Requesting advice for Christmas - dealing with RABF and ABIL

Old 12-24-2012, 01:46 AM
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Requesting advice for Christmas - dealing with RABF and ABIL

After a brief, joyful spell of convincing myself I am capable of being relaxed about Christmas, my last nerve is about to snap and I really hope someone has some advice or kind words at least. I don't mean to sound unappreciative as I am most defnitely very thankful for feedback, but I'm really hoping only those with advice or kindness will reply to this thread as I really can't deal with cruel-to-be-kind comments right now.

So, RABF is three weeks into his sobriety. I always knew this time would be difficult, but there's nothing to do but live through it. BF's estranged alcoholic father turned up the other night (he tracked us down) and stood outside the house screaming abuse at us, accusing BF of owing him money. I had just written my post about letting go of my worry surrounding Christmas and New Year and adopting a more relaxed approach when we were hit with that. This would have been a massive trigger before that would have had BF crack a beer within seconds. He didn't which is fantastic. Sadly, for completely dysfunctional reasons I won't go into as they are too ridiculous for belief and even I don't understand them myself, though estranged from the family BF's father lives right next door to BF's mother (where we will spend Christmas) with his new wife and kids. That alone is pressure enough, but BF now has it in his mind to return the abuse we copped the other night "just to spoil his Christmas like he spoiled ours". This will just add a whole lot more fuel to an already precarious situation. More triggers.

So, the next two days will be spent with his family. BF's brother has arrived and is also a vicious alcoholic, who tends to rip into and demean me whenever I see him. RABF and he were always close and tend to have a tumultuous relationship. They were always big drinking buddies and I suspect ABIL has taken a particular dislike to me out of a sense of jealousy and upset that we will be moving to my country within the year (hopefully), and away from him and RABF's country. ABIL is a difficult enough person when he is sober, but give him a drink and everything gets a whole lot worse. RABF knows what his brother is like, but downplays the way he has treated me. I suspect this is a mix of lack of memory (as he was usually drunk too) and denial as he doesn't want to try to stand up to his brother.... even for thoe woman "he loves more than life itself". Now that he is sober, I am really hoping he will intervene if and when this happens from now one, but I can't be certain.

I know for a fact ABIL will test my last nerve, and I am doing some reading on how to react (or not to react), but as I am so on edge I wonder how well I will be able to do this. On top of this, I know for certain he will belittle BF's need for sobriety, like I poisoned his mind or something, and push and push him to drink. I am deadly serious when I say this. He will definitely do this. So, another big test for RABF.

I tried to set some ground rules about ABIL the other day. First, that BF would not leave me alone with him, and second that he will stand up for me if need be. But I have recently come to realise (after doing some reading and trying to pinpoint what is going on with our relationship) that there is a bigger problem here. It is the way RABF treats me.

I have just come to realise he has become increasingly passive-aggressive in the way he treats me. I'm not sure if he knows he's doing it or not, but I think his feelings of powerlessness in many respects cause him to belittle me (like doing imitations of me crying and insisting I was always like this... I wasn't), make jokes at my expense, and physically push me around. Not in an aggressive way, but in a demeaning way, such as holding me down or pinching my cheeks. I got annoyed and upset by this behaviour before, but brushed it off as he is a joker. But it's not funny anymore and never really was. And it's not just restricted to brief moments of playfulness, it seems to be all the time now. I have tried to talk to him about it and ask him to tone it down, but he just laughs it off. I now realise this is textbook passive-aggression.

Already, the next two days seem insurmountable, and the thought of him belittling me in front of his family is just awful. And unacceptable. This morning, I calmly explained to him that he cannot do this around his family or in general, and that it is unfair. That he is to treat me with respect, and to expect others to do so too. He then fires up (doesn't matter how I approach these conversations) and says that as he is Polish, Christmas is very important to him, and that if I get upset (not "If someone is rude to you" or "If I behave badly") he will make up some excuse (not sure why there are always excuses involved) and drop me home and go back. I can't imagine how asking to be treated with respect would inspire such a response. He should, instead, be ashamed I would have to ask. Yet he always tries to turn things around.

So, that about sums up the feeling of dread I have about these days. I have already managed (after many fights) to cut my visit shorter by staying home until tonight, but I will have all night and all day and night tomorrow to get through. I would like nothing more than to be there for him and help him through this time (as I know the family will all get completely drunk and offensive, completely disrespecting the fact he has only just quit), but if he doesn't do his part for me, then I will be completely vulnerable to the lot of them.

There's a lot in this post, so thanks for bearing with me. I guess I am asking for some inspiration to help me get through this. I need some tips for dealing with ABIL and his constant attempts to challenge and upset me. But most importantly, how do I get it across to RABF that I need his support too, in its most basic form (ie. treating me with respect rather than a source of his and others' amusement)?
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Old 12-24-2012, 02:43 AM
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Hi Audrey.

The dynamic here sounds like a very difficult and sick situation.

The only one you can control is you. You can not effect a change in the behavior of others.

If it were me, I would either not go, or limit my time there to a couple of hours, or just for dinner.

