LifeRecovery

I am taking a training and the last weekend we met we talked about the transformation process. It really spoke to me and allowed me to see that so often when we feel the most "stuck" it is when the most growth is happening. I am by no means and expert but I thought I would write out the steps I learned about. They don't always go in exact order, nor do they happen in distinct steps. Sorry for the length of the post.

The other part of this learning that I REALLY related to and appreciated was the fact that when this type of transformation happens 100% of people feel uncomfortable and at some point feel really STUCK. That helped me to hear so much and be kind to myself in my current transformation (which is a big one for me from my childhood).

1. Recognition of difficulty: The person recognizes they are having difficulty.

2. Committment to know: The decision is made to turn toward the difficutly rather than create or strengthen the defensive strategies that have been used previously.

3. Take action on this committment to know: beginning a course of study of the difficulty and the strategies that have been used in the past to keep one stuck, in addition to willingness to study the unknown

4. Shift from the conscious knowing to the unconscious: turning toward what is not known. Being willing to explore the unknown or the unconscious and/or to put the problem into bigger prospective.

5. Understanding: Connecting the past to the new learning. Connecting the stuckness to the learning etc.

6. Acceptance: Moving from "just understanding" to actually accepting the reasonableness of an their beliefs and strategies, regardless of what those around you believe say etc.

7. Appreciation: Being grateful for the learning that is happening....even when it is hard, painful, challenging and offers up many changes (individually and in relationships0.

8. Exploring the new experience: seeing how this new learning changes things from their past, present and future. Trying on the learning and see what happens when it is put into action.

9. Integration: Using the learning consistently in our life. Some rest is often seen in this stage.

For the purposes of this board I will summarize my transformative process with living and loving a problem drinker.

1. After five years married (all of the time with binge drinking behaviors), and the new found information of an affair I finally was able to admit that I was living with a problem drinker/alcoholic

2/3. I was already doing therapy but I started Al-Anon and reading about both affairs and addiction. I started to talk about how the alcohol had impacted me and stopped "blaming" myself for all the problems in the relationship. I started talking about the alcohol and the affair. I insisted on MC with my qualifier.

4/5. I started to talk about how my childhood (with a lot of alcoholism in the extended family) and my family of origin allowed me to be in my relationship with problem drinking for so long without acknowledging it and working on it, and how this relationship (in addition to some others) created the lessons I needed to learn to break out of these patterns.

6. I am still working on this part

7. I was struggling with codependent behaviors from a young age. I had had presented to me many lessons earlier in my life that I could have made changes in my behavior around this but was not able to. I am not grateful for the lessons necessarily, but I am grateful for the learning this has brought for me. I am a more complete human being because of this learning.

8/9 I am still working on this part. I am doing this by seeing how my friendships are changing, I suspect future romantic relationships will change etc. It is changing my work life, it is changing everything.

The holidays can be so challenging and I think New Years with the idea of "transformation" in 24 hours can be too. This helped me to see that it is a process....not something I can do in a day, week or sometimes even a month.

Sorry for the length. Sending out kind thoughts to all of us on the transformation roller coaster.

BtheChange

LifeChange, your post helped me a great deal. I'm just beginning therapy and it's tough but so worth it! I understand the process better after reading this. Much thanks for taking the time to write it all out.

LaTeeDa

I've likened the process to archaeological excavation. You notice a little tiny bit of something you've uncovered, sometimes even by accident. You then take a small brush and begin to uncover a little bit more at a time until you can make out what it is. Then you have to carefully remove it, trying not to do any more damage in the process. Once you've accomplished that, then you notice a tiny corner of something else that inadvertently got uncovered while you were working on the other thing. These are the relics of the past that have been buried in the sediment of the psyche. The more uncovering you do, the more there is to do. Some people compare it to peeling an onion.

It is the most important work I will ever do and I will be doing it the rest of my life.

L

LifeRecovery

The other thing I meant to say was how seeing this helped me to understand why I don't just deal with something once, but often have to come back to it another time.

It is not that I am not healing, it is that I am getting to another level of healing.

Finally another validating point was that in some part of the transformation, the old way of behaving has stopped working, but new ways have not yet solidified either. That was very reassuring to hear that I was not the only one who had had that experience.

Rosiepetal

Thank you for sharing liferecovery, it means a lot.