ShootingStar1

and I can see I'm moving forward step by step, day by day.

Thanksgiving my STBXAH called me and without thinking I took the call and he grilled me on where I was and it felt like he rubbed it in that my son and his wife and new twins were away visiting her elderly and ill grandparents. I had told them that was where they should be because there wouldn't be many more years to do it,and they are lovely people and deserve some time with their first great grandchildren. I hadn't felt "abandoned" until my AH pointed out they weren't here with me, and I got upset and my daughter got upset. We recovered and enjoyed our "girl's weekend", but it was hard. And I went through a lot of deep grief in the following weeks that was triggered by that phone call.

Well, this holiday I decided to - and my daughter asked me - NOT talk to my STBXAH at all. It seemed strange, and I realized I was mainly worried about him being alone rattling around our big house in the mess he created all by himself. My daughter said he was very resourceful, and I finally got it that where he is now is where he chose to be.

So early this morning, I sent my AH an e-mail that said:
"I hope that you connect to the magnificence of your soul.
Merry Christmas!
Please don’t call or e-mail me today"

And that made me peaceful. And protected. We had a most wonderful day with my son and daughter-in-laws' extended family, and the babies have learned to belly laugh and giggle, and I am so happily tired and ready for bed.

And I didn't think about my AH until tonight, and I am sad that he could not be a person right now who would be welcome or comfortable at that gathering. I don't so much miss him as I miss who I wish he could be, but it is more regret on my part than longing to be back with him as he truly is these days.

This is progress

ShootingStar1

Katiekate

So happy to hear.

You inspire me.

big hug Katie

PohsFriend

Better than progress. It inspires.

Proud of you for choosing what kind of day you wanted to have.

If only simple was easy :-)

LoveMeNow

I guess I don't need to remind you of the dog house he offered you.

So happy to read you had a wonderful day and that you are healing each and every day. I can hardly see what you post next year. I know it will be even more inspiring then ever.

lovesunandsnow

Yes progress is wonderful! I understand completely when you said

"And I didn't think about my AH until tonight, and I am sad that he could not be a person right now who would be welcome or comfortable at that gathering. I don't so much miss him as I miss who I wish he could be, but it is more regret on my part than longing to be back with him as he truly is these days."

I miss my a-exbf so much the last few days due to Christamas I'm sure, but yet I would not get the comfort I want or love that I desire. So I feel guilty to feel this way but yet I know we are better off apart.

Keep on with the focus on you and your family. In the long run you know best what you need and progress is all you can do. Take care.

Thumper

So happy to hear that.

We had a lovely Christmas at my house too. It was really nice - better than it has been in a long time.

MamaKit

Good for you Shootingstar!
I'm so happy to hear of your lovely day - so well-deserved. I love your line about not missing him so much as missing what or who he could be. Also true for me and my STBAXH.
Happy New Year.
Hugs,
MamaKit