The issues you are describing , IMO go way beyond spending Christmas time with the family. Your unhappiness in this situation sounds very deep , for good reason.

This dynamic is not going to change unless there is a willingness by all the players.

It sounds like a grin and bare it situation , or a situation to avoid altogether.

Take care of you. Katie
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Old 12-24-2012, 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Katiekate View Post
The dynamic here sounds like a very difficult and sick situation.
Thanks, Katiekate. This is a sick situation. I haven't gone into much detail, but what has happened with this family and continues to happen is horribly disturbing. They are all so enmeshed in each other's lives that other member's problems instantly become ours. And everyone is a mess as a result. I am frustrated that it is making me a mess too as I was previously a very strong person. I was able to identify dysfunction and avoid it.

But RABF can't choose his family. He is largely oblivious as to the extent of how sick everything is, but didn't live in this country for a long time on account of what happened with his parents and the general mentality of the people who live in this particularly isolated town. There's an awful lot of alcoholism here.

This is one of the reasons we have been trying to leave and are in the process of applying for his visa to my country. We met in a third country and I had no indication of how bad things were here. His drinking was there before, but I never really realised how bad it was until we got here. It basically skyrocketed.

I know things will be much better when we are away from here and this nonsense, but I just hope he can get rid of the sickness in him and we can both become strong people again.
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Old 12-24-2012, 03:46 AM
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I really don't know if I have any brilliant solutions to your current problem. I'm glad that your bf did not drink the other night when his ranting father showed up on your door. Personally, I would have called the police once the man started.

Is there any way you can limit your time with your boyfriend's family? Again, this is just me, I don't think I could purposefully place myself into a situation where I knew that people did not like me and would treat me with contempt--just to make someone else happy. You deserve to have some peace and joy this holiday, too!

In the past, when I have been confronted with angry and hateful people, remaining calm and detached has worked quite well to diffuse the situation. Humor, not reacting, not raising my own voice to match their's, all go a long way to calm things down--plus then the abuse they are dishing out is apparent to others as well. That and perhaps stick as close as possible to the members of your boyfriend's family with whom you get along really well!

Good luck with whatever you decide!
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Old 12-24-2012, 07:54 AM
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hi Audrey, sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with the posters here that limiting your time in his family's company is a good idea, if you can't avoid it at all. You can only set a boundary for yourself and if you can't rely on your BF to respond in the way you want, then I'd make plans to do something else if you can for some of the day or just be by yourself. You don't owe your BF to go to his family if they make you feel like this and he doesn't sound like he's treating you in a way that makes him deserve that courtesy.

I hope your Christmas passes by without too much drama.
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Old 12-24-2012, 08:16 AM
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Dear Audrey, so sorry for what sounds like a dreadful set-up for a very abusive bad couple of days. At least, you can know that you are in the hearts and prayers of many here on Sober Recovery so you don't feel so alone.

It sounds like there are many issues here in your relationships with your boyfriend that warrant some real thinking about, but the immediate crisis is what to do today and tomorrow.

If it were me, I'd just not go at all. Maybe to a church service, if that is part of this. If I did go, I'd do my best to have my own transportation. If that's not possible, I'd alert a taxi service to make sure you can call them to get home if you want to, and make sure you have enough cash to do it. Last resort, I'd be ready to take your boyfriend up on his offer of a ride home. If you can drive in this country, I'd take an extra car key so you can get yourself home, and someone else can drive your boyfriend home.

If I had to go, I'd pretend that I was visiting aliens from another planet who were very "good-behavior-challenged" and never for a moment think that you are going to have any normal pleasant polite interchanges with them. Perhaps imagine them as if they were wearing alien costumes and could only understand some incomprehensible language that you do not speak. That should help you detach and keep yourself amused and distanced. I might even go so far as to privately begin to compile a list of "bad-behavior rules" that their country promotes. Maybe, 1. no good turn goes without a corresponding bad response. 2. You get points for bad things said to people. 3. You get extra points if you say a bad thing loudly enough or in bad enough language that the other person responds....
Then count up the points....

Anything at all to detach from this and not take it personally.

If your ABF manages to get through this without drinking, that will be a major victory. I would hope for that and not expect much else - its too much a powder-keg of malicious entwined bad behavior by his entire family to hope for much else. The time to sort it out with him is later when he can have some time to get some perspective on what went on. You can invite him to leave with you, but until he can link his drinking to all these triggers, it will be hard for him in the moment.

The pinching your cheeks when you tell him to stop and other aggressive physical behavior is a real warning sign. Just keep yourself safe through this little hurricane of a holiday!

We'll be thinking of you, and sending GOOD FRIENDLY HELPFUL thoughts your way!

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Old 12-24-2012, 03:23 PM
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I don't have any answers, just a question..why do you put up with all this BS? His sickness, his abuse is not going to just go away...it will take years of therapy and a strong recovery program...you can move to the moon and it won't make any difference, he will still ridicule you...unless he gets healthy.

You don't have to stay in this mess, you have choices. I hope that you make the right decisions for you.
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