redatlanta

Hey Audrey - so sorry about this its a tough position.

I find that when I "wish" things like this would happen (I know you don't really want him to relapse) its because I can't make my mind up if I am making the right decision so I prefer the world make it for my by causing something to happen.

I have been with my RAH for 2 years - he was sober 10 years then relapsed last summer. It wasn't a bad relapse. It was devastating to me emotionally and very scary I felt my life was spinning out of control. SR and Al Anon changed my life because I found the tools necessary to change my behavior ( I am a fixer). Now AH is not drinking - its been 6 weeks - and our relationship is much better than before. That's the short paraphrased version - it was a REALLY rough 2 months for me and at times I just wanted OUT.

Today I am glad things worked out the way they did. Tomorrow, next week, or next year who knows - I don't know if he will relapse again. I don't worry about it though, not anymore. I can't do anything about it. Can't control him, can only control myself.

I am also 45 - a little more patient, more established, and childless. If I were your age and looking at my future I am not sure I would pick this route if children were something I wanted. I do know all things considered before I married him I would need him to be at least 2 years sober and active in a recovery program.

You never know what the future holds with anyone. There are plenty of people on this earth that aren't alcoholics or addicts that have problems, issues, character flaws, mental health issues or are just all around assholes. My RAH has some of the classic alcoholic personality traits - he can be very selfish, lazy, a blame shifter, depressed, moody, etc. He also has the biggest heart, loves me like no one else ever has, has been faithful, wants the best for me in life, is my biggest cheerleader and best friend.

Why not give yourself a break on this decision - do you have to make it now? I strongly encourage you to go to Al Anon. Go at least 6 times.

Evaluate the situation later - and if you decide to exit there is nothing wrong with changing your mind AT ALL.

Audrey1

PohsFriend - thank you so much for your story, and the advice you have given me through my posts. As I mentioned, I am very isolated in my situation, so I am so very touched so many strangers with their own stories have replied and been supportive where no one else has.

I was hoping someone might have an idea of where I might find some reading on Al Anon as I am unable to attend meetings. Due to where I live (I might as well be on the moon), if there is some way I can work my way through the steps remotely, perhaps I can get a grip on my side of things. Any ideas?

PohsFriend

Hey Audrey - happy to share, it's lonely. Many of us 'hide' it from our friends and coworkers so we get that isolation feeling.

There are some books that several folks recommend. Codependent no more seems to be a favorite and apropos. Do you have an iPad or kindle? Might be a good investment for you because you can download books at will? Probably worth a thread somewhere - favorite books and why.

The abuse you mentioned initially is worrisome, you can hang in to see if someone recovers but you really can't hang in if you are in danger.

Hang in there, progress is the goal - not perfection.

Keep coming back and write, it is cathartic... Having to articulate what I am feeling helps me to see things more clearly and you can take the responses that help you and leave the ones that don't. I need to get reality without it crushing my hope.

Glad you are standing up and deciding to change your situation.

NYCDoglvr

When you don't want to be in a situation, you leave. It's really that simple. Do you think you're doing him a favor by staying? Trust me, you're not. It sounds like the relationship has been over for a awhile. Alanon is a huge help because we learn to deal with our own issues instead of keeping the focus on someone else. If the "why me" thinking comes up I suggest understanding that no one put a gun to your head to force you to stay with him.

PohsFriend

Hmmmm. Sure would be a easier works if simple and easy were the same thing

Alcoholic? Simply stop drinking
Stage 4 cancer? Simply make it go into remission
Pick up and leave someone you love when you know you can't stand te way things are but you miss how things were and could be? Simple, just shut down your emotions and be logical!

For someone just starting to ask questions and learn about the disease and their own issues it's rough to hear the 'simple' answers to complex questions. No offense NYC but if this **** were that simple we would not be here and it probably wasn't simple to you 2300 posts ago

I get it - but yeesh we can be a little more gentle

choublak

He's afraid of therapists? That's a red flag, to me.

PohsFriend

There are plenty of red flags here. Audrey - it sounds likenyouvare a bit overwhelmed right now and that is pretty normal when people show up here. By the way - normal is a term we use loosely.

Just thinking - would you be able to get away for a bit? Maybe visit friends back home wherever that is?

Maybe a week or two to think without the constant pressure of "oh **** what next?" syndrome would help you organize your thoughts? You are alone in a foreign country/culture and isolated while dealing with a scary situation.

Some rest might be a good idea. Guessing you are a tad bit of a nervous wreck at the moment.

Just a thought... Sometimes a little time and space and sleep help sort things out a bit.

Hang in there.

h00ped

I hear ya Audrey. Largely why I kept contact with my XABF and tried to be supportive over the last year (since the "discovery" of his well hidden demons) was since the beginning of our relationship, he's made subtle and not-so-subtle comments that expresses he believes I am the greatest love of his life and if I leave, he would never seek out love and just be on his own forever, and move across the country because the separation would be too painful. He says it would be like losing his mother (which happened in early childhood and could be the cause of the drinking) all over again. He's quite a bit older than me, so that adds the pressure psychologically that he really may believe this (rather than using it as a manipulative tool, jury's out on that one). In my heart, I have moved on (romantically), but I have been so afraid to make the final cut-off, and deliver a blow to his fragile heart, especially in early stages of recovery, and knowing his abandonment issues.

You feel you're trapped in a lose-lose situation. And deep down you do care about the person, and facing the fact that love and support can't save someone, is really, really hard to accept. And I can't see an addict pulling through without support, either. When someone has burned all their bridges and you are the only one left, there is a lot of pressure not to abandon. But frustrating to know that further attempts to help are likely just. not. going. to. work.

