Newly-sober partner with enabling family
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Newly-sober partner with enabling family
I am wondering if anyone else is in a similar position to me in terms of partners with enabling families.
My partner quit drinking about three weeks ago and we have just successfully got through Christmas, which is an unbelievably big relief. Though this wasn’t without its drama.
First, the other night estranged alcoholic FIL turned up at our house having tracked us down and stood on the road screaming abuse at RABF.
Second, alcoholic BIL has come for an extended visit (he lives in another country), and proceeded to get drunk immediately. He goaded RABF over the two days while we were staying at his mother’s house, trying to get him to drink, saying things like: “This wine is soooooo good” and cheersing him loudly. I’m sure this was just a reflection of what he was saying in their native language, but obviously I only heard what was said in English. He was solidly drunk for the two days we were there until we left. I always knew ABIL would be a problem as he is a problem generally, and I feel perhaps wants RABF to fall back off the wagon to both: 1. make him feel better about his own drinking, and 2. prove that RABF’s affinity is with him and not me.
Third, his mother (who raised her three children with her aforementioned alcoholic husband who is now estranged… two of which are now alcoholics themselves)who was apparently supportive of his desire to quit, was drunk for the two days also. Though drunk, she was relatively restrained the first night, but soon brought out bottles and bottles of vodka around midday (soon after she woke up) the second day, and proceeded to pass them around the table insisting everyone have shot after shot after shot until we left (and probably after).
I have never seen her get so drunk before and I am furious that she decided to do this so soon after he quit. It was almost like she made a point of getting hammered, but I am unsure why. She knows full well what it’s like to be with an alcoholic, so why would she behave so badly? Everything she did last night was disturbing, from unknowingly flashing herself several times to her adult children and me due to the fact she was wearing an overly short, tight dress, to her vicious attack on a nephew, to her insistence RABF look at very upsetting photos of his very ill youngest brother in hospital when they were children, which were taken when they were all told he would shortly die. He kept saying “no” until he was almost in tears, but she continued to shove them in his face. Thankfully, it was then he decided we should leave.
I am extremely relieved he managed to cope with all of this and not drink. That is the main thing. But I am very disappointed in his family. ABIL has decided to stay over New Year and is trying to force us to go out to a party where everyone will be drinking heavily, even though we have already made plans to stay home with another non-drinking couple and share a bottle of non-alcoholic kids’ champagne at midnight.
Why are they like this? This is such a delicate time for my partner, and it makes everything so much harder for him. And for me. It’s just so upsetting.
Does anyone else have this problem? Again, sorry for the lengthy post. Believe it or not, this is just an excerpt of what went on in the last 48 hours.
My partner quit drinking about three weeks ago and we have just successfully got through Christmas, which is an unbelievably big relief. Though this wasn’t without its drama.
First, the other night estranged alcoholic FIL turned up at our house having tracked us down and stood on the road screaming abuse at RABF.
Second, alcoholic BIL has come for an extended visit (he lives in another country), and proceeded to get drunk immediately. He goaded RABF over the two days while we were staying at his mother’s house, trying to get him to drink, saying things like: “This wine is soooooo good” and cheersing him loudly. I’m sure this was just a reflection of what he was saying in their native language, but obviously I only heard what was said in English. He was solidly drunk for the two days we were there until we left. I always knew ABIL would be a problem as he is a problem generally, and I feel perhaps wants RABF to fall back off the wagon to both: 1. make him feel better about his own drinking, and 2. prove that RABF’s affinity is with him and not me.
Third, his mother (who raised her three children with her aforementioned alcoholic husband who is now estranged… two of which are now alcoholics themselves)who was apparently supportive of his desire to quit, was drunk for the two days also. Though drunk, she was relatively restrained the first night, but soon brought out bottles and bottles of vodka around midday (soon after she woke up) the second day, and proceeded to pass them around the table insisting everyone have shot after shot after shot until we left (and probably after).
