Sister of a functioning alcoholic
 

Hi! I am brand new here and am have searched online for answers to no avail. I believe my sister is a high functioning alcoholic but need some input on it before I label her as such. We have always been close but she is a big drinker. I do not drink at all which causes problems because she gets angry when I won't join her. One week she will be fine and my best friend, the next week she barely talks to me even though I have not said or done anything. We live in different states so most of our communication is by phone or emails. This week is one where she is not speaking to me. Or if I am lucky, I get a one word response. She holds a good job and never misses work because of her drinking yet she doesn't go one day without beers at night. Is the talking to me/not talking to me common for alcoholics?

Welcome, ordinaryworld. Sorry for the situation that brought you here, but glad you found us.

Read the "stickies" at the top of our home page - lots of good information there about alcoholism.

I can't answer your question - my sister is not an alcoholic and she does the same thing! We are in a hardly-speaking mode right now; I haven't had an actual conversation with her since she moved out of the state I live in last June.

But I can say that "high functioning" is a phase for alcoholics... and erratic behavior can be a sign of a alcoholism, but there are many others, too. Have you ever tried to talk with her about her drinking?

If you are at this site asking this question, then her drinking is bothering you.

Alcoholism is just a label. Just a word.

The truth is that her drinking is a problem for you. Those are your feelings, and they are valid, and you are allowed to feel that way. Your feelings are much more powerful and important than any label.

:hug: You're in the right place.

There are really no such thing as a "functioning alcoholic". If they are still able to function in any way they are not an alcoholic.

Thanks for the reply. She has been high functioning for YEARS and have been waiting for her to crash and burn. She would be on call and get drunk anyway just hoping no one would call her into work. Somehow it always worked out for her that she never got caught. She no longer has a job that requires her to be on call although she is still in the same field of work. If I tried talking to her about her drinking, I would be shown the door, hung up on and never spoken to again. She is very defensive as I know most, or all alcoholics are. I have tried speaking to other family members about it but it was like talking to a wall.

I beg to differ.

"Functioning" is a facade for the rest of the world, it's only when one gets close that you can see the truth. "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain" is the alcoholic's motto.

XABF made $200k a year, was recognized professionally as an expert in his field, was the director of a critical branch of a worldwide professional prestigious organization, on the board of directors for a local college, sought out as a guest lecturer (and even a professor for one semester) at graduate-level classes for local colleges, and couldn't say no to cheap whiskey.

His downfall was a rapid spiral over the course of 17 months. It was aparent to those in his family who weren't in denial well before this point, but the rest of the world had no clue.

Whiskey was his constant companion for 20+ years. He could not function without a shot in the morning, a 5th in his closet, two half-pints in his trunk, and four of those tiny airline bottles (He called them "baby bottles") smuggled in his pocket. The 5th would sometimes last a few days; the others were replaced daily. He knew the business hours of 15 different liquor stores in two states like a New Yorker knows the subway schedule. It was a way of life.

"Functional" is a stage of alcoholism, and for some people it lasts longer than others. It's also the stage where it's easiest for those who know it's a problem to explain and justify why it's not.

If it's a problem for you, it's a real problem. Our instincts are smarter than the facts at this stage of alcoholism, and it's important to listen to them.

There are really no such thing as a "functioning alcoholic". If they are still able to function in any way they are not an alcoholic

This has not been my experience.

My AH has been gainfully employed his whole life, with only 2 different employers for the last 25 years. He is successful, occasionally lectures, and considered an expert in his field. He takes home his pay cheque, never goes to the bar on evenings or weekends, does his chores, is polite and generally considerate to me. He is "functioning".

He also must have a drink by around 6 p.m. every single day, earlier on weekends. The tremors start around noon. He has only not drank on a 2 week hospitalization in the last 20+ years (caused by trying to quit cold turkey, had seizures and a mini stroke). He is an alcoholic by anyone's definition. He used to drink in the mornings and all day, but now post hospitalization just in the evening.

Alcoholics come in all varieties.

Yes thats normal. Alcoholics go through ups and downs. They mimc mental disorders.
One minute theyll be your best friend the next your worst enemy.
Ive seen it time after time ah all loving and generous and the next mad or sad about nonsense.
I also witnessed it in a family friend who would be all your awesome and wants to shower
you to one minute saying that your a b**** etc
We know alcohol changes the brains chemistry.. .weve heard that theyll do things and say thing that would even surprise themselves. Alcoholism is putting a substance that numbs kills and degenerates brain activity....i dunno if youve seen ct scans of alcohol abuse but this is very very normal among alcoholics.
As long as she is using and until she has recovered she will go up down sideways etc

I agree star cat. There is such a thing as functioning and be an alcohlic but that they are truly never really functioning ....no one can really function on a substance. They aremt at their full potential still you can appear functioning and be an alcoholic.
Ah is coming to 100, 000 plus a yr and at work he appears functioning. Its at home where those closest see

I believe a better term would then be "working alcoholic". A middle to end stage alcoholic does not function. They are unable to work, don't shower, drink out of a brown bag, panhandle ect...

