling her choices. i hope i am never in your shoes, and i hope if i find myself in them, that i can follow your lead.

thislonelygirl

I believe that may be early stage of alcoholism before the body has been dependant on it.
The longer it goes on the more severe it will get....its progressive and it will become even more apparent.
Effecting every aspect of her life . Her body and her mind.
I am not trying to scare you....just giving you some friendly information.
The bon fire scenerio is scary and worrisome....I once knew an a friemd whos alcoholic parent got drunk and fell into the fire.
If i were to make any suggestions it would be to learn about alcoholism/alcohol abuse ....go to al anon and even if she will (see if shell go to an aa meeting)
If she refuses however let her fail....I know its hard and scary this being your child but
Now is the time more than ever to set and keep boundaries.. dont give her money. Etc and allow her to wake up by her own mistakes. Not from you saving her.
I hope this helps and that she does see herself and her future in the mirror

dollydo

Welcome, I would take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical ones blogs which can be acessed right at the top of this page. Very helpful information at your fingertips.

She is young, by experiencing the consequences of her drinking today, it may save her from a future of addiction. If she is allowed to fall to her knees, she just may stop and seek a recovery program, the sooner this happens the better, but it must be her idea, her desire, not yours, this cannot be forced, it just doesn't work that way.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie or attended Alanon meetings, both may help you to better understand what is going on.

You are very wise to protect your other children from being exposed to her disease.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts, we are here for you.

julee39

You are all so nice! Thank you for your kindness and support!
I mentioned AA to her last night and she said, she didn't need it, she could stop if she wanted to. I told her if she ever changed her mind I would be happy to take her. She just said thank you.
Can I go to alanon meetings if she doesn't go to AA? It is a paired program?

She is leaving today and I appreciate all of your support with my decision. I must say, if it weren't for my husband I wouldn't be so strong. He has put his foot down. I keep thinking maybe if I let her stay she won't drink as much. But then again I will be exposing my other kids to her and causing a whole host of other problems. I also keep thinking back over her life and wondering how I could have caused this. How can I not? Was I too distant? Was I not there for her? If I had looked into counseling for her years ago would this have been avoided?

The sad thing is she is falling exactly into the same footsteps as her biological father. Him and I divorced when she was 3 and I took our 2 kids and moved across the country back home. He had an alcohol problem as well. Could drink and drink. Since then (15 years ago) he has had barely held down a job and has continued in his destructive life. The weird thing is she has only seen him once since we moved. How can she be so like him?
I have never been able to drink much personally. After one or two drinks I feel sick. So this is hard for me to understand.

But I do believe she has deeper issues that she is running from. I have been encouraging her to get counselling so that she can work through those. Sorry for the rambling, this is just so hard. I have to admit it will be somewhat of a relief when she leaves later today and we can get our household back to a routine and won't have the daily arguments and stress.
I am just so afraid she will destroy herself before I can see her again. I am doing some heavy praying!

Pelican

Al Anon is for you, no matter if the Alcoholic in your life is still drinking or not.
Al Anon is for you no matter what the alcoholic in your life chooses to do.
Al Anon is for you for as long as you need the program.

And as a general guideline, it is recommended to try at least 6 meetings to determine if Al Anon is right for you (different meetings if possible in your community).

thislonelygirl

Sorry you are going through this. No this is not something you did or didnt do.
There are still some unanswered questions about alcoholism....different speculations from specislists and some believe that it could be hereditary.
It could be that she does have some issues to work through ....whatever the reason is.
Its not your fault even us who do not have children of alcoholixs must learn the 3 c's
We didnt cause it. We cant cobtrol it and we cant cure it.
I scratched my head in horrible pain wondering why my ah didnt love me enough to stop until I found sr and read how not unique his addiction is. I learned that his addictive behavior was similiar to others and that my feelings were the same as others and when I got the 3 cs down I stopped giving the addiction power over me. Theres nothing I did or can do until he is ready to accept what he must do. I still struggle though as a loved one of an alcoholic. I struggle with my co dependancy too but it helps.
One of the biggest things that liberated me as well was not picking him up when he failed.
Before I was cleaning up his messes . Waking him up before work because he was too drunk to set the alarm or slept through it. Calling him repeatedly when he would dissappear etc

julee39

So, the girl who my daughter was going to stay with is not answering her phone and my daughter can't get a hold of her, she is freaking out thinking this girl changed her mind. Posting things on facebook like things would be better if she weren't around, saying she is going to have to go stay with someone who she knows does a lot of drugs etc.
I know she is trying to make me feel guilty. WHY did this girl have to back out like this? What am I supposed to do now? I am kicking her out on the streets!

thislonelygirl

Julee-
Your daughter finds people to hang with right? She finds people to stay with on days other than today?
She dissapears on you right? For parties etc?
She is probably just being dramatic and trying to manipulate the whole scenerio to stay comfy and cozy at home and shell still drink like she does.
You have to follow through with your threat or it doesnt work. ..she knows what she has to do to stay and I would make it clear that forbher to come back jome or stay home she must go to aa. She must be active in recovery otherwise she is not welcome in the house.

Recovering2

It's not your responsibility to find her a place to stay. They will push all boundaries in order to stay with their drug, they are great manipulators. I pray you stay strong,let her face the natural consequences of her choices. No consequences = No change.