I have never seen her get so drunk before and I am furious that she decided to do this so soon after he quit. It was almost like she made a point of getting hammered, but I am unsure why. She knows full well what it’s like to be with an alcoholic, so why would she behave so badly? Everything she did last night was disturbing, from unknowingly flashing herself several times to her adult children and me due to the fact she was wearing an overly short, tight dress, to her vicious attack on a nephew, to her insistence RABF look at very upsetting photos of his very ill youngest brother in hospital when they were children, which were taken when they were all told he would shortly die. He kept saying “no” until he was almost in tears, but she continued to shove them in his face. Thankfully, it was then he decided we should leave.
I am extremely relieved he managed to cope with all of this and not drink. That is the main thing. But I am very disappointed in his family. ABIL has decided to stay over New Year and is trying to force us to go out to a party where everyone will be drinking heavily, even though we have already made plans to stay home with another non-drinking couple and share a bottle of non-alcoholic kids’ champagne at midnight.
Why are they like this? This is such a delicate time for my partner, and it makes everything so much harder for him. And for me. It’s just so upsetting.
Does anyone else have this problem? Again, sorry for the lengthy post. Believe it or not, this is just an excerpt of what went on in the last 48 hours.
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Audrey, I'm so sorry you and your recovering boyfriend had to live through all of that. I'm not sure there is an explanation why people behave like this....but I have ready many threads on here about the family of origin's behavior being quite similar. I know there were some rip-snorting drunk holidays in my Mother's past (she is not an alcoholic but an untreated ACoA).
It sounds as though your boyfriend's family is stuck in their own illness and dysfunction and don't know of any other way to behave - and have never sought out help.
Perhaps limited contact is best at this point? I'm sure other's will be able to share more directly from personal experience....
Can you make your own plans to celebrate the New Year that don't include his family?
It sounds as though your boyfriend's family is stuck in their own illness and dysfunction and don't know of any other way to behave - and have never sought out help.
Perhaps limited contact is best at this point? I'm sure other's will be able to share more directly from personal experience....
Can you make your own plans to celebrate the New Year that don't include his family?
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Thanks, Hydrogirl. I have read many posts where the alcoholic has both a supportive partner and a supportive family, yet continues to drink. So I kind of feel like I am alone in this, and it's an uphill battle.
RABF is extremely close with his family, and fiercely defensive of them and makes excuses for them (I guess, much like I did for him when he drank). Unfortunately, although FIL is estranged and they all hate him for what he did to them growing up, it hasn't inspired BIL or MIL to take action for their own drinking (though I don't think MIL is an alcoholic). My partner is the first in his family to actually do something. What I did notice last night was that my partner saw his family clearly for the first time. Every other Christmas (or any time he saw them really) involved huge amounts of alcohol and dysfunction. Being sober opened his eyes and he was visibly shocked. I hope he can use this to distance himself.
As for NYE, we have already made plans to stay home and have a quiet one. That's all I can do. If he chooses to be swayed by his BIL and change our plans then I can't do anything about it. But I can't sit through another painful night like the past two, especially as it will involve another two days, hours away from home in the company of his aggressive drunk of a brother. I just can't.
RABF is extremely close with his family, and fiercely defensive of them and makes excuses for them (I guess, much like I did for him when he drank). Unfortunately, although FIL is estranged and they all hate him for what he did to them growing up, it hasn't inspired BIL or MIL to take action for their own drinking (though I don't think MIL is an alcoholic). My partner is the first in his family to actually do something. What I did notice last night was that my partner saw his family clearly for the first time. Every other Christmas (or any time he saw them really) involved huge amounts of alcohol and dysfunction. Being sober opened his eyes and he was visibly shocked. I hope he can use this to distance himself.
As for NYE, we have already made plans to stay home and have a quiet one. That's all I can do. If he chooses to be swayed by his BIL and change our plans then I can't do anything about it. But I can't sit through another painful night like the past two, especially as it will involve another two days, hours away from home in the company of his aggressive drunk of a brother. I just can't.
