Protecting Children when You're Not Ready to Divorce

Old 12-17-2012, 02:02 PM
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Protecting Children when You're Not Ready to Divorce

My husband is in in-patient treatment. I am cynical about it working and him finding lasting recovery, as this aint our first rodeo with his addiction. This is his 5th formal recovery program, 1 prior inpatient and 3 prior outpatient, not to mention a few outpaitent detoxes without an IOP program. Needless to say, I've lost hope.

But, he is clean today and says he's planning to stay that way. I spoke with him this morning, and I felt like he sounded like the same person he was when he was actively using. He told me 28 days was all he could stay (we had discussed and I was expecting 'long term' in-patient treatment). He said that "the people there" (i.e. at and in the treatment center) were "laughing at his addiction," because it was nothing compared to some of theres. I was livid at hearing that. This is an addiction that's lasted through 5-10 attempts at sobriety, that's led him to drive our infant daughter while obliterated more than once, and countless of other hurts and pains. I don't feel hopeful at all after this conversation. He's not even close to making any amends.

But, I am trying to work my own al-anon recovery and prepare for his returning to town with some boundaries meant to protect our daughter. I'm not ready to legally divorce or separate, and I don't want to do that until I am--I still have some faint hope that if he stays sober for 6 months or more we can consider healing our relationship. But, in the mean time, while I am creating a boundary for myself (6 months clean before we talk about moving back home), I am sort of lost on how to protect my daughter.

Some people in AA/Al-Anon have suggested weekly random drug testing once he's out of treatment (and the type of test that would actually catch his addiction, b/c it's to rx drugs and not the usual ones). I called today and it's $200 a pop. So, the suggestion of weekly testing seems really expensive.

I don't want to alleniante him from our daughter, but I don't want ot be terrified when he is with her or subject her to harm. Does anyone have any experience with boundaries they used to protect young children from an addict who is in recovery but has a track record of relapsing and has never stayed clean for more than 60 days? Your experiences appreciated.
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Old 12-17-2012, 02:10 PM
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Desperate, look into the Soberlink device.

In mediation with my AH, I asked for him to carry a Soberlink device. This is a device that connects to a Smartphone, or you can rent one that is a standalone. You can create a schedule that requires him to blow into it, and his BAC is uploaded and you receive a text update. My AH will be blowing into the Soberlink 3x/day during the days he has the kids. He gets text reminders and if he misses blowing, I get a text. If he misses blowing completely or is drinking, I go pick up the kids. Cost is $210/month plus $100 activation. Anyway, suggest you look into this.
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Old 12-17-2012, 02:17 PM
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First of all, welcome to SR.

I don't have this specific experience but I do have some. My mother lived with me for a short time. One of the conditions were that she stay sober. It became apparent quickly that she was no where near sober. I didn't need a test to know. It was her actions. It was clear. She was asked to leave.

Also, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I spent about 2 years in sober living. Anyone would be kicked out not just for using but for suspicion of use. It took me a while to wrap my head around that but the longer I lived there I understood how it worked. Basically, if you were behaving in a way that made me think you were under the influence .... that behavior is unacceptable. We did sometimes do drug tests (they can be purchased fairly cheaply on the internet and test upwards of 20 panels) depending on the situation but bottom line, it was all about your behavior.

I'm glad to hear you're attending alanon and working on you.

Love and hug.
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Old 12-17-2012, 02:26 PM
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He said that "the people there" (i.e. at and in the treatment center) were "laughing at his addiction," because it was nothing compared to some of theres. I was livid at hearing that. This is an addiction that's lasted through 5-10 attempts at sobriety, that's led him to drive our infant daughter while obliterated more than once, and countless of other hurts and pains. I don't feel hopeful at all after this conversation. He's not even close to making any amends.
Ugh...it is so frustrating when A's say this. I wish that rehabs kept the "functioning alcoholics" away from the "drunk all day since I was 12 years old alcoholics". The functioning alcoholics often end up patting themselves on the back by saying, "well, I'm not as bad as those people".
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Old 12-17-2012, 02:45 PM
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Thanks all! Yes, I'm pretty unsatisfied with the rehab. But, trying to work my new Al-Anon tools and not bitch about it to regulate my anxiety and saddness.

On the "tell by behavior" thing, I agree, I can tell my partner has been using from a mile away, by the look in his eye. But, if we're temporarily separated until he gets 6 months clean, I won't be living with him to see it. And, he will want to see our daughter, and if he is sober and focusing on her then I want that too!

