PohsFriend

Listen carefully - YOU ARE NOT A COWARD MAKING EXCUSES

It's very clear that you are in a jam and trying to keep it from getting worse and you are putting the little guy first in every thought. If you are a coward for that, please sign me up for some cowardice.

Keeping him with you and out of danger until your broth... The guy with similar DNA to yours minus the character, goes to jail is sensible. Big he comes as takes him then I'd start thinking of plan B now. As long as te litle guy is safe with you it makes sense to aim carefully before you take that shot.

Could your husband 'tail him' for a couple nights and call the cops when he gets in the van? If he gets pulled over now they will impound the van and lock him up. No need to let anyone know you are the one calling the cops but every time he gets out he breaks probation in about a minute sounds like. He's not a threat to little guy when locked up, right?

I know it seems mean but tacking a few more charges on now will make it unlikely that he can keep making bail and making life tough for you.

Hubby supportive of adoption? Big so big hugs to him too.

Please hang around and update us.

PohsFriend

By the way, the jumbled sentences are courtesy of iPhone helping me out, I am not on drugs ;-)

redtailgal

I dont care if there are more charges......the longer he goes to jail the better, imo.

FedUpWith2Brats

Sounds like you are stuck in between a rock and a hard spot. You need to check your states eavesdropping laws-taping a phone call without permission may not be legal and could get YOU arrested. It might not even be legal to tape with consent. If your bro calls you, let the answer machine pick up and then answer when he starts talking-you can always say you didn't know the machine was still on. Be very careful about this-the laws are nutty and I would hate to see you get in trouble. I will keep praying for you and hope fo the best. You and your hubby are wonderful for looking out for this lil guy. Big hugs to all of you.

redatlanta

Here is an interesting article re: ex-parte orders in NC written by a Judge. Looks like your physical custody of the child will come into play with a decision.

Do you have any kind of documentation of how long you have kept the child and do you keep records of how many times dad has visited or seen the child?

redatlanta

ooops here is the link:

One Judge

redtailgal

Thanks for the link, Redatlanta.

Sigh....We had to take nephew to the ER last night for his vomiting, I was worried about his appendix. He is fine, was given some Zophran and has been WIDE OPEN today, lol. He is feed so much candy and CRAP while at his daddy's house AND this horrid horrid tummy viris is going on in my area. AND when I called brother at 2 am to tell him we were taking his son to the ER, he says "Call me if he needs anything." Because of the situation, I had to sign as the responsible party and assume the bill if nephew's medicaid is denied. The hospital even called brother and he said for them to just let me handle it because he was "busy". (I have THAT on record, btw)

Be proud of me. I refrained from screaming "HE NEEDS A FATHER YOU *^&#A$&^#& IDIOT".

This afternoon, Brother calls my house. I answered, hoping that he was going to check on his son, but instead he wanted to tell me what would be a good gift for me to buy for his son to give him. He didnt ask how his son was doing. Not. ONCE.

SERIOUSLY. I am raising this child, paying for ALL of this childs need, and I just spend WAY too much money on him for Christmas (Oh, but he is gonna love his presents!). and now, I am suppose to buy gifts for nephew to give to his crappy father?

Here's the best part.........Brother wants me to go buy a fifth of Jack and some new shot glasses, wrap them up, and write it as a gift from his 3 year old kid.

So, here is my question: I OBVIOUSLY will not be buying any alcohol for my brother. I've been thinking about it and I think the best gift for my nephew to give his father would be brochures for the local Al-anon meetings, and a brochure to the nearest IN HOUSE rehab facility. Would that be just wrong?

I dont think it would do any good, it's just the aggressive witch in me coming out.

Perhaps I could buy him a ticket to Antarctica. a one way ticket.

I am so bleeping MAD right now. Too ask for your three year old to get you booze? SERIOUSLY. I just want him to go away. just go away. I dont want to talk to him, I dont want to see him, I dont want to hear his voice. I dont want him, period!