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You can't control his family's actions, but you don't have to be part of it either. You already have NYE plans, stick to them. If your boyfriend decides to give in to the ABIL, it does not mean you have to go along as well. It isn't about what the family does to him, it's about the fact that YOU aren't able to relax and have a nice evening. That's boundaries, learning to take care of you. Hopefully your boyfriend is in AA, or counseling. He will soon realize as he gains more sober time that he has to keep some distance from all that co-dependency.
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Thanks, Recovering2. That's what I thought. And I am learning to say no to the family meetings because I have been in so many unspeakably awful situations with them, which RABF was largely numb to on account of his own drunkeness.
He is seeing a therapist who is helping him a lot, and he is opening up to me about what they talk about and how he feels about everything, which is a massive step.
The problem is, the co-dependence in his family is so strong. He and his mother have a scarily enmeshed relationship as he was the eldest and largely took the place of his father when they were growing up. They rely on each other for everything, so to this day, she calls and he drops everything to help her for something trivial, despite the fact that his own life is in absolute shambles (no job, debt, ex-alcoholism, lost friendships, not to mention enormous damage to our relationship). I used to think it was nice that he had this connection but I now see that unless they stop depending on each other like this (he's 30) he will never learn to become a strong, independent man and start dealing with his problems, and neither will she. And the likelihood of him slipping back into drinking will increase.
As for her enabling, I remember seeing her one night on the way to dropping RABF to the airport (brief trip to visit ABIL). He had disappeared the full day and night before drunk in the bar, leaving me alone and unable to contact him when he didn't return home after the usual "twenty minutes" he would usually promise. He then drove home completely drunk (even though there is a 0 blood alcohol level limit in this country) and abused me for being upset, crashed about through the house, then passed out. Anyway, he told her this when we saw her (or some version of it as I don't speak their language) to which she just smiled lovingly, shook her finger and said "naughty boy", before she handing him a bag full of a bottle of vodka for the drive to the airport, about six packets of cigarettes, and sweets. If he felt even slightly bad about his behaviour beforehand, he certainly didn't after his mother patched it all up for him with booze and sugar. He polished most of that bottle off on the way to the airport. Not a happy farewell.
So, I'm kind of seething right now with the memories so I'll stop. But I really hope his sobriety means he will finally distance himself and grow into the capable person I know he can be.
He is seeing a therapist who is helping him a lot, and he is opening up to me about what they talk about and how he feels about everything, which is a massive step.
The problem is, the co-dependence in his family is so strong. He and his mother have a scarily enmeshed relationship as he was the eldest and largely took the place of his father when they were growing up. They rely on each other for everything, so to this day, she calls and he drops everything to help her for something trivial, despite the fact that his own life is in absolute shambles (no job, debt, ex-alcoholism, lost friendships, not to mention enormous damage to our relationship). I used to think it was nice that he had this connection but I now see that unless they stop depending on each other like this (he's 30) he will never learn to become a strong, independent man and start dealing with his problems, and neither will she. And the likelihood of him slipping back into drinking will increase.
As for her enabling, I remember seeing her one night on the way to dropping RABF to the airport (brief trip to visit ABIL). He had disappeared the full day and night before drunk in the bar, leaving me alone and unable to contact him when he didn't return home after the usual "twenty minutes" he would usually promise. He then drove home completely drunk (even though there is a 0 blood alcohol level limit in this country) and abused me for being upset, crashed about through the house, then passed out. Anyway, he told her this when we saw her (or some version of it as I don't speak their language) to which she just smiled lovingly, shook her finger and said "naughty boy", before she handing him a bag full of a bottle of vodka for the drive to the airport, about six packets of cigarettes, and sweets. If he felt even slightly bad about his behaviour beforehand, he certainly didn't after his mother patched it all up for him with booze and sugar. He polished most of that bottle off on the way to the airport. Not a happy farewell.
So, I'm kind of seething right now with the memories so I'll stop. But I really hope his sobriety means he will finally distance himself and grow into the capable person I know he can be.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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This is unhealthy for you and your bf.
Perhapse distancing yourselves from the family is best.
