Another run-in
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Another run-in
Hi all,
You may remember axbf took a job across the street from where I work. I ran into him the other day and I don't know what possessed me, I ran up to him and gave him a hug. He told me he has been feeling really sick and has an incurable disease that produces strong feelings of vertigo and dizziness. I felt horrible about that and asked him if I could buy him a cup of coffee. He said he didn't see the point, so I said ok.
Later I got on the internet and found medical advice states he should not be drinking or smoking so I was pondering that and hoping that he has been taking care of himself. I wonder if this will be the motivation he needs to lead a healthy lifestyle. Of course it is none of my business and I felt kind of sad about it all, but I know he has lots of friends. If I was his gf now, I would certainly be a complete nag (even more so than before!) so it's probably a good thing that we broke up when we did. My sense of anger is finally yielding towards compassion.
As for my recovery, I am glad to be spending the holiday with family. I have terrible feelings of loneliness & inadequacy and I know that's what is making me think of him even still. We went to a bookstore today and I saw all kinds of books I knew he would have loved. Letting go has been so painful over the last few months and I told myself after the New Year it would be time to put aside my grieving and focus on rebuilding my life. Being away from my apartment for a while is a good start of letting go of all those memories.
Having a broken heart really sucks but let's hope for a positive 2013!
You may remember axbf took a job across the street from where I work. I ran into him the other day and I don't know what possessed me, I ran up to him and gave him a hug. He told me he has been feeling really sick and has an incurable disease that produces strong feelings of vertigo and dizziness. I felt horrible about that and asked him if I could buy him a cup of coffee. He said he didn't see the point, so I said ok.
Later I got on the internet and found medical advice states he should not be drinking or smoking so I was pondering that and hoping that he has been taking care of himself. I wonder if this will be the motivation he needs to lead a healthy lifestyle. Of course it is none of my business and I felt kind of sad about it all, but I know he has lots of friends. If I was his gf now, I would certainly be a complete nag (even more so than before!) so it's probably a good thing that we broke up when we did. My sense of anger is finally yielding towards compassion.
As for my recovery, I am glad to be spending the holiday with family. I have terrible feelings of loneliness & inadequacy and I know that's what is making me think of him even still. We went to a bookstore today and I saw all kinds of books I knew he would have loved. Letting go has been so painful over the last few months and I told myself after the New Year it would be time to put aside my grieving and focus on rebuilding my life. Being away from my apartment for a while is a good start of letting go of all those memories.
Having a broken heart really sucks but let's hope for a positive 2013!
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
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You were trying to be kind and that's a good trait.
People can be very tricky especially when in fragile states.
Essentially, it is difficult to do a great deal for others when feeling low ourselves.
Hope your New Year personal efforts bear fruit.
People can be very tricky especially when in fragile states.
Essentially, it is difficult to do a great deal for others when feeling low ourselves.
Hope your New Year personal efforts bear fruit.
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Thanks Murchovski...
by far it was one of the worst breakups I have ever been through. Due to the verbal abuse it has taken me what seems like forever to get over it and feel human again. I feel kind now but for months I was furious, bitter and depressed. I guess it really takes a lot of time to get over these things...
by far it was one of the worst breakups I have ever been through. Due to the verbal abuse it has taken me what seems like forever to get over it and feel human again. I feel kind now but for months I was furious, bitter and depressed. I guess it really takes a lot of time to get over these things...
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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((Ziggy))
That sounds like a bittersweet run-in. I seem to recall that the last time you spotted him you were much more shaken up about it? I think an impulse to hug him is lovely. You had a bond. More important is that you didn't let it derail you.
Re verbal abuse and how long it takes to recover: I don't think there were moments of verbal abuse, usually during fights about his drinking, and many more just scary chaotic stuff during the spring. When I was out of the country this summer after leaving at that time non-recovering ABF at his very worst, I felt like I was fleeing. I didn't realize how tense I was until I was on the plane. I thought that was it, I am going to relax for two months and regain my self.
It didn't quite work out that way, because I couldn't stop replaying some of the scary drunken episodes in my mind. I had nightmares about some of the things he said and did.
When I came back in September, and he was in rehab, I found that I was still reacting. I was waiting for the rage to come. I have never seen it come back since he has been sober. But for the first month, everytime I heard the freezer door open, where he used to store his vodka, my stomach would do a flip of anxiety and nausea. That died down over time.
It's just amazing how long these reactions linger. Oh and noticing holiday presents for them in shops, I am so guilty for that. I actually carried a few around for awhile that he would like, before I came to my senses and had to put them back. It's the disbelief of the loss that keeps sneaking back.
That sounds like a bittersweet run-in. I seem to recall that the last time you spotted him you were much more shaken up about it? I think an impulse to hug him is lovely. You had a bond. More important is that you didn't let it derail you.