I HATE this. He makes me feel nauseated.

WHY CAN HE NOT DO THE RIGHT THING HERE? If he would sign the stupid papers, his son and I could get on with living and brother could go about his own merry way and buy his own booze.

Does he not care AT ALL? This is a three year old child.

ohhhhh, I cant wait to talk to the probation officer and my lawyer and the prosecutor for his next trial. I can't wait. I. cant. wait.

I hope they nail his arse to something hot.

If he is not ready to quit the drinking, he could at least do right by his kid.

What I wouldn't give to take his son's hand in mine and WALK AWAY from him. far far away.

Ok. Done venting. I'm going to go to bed, lay there and pretend to sleep while I twitch.

Hopeworks

Since when do children get provided money by their aunt to buy their low class daddy a present for Christmas?

It's not about money anyway. The child should be encouraged to make daddy a gift such as a Christmas tree ornament with a card.

I wouldn't spend a penny on dad... and make sure you have the Christmas video camera running constantly if Dad comes around so you have a lot of nice holiday videos capturing the family dynamics.

redatlanta

I like the idea of the one way ticket to nowhere.

I also like the idea of the AA literature.

BUT, for right now I wouldn't do anything to him. He knows you want the child. He uses it to get what he wants from you and if you don't play nice he will just come and take him. - and no he doesnt care and doesn't want him - the child is nothing more than a pawn for him.

His trial has to be coming up soon. Document everything like everyone on here has said - I like HW suggestion to be sure and video everything at Christmas I hope brother brings booze in tow - making sure dates are stamped on the video or pictures would be helpful.

You are a wonderful person - I do believe in the end you will get what is best which is custody.

Taking5

Be careful on recording phone calls and other conversations, it is not necessarily legal to do that.

Seren

I don't think a phone call was recorded, just his response was noted by the insurance person/nurse at the hospital, is that right?

I'm so sorry your precious little nephew had to go to the ER and hope that everyone has been able to get some sleep and that he is feeling better!

I sometimes post the following for others because it helped me to realize that I should not take my stepson's drinking personally. He doesn't drink 'at' me, he just drinks. When I would ask myself why my stepson can't just 'do the right thing?', this has helped.

Unfortunately, your brother is just doing what addicts do. This was written several years ago by one of the founders of this forum, Jon.

PohsFriend

Oh man I am sorry you are dealing with this but thank God you are for that little boy!

...and while a decent dad would be great, I've learned that kids can do just fine as long as there is one stable person and safe. Secure, consistent environment for them where they know they are loved, where there are rules they must follow for their own good and where there is peace. YOU provide that.

I echo the idea of an ornament and card. If I spent any money it would be on the big book for AA. Wow - your self restraint is amazing. Daddy's are supposed to give babies a bottle, not the other way around. Maybe a 1.75l bottle administered rectally but no way would I buy him a fifth and shot glasses.

It's Friday... Sure would be great if someone were to keep an eye on him to see when he gets loaded up and gets behind the wheel of that van. Gosh, it sure would be a terrible shame if someone then called the police and reported that van swerving around and he got pulled over (so much for his theory that cops don't pull vans over) and he winds up with more charges and spends Christmas wearing orange instead of red and green.

Wow, you must be so exhausted! Try to focus on the little guy, your husband and yourself a bit and try not to let him ruin your holiday.


Thanks for keeping us in the loop!

redtailgal

I found the perfect gift!

I will be placing information on alcohol addiction, along with a brochure on the impact it has on the children, another brochure with a lvist of places to get help, and a little red Bible.

Nephew and I have taken a brown paper lunch bag, glued on googly eyes, a red pom ball for a nose, and made antlers out of brown pipe cleaners. Its RUDOLPH! How Cute!

Justfor1

redtail, is it possible your brother has "wet brain" from the year of alcohol abuse? At this point the person is no longer able to make rational choices. It sounds as if his request that he get a 1/5 of JackDaniels from his son was meant to irritate you or he has possible brain damage.

choublak

Three years? That's not strict.

redtailgal

I dont know. I guess it's possible.