I dont think given them any other choice will do....it sounds like they are all addicts and if the mother isnt she sounds like shes been engulfed by their dynamic and therefore this will not be the only scenerio where they are all drunk and misbehaving.
You and your bf should set boundaries for yourselves. You can control yourselves but not them and this
Isnt the best situation for a newly sober person to be around
Perhapse distancing yourselves from the family is best.
I dont think given them any other choice will do....it sounds like they are all addicts and if the mother isnt she sounds like shes been engulfed by their dynamic and therefore this will not be the only scenerio where they are all drunk and misbehaving.
You and your bf should set boundaries for yourselves. You can control yourselves but not them and this
Isnt the best situation for a newly sober person to be around
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I recently started reading "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. It has daily meditations regarding letting go of other people's stuff and learning to focus on our own health. I love it, there is a reading for each day.
My AB has people in his life that I believe contribute to his stress and therefore his disease. I was spinning about it for a long time, trying to step in with some. Fretting all the time about gatherings or conversations. I could tell you all kind of crazy stories. My AB is newly sober as well, but I realize those people are still out there and they haven't changed one bit. What I've learned is I have no power to do anything about it. His recovery is his responsiblity. He has to set boundaries with those people, I can't do it for him. So I still worry, but I let it go. I have set my own boundaries, for my own health. There are people in his life I choose to not spend time with. And that's okay, I don't have to explain or justify it. I am not comfortable around those people....period. I have explained this to my AB, but always make it about me. I am not comfortable with their behavior, therefore I choose to not attend a gathering. I don't make it about the alcohol. And I don't wait for approval from him, I don't need his approval to do what is right for me.
I hope that helps....it takes time to work through all this, and it's hard when others make you the bad guy when you set limits. But I figure if they're crazy to begin with, what do I care what they think of me?! Let it go!
My AB has people in his life that I believe contribute to his stress and therefore his disease. I was spinning about it for a long time, trying to step in with some. Fretting all the time about gatherings or conversations. I could tell you all kind of crazy stories. My AB is newly sober as well, but I realize those people are still out there and they haven't changed one bit. What I've learned is I have no power to do anything about it. His recovery is his responsiblity. He has to set boundaries with those people, I can't do it for him. So I still worry, but I let it go. I have set my own boundaries, for my own health. There are people in his life I choose to not spend time with. And that's okay, I don't have to explain or justify it. I am not comfortable around those people....period. I have explained this to my AB, but always make it about me. I am not comfortable with their behavior, therefore I choose to not attend a gathering. I don't make it about the alcohol. And I don't wait for approval from him, I don't need his approval to do what is right for me.
I hope that helps....it takes time to work through all this, and it's hard when others make you the bad guy when you set limits. But I figure if they're crazy to begin with, what do I care what they think of me?! Let it go!
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i have seen this time and time again....he must detach himself and walk out....his recovery is a stake!!!
i do not except unexceptable behaviours anymore....and disrespect...i walk out...
in times of CHANGE...its the hardest thing to do...people change and the alcoholic gets sober...its a triger, and its normal....its what you decide to do with it...
you enable the behaviours and stay...you are grown adults...you have choices...
my two cents
i do not except unexceptable behaviours anymore....and disrespect...i walk out...
in times of CHANGE...its the hardest thing to do...people change and the alcoholic gets sober...its a triger, and its normal....its what you decide to do with it...
you enable the behaviours and stay...you are grown adults...you have choices...
my two cents
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fourmaggie - I know! But that detatchment is going to be tough for RABF. I wish there was some way I could get it through to him, but I guess he has to work it out for himself. He may have a chance now he's sober and can see it.
Unfortunately, he has invited ABIL and his GF, and younger BIL for dinner and to stay the night tonight, so I am back on edge again. I tried to speak with BIL's GF about how critical this time is for RABF (she has an awful relationship with BIL) in the hope she will try to rein in some of the drinking, but unfortunately she was drunk herself (again) and just didn't get it. Strangely, youngest BIL has managed to dodge the drinking gene so I can count on him to be responsible. But I am still tense.