But, if he's using or acting like a dry drunk, I don't want him responsible for her. But, I feel like the only thing I can actually enforce is using/drinking, not behavior, when I'm not really around to see how he's living his life. Maybe I'm wrong about that...

He's addicted to Ambien, primarily, then the other sedative-hypnotic sleeping pills (Lunesta, Sonata), then any benzodiazapine he can get (but of course has preferences like klonipin), then muscle relaxers like Soma if he can get a doc to prescribe them but he hasn't done that in a while, but a new affinity for a Trammadol (he tells himself it's less addictive b/c it's not a real opiate), and he even abuses a drug he gets MDs to prescribe for him for nerve pain called Neurontin/Gabapentin. It's not normally abused and hardly ever tested for, but if you take enough it'll get you intoxicated. And, he'll take as much as he has. He'll take 30 Ambien in a 24-48 hour period. He is an addict.

But, the drug test I would need, enforced by a third party testing agency and not me (I don't want to get in the business of checking up on his behavior and managing his drug testing) is $200 to detect the full range of drugs he abuses. HE also abuses alcohol, but only when he's taking pills b/c they intensify the effect. But, maybe the Soberlink would help, because once he's used any pill, he will drink w/out any control. That is how his addiction works.

Anyhow, any other ideas on boundaries to protect children while parents are separated much appreciated.
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:08 PM
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Holy cow 30 Ambien?? How in the world does he stay awake?
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Old 12-17-2012, 05:11 PM
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Hi,
Would he be capable of contributing to the cost of the tests, as a condition of access?
Does he have a trusted (by you) family member who could supervise access?
As painful as it sounds, could there be a joint outing such as dinner or picnic together (not sure what's possible in winter where you live!)?
Just some thoughts; I hope you work it out.
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:06 PM
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I think the part about them laughing at his addiction is a lie he made up.
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Old 12-17-2012, 10:10 PM
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Don't be livid...

...remember, he's completely full of ****. He likely always will be. What makes you think he's telling the truth now about what anybody says? And I'm sure what he said about people laughing at his addiction was complete **** as well. I'd bet on it-- a lot.

Take care, and take care of your daughter.

Kindly,

Cyranoak
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Old 12-18-2012, 01:36 AM
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Originally Posted by BrokenHeartWife View Post
Ugh...it is so frustrating when A's say this. I wish that rehabs kept the "functioning alcoholics" away from the "drunk all day since I was 12 years old alcoholics". The functioning alcoholics often end up patting themselves on the back by saying, "well, I'm not as bad as those people".
"Comparing out" (I am not as bad as him thinking) is very common for an addict/alcoholic who still wants to drink/use. It's not the rehab, its the addict mind of someone who has reservations about quitting.

Rehabs educate them that its a progressive disease. They know they will be as bad as "those people" sooner or later. Separating a homeless alcoholic to a "high functioning" (if there is such a thing) is not the solution.

Have you educated yourself at all on the disease? Are you getting any help for yourself??
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Old 12-18-2012, 04:51 AM
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Addicts lie, then they lie somemore. He is just trying to downplay his addiction. Watch his actions, forget his words, they mean nothing.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of tis forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information, knowledge is power, learn all you can about addiction.
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:17 AM
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When he's working a good strong program, you'll see it in his demeanor and his behaviors.
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:20 AM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
I think the part about them laughing at his addiction is a lie he made up.

I agree...to a point. They likely did make comments that his situation may not be as bad as theirs, but that can be comparing apples and oranges...yes, they're different, but they're still fruit.


My AH patted (and still pats) himself on the back for not being as bad as those in rehab. According to him, "they all looked up" to him as the successful employed one who rarely ever drank during the daytime. Of course, they didn't know that he has a personality disorder which is (in some ways) worse than alcoholism because you can stop drinking and stop having some of the problems with alcohol, but you can't stop having all the ramifications from having a PD.


30 Ambien a day? How does he get his hands on that many pills? And how does he stay awake?

My AH was going thru (and still sometimes is) the cycle of Adderall in the morning and then Ambien to go to sleep. And, when he'd take 2 Adderalls then he'd need to take more Ambien. Ugh. I've tried to tell him that taking 2 Adderalls is causing this - especially when he's "slept in" and taking 2 Adderalls around lunch time is going to make him still "wired" at 11 pm.

Frankly, I don't "get" these doctors that prescribe these things. I'm guessing that my AH hasn't been honest with them (doesn't reveal his drinking problems, etc) and the docs just write Rxs.
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