ShootingStar1

I had the same experience as StarCat, and I have the same reaction as most of the posters: run, there's no reason to start a relationship with someone who has so many red flags. You are worth more, you are free to choose a healthy relationship even if you have some issues.

20 years ago, I had just married my now STBXAH (soon to be ex alcoholic husband), and within a few months was feeling that I had made a terrible mistake. Almost divorced him that first summer. He was already into controlling behavior, putting me down, wanting to move me away from my family and friends and church, fighting with my children who were home, siding with his kids of similar ages so that we were a family divided...

He was also brilliant, intellectually fascinating, witty, funny, successful, and had just swept me off my feet and I was totally enamored by him and in love with him.

I did raise my doubts with a therapist I had trusted for many years, and his response was "well, this must be step-parenting stuff, he seems like such a good guy". So I trusted the therapist, swallowed my doubts, and stayed.

Over the next 20 years, he alienated my friends, my church, moved me to another state alone at the top of a remote little mountain, and I acquiesced to being under his thumb and I let myself become more and more alone and lonely and less and less able to express and act on my needs. He became an alcoholic with black-outs and very abusive, and I stayed because I thought I had a duty to be a loyal wife to an older sick husband with medical problems.

Now 20 years later, I realize my AH is a narcissist who will do and say anything to build himself up at my expense, an alcoholic and porn addict, and I became submerged to his will to the point where I almost lost myself.

I left on July 4th when he charged over $500 on MY credit card as part of his porn addiction. Since then, the real "me" has been re-emerging and I am happier and happier.

Shame on my therapist for putting down my instincts instead of saying "let's look at these doubts openly and honestly. What is going on, where are these doubts coming from?" Shame on me for not listening to the truth inside me.

I can't quite figure out your explanation of what your therapist means to accomplish and how she is going about it, but that may be because I am not familiar with that kind of therapy. However, for me, I'd look at the end result. Even if the point is to teach a kind of process, what matters is where that process takes you. Believing in your own instincts, your gut, is part of self preservation.

From what you've said, I think you're seeing red flags about this man, and the flags are waving "look at me". Take what you want, leave the rest. We all wish you the best here,

ShootingStar1

velma929

My late husband didn't drink that much when I met him (in his 30s) and continued to decline throughout his life.

I'd be looking for a non-perfect person who wasn't good at math, or left dirty clothes on the floor.

Of course people shouldn't be judgmental. I have a philosophy;

If one's drinking is causing problems, one is likely a problem drinker.

OUIs, blackouts, seeing a need to go on the wagon but being unable to do so; I see red flags all over.