Hope - recovery day 365
 

Merry Christmas my friends.

I know that today is a hard day for many of us. Last Christmas was a tough one for me. After watching my then girlfriend go through 4 trips to the hospital in six months and try/fail to quit I hit rock bottom around 3am on the 26th. Holiday stress got to her, she'd been sneaking drinks that day without me realizing but she went over her tipping point that night.

I had reached my limit, I could not watch her die and I was destroying myself with worry and helplessness and I made my decision - I will take you to a hospital or to your family but you are leaving and not coming back until you get well.

I know many of you are struggling with hard decisions this week and Christmas makes it brutal.

365 days ago I was terribly sad. I quit on her, I left her shivering by the side of the road at her brothers house and hated myself as I cried all the way home.

What I did not and could not see then was that I had finally helped her. It took me pulling the rug out from under her and taking away everything that mattered to her and the next day was her rock bottom. That week she started AA.

Recovery year one was not easy, she drank 4 days this year but never got drunk.

When I woke this morning I rolled over and looked at the changes.

The ring on her hand
The serenity on her face
The little baby nestled against her neck

Today is a good day. It took some bad days to get here. Over the past month our breakthrough in communication and trust had been fantastic. Alcoholism is progressive but so is recovery and my wife is fighting for her life an our future and she is winning.

What changed the most was me. I have learned to let go, I choose to be optimistic because the bad days are so few and the good moments so many. I choose to focus on being a better me and it has allowed my wife to open up to me as never before.

Will it get better for those in pain today? Yes, it can. Will the alcoholic you love get well? I pray with you that they will but I understand now that your life will get better regardless if you can embrace your own recovery and get well. I understand why al anon has the twelve steps too, it's because we all need peace and serenity in ourselves before we can help others find it and because we need to live if they do not find it.

Our war is not ended but we are winning together an individually. I am not fearful of the future or things I can't control. I am filled with gratitude for today.

My wife is sober
Our son is perfect
Our home is peaceful

I look forward to year two knowing that challenges remain and we may lose but whatever comes I have learned to live in today, one day at a time and I've learned to be thankful for precious moments like these - cold snowy wind howling outside, a pile of people and puppies under a warm blanket inside.

I pray that those having a day like the one I had one year ago will have a day like today one year from now.

...and I look forward to facing tomorrow shoulder to shoulder with my friends here. Friends who welcomed me in when I had nowhere to turn and no idea what the hell to do next.

Merry Christmas and a truly NEW year to all

Glad to hear that there is light in all of this, congratulations on a great year for you. Best wishes on the upcoming year for you, your wife and son.

Lovely post

Pohs, thanks so much for sharing that today.

It made me feel really good, and I am elated for you.

You both have incredible strength and integrity.

I dig the steps too, a year ago I didn't think much of them, never did.

It's my new handbook,

I am Powerless, it's my favorite. I can't tell you how many things I have let go of just because of those three words.

Merry Christmas and more growth and peace in the New Year.

Wonderful thank you for sharing!

Thank you for sharing this wonderful blessing!

Thank you.. Love seeing a happy ending, work in progress always but an ending of pain in the way. Wow - I'm in tears and just glad to read that it can happen, an A we love can work the steps. I'm sure there are other stories but for tonight and what I just read I'm thrilled to see a happy family.

Cheers!

I'm with lovesunandsnow. Pohsfriend's posts have given me a lot of hope since I joined Sober Recovery a few weeks ago. It's so helpful to read about actual happy endings, and understand that it is possible.

Thanks!

Very happy for you Pohsfriend!

Thanks all.

I'm undergoing surgery today and will have time to do a blog post over the next few days. There are a lot of things I want to write down while it's fresh. A few that have been key for me:
1. Her recovery did not begin until my enabling stopped. Pleading, begging, me sitting on the floor in tears in the ER begging the doc for help... NOTHING WORKED. It wasn't even an ultimatum, it was you are gone, if you get help we can talk about you coming back. The next day she found an AA meeting, for another several weeks she was sad, hurt, angry and desperately wanted to come HOME. Telling her no was hard. I missed her like oxygen, my tough face was ******** but I had found my boundary and I dug in hard: I adore you, I would give anything to see you get well but I refuse to watch you die. We all have our inner demons, hers is fear of abandonment. The one person she trusted walked away and I hated it but I was willing to walk away. Nothing changed until something changed.

2. Her recovery hasn't been perfect. Two lapses whil pregnant. After the second, 9 months into recovery she stopped attending meetings and started WORKING AA on her own, not because I asked. It wasn't all sunshine and lollipops.

3. Nobody here is obligated to stay with anyone... If we stay we CHOSE TO and need to own our side of the street. I was upset with her when she slipped, I made it a point to thank her for fighting for herself and our family. I forgave. I realized that her shame and guilt SUCKED - dealing with my fear and worries needed to be my deal, her plate was full. My point: if you give someone another chance then own that - if you reject every positive because they MAY screw up later then you are making it harder. We can't drive anyone to sobriety but we can sure as hell drive'm nuts. It's amazing what happened when I stopped worrying about her issues and started fixing and apologizing for my own.

4. Fair don't mean squat. Whatever she did then does not matter now, now she is busting her ass trying to get well. I don't need her to 'make up' for past wrongs.... That whole part about forgive us our trespasses as we refrain from rubbing someone's nose in the past ? I want happy, I needn't keep score.

