Leaving AH, full custody?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 7
Leaving AH, full custody?
Hey everyone,
I posted about a month ago about considering leaving my husband. I've been putting money aside for this purpose now. I believe he has an idea of my intentions. He has threatened to get a lawyer and try to get full custody of our 2 children if I divorce him. The thought of this keeps me up at night, I'm so scared that he could possibly do this. My kids are babies, my son is a year and a half and my daughter is 6 months old. I don't even leave them alone with him because hes so irresponsible most of the time so the thought of him having them with him full time makes me crazy. I don't know what to do about this, is there is any evidence I can gather before I leave that would build a good case against him if he were to try for full custody? He may be just threatening, I don't really know but I want to be ready just in case its something he decides to do. I know he loves our children but he does not have their best interest in mind.
I posted about a month ago about considering leaving my husband. I've been putting money aside for this purpose now. I believe he has an idea of my intentions. He has threatened to get a lawyer and try to get full custody of our 2 children if I divorce him. The thought of this keeps me up at night, I'm so scared that he could possibly do this. My kids are babies, my son is a year and a half and my daughter is 6 months old. I don't even leave them alone with him because hes so irresponsible most of the time so the thought of him having them with him full time makes me crazy. I don't know what to do about this, is there is any evidence I can gather before I leave that would build a good case against him if he were to try for full custody? He may be just threatening, I don't really know but I want to be ready just in case its something he decides to do. I know he loves our children but he does not have their best interest in mind.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Abby, what a terrible thing to have hanging over your head at Christmas. I've gone back and read your previous posts and I don't think your husband would have the ghost of a chance of getting full custody of the children. He has a history of heavy alcohol consumption, leaving child care to you, police attendance etc.
Although I don't know him I would guess that he's all bluff. There's no way he could care for 2 young children, and as it would get in the way with his drinking I bet he would be terrified if you said 'go on, take them'. So I suggest you try not to show you are intimidated (I have a feeling you are a very strong woman) and carry on with your plans quietly. As soon as the holidays are over, get legal advice.
In the meanwhile diarise everything as it happens, including who else was a witness. This will help immensely.
Stay strong, and try not to let your imagination run away with you. He can't and won't take the children.
All the best.
Although I don't know him I would guess that he's all bluff. There's no way he could care for 2 young children, and as it would get in the way with his drinking I bet he would be terrified if you said 'go on, take them'. So I suggest you try not to show you are intimidated (I have a feeling you are a very strong woman) and carry on with your plans quietly. As soon as the holidays are over, get legal advice.
In the meanwhile diarise everything as it happens, including who else was a witness. This will help immensely.
Stay strong, and try not to let your imagination run away with you. He can't and won't take the children.
All the best.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
He is trying to manipulate you into staying. Chances of him getting custody is next to nothing.
A judge isn't going to take away babies at that age from their mother and give them to a drunk.
FeelingGreat has good advice. Don't let him bully you and keep making your plans to leave.
A judge isn't going to take away babies at that age from their mother and give them to a drunk.
FeelingGreat has good advice. Don't let him bully you and keep making your plans to leave.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
IMO these are idle threats, they all say the same things. It's like they are reading from the same book.
First of all there is a record of his arrest, secondly in Florida you (as the mother)would really have had to do something real, real serious before the courts would not award custody of the children to the mother.
See a family law attorney, don't listen to his BS, he as an addict has the attention span of a 3 yo, once the wheels are rolling he will most likely move onto something else.
Protect those children, you are their future.
First of all there is a record of his arrest, secondly in Florida you (as the mother)would really have had to do something real, real serious before the courts would not award custody of the children to the mother.
See a family law attorney, don't listen to his BS, he as an addict has the attention span of a 3 yo, once the wheels are rolling he will most likely move onto something else.
Protect those children, you are their future.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
He has threatened to get a lawyer and try to get full custody of our 2 children if I divorce him. The thought of this keeps me up at night, I'm so scared that he could possibly do this. My kids are babies, my son is a year and a half and my daughter is 6 months old. I don't even leave them alone with him because hes so irresponsible most of the time
If you leave with the kids, I highly doubt any judge is going to award him full custody.
That said, you need evidence of his alcoholism to demonstrate why he shouldn't have visits where he drives them around. Also, keep records (date/time/pics) of irresponsible things that he does to show that he can't take care of them by himself - even for short-term visits.
What are some of the irresponsible things that he does that makes him unfit to watch the kids? Make a list of those things.
Does he have any DUIs? Have outsiders witnessed anything?