Re verbal abuse and how long it takes to recover: I don't think there were moments of verbal abuse, usually during fights about his drinking, and many more just scary chaotic stuff during the spring. When I was out of the country this summer after leaving at that time non-recovering ABF at his very worst, I felt like I was fleeing. I didn't realize how tense I was until I was on the plane. I thought that was it, I am going to relax for two months and regain my self.
It didn't quite work out that way, because I couldn't stop replaying some of the scary drunken episodes in my mind. I had nightmares about some of the things he said and did.
When I came back in September, and he was in rehab, I found that I was still reacting. I was waiting for the rage to come. I have never seen it come back since he has been sober. But for the first month, everytime I heard the freezer door open, where he used to store his vodka, my stomach would do a flip of anxiety and nausea. That died down over time.
It's just amazing how long these reactions linger. Oh and noticing holiday presents for them in shops, I am so guilty for that. I actually carried a few around for awhile that he would like, before I came to my senses and had to put them back. It's the disbelief of the loss that keeps sneaking back.
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Thanks emeraldsea...
I do love him to pieces even today. I don't think he will ever stop drinking or get help for his psychological problems. I tried to help him and make things better. I suffered through endless amounts of pain and I just need a nice quiet life.
I do love him to pieces even today. I don't think he will ever stop drinking or get help for his psychological problems. I tried to help him and make things better. I suffered through endless amounts of pain and I just need a nice quiet life.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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Ziggy I hope you enjoy the holidays. It is nice to get away.
Yes we still kinda love them but it can be done from a distance.
I went down the road to ask a friend to check my mailbox & he said my xabf turned up the other morning asking for some work to be done at his property & he stunk of alcohol, yes it was morning.
Some things don't change but we my dear friend can.
Hugs. :ghug3
Yes we still kinda love them but it can be done from a distance.
I went down the road to ask a friend to check my mailbox & he said my xabf turned up the other morning asking for some work to be done at his property & he stunk of alcohol, yes it was morning.
Some things don't change but we my dear friend can.
Hugs. :ghug3
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 336
Ziggy - I have been reading a lot about why we feel this way - "women who love to much". It helped to understand that there are historical reasons we feel this way. I had a situation today which was very different - my new boss started making me feel the way my AH used to as well as others that used to put me down - over their issues not mine. I haven't decided what to do yet but I recognize that it's not something I want to put up with. I think the fact that we are all here on SR shows how real this problem is. I have yet to come across someone who feels like this years and years on - so it must just be a matter of time. you're not alone. I think it's true that we feel even more like this (obsessed wih them) when we are feeling lonely and inadequate, but it's an illusion that they can make us feel better - its just the damage they did to us. We are all going to get better! And I bet next year will be a turning point. Let's all be together in spirit this xmas. ((Hugs)).
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Ziggy, ((((hugs)))) and happy holidays.
I left my AW about 20 months ago and yes it does get better. I have working a mindfulness practice and I have gotten great results with that. There is plenty you can find out about that online.
For me in the beginning it was like an intense pain. As time and my recovery the pain slowly decreased. The best way I can describe it is that it started as a horrible tooth ache, sometimes flaring into something that was the only thing I could think about and the rest of the time it was always on my mind to one degree or another.
Later the pain was like a dull tooth ache, it still had my attention way to much but I could finally function without it being my main focus of attention.
Now I am at the point where it is like a chipped tooth. It almost never hurts but I find myself probing it with my tongue every now and then to see if it is still there.
So hang in there, you can get back to a good place. Just be patient and gentle with yourself.
Your friend,
I left my AW about 20 months ago and yes it does get better. I have working a mindfulness practice and I have gotten great results with that. There is plenty you can find out about that online.
For me in the beginning it was like an intense pain. As time and my recovery the pain slowly decreased. The best way I can describe it is that it started as a horrible tooth ache, sometimes flaring into something that was the only thing I could think about and the rest of the time it was always on my mind to one degree or another.
Later the pain was like a dull tooth ache, it still had my attention way to much but I could finally function without it being my main focus of attention.
Now I am at the point where it is like a chipped tooth. It almost never hurts but I find myself probing it with my tongue every now and then to see if it is still there.
So hang in there, you can get back to a good place. Just be patient and gentle with yourself.
Your friend,
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ziggy
Me too.. I had to say goodbye to an active addict as well. OMG it was the worse breakup & the worst time of my life. First, the emotional abuse, then, the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde incomprehensible addict behavior, the pain of a loss, having to run into him daily -I worked with him!, he got a GF right away... and I was in a new city away from friends/family! UGH
It also took months for me to start feeling human and the pain was too huge. I thought I would never get over it all.
It will pass.
After the New Year it would be time to put aside my grieving and focus on rebuilding my life.
By grieving you are already rebuilding your life... I no longer see these as mutually exclusive...
I see too many people avoiding feelings drinking, watching TV, being around people ALL the time, videogames, having sex, etc. To me.. the bravest people are the ones able to sit alone with themselves.
