I don't think everyone else is the problem. I think H is the common denominator. He has misled his family, he prefers a therapist who is "easy on him," he doesn't want to believe that alcoholics can't turn back the clock and become "normal drinkers," he hasn't made an effort to get a new sponsor in our home area, he doesn't take his meds correctly, he can often be incredibly lazy and self-centered, he doesn't take responsibility for his actions, he isn't honest with himself or others, etc.

Obviously, it's not his fault that he has a PD - that was likely inherited and the result of his early upbringing (very angry father and super-lenient and inattentive mother). It's not his fault that he has depression and anxiety issues - again, those are also likely inherited and the result of his early upbringing. However, it is his fault for not seeking proper treatment for these issues and preferring the "magic pill" of alcohol or meds to (ha ha) fix the problem. I also blame him for acting impulsively and not waiting til he's calm to make serious decisions.

That said, I do think that those who are accepting large amounts of money (his therapist and rehab) have some responsibility to do their job. His current therapist is no more than a "paid friend" who gladly takes our money and likely makes her monthly car payment with it. She's the type whose only response to whatever she's told is "and how do you feel about that?" Is that worth $500 a month? lol

I deal with a bit of your situation - BPII, anxiety, OCD, depression with RAH. I also agree that the anxiety, depression and OCD being the result of family dysfunction. "I can't help it" was a common comment in our home for a looooonnnggg time, too long. Certainly my heart strings were pulled and I am still sympathetic for the emotional abuse RAH still deals with but enough. I don't accept that lame excuse anymore at some point one has to accept it is what it is - and you don't get a free ride in life (to say, do, and not do) because of it.

There are good and bad doctors everywhere - these people have no more power to help your husband than you or I do. Someone who goes in with the attitude that they want changes are the people who succeed. Its easy to turn it back on the professionals and say they aren't doing their job - AH isn't doing HIS job. Those meds are worthless without taking them properly.

Based on everything you have written starting with that he thinks he can drink every once in while.........he isn't with the program he's just going through the motions.

Did you make some boundaries for yourself when he came back from rehab and are you sticking to them?

Good morning BHW.

There really isn't anything any of us can tell you to help you make your husband better. But, I will say they are a lot of things you can do to start making your life better regardless of the choices your husband makes about his getting better.

For me probably the most important was that I am allowed to take care of myself, not only that but I'm allowed to take care of myself first.

This was also a really hard lesson to learn because if I was taking care of me I felt like I was abandoning my wife to her troubles, that I was being selfish, a bad husband and besides I was sure my love was enough to save her.

Needless to say, I was wrong. By the time I hit my bottom, that point where it is impossible to continue to live the way I was living, I was in as bad, if not worse shape than she was. I had reached a point where I would lie in bed at night and fantasize about being dead. That is not a good place to be. It really scared me because the next step was pretty obvious that I would act on the fantasy.

Once I started to focus on me and my problems rather than my wife and her problems I could finally take those first steps to recovery. I also figured out that by focusing on her problems and issues I could avoid looking at mine and trust me I had a boat load of them.

What worked for me was posting and reading here a lot, Al-Anon, exercising and getting back into meditation again. I also dida lot of reading on mindfulness, Al-Anon literature, Buddhism and alcoholism.

In a lot of posts on this forum you will see people refer to their A as their DOC, or drug of choice. I can't speak for them but i know that it was true for me.

So, on this forum you will read things from lots of different points of view, from different recovery paths and from different places on the recovery path. Not everything you read will apply or work for you at this point in time. Al-Anonhas a good saying for this. Take what you want and leave the rest.

Your friend,

And yet he's not making the connection that if he gives himself permission he will indeed get "as bad as the others"...

My denial was deep. I could not see what others so clearly could. Taking time to reread your posts, maybe helpful. Writing down a list of the insulting and abusive names you have called other people in your AH's life may be helpful as well. JMO

Same here. And, there's another side to this coin as well. As long as I was hell bent on controlling and "managing" his alcoholism, he could not focus on recovery. His main purpose was appeasing me so I would loosen my death grip on him.

L

Bingo! That's my thought.

That's why I made the point that if someone had early stages of lung cancer, would they think, "hmmm, my lung cancer isn't as bad as other peoples', so I can still smoke". !!!!!!!