Does he work? Are you a SAHM? What's the situation?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 7
Thanks everyone for the replies. I think I knew that he wouldn't have a chance at getting custody but its good to hear it from other people too. Its very scary to me to imagine him caring for our children by himself. He is not a responsible person at this point, maybe that will change down the road but I have to deal with right now. And right now I have 2 babies in this unhealthy environment and I need to get us out of it. I'm tired of the ups and downs. He will go a week or two now without drinking, goes to his AA meetings then stays out all night at a bar, feels guilty the next day and starts going to more and more meetings, its just this horrible cycle now and I just want it to end. I know there will come a time when hes back to drinking all day, everyday again. His binges are getting more and more frequent now. I wish with all my heart that things could be different but unfortunately I don't believe they will be.
I do agree that he is most likely bluffing about getting custody. Hes so manipulative. He has to know deep down that the best place for our kids are not with him. I have a really great family, my parents, my sister and her husband, aunts, and grandmother all live about 8 hours away from here and thats where I will be going. I know that me and the kids will have a wonderful support system there. My family loves my husband and they're worried about what will happen to him when we do leave but they want us there, they want to help us and I think they're realizing that I can't fix my husband. Us being here is not going to make or break him. If he wants to get sober he will do it, with or without us. I do worry about him but I worry about the effects that his alcoholism could have on our kids more. I really want to thank everyone who posted on my last thread. I had asked when you know its time to leave and got some amazing replies. Things I didn't want to hear but needed to. I didn't grow up around alcoholism, this is all so foreign to me so reading about your experiences was what I needed I think. I know that I don't want my children to grow up that way. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
To answer some of your questions, my husband has no DUI's, he was arrested back in September for battery and resisting arrest, I got copies of the police report for that incident, maybe it would help if he were to take me to court for full custody. I'm not really sure but I'm saving everything I can dig up having to do with his drinking.
He does work, hes in the military. They had forced him into inpatient treatment in September after his arrest. He did 28 days there and seemed to be doing well after but has had 5 or 6 "slip ups" as he calls them since then. If his CO finds out hes been drinking he will be kicked out. Hes pretty secretive if he drinks. He goes to bars in bad sections of town so he doesn't run into anyone he would know. I don't allow him in the house if he drinks. I have all the house keys and if I suspect hes been drinking then he sleeps outside in his car. I am a stay at home mom. So getting an attorney would be difficult for me at this point. I have been saving money in a secret account so that I can afford a place of our own when we leave.
Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions. I am going to start writing everything in a diary as well. Thank you for suggesting that!
I do agree that he is most likely bluffing about getting custody. Hes so manipulative. He has to know deep down that the best place for our kids are not with him. I have a really great family, my parents, my sister and her husband, aunts, and grandmother all live about 8 hours away from here and thats where I will be going. I know that me and the kids will have a wonderful support system there. My family loves my husband and they're worried about what will happen to him when we do leave but they want us there, they want to help us and I think they're realizing that I can't fix my husband. Us being here is not going to make or break him. If he wants to get sober he will do it, with or without us. I do worry about him but I worry about the effects that his alcoholism could have on our kids more. I really want to thank everyone who posted on my last thread. I had asked when you know its time to leave and got some amazing replies. Things I didn't want to hear but needed to. I didn't grow up around alcoholism, this is all so foreign to me so reading about your experiences was what I needed I think. I know that I don't want my children to grow up that way. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
To answer some of your questions, my husband has no DUI's, he was arrested back in September for battery and resisting arrest, I got copies of the police report for that incident, maybe it would help if he were to take me to court for full custody. I'm not really sure but I'm saving everything I can dig up having to do with his drinking.
He does work, hes in the military. They had forced him into inpatient treatment in September after his arrest. He did 28 days there and seemed to be doing well after but has had 5 or 6 "slip ups" as he calls them since then. If his CO finds out hes been drinking he will be kicked out. Hes pretty secretive if he drinks. He goes to bars in bad sections of town so he doesn't run into anyone he would know. I don't allow him in the house if he drinks. I have all the house keys and if I suspect hes been drinking then he sleeps outside in his car. I am a stay at home mom. So getting an attorney would be difficult for me at this point. I have been saving money in a secret account so that I can afford a place of our own when we leave.
Thanks so much everyone for your suggestions. I am going to start writing everything in a diary as well. Thank you for suggesting that!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
He does work, hes in the military. They had forced him into inpatient treatment in September after his arrest. He did 28 days there and seemed to be doing well after but has had 5 or 6 "slip ups" as he calls them since then. If his CO finds out hes been drinking he will be kicked out. Hes pretty secretive if he drinks. He goes to bars in bad sections of town so he doesn't run into anyone he would know. I don't allow him in the house if he drinks. I have all the house keys and if I suspect hes been drinking then he sleeps outside in his car. I am a stay at home mom. So getting an attorney would be difficult for me at this point. I have been saving money in a secret account so that I can afford a place of our own when we leave.