It will definitely get better :ghug3
Me too.. I had to say goodbye to an active addict as well. OMG it was the worse breakup & the worst time of my life. First, the emotional abuse, then, the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde incomprehensible addict behavior, the pain of a loss, having to run into him daily -I worked with him!, he got a GF right away... and I was in a new city away from friends/family! UGH
It also took months for me to start feeling human and the pain was too huge. I thought I would never get over it all.
It will pass.
After the New Year it would be time to put aside my grieving and focus on rebuilding my life.
By grieving you are already rebuilding your life... I no longer see these as mutually exclusive...
I see too many people avoiding feelings drinking, watching TV, being around people ALL the time, videogames, having sex, etc. To me.. the bravest people are the ones able to sit alone with themselves.
It will definitely get better :ghug3
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
Ziggy
Me too.. I had to say goodbye to an active addict as well. OMG it was the worse breakup & the worst time of my life. First, the emotional abuse, then, the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde incomprehensible addict behavior, the pain of a loss, having to run into him daily -I worked with him!, he got a GF right away... and I was in a new city away from friends/family! UGH
Me too.. I had to say goodbye to an active addict as well. OMG it was the worse breakup & the worst time of my life. First, the emotional abuse, then, the Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde incomprehensible addict behavior, the pain of a loss, having to run into him daily -I worked with him!, he got a GF right away... and I was in a new city away from friends/family! UGH
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Originally Posted by m1k3
Ziggy, ((((hugs)))) and happy holidays.
I left my AW about 20 months ago and yes it does get better. I have working a mindfulness practice and I have gotten great results with that. There is plenty you can find out about that online.
I left my AW about 20 months ago and yes it does get better. I have working a mindfulness practice and I have gotten great results with that. There is plenty you can find out about that online.
I actually have been trying to meditate too... it's been so difficult to sit with the pain but I find it does help. Obsessing on the past or how he is doing now does nothing for my peace of mind. Trying to be here NOW is key. It's good to know he pain does subside. I am better than I was a few months ago so I am optimistic.
I am grateful for my SR friends!
-z
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Ziggy
By grieving you are already rebuilding your life... I no longer see these as mutually exclusive...
I see too many people avoiding feelings drinking, watching TV, being around people ALL the time, videogames, having sex, etc. To me.. the bravest people are the ones able to sit alone with themselves.
By grieving you are already rebuilding your life... I no longer see these as mutually exclusive...
I see too many people avoiding feelings drinking, watching TV, being around people ALL the time, videogames, having sex, etc. To me.. the bravest people are the ones able to sit alone with themselves.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
SR was a lifeline, keep reading and posting... I have been out 4 years already. I don't give a damn about XABF or about the GF anymore 
it is the best feeling, when you no longer care.. and when you no longer wish bad things either... you just don't give a damn and it is beautiful LOL
Unfortunately I have behaved like a doormat in other relationships, especially in "friendships", so just as an alcoholic is not healed only by avoiding alcohol, I also know I have deeper issues to solve, not only avoiding active addicts/"social drinkers"...
I reread Codependent no more, well some random chapters and that is where it says healing/mourning/forgiving/rebuilding yourself are part of the same process ..to stop 'battling' what is and be more compassionate with your own process.... instead of going "I should not be feeling this"
In summary, to start 'having an affair with yourself' and taking your own hand. Learning to be your own best friend (it takes practice). If you have not read the book I recommend it :ghug3
it is the best feeling, when you no longer care.. and when you no longer wish bad things either... you just don't give a damn and it is beautiful LOLUnfortunately I have behaved like a doormat in other relationships, especially in "friendships", so just as an alcoholic is not healed only by avoiding alcohol, I also know I have deeper issues to solve, not only avoiding active addicts/"social drinkers"...
I reread Codependent no more, well some random chapters and that is where it says healing/mourning/forgiving/rebuilding yourself are part of the same process ..to stop 'battling' what is and be more compassionate with your own process.... instead of going "I should not be feeling this"
In summary, to start 'having an affair with yourself' and taking your own hand. Learning to be your own best friend (it takes practice). If you have not read the book I recommend it :ghug3
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
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Originally Posted by emeraldsea
((Ziggy))
It's just amazing how long these reactions linger. Oh and noticing holiday presents for them in shops, I am so guilty for that. I actually carried a few around for awhile that he would like, before I came to my senses and had to put them back. It's the disbelief of the loss that keeps sneaking back.
It's just amazing how long these reactions linger. Oh and noticing holiday presents for them in shops, I am so guilty for that. I actually carried a few around for awhile that he would like, before I came to my senses and had to put them back. It's the disbelief of the loss that keeps sneaking back.
He is visiting his family dating and having a "peaceful recovery" as far as my son told me my X told him. Why am I not happy for him!!!
PS: I thought just came to me that is maybe because I read all this stories about the X's coming back to your lifes and mine had not done so...after 17 years...!!! He left and that was it!!
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
In summary, to start 'having an affair with yourself' and taking your own hand. Learning to be your own best friend (it takes practice). If you have not read the book I recommend it :ghug3
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