I have set some boundaries for BIL. Last year, he insisted on smoking in our house. When I asked him not to, he and my partner had just both drunkenly laughed at me. So this year there is absolutely no smoking in the house and no getting drunk. BIL also hates cats and tends to kick them. He kicks one of our cats and I will kick him.
But you're right, fourmaggie. I can't control any of these people, even with boundaries. So, if anything gets out of hand and RABF chooses not to back me up again, I will walk out and stay with friends because I can't stand seething in silence anymore. Sad I will have to walk out of my own house though.
Unfortunately, he has invited ABIL and his GF, and younger BIL for dinner and to stay the night tonight, so I am back on edge again. I tried to speak with BIL's GF about how critical this time is for RABF (she has an awful relationship with BIL) in the hope she will try to rein in some of the drinking, but unfortunately she was drunk herself (again) and just didn't get it. Strangely, youngest BIL has managed to dodge the drinking gene so I can count on him to be responsible. But I am still tense.
I have set some boundaries for BIL. Last year, he insisted on smoking in our house. When I asked him not to, he and my partner had just both drunkenly laughed at me. So this year there is absolutely no smoking in the house and no getting drunk. BIL also hates cats and tends to kick them. He kicks one of our cats and I will kick him.
But you're right, fourmaggie. I can't control any of these people, even with boundaries. So, if anything gets out of hand and RABF chooses not to back me up again, I will walk out and stay with friends because I can't stand seething in silence anymore. Sad I will have to walk out of my own house though.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Just wow...
Dysfunction Junction for sure.
Lock the cats up in a room so they don't have to deal with the family.
If BIL lights a cigarette in your house grab a fire extinquisher and let him have it full in the face.
For some people subtle doesn't work.
I am kidding... you might get arrested for something in a foreign country but there is something seriously wrong with this picture.
It certainly doesn't sound like a fun evening on the horizon but it will be great practice for you if you are working a recovery program.
That is my advice to you... work your own recovery through whatever means available to you where you are living now. Online meetings, books, this website, counseling. Toxic people are everywhere but an emeshed codie family and a newly sober husband will be a huge challenge.
Dysfunction Junction for sure.
Lock the cats up in a room so they don't have to deal with the family.
If BIL lights a cigarette in your house grab a fire extinquisher and let him have it full in the face.
For some people subtle doesn't work.
I am kidding... you might get arrested for something in a foreign country but there is something seriously wrong with this picture.
It certainly doesn't sound like a fun evening on the horizon but it will be great practice for you if you are working a recovery program.
That is my advice to you... work your own recovery through whatever means available to you where you are living now. Online meetings, books, this website, counseling. Toxic people are everywhere but an emeshed codie family and a newly sober husband will be a huge challenge.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Misery loves company.
And all drunks like a drinking buddy.
If he kicked my cat his ass would be out the door. I despise animal abusers.
I hope it goes better than expected. Best case scenario would be AB getting disgusted with their behavior when looking through sober eyes.
And all drunks like a drinking buddy.
If he kicked my cat his ass would be out the door. I despise animal abusers.
I hope it goes better than expected. Best case scenario would be AB getting disgusted with their behavior when looking through sober eyes.
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hopeworks - Thank you. I like your positive attitude. I will definitely try to see this as practice rather than a potential nightmare.
readatlanta - His ass will definitely be out the door. But not before I kick him. I may wear my pointy shoes.
readatlanta - His ass will definitely be out the door. But not before I kick him. I may wear my pointy shoes.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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this is your place of HOME....you need to set the boundaries with the recovered alcoholic and tell him your RULES....you have the right to kick them all out like your recovered alcoholic has the rite to let them stay.....it will be a fight...but in the end his soberity is at stake...
u have the right to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH....if he wont say it...at least you can...
does he not talk to his sponsor about all of this?
u have the right to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH....if he wont say it...at least you can...
does he not talk to his sponsor about all of this?
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Originally Posted by Audrey1 
fourmaggie - I know! But that detatchment is going to be tough for RABF. I wish there was some way I could get it through to him, but I guess he has to work it out for himself. He may have a chance now he's sober and can see it.