In many states there's something called First Right of Refusal. That means that even if your H tried to get custody, he'd be told that the kids must be with you while he's at work because you have First Right of Refusal...which means he can't put the kids in daycare if you're willing to watch them yourself. You have to be given that option first.
Can you live with your parents for free? I know that you're saving money, but in truth, will you be able to afford food, rent, etc month after month? How much do you think your AH would be ordered to pay in child support?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 7
Thank you, I didn't know about First Right of Refusal. I think that would help a lot in my case if anything does come of these threats.
My parents have a pretty small house so I don't think it would be a good place for me and the kids there. They only have one extra bedroom and I really don't want to burden them. They're great and I know they wouldn't feel that way about us living there but I just want a place of our own. I found some nice apartments in their area so I think I could work that out.
My parents have a pretty small house so I don't think it would be a good place for me and the kids there. They only have one extra bedroom and I really don't want to burden them. They're great and I know they wouldn't feel that way about us living there but I just want a place of our own. I found some nice apartments in their area so I think I could work that out.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
So, even if your H were to somehow get custody (not likely), your atty would insist that you have a Right of Refusal Clause put in the agreement. So, that would take a lot of wind out of your AH's sails right there. You'd essentially have "daytime" custody even if he were awarded custody. I don't know what hours your AH works, but most full time working people are gone from the home about 60 hours a week or more because of travel time, lunch hour, plus the 8 hour work day.
What is Covered Under a Right First of Refusal Clause?
Basically, right of first refusal means that before a parent can use the services of a daycare, sitter or relative they must give the other parent the option to be with the child. If your ex is not going to be with your child, you want the opportunity to spend that time with the child.
What Circumstances are Covered Under the Right of First Refusal?
After work daycare; if either parent is available to keep the child while the other works, that parents has the right of first refusal.
If a parent has a date, the other parent has the right of first refusal over plans to leave the child with a sitter or third party caregiver.
If a child has a doctor’s appointment and the custodial parent is unable to take the child, the non-custodial parent has the right of first refusal.
If a parent plans a vacation the other parent has the first right of refusal when it comes to deciding who the child stays with during the parent’s absence.
The list goes on and on. Essentially what right of first refusal does is make it impossible for one parent to leave in the care of anyone without first giving the other parent to option of keeping the child.
What is Covered Under a Right First of Refusal Clause?
Basically, right of first refusal means that before a parent can use the services of a daycare, sitter or relative they must give the other parent the option to be with the child. If your ex is not going to be with your child, you want the opportunity to spend that time with the child.
What Circumstances are Covered Under the Right of First Refusal?
After work daycare; if either parent is available to keep the child while the other works, that parents has the right of first refusal.
If a parent has a date, the other parent has the right of first refusal over plans to leave the child with a sitter or third party caregiver.
If a child has a doctor’s appointment and the custodial parent is unable to take the child, the non-custodial parent has the right of first refusal.
If a parent plans a vacation the other parent has the first right of refusal when it comes to deciding who the child stays with during the parent’s absence.
The list goes on and on. Essentially what right of first refusal does is make it impossible for one parent to leave in the care of anyone without first giving the other parent to option of keeping the child.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
This whole custody issue is something that keeps me up at night as well. I want to leave my Wife, but I know she would fight tooth-and-nail for full custody, and possibly get it because she's the Mother. Thing is, she drinks too excess most nights and when/if he wakes up and cries, she can't hear him because she's passed out snoring on the couch.
She admitted to the marriage counselor that she 'did' abuse alcohol, but I'm not sure that would be admissable. So, I'm just keeping a log of her antics and consumption, and waiting for the next big f-up, then I'm going to a lawyer. I don't want that dear, sweet child anywhere around her.