Thumper

Dr. Suess quote that used to be in my siggy - “Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”

Oh I don't know. I also used to cry in the shower and actually say a prayer that my ex would hit me or cheat on me. Imagine that? I'm ashamed to say that but it is the truth. I would sometimes fantasize about his funeral. Not killing him I wasn't mad, but his funeral. So I'd be free. I was trapped, not because of finances or where I lived or even fear of being alone. I was quite sure my life would be easier in most ways if we went or separate aways. I was very very trapped by my co-dependency. I was trapped because I was emotionally enmeshed, which is a different thing from love. I really did not see a way out of the nightmare my life had become.

The thing is I'm not sure abuse or cheating would have set me free anyway. I had put it there as a hard boundary but all my other boundaries bent and crumbled so why wouldn't those? I finally got to the point where I put drinking as my 'escape' and then he ran off to rehab and I was more mad and hateful about him being sober than I was about him being drunk. Trapped again. But I was not trapped - a lot of people told me exactly what NYC did (probably she did - should go back and look), and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

For those people trapped in a situation that makes them unhappy - the questions get very complicated but the answer remains very simply. Open the door and walk out.

With a little distance I can also agree with her sentiment that I wasn't doing my ex any favors either. See - while I did not drink, yell at, nag, or even argue with my ex - I'm quite sure he carries significant scars of his own. He spent years with a woman that resented him, herself, that was detached, emotionally unavailable to him, and desperately unhappy. I robbed him of those years just as much as I robbed myself.

Thumper

Go through the stickies and classic reading at the top of the page. I found those really helpful. I printed some out and read them as often as needed. I also read the stickies from the Adult Children of Alcoholics Board here on SR and found some good things there. Co-Dependent No More has already been mentioned and that was a great book for me.

If you google al-anon literatutre you'll find their book store. I did go to al-anon for a few months but did not keep up with it after I moved due to distance and time constraints so I did not work the steps. That would be hard to do without a sponsor I think. I still found the literature helpful.

LoveMeNow

Personally, I like NYC post. She asks the hard questions many of refuse or can't answer for ourselves. Her ESH is needed and valued and I for one appreciate those who have walked before me - sticking around and sharing - to help and to challenge us!

Calling out another poster is just bad forum etiquette.

PohsFriend

Not trying to be self righteous, lord knows I blurt things out sometimes.

....the other day wife had a meeting and a new guy got an earful about what he needed to do, a couple old timers intervened and told the crisstalker to back up a bit or the guy would not come back and he hasn't.

When we are around here enough it's easy to shrug stuff off... On my first visit I was in tears and scared ******** and needed a hug before the blunt truth. Unless someone is in danger the 'just pack and go' message doesn't penetrate... Most people need time to understand a bit first and internalize the three C's before the simple is possible

LoveMeNow

When I first joined here, I was very naive about addiction and my denial ran deep. I had some "seasoned" posters asking me some very tough questions. They stung like hell and they made me angry. But they knew me better then I knew myself. AND I will be forever thankful to those posters.

One by one most of them have left. Now we have "experts" advising marriage counseling with an active crack addict. Please don't try to control other posters, we all benfit in our own way. Just take what you and leave the rest.

LoveMeNow

oops, Take what you want and leave the rest!

LoveMeNow

Great post Ady. Your recovery is inspiring. Thank you!

choublak

Then that guy wasn't truly "ready" for recovery.

PohsFriend

No argument.

Not saying that some of the harsh stuff I heard when I first landed here wasn't good stuff.

Not offended that someone called me out for calling someone out - and if I did I'm sorry.

Just suggesting that sometimes it is useful to remember how we felt when we had our first "I need help and don't know where to turn". Moment. People coming here for the first time are often, as with Audrey, realizing they have a problem and admitting they need help. My first response on this thread was along the lines of dump his ass and run too but that was pretty self-indulgent of me. Any poster who uses the word eventuated properly is not stupid, she knows the situation is unhealthy but maybe she's not "ready for recovery". I love that one by the way....

There are some 'older' posters here who I've noticed treat all newbies the same: welcome, I am sorry you are hurting, read the stickies, come back often, go to a meeting.... I've read through their histories and they did not start there.

Anyway... If I offended then such was not my intent and I apologize.

I think it is worthwhile for any of us when reading someone's first post to step back and try to remember how crappy it was when we googled "alcoholism help". I'm as guilty as anyone of reading with a cynical eye at times.

Not many people come here saying " I just realized my life is unhealthy so I decided to pack my stuff and get out". There are a lot of folks who come here bewildered and scared who GET to a point where they take action after learning more and understanding more. On another thread today lizatola was saying people were judging her for hanging in for the wrong reasons... I'm glad she came back to say so rather than saying screw this.

Anyway, maybe the above makes sense and someone takes something useful from it, maybe they leave it. Maybe one of my issues is that I need to trust someone before they can "tell it like it is for my own good".

Audrey - hang in there, read the stickies and keep coming back. Sorry you looked for this forum but glad you found it. Things can get better regardless of whether he does because you control you.

singalong

This is my second Christmas without my emotionally abusive AH. It took a year and a half just to get the divorce because he was dragging his feet. As soon as we would near a court date, he would try to harm himself. He ended up in a psychiatric hospital and drug treatment. I no longer feel sorry for him and I will not bail him out of the problems he made for himself. Creditors still call my home for him. I too find myself harboring some thoughts/hopes that he will have a major melt down (he is maintaining after the last hospital stay in September). It makes me feel guilty for having this feeling. Perhaps it is evidence of his continued hijacking of my emotions.