Yes justfor1. I think thats a more suitable name for it.
I dont like the term functioning alcoholic even if I know some can be because I believe it puts more denial in the alcoholics head. Thinking hey im an alcoholic but im a functioning alcoholic....working yes. Functional howw?

thisgirl, I think it makes us feel better when we say "functioning alcoholic".

Functioning alcoholic? I HATE that term.

It's basically an alcoholic, with a qualifier added on, to make it sound "less serious".

Just my experience:

My AH does not use his functioning capability to continue his denial. He knows he is an alcoholic, he knows it is stealing his health. His remorse and guilt weigh heavy on him, yet he does not choose recovery. If I were to quess why, I would say fear. I say this because since his hospitalization after trying to go cold turkey, seizures, mini strokes, etc. he will not see a doctor for any reason.

And I have no denial either. I know it is progressive, but my experience has been that so far for him the progression has been glacial. I know this can change.

I see his health slide. I can see tell tale signs of liver disease in the colour and shaping of his fingernails. I see the unhealthy skin tone he has and I know his bowels worry him. He weight drops and soon he won't fit adult clothes.

I don't think it is less serious. I just know my daily life (and this may change) is not the nightmare I sometimes read on some of these threads, although it can be frustrating and lonely.

I try to not enable in any way and try to work my program.

I do not think he is terminally unique. I know that there are common patterns of behaviours, stages, and similarities in reactions, etc. Where I do sometimes have a little bit of an issue when alcoholics are all painted with the same brush, when it is seems like they are actually describing an abusive person who is also alcoholic.

I get that though.

But, I also see people in the newcomers forum, who come and post about how they "might" be an alcoholic, and they add some sort of qualifier, a piece at the end:

"I think I might be an alcoholic...but I have a job I'm really good at!"
"I think I might be an alcoholic...but I'm not homeless!"
"I think I might be an alcoholic...but I have a master's degree!"

There's always this piece added to it, to make it seem like you can "kind of sort of, but not really" be an alcoholic. Loved ones of alcoholics do this too: "He's not an alcoholic, he's not homeless! He showers!"

Sorry Ordinaryworld for the high-jacking of your thread. I guess my point is that "yes" your sister can be an alcoholic even though she does not fit a media stereotype of an alcoholic.

And for what it is worth, my AH will stop talking when he doesn't like the conversation and can hold a grudge for quite a while.

Wishing you well.

I had a friend who was that defensive. When I finally confronted her, after quite an eventful night that ended with me and a security guard dragging her out of a bar and pouring her into a cab (she was our designated driver that night, too!) She didn't speak to me for 4 years.

But for me - I had to shed myself of a toxic relationship for my own sanity. So I was ok with the no contact.

This is your sister, so its a little different. I can't offer any suggestions, because as long as she is living a life that is working just fine, she has no reason to really look at her drinking habits. I would instead gently suggest working on your own detachment from her drinking.

I am so sorry I used a term that not many people like. I used it because it's one I am familiar with and she is working, therefore functioning so I assumed it was the correct term. I'm new to this although my sister is not anywhere near new to her problem. Being that we live in different states, I guess it's taken me a longer time to get fed up.
Thanks for everyone's responses and I look forward to reading and learning a lot here.

It's a common term, just one that a lot of people have differing opinions about! This is a discussion that generally repeats itself twice a year. The conflict in the term comes from the question of "Are they really functioning?" because while they may "function" in public there's a lot of dysfunction behind the scenes.

So no apologies necessary! It's a common term, and a useful discussion, and we are absolutely glad you are here!

My ah admits he too is an Alcoholic. That he needs to quit and needs to get help. Perhapse it is fear but when he goes on a quack the addict in him fights it with denial.
That he works etc and functions. Its a tug of war with themselves.
Ive seen it . ..like we question our judgements I believe they question theirs as well.
So perhapse the fear we see is actually a battle they are fighting to over come this sickness.
The I am an alcoholic .....I do want help to I dont need to get help nor now.
Weve all done it ourselves with making changes in our own lives ....then you have a person with an addiction making a huge change....fear,uncertainty , comfortability and change of heart.