Unfortunately, he has invited ABIL and his GF, and younger BIL for dinner and to stay the night tonight, so I am back on edge again. I tried to speak with BIL's GF about how critical this time is for RABF (she has an awful relationship with BIL) in the hope she will try to rein in some of the drinking, but unfortunately she was drunk herself (again) and just didn't get it. Strangely, youngest BIL has managed to dodge the drinking gene so I can count on him to be responsible. But I am still tense.
I have set some boundaries for BIL. Last year, he insisted on smoking in our house. When I asked him not to, he and my partner had just both drunkenly laughed at me. So this year there is absolutely no smoking in the house and no getting drunk. BIL also hates cats and tends to kick them. He kicks one of our cats and I will kick him.
But you're right, fourmaggie. I can't control any of these people, even with boundaries. So, if anything gets out of hand and RABF chooses not to back me up again, I will walk out and stay with friends because I can't stand seething in silence anymore. Sad I will have to walk out of my own house though.
Unfortunately, he has invited ABIL and his GF, and younger BIL for dinner and to stay the night tonight, so I am back on edge again. I tried to speak with BIL's GF about how critical this time is for RABF (she has an awful relationship with BIL) in the hope she will try to rein in some of the drinking, but unfortunately she was drunk herself (again) and just didn't get it. Strangely, youngest BIL has managed to dodge the drinking gene so I can count on him to be responsible. But I am still tense.
I have set some boundaries for BIL. Last year, he insisted on smoking in our house. When I asked him not to, he and my partner had just both drunkenly laughed at me. So this year there is absolutely no smoking in the house and no getting drunk. BIL also hates cats and tends to kick them. He kicks one of our cats and I will kick him.
But you're right, fourmaggie. I can't control any of these people, even with boundaries. So, if anything gets out of hand and RABF chooses not to back me up again, I will walk out and stay with friends because I can't stand seething in silence anymore. Sad I will have to walk out of my own house though.
I allow smoking in my home only if the person is actually on fire.
When you first came here and got so many "get the hell out of there" comments, including one from me and you responded to one of them with "because I love him". I got a good laugh - its easy to say I would not tolerate some things but everyone here is has accepted things we would never have expected to.
Your posts are showing how little by little you are finding the strength to say no and to stand up for yourself and it's good to see. Whether he changes or not, you are changing and taking control of your own life and that is what recovery for us means. It's also the best thing we can do to help the A.
Hang in there - take a moment to be proud of yourself. I've spent the past year really working to understand my own issues with a great therapist. A week ago he said that this may be the first time my wife has been in a healthy relationship, I laughed and said "wow, that's scary considering how screwed up I am!"
He got serious and told me I wasn't so screwed up - I have some self destructive tendencies that allowed me to survive as a child and I'm recognizing them and changing them and that is what matters. Your are getting better and admitting to yourself that you want better things - keep your chin up and keep working on you. You are changing for the better
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Sorry to push this old thread up to the top again, but just wanted to give an update on ABIL's post-Christmas visit as it might make some of my fellow animal-lovers smile.
All went exactly as expected, with one difference. ABIL was warned not to attack the cats and managed to do so (he also grudgingly went outside to smoke, but not without putting up quite a battle first).
But, after passing out on the couch, my normally very docile and loving cats actually attacked him! We wasn't hurt in any way, and by "attack" they were probably just trying to play with him, but he didn't see it that way. Ahh, poetic justice. He didn't sleep a wink and was furious in the morning.
RABF and I have been laughing about it ever since.
All went exactly as expected, with one difference. ABIL was warned not to attack the cats and managed to do so (he also grudgingly went outside to smoke, but not without putting up quite a battle first).
But, after passing out on the couch, my normally very docile and loving cats actually attacked him! We wasn't hurt in any way, and by "attack" they were probably just trying to play with him, but he didn't see it that way. Ahh, poetic justice. He didn't sleep a wink and was furious in the morning.
RABF and I have been laughing about it ever since.
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