What am I holding on to?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 5
What am I holding on to?
I have been separated for 11 months (together total 17 years) and he has been sober for 6 months. During the last 11 months he has said he wanted to work things out twice, because of our daughter and never mentioned 'us'. When I moved out I said I would never move back with out counseling. He has yet to go and when I ask him questions he is the king of avoidance and deflection. In the meantime I met someone who is good to me. He is the opposite of my AH and he treats me good and actually cares about me. My AH is aware that I have been seeing him. My AH and I talk a lot and get along just fine, probably because we don't talk about anything important. We spent Christmas together today with our daughter and we had an ok day. My question is.....why can't I let go of him? Why do I think he is hurting on the inside and really does love me and just has a hard time telling me? Why do I think I am so special that by telling him I am moving on, he will crumble? I worry about him being alone on New Years, not because of alcohol, just because he will be alone. No family in the area and no friends...of course I told him he could have his daughter but no answer there. So I am married to a man that has not told me he loves me, hasn't done anything to work on our marriage, and doesn't go out of his way to see his daughter (one night a week). The most important lesson I have learned on SR is to listen to their actions and not their words... So again why do I think he is a victim, why do I think he will be alone and suffering and why do I worry more about him than myself. I met him when I was 18 and I do care about him and I love him but I KNOW that we will never have the relationship I need/desire, we are not healthy together. I am in counseling and have been for a long time, it has helped me get this far and I do go to Al Anon when I can but I can't seem to let go and start living my life. Thoughts? Stories? Anything???
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Sometimes I find that its the chase that drives us and not the person.
You ache for him to chase you and beg for you back and bend over backwards for you and he isnt.
After 17 yrs I would want him to miss me cry for me and crumble without me all while obtaining sobreity.
I get it. Who wouldnt want some emtion....some hint of meaning to a long relationship. A marriage. A family.
You shared your lives together....
You ache for him to chase you and beg for you back and bend over backwards for you and he isnt.
After 17 yrs I would want him to miss me cry for me and crumble without me all while obtaining sobreity.
I get it. Who wouldnt want some emtion....some hint of meaning to a long relationship. A marriage. A family.
You shared your lives together....
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Many codependents have a lot of unhealthy guilt, false sense of responsibility to others and a huge ego. I know I did.
Have you read about codependency or Codependent No More? It may (or may not) answer a lot of the questions you are asking yourself and here.
Have you read about codependency or Codependent No More? It may (or may not) answer a lot of the questions you are asking yourself and here.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You were just kids when you got together with him. Sometimes letting go of the first love thing is difficult, a childhood "love" that no longer exsists.
If he wanted to do something on News Years he could, there are alot of single activities going on. It is not your responsibility to babysit him, he is a big boy.
Keep moving forward with your life, you are entitled to happiness, to peace, there is nothing to feel guilty about, he has made his choices, you didn't.
Have a Happy New Year!
If he wanted to do something on News Years he could, there are alot of single activities going on. It is not your responsibility to babysit him, he is a big boy.
Keep moving forward with your life, you are entitled to happiness, to peace, there is nothing to feel guilty about, he has made his choices, you didn't.
Have a Happy New Year!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
While I am sure you care deeply for him it sounds like you are looking for validation from him that you mean something - or meant - or that your marriage had meaning. That you think he "really does love you but has a hard time telling you or showing you" is a simple rationalization for his actions. I am not saying he doesn't love you or care about you.....
I am saying that this is what life would be like if you got back together with him. You will forever chase validation from him and most likely not get it.
Keep doing your work with Al Anon and counseling - letting go of a long term relationship/marriage is like a death - it ain't easy.
I am saying that this is what life would be like if you got back together with him. You will forever chase validation from him and most likely not get it.
Keep doing your work with Al Anon and counseling - letting go of a long term relationship/marriage is like a death - it ain't easy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 230
18 years is a long time. Even a horrible relationship has bright happy memories some where along the way. And even though you know that it will never be what you wanted it to be, it is what it is. I don't think he sounds like he is overly capable of showing any love currently. Will it change things if he does? It sounds like he knows what you want him to do (couples counselling), but just doesn't do it.
I was with my STBXAH for over 13 years. It is hard. I love him dearly and probably will for some time. We have three children together, but the man I remember loving so intensely is a far different person from the man I see now. When I drop off his children (all 3) to see him, (a whopping four days since September), he looks angry and bitter, but he is really utterly emotionless. I always look in his eyes to see if I can catch a glimpse of something that used to be there,but its not there. Instead his beady glassy eyes stare back with no emotion. It makes me want to cry. But the choices he made were his alone, I can't change that.
