this is no longer a marriage
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: small town in Ontario
Posts: 13
this is no longer a marriage
Hi everyone, I am starting to emerge from my "pot of boiling water " to really see the effects my AH drinking has had on me. I find it sad that our marriage has disintegrated to the point that we no longer talk, laugh, sleep together, lean on each other. This has been a very difficult weekend for me and I have to vent. I discovered a lump in my breast and realized that I could not tell my AH, because if I did, I would only be hurt by his guaranteed lack of concern. I will take care of myself and lean on those who genuinely care about me, but how sad that the one person who should be there for me-isn't.
I think the worst part was, as I sat watching tv (but really all I was thinking about was this lump) my AH turns to me and asks "if I wanted to егдв. honestly what a total lack of respect -in my mind I was thinking "yeah, thats a real turn on" LOL
I have read many posts and it seems that most A's follow a similar deteriorating route. Some things I have noticed are, his desire to be by himself--no longer wants to do things as a couple--rather sleep on the sofa--never compliments--lies to belittle--eye roll , at things I say--lack of respect--lies over totally stupid things that really don't matter-talking (muttering) to himself- I could probably go on! I realize that my main focus will now be on me, my efforts are no longer on our marriage, its just sad. I do go to alanon and have learned much.
Just needed to get this off my chest. Hmmmmm, no pun intended.
I think the worst part was, as I sat watching tv (but really all I was thinking about was this lump) my AH turns to me and asks "if I wanted to егдв. honestly what a total lack of respect -in my mind I was thinking "yeah, thats a real turn on" LOL
I have read many posts and it seems that most A's follow a similar deteriorating route. Some things I have noticed are, his desire to be by himself--no longer wants to do things as a couple--rather sleep on the sofa--never compliments--lies to belittle--eye roll , at things I say--lack of respect--lies over totally stupid things that really don't matter-talking (muttering) to himself- I could probably go on! I realize that my main focus will now be on me, my efforts are no longer on our marriage, its just sad. I do go to alanon and have learned much.
Just needed to get this off my chest. Hmmmmm, no pun intended.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I'm so sorry to read about your discovery regarding your health! Please take care of yourself! 
As for what you are going through, although my AH is not as demeaning as yours sound, he's still a liar and I know how much that hurts! I hope you can get yourself in a good mental place to take care of you and surround yourslef around possitive people because that's what you need right now, first and foremost when dealing with such a discovery! I'm adding you to my prayer list tonight if that's okay with you!
As for what you are going through, although my AH is not as demeaning as yours sound, he's still a liar and I know how much that hurts! I hope you can get yourself in a good mental place to take care of you and surround yourslef around possitive people because that's what you need right now, first and foremost when dealing with such a discovery! I'm adding you to my prayer list tonight if that's okay with you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I am sorry- I learned too that I just can't rely on AH for any support - none. You are smart to rely on the people you know who will be there for you. I dealt with both of my parents dying recently without support from AH - he told me to quit whining and using the "dead parents card" Who says that? Sending you good health reports and love and support and hugs!
:ghug3
:ghug3
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: small town in Ontario
Posts: 13
Thank you for support and prayers, it is appreciated. Redheadsusie, I am sorry about your parents (hug), and I guess in our SR community we are able to freely express our hurts and truly know that we will be understood.
Your AH's comment was totally ignorant and would shock a "normal" person, but I understand and have had a similar comment. Another alcoholic deteriorating route
Your AH's comment was totally ignorant and would shock a "normal" person, but I understand and have had a similar comment. Another alcoholic deteriorating route
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 62
I was diagnosed one year ago. I found out I had breast cancer a few days before Christmas last year. I had a lumpectomy in January. Take a deep breath...breath deeply. It's going to be Ok. You will be amazed by the love that surrounds you from people and places you never expected. My Ah tried but sadly we could not go back in time. So instead I accepted the love and support that came to me from so many people and places. It was absolutely amazing ! The support that surrounded me made the process so much easier. Allow yourself to find the positive in an awful situation. Allow yourself to feel the love from other. They'll be some bright spots in the darkness that will help you get through this. Hugs and love to you from a stranger.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Snowrose, :ghug3My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Take care of you right now and let others support you and lift you up.
I'm sorry about your AH. I completely understand how you feel. I'm divorced now but I remember all the feelings you describe. My exah used to complain that I could never look him in the eye when I spoke to him and he was right. I couldn't look at him. It was too painful...he looked like the man I fell so deeply in love with but he wasn't. He had become a stranger. He was out of town when my dad died suddenly two years ago and I remember feeling relieved that he wasn't there because I knew he would drain emotional energy out of me that I needed to deal with my dad's passing. They become such vampires emotionally.
Be good to yourself. Take extra good care of YOU right now.
Hugs and prayers...
Mary
Take care of you right now and let others support you and lift you up.
I'm sorry about your AH. I completely understand how you feel. I'm divorced now but I remember all the feelings you describe. My exah used to complain that I could never look him in the eye when I spoke to him and he was right. I couldn't look at him. It was too painful...he looked like the man I fell so deeply in love with but he wasn't. He had become a stranger. He was out of town when my dad died suddenly two years ago and I remember feeling relieved that he wasn't there because I knew he would drain emotional energy out of me that I needed to deal with my dad's passing. They become such vampires emotionally.
Be good to yourself. Take extra good care of YOU right now.
Hugs and prayers...
Mary
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