winnie1202

My husband has been in recovery for the last year and a half with the exception of a relapse for about a week over last summer. His previous alcoholism caused up to have some financial issues. We had to file Chapter 13a year ago with the accompanying budget. He doesn't seem to grasp this concept which is causing me so much stress. Needless to say this Christmas has been tough. I tried to focus on the kids and told my husband not to spend money on me. Not necessary. He then goes out and buys me an expensive smartphone. I didn't need it (my old little keyboard phone is just fine), I didn't ask for it (too much $$) and it is the gift that keeps on taking (phone + data service = $700 a year). I said I was grateful for the gift but I have to take it back. Have a bill that has to get paid this week and adding another monthly expense is not a good idea at this time. He looses it screaming and yelling about how he can't live his life this way anymore. Did I mention he is having surgery this week and will be out of work for about three weeks with no sick days? Has to take next years vacation weeks after Jan. 1. I understand that life changes and yes I wish it was the way a few years ago when we were financially in better shape and didn't have to watch every penny but s**t happens and we have to roll with the punches in life. He doesn't seem to grasp this nor wants to. Am I enabling him by paying the bills and keeping the lights on? I told him that if we have to sell the house because we aren't on the same page financially we would not be living together anymore. What can I do to help him and us? He works f/t and I work almost f/t but lots less $.

PohsFriend

IMHO.... Paying the bills is not enabling anything as they are family bills. It sounds more like you see a problem for you, the kids AND him and rather than let the family go under you put On Your big girl panties as dealt with life.

Life don't stop while you watch and wait to see if he makes it back.

Sounds like you did the grownup thing and sounds like you tried to be gracious about it - he got mad? Well, you said it yourself, **** happens. If he can figure out another solution great, until then you stepped up and did what had to be done.

I know advice is frowned upon but maybe you could give yourself a break and not beat yourself up for Christmas ;-)

Seren

Hello winnie,

I'm sorry that your husband decided to throw a fit when all you are doing is trying to keep the household going. And no, I don't think it's enabling either when you are keeping the lights and heat on when there are children involved.

He doesn't want to 'live his life this way anymore'? I'm not sure what he means, live with a budget or live the consequences of his drinking? I don't know if there is anything that you or anyone else can say to him to get him to accept the fact of limited financial resources. Wish there were, it would have helped me with my exH

One thing many here have done while living with someone in active addiction or early recovery is separated their finances--separate checking accounts, bills, etc. Perhaps a joint account out of which household expenses are paid, and a small amount transferred each month into individual accounts for personal discretionary spending?

In spite of your husband's attitude, I hope you and your children enjoyed your Christmas!!

redatlanta

Sounds like he is in some serious denial -

You have to pay the household bills that's not enabling that's just living. Cutbacks financially now are a way of life for most with the current economy. Don't we all wish it were different - added with his issues which caused your BR - seems like he should be grateful you are still around as opposed to upset that you took the gift back. I second HG about separation of finances.

Recovering2

Is your husband in any kind of 12-step or counseling program? Sometimes if they're sober, but not getting any support, then they're still grappling with the underlying issues. So you still see the behavior, he's just not drunk. That's not good either. This may not be the case for you, but that's what crossed my mind when I read your post. He seems to be over-reacting to a situation, which is common for the alcoholic. And I agree, you have to keep the lights on for your family. That's not enabling, that's responsiblity.