Sending you happy thoughts.
I was with my STBXAH for over 13 years. It is hard. I love him dearly and probably will for some time. We have three children together, but the man I remember loving so intensely is a far different person from the man I see now. When I drop off his children (all 3) to see him, (a whopping four days since September), he looks angry and bitter, but he is really utterly emotionless. I always look in his eyes to see if I can catch a glimpse of something that used to be there,but its not there. Instead his beady glassy eyes stare back with no emotion. It makes me want to cry. But the choices he made were his alone, I can't change that.
Sending you happy thoughts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 5
Thank you everyone.
thislonelygirl- you are right, I just want a reaction. At this point, I would take angry and bitter but this indifference is killing me. Does he care or doesn't he?
redatlanta- the part about validation is exactly what my counselor keeps telling me. I know I will never get yet I keep trying and I keep leaving the door open.
When does it end?
I have read Codependency No More but it has been years...now there are newer versions, does anyone recommend a particular one?
thislonelygirl- you are right, I just want a reaction. At this point, I would take angry and bitter but this indifference is killing me. Does he care or doesn't he?
redatlanta- the part about validation is exactly what my counselor keeps telling me. I know I will never get yet I keep trying and I keep leaving the door open.
When does it end?
I have read Codependency No More but it has been years...now there are newer versions, does anyone recommend a particular one?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
One of the hardest things for me, having left my AH of 20 years last July when I couldn't bear his alcoholism and abuse any more, is looking only into myself to see what I am feeling, to see who I am.
When I can do that, and it is more and more often now after almost 6 months, I find serenity.
Who we are is in our hearts; it is not in theirs.
ShootingStar1
When I can do that, and it is more and more often now after almost 6 months, I find serenity.
Who we are is in our hearts; it is not in theirs.
ShootingStar1
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hillindy - When does it end? looking into my crystal ball....I say..... hee hee hee just a little humor.
Here's is my opinion when it ends. Just an opinion.
I have had a bad relationship not with an A, but bad is bad. Searched for validation when it ended that it had meaning, that I wan't fooled, that I didn't waste time. Wanted it from my former partner and didn't get it - I did get "yes I loved you, yes I cared" but I wanted emotion - I wanted to see that he was hurting and that it was as difficult for him as it was for me to break up. That I did not get from him.
Onto therapy. First session - validation of that relationship, and that my validation was actually anger at myself for staying in a very impossible, really hurtful situation - putting myself through the ringer only to lose in the end. When I found a way to forgive myself (which was easy because the therapist was right) I no longer needed validation. There was no validation - the relationship sucked for 3/4 of the length of it.
As a side note this ex recently stopped by my business to talk. I hadn't seen him in 3 years. Now I am married. He said he needed to tell me how much I meant to him and that he really screwed up and blah blah blah blah blah blah. All the things I wanted to hear way back when - I could have cared less. I would have been more excited if he had told me there was a great sale at Target, and at the same time I kept thinking "thank God I am not with you". He was pretty evil, I'll take my RAH with bi-polar any day of the week.
Just my experience not sure if applicable to your situation - food for thought.
Here's is my opinion when it ends. Just an opinion.
I have had a bad relationship not with an A, but bad is bad. Searched for validation when it ended that it had meaning, that I wan't fooled, that I didn't waste time. Wanted it from my former partner and didn't get it - I did get "yes I loved you, yes I cared" but I wanted emotion - I wanted to see that he was hurting and that it was as difficult for him as it was for me to break up. That I did not get from him.
Onto therapy. First session - validation of that relationship, and that my validation was actually anger at myself for staying in a very impossible, really hurtful situation - putting myself through the ringer only to lose in the end. When I found a way to forgive myself (which was easy because the therapist was right) I no longer needed validation. There was no validation - the relationship sucked for 3/4 of the length of it.
As a side note this ex recently stopped by my business to talk. I hadn't seen him in 3 years. Now I am married. He said he needed to tell me how much I meant to him and that he really screwed up and blah blah blah blah blah blah. All the things I wanted to hear way back when - I could have cared less. I would have been more excited if he had told me there was a great sale at Target, and at the same time I kept thinking "thank God I am not with you". He was pretty evil, I'll take my RAH with bi-polar any day of the week.
Just my experience not sure if applicable to your situation - food for thought.
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