She admitted to the marriage counselor that she 'did' abuse alcohol, but I'm not sure that would be admissable. So, I'm just keeping a log of her antics and consumption, and waiting for the next big f-up, then I'm going to a lawyer. I don't want that dear, sweet child anywhere around her.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Just some tips about keeping a diary/journal of their behaviors for possible use in court.... write down as much detail as you can
- date and time of event
- place of event
- what you were wearing, what he was wearing
- were there any others present (other possible witnesses)
- ask neighbors if they heard/saw anything and make a note if they did
- what did the children witness
- what measures did you take to protect the children
- keep all receipts for alcohol purchases or credit card statements for bar tabs
- provide copies of bank statements noting cash withdrawals made from ATM's, especially if they seem excessive
- keep/print text messages and emails
I know this sounds like over-kill, but look at it from the judge's point of view. You're standing there in court and hand over a notebook full of pages and pages of detailed incriminating information....The judge sees that you have gone to all this trouble to document in such detail and it gives your position more weight... and the other party (your AH) is standing there with precious little in rebuttal. Makes good sense, eh?
Document, document, document!!!
- date and time of event
- place of event
- what you were wearing, what he was wearing
- were there any others present (other possible witnesses)
- ask neighbors if they heard/saw anything and make a note if they did
- what did the children witness
- what measures did you take to protect the children
- keep all receipts for alcohol purchases or credit card statements for bar tabs
- provide copies of bank statements noting cash withdrawals made from ATM's, especially if they seem excessive
- keep/print text messages and emails
I know this sounds like over-kill, but look at it from the judge's point of view. You're standing there in court and hand over a notebook full of pages and pages of detailed incriminating information....The judge sees that you have gone to all this trouble to document in such detail and it gives your position more weight... and the other party (your AH) is standing there with precious little in rebuttal. Makes good sense, eh?
Document, document, document!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by tjp613 
Just some tips about keeping a diary/journal of their behaviors for possible use in court.... write down as much detail as you can
- date and time of event
- place of event
- what you were wearing, what he was wearing
- were there any others present (other possible witnesses)
- ask neighbors if they heard/saw anything and make a note if they did
- what did the children witness
- what measures did you take to protect the children
- keep all receipts for alcohol purchases or credit card statements for bar tabs
- provide copies of bank statements noting cash withdrawals made from ATM's, especially if they seem excessive
- keep/print text messages and emails
I know this sounds like over-kill, but look at it from the judge's point of view. You're standing there in court and hand over a notebook full of pages and pages of detailed incriminating information....The judge sees that you have gone to all this trouble to document in such detail and it gives your position more weight... and the other party (your AH) is standing there with precious little in rebuttal. Makes good sense, eh?
Document, document, document!!!
- date and time of event
- place of event
- what you were wearing, what he was wearing
- were there any others present (other possible witnesses)
- ask neighbors if they heard/saw anything and make a note if they did
- what did the children witness
- what measures did you take to protect the children
- keep all receipts for alcohol purchases or credit card statements for bar tabs
- provide copies of bank statements noting cash withdrawals made from ATM's, especially if they seem excessive
- keep/print text messages and emails
I know this sounds like over-kill, but look at it from the judge's point of view. You're standing there in court and hand over a notebook full of pages and pages of detailed incriminating information....The judge sees that you have gone to all this trouble to document in such detail and it gives your position more weight... and the other party (your AH) is standing there with precious little in rebuttal. Makes good sense, eh?
Document, document, document!!!
This is very true.
People who keep detailed records are usually believed in court. It makes a case less of a "he said, she said" situation.
Also, use your cell phone to take pics of various things...empty bottles, passed out drunk spouse, and messes made by the drunk (spills on carpets), etc. Then email the pics to yourself and a second private email.
there are cell phone apps that will record your phone calls (which you then email to yourself), email text messages to your email acct, and email your phone messages.
Try to have witnesses as much as possible...preferably ones that aren't related to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Here is an article addressing "custody" in Florida - interestingly Florida has instituted the term "time sharing" as opposed to custody.
It looks like with your husbands documented violent behavior and alcoholism you will have a strong case to limit his time with the children as well as ask for supervised visitation based on his history. Every state is different.......
WomensLaw.org | Florida: Custody
You really should meet with an attorney as soon as possible to find out what kind of information you need to have, and what will be admissible in court. No point in gathering evidence you can't use and lacking evidence you could have used.
It looks like with your husbands documented violent behavior and alcoholism you will have a strong case to limit his time with the children as well as ask for supervised visitation based on his history. Every state is different.......
WomensLaw.org | Florida: Custody
You really should meet with an attorney as soon as possible to find out what kind of information you need to have, and what will be admissible in court. No point in gathering evidence you can't use and lacking evidence you could have used.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Most attorneys offer a free consultation. They usually limit the time to an hour. I had two free consultations (different attorneys).
The free consultation doesn't mean divorce is imminent. It means you are gathering facts. These facts will help you understand your rights.
The free consultation doesn't mean divorce is imminent. It means you are gathering facts. These facts will help you understand your rights.
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