I don't expect anyone here to have a magic answer, and I don't think any health professional will, either. I was just venting my frustration at the situation. I'm saying very, very, very little to him about it, since it is his problem. But, that doesn't mean that it's not concerning me.

I do have a therapist and I do go to AlAnon. I am doing things "for me."

What do you mean? Abusive and insulting names I've called other people in AH's life??? If you're offended that I've said that AH's therapist is a "cream puff" then I'm not going to apologize for that. I said that AH's dad was controlling and abusive - that is true and the family agrees. At his gravesite my MIL stood there and said, "Well, now I have more closet space and now I can say whatever I want." Do you think she would have said that if her H had been a nice, caring guy? When a new widow says THAT at the burial, you're not going to be thinking, "wow, the world just lost a really great man."

When I first joined here, I thought my husband was the problem. I came here looking for help for him, to vent and complain about him! But there were a few older posters who knew me all too well. I felt attacked and was very defensive. I would get angry and argue with them in my head! But in the end, when i got really honest with myself, they were always right!

I am thankful they didn't give up on me! I am thankful I got a PM telling me I was teachable, to sit back and keep reading!

I have learned so much that I couldn't see. I am forever grateful to anvil, cynical one, dollydo... To name a few!!!

I could not change what I did not acknowledge!! I, too, played a huge part in the dysfunction of marriage and family! I just didn't know it or want to accept it! It was easier to blame everyone else then look in the mirror!

Good God LoveMeNow, don't forget Cyranoak! He had to step on my toes a few times to get me to open my eyes. :)

Your friend,

oh brother.

Some here think I don't blame my AH enough, and others think I blame him too much. I'm outta here. I don't need this to be a place of insanity as well.

Best wishes for you all.

Well you really don't have to do either.

I do wonder why he feels the need to share with you that he wants to give himself permission.

An alcoholic doesn't drink like a regular person period. We have a craving for more after we have the first drink.

I never had the pleasure of "meeting" Cyranoak. (mostly because I posted on the SA side).

Only toe stepping?? LOL. I had to be :a043: many times. :c031:

I am sure you have learned in Alanon to "take what you want and leave the rest." It's a great slogan to remember.

That said, the "blame game" only prevented me from taking responsibility for my own thinking, choices and behaviors.

(I am sorry that you are now finding SR to be a problem too. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes.)

I do know, my son's drinking was making me crazy. As an alcoholic, I never looked at what my drinking was doing to others. All my broken promises and lying about my drinking played a part in everyone that loved me having serenity.

An alcoholic's first love is his next drink, everyone and everything else is secondary to that :(

BHW, I walked away from SR several times before I even made my first post. It took me awhile before I could begin to understand my role in this. A pamphlet called A Merry Go Round Named Denial was a great start for me to understand the dynamics of the horrible situation I was in. If you Google it I am pretty sure you can find it online.

Your friend,

LOL! I had my little bubble burst quite a few times too, and by the same folks who I now hold dear.

BHW, I can hear your frustration in all of your posts here in this thread, but do consider taking what works and leaving the rest. No one is trying to be "mean" on purpose...just pointing out what they can see that possibly you can't with your nose right up in it all. I missed so much of the forest myself for a long time, as I was too busy staring at my one tree.

And although it may not feel like it right now - this thread will help others in their own journeys, as there are hundreds who read this without ever joining this site or posting on this thread.

Prayers to you today - this is a frustrating situation to be in, and a scary one to boot. But again, so far, he is only saying the words. Give it some time, watch his actions. And work on your own recovery, so when (if) the time comes that you have to make the hard choices, you'll be completely ready.
~T

I haven't read the thread, just responding to the OP:

My AexH would, after a big incident and meltdown from me, agree/decide to give up drinking and would last 1 or 2 days in public (because in reality he was sneaking drinks the whole time) he would then, whilst in the company of others ask me if it was OK if he had a drink. This was a set-up, my standard reply became "it's up to you", because no matter what I said a) he would have that drink and b) he would make that my responsibility.

In my opinion, for what that is worth, he is just preparing the ground to go back to whatever drinking behaviour he had before, and to hang the responsibility on you. if you agree, whatever comes next - you agreed to it, if you disagree, he'll sulk/moan/pick a fight that "forces" him to drink to put up with you/the argument/the atmosphere/whatever. This is pretty much no-win for you: I'd lay bets that he will drink if this is how he's behaving, he may already be.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Excellent read Mike! Thank you!