The thing with my brother is that he doesnt get staggering drunk. All his DUIs have been just over the legal limit.....the last one was .09 and the one before that was a .10. He just gets "a good buzz". The problem is he STAYS at that level just about all the time.......not quite "drunk" but not sober either.
He is stays just at the level where he can appear to be ok, as long as he keeps his mouth shut. But when he opens his mouth, his speech is slurred and he says some of the most stupid and arrogant things. This is his "normal" but he does upcycle every few weeks, where he does get stupid drunk.

My mother and I can always tell when he is starting to "upcycle" (our term for it). He drinks more and more, and the first sign is hostility and a tendancy to pick a fight and play the poor poor victim. I think that is where we are right now, on the beginnings of an upcycle. Last time, he took a case of beer to a 9 year old little girl's birthday party (his daughter's best friend, even) and was asked to leave His daughter was able to stay, despite her humiliation since her mother (not my nephews mother) has custody. The time before that, he called my mother saying he needed to go to the hospital because he had the flu. Turned out he was very dehydrated, and his bloodwork and liver panel were concerning enough that the Dr's asked him if he had been binge drinking. He denied it, but I know that he had been. I went to his house the next day and found a huge pile of empties. He "cycles" every 4-6 weeks, pretty much on clockwork. I have been working to have this documented, by insisting that he looks ill and he needs to go to the Dr (each time, he is asked about his blood alcohol levels). However, the last two times, he has provided me with the documentation himself.

He's been doing this for ten years, the only exceptions being during his first two probations. I am pretty sure he was still drinking at those times, but did a good job of hiding it.

I was 8 years old when brother was born. We were in a financially rough state (my stepfather was just about as much of a deadbeat as my brother), so my mother had to go back to work on her 2nd shift job when he was only a few weeks old. Working mothers didnt have the options then that they have now, so she had to rely on me to babysit him after school and on Saturdays. I fed him and bathed him. He was a good kid despite having a kid for a second mom. it wasnt until he was in middle school, and his dad moved out (Finally, thank God) that he started acting out so bad. My mother made ALOT of excuses for him, and spent alot of money "helping" him over the years. I think a big reason that she felt the need to coddle him so much was the guilt of having to go back to work so early after he was born. Brother senses this and recently told my mother that it was HER fault that he drank, because she left him and went to work so early. Brother has no idea the amount of pain that caused her. I agree, leaving a newborn with a 8 year old is not the greatest thing, but it was far better than starving or loosing our home.

"Saying" all this has made me realize something........I dont know the last time I saw my brother sober. I dont like him very much, even though I love him. But I wonder what he is like behind the alcohol. It's been so long, I cant remember. I dont know who my real brother is anymore, cant remember him. All I know is the alcoholic. It's sad and infuriating.

And, come to think of it, that realization has made me realize that my 9 year old niece and 3 year old nephew have never actually met their father, despite having been around him for their whole life. How utterly sad.

If he ever manages to get sober, he will have a lifetime of burden and guilt to bear.

redtailgal

Never mind, I need to wait

redatlanta

Redtailgal - How are things going?

chicory

Praying for your brother, to someday, soon hopefully, to hit bottom enough to want to get well. I can not even imagine how hard this has been , on all of you. bless you for watching over his little boy. You have surely done a lot of mothering and loving, in your lifetime.

thinking of you, prayerfully, this morning.
chicory

Florence

Oh, this is heartbreaking. Your mom did the best with what she had. You did the best with what you have. Forgive me for being presumptuous, but it sounds like there is a lot of grieving going on. I had to grieve my losses (with the help of a therapist) before I could get to acceptance and action. Perhaps that's something you could try if you have access to it.

As to his assertions about why he drinks: Alcoholics find weak spots and push at them to maintain their addiction. The scorpion stings, and the worm crawls in the dirt.