5. Step one could be "the sun rises in the east" 2-12 are all about how to be sane and free of guilt, shame, hurt, anger.... The things that make alcoholics drink and make the rest of us do our bad habits.

6. I REFUSE to allow "well it will happen again, she will never change, you should just leave her now before she breaks your heart or any of that thinking to rent space in my head. I expect future challenges. If she fails 1,5,10,20 years from now I'm going to live free of fear until then. Hell, I'm gonna be under anesthesia for several hours today, if I don't wake up I am SO glad we had an awesome day yesterday. Optimists are happy 99 days out if 100, pessimists are pissed off 99 days and satisfied when that they were right when that bad day comes. I can't control tomorrow or her or the past. I can control me RIGHT NOW and that's it. No sense worrying about stuff I can't control and that may never happen. Prepared and realistic? Yes, Ethyl is a cunning little bitch and she will try to wreck us again... But until then I've got too much to smile about to worry.

7. The trite little truisms are dead on.
-progress, not perfection
-don't just do something, stand there! Love that one...
-Three C's

And one I made up "alcoholics don't drink to drown out the peace and joy in their heart"

I realized that the drinking hurt her more than me and carrying the guilt and shame wasn't helping. I need my WIFE not some beaten down person hanging her head in shame. Shaming and blaming are cruel and counter productive.

...and ok, she's an alcoholic. I won't tolerate active drinking - if it starts she goes to rehab or she.... Goes. BUT everyone has some issues, my wife is kind, sweet and loving and the woman I want to spend my life with. She is an awesome mom. She is my friend, my lover, my shoulder when I need one.... I stopped catastrophising it. It's always something :-). Her pluses are many. Some alcoholics are assholes wet or dry. She's not.

Can't wait to see her after I wake up from surgery. If it goes well I will be back to my cycling and skiing soon after 16 months of constant pain. Today is a good day.

We have fun as we go.... Before I left she took a sharpie and wrote my doc a note above the incision point: "Don't F--- this up!". We laugh.

Oh, one other thing. I'm not a kid, been married before, not a believer in perfect or ideal love.... But when she walks in the room my heart skips a beat, when I hold her it pounds and races. I'm in love with her, better/ worse, sickness/health ...and yeah, death do us part. Told her shevdan shoot me but otherwise I'm nit going anywhere as long as she continues to work recovery.

Bartender here to give me the milk of amnesia, wish me luck!

Best of Luck with the surgery!

Good luck with the surgery and hope you have an easy recovery!

LOVED this post, thank you for writing it! I will come back to this one again, as I have trouble with letting go of past hurts from my AB. But your wise words help me with that.
Best of luck with surgery and a speedy recovery!

Just noticed I said she stopped attending AA and started working it on her own, that came out wrong - she stopped being a spectator started doing twice as many meetings and hot a tough sponsor.

Just got home, procedure was four hours and wow I am glad for the pain drugs right now but so far so good

So happy to read the proceudure went well. Be careful with those pain pills though and keeping them in a safe place would be a wise choice.

Thanks so much for sharing this Pohsfriend.
The items above, I could have written myself, but you have said it so perfectly. My husband has 9+ months clean and things are good. I wont waste a minute worrying about what will most likely never happen.
Life is good and that is all. Of course Im also an optimist; always have been. Maybe that makes it easier?
Thanks again for sharing. Im happy for both of you.
Also glad to hear your procedure went well. Get well Soon !

Hello friends

Apologies in advance for gibberish, auto-confound by iPad is bad enough, add hydrocodone and hey, this could be ugly.

So Poh (short for peace of heaven, what her real name means in her native tongue) told me she had called her sponsor today because seeing the pain medicines lying here was bugging her. She said they discussed it and shevwont touch it.
Some would say that is bad news, I think its great. She told me about it, she called her sponsor and though she said I need not worry I will keep it in my pocket. She's been so much more open and honest since I stopped judging and let her know that its ok to have urges, fighting them off is what matters.

totally agree here. i've been looking for the same thing and his positivity and honesty has helped me also.

I kept track of my meds in my iPad notes... 20 mg hydrocodone plus flexiril every six hours makes the brain into mush. She didn't touch them.
Yeeeesh, even after nine days I can understand the confusion alcoholics go through in recovery better. I have no idea what the hell happened the first 3-4 days but whatever I said ..lim sorry!

Pain is down to where I can get by with clenched teeth and a few profanities when I get up. But... Day 10 and I am already better than I was when I limped into the surgery center. After a week or so on narcotics I am glad I decided to 'just say no' to all the **** I was offered by my pain docs for a year... I can see how easy it would be to get addicted.

You're Lucky Those Worked For You
 

I am unique (or odd, strange, peculiar - Whatever you want to call it) in that I have a very high tolerance to pain medication. In other words, I have to take 3-4 times the normal dose of say Vicodin, to get any sort of relief. For some reason my body can tolerate high doses of narcotics/opiates, etc. It's a good thing I don't have an adictive personality - I'd be broke quicker than anyone. The same with something like Novocaine - the dentist has to shoot me up several times.

Even anesthesia - during my last surgery, when they make you count back from 100, I made it to 72! The entire OR stopped and stared at me when I got to 85! I said, "Just wait, I'll get to the 70's with no issue!"

In a way it's good that I'm like this because I can get some relief and still be high-functoning. The downside is that I never can really take enough to get the relief 'normal' people get.

I'm weird, and I'm okay with it